I need some advice

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Confused40, May 19, 2008.

  1. Confused40

    Confused40 New Member

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    Me and my lover recently broke up because he is going through a mid-life crisis and feels that his youth is slipping away. We were together for 15 years and now I am 40 and he is 41. He wanted to experience the "gay life", bars, clubs, sleeping with younger guys, etc. When he should have been doing all of this experimenting, like in his twenties, he was in a relationship. Well now, he wants to re-live the glory days since he really never lived them. The problem is this: I lived my life. I did all those things when it was age appropiate. To do those things now you look like a aging, middle-aged gay man who is desparate to stay young. By doing this, you look foolish and leave yourself open to be used and taken advantage of because you want so desparately to fit in. Well this is exactly what has happened to him. He met a 26 year old and immediately fell for him. They went out to dinner, dancing, he even lent him some money. They have only known each other for about month and the 26 year old told him from the start that he was not interested in him sexually. Well my friend figuered that he would still hang out with the boy hoping that he would grow on him or he would change his mind. Of course all the boy did was take advantage of him and now my friend is heart broken and called me on the phone crying. I told him this would happen because he is like a fish out of water. I've been around the block a few times. I don't have a problem with him wanting to "eat life". But I don't think that as the X, I should go through this crisis with him. Am I being selfish? Shouldn't we just make a clean break if it instead talking about over and over and over? If this is what he wants, then he should go out and do it whole-heartedly and not keep me as a saftey net everytime things don't work out for him. What should I do?
     
  2. VeeP

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    IMO, you answered your own question:

     
  3. ManlyBanisters

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    I agree with VeeP - it appears he is trying to keep (bits of) his relationship with you while also getting to 'be single'. That's asking quite a lot of you. You most certainly should not feel obliged to be there for him, even though the breakup appears to have not effected the fact you can be friends.

    If you are not comfortable being his confidante / shoulder to cry on then tell him that. It's not unreasonable of you.
     
  4. lovebugxx

    lovebugxx Member

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    I know its hard letting go of someone you love !
    However you must try to hold onto the facts if you love him set him free if he comes back to you he,s yours if he does not then he never was !!
    dont be afraid to find out
    this could be the new chapter for you to find YOU AGAIN
    good luck
     
  5. Confused40

    Confused40 New Member

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    Thank you for your reply, we are going to talk tonight and I really can't see myself going through this rollercoaster ride with him. BTW, love the pic, especially the booty one..mmmmm....
     
  6. Phil Ayesho

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    Ask yourself one question.... if he wanted to come back to you, tomorrow.... would you have him?


    If not... then pinch it off and let it drop.


    If so, then you must explore how much of this you would be willing to take in the chance that he will come to grips with aging and decide the 'young' life is not all its cracked up to be.

    Keeping in mind he may never come back.


    I can't tell you how many married couples have gone thru something like this...where an aging man seeks out some youthful affirmation of his former self...
    And a wife who loves him waits for him to come to his senses and come back home.

    Nowadays, it doesn't happen as much as it used to. People today are FAR more demanding of each other and far less understanding of the pressures that prey on us as we age.

    Age hits some men like a two by four. Realizing one's mortality and the inevitable decline of years can be a desperate, fear edged time.


    Be there for him if YOU want to...

    Eventually the ridicule of the gold digging boy toys will get to him...
    And he will simmer down.... with you or without you.
     
  7. Confused40

    Confused40 New Member

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    I like what you said, be there if I want to. I don't think I want to. It would drain me emotionally more than it already has. I don't think that's fair to me. After all, I'm not the one in crisis. But if I go through this with him, I will be in crisis.






     
  8. Principessa

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  9. Confused40

    Confused40 New Member

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    I would like to take this time to thank each and everyone of you who gave me advice concerning this situation. They have all been greatly appreciated. Well just to give everyone an update: we have spoke extensively, even to the point of tears. We have decided to take a break, let each other breathe, allow this phase to run it's course, and see what happens at the end of it. One person said something very true; if it's meant to be, it will be. We are not going to commit to anyone else and just chill for a while. If we re-connect later, fine. But if not, at least we gave it our best shot. He has since dropped the 26 year boy because he realized he was being used. Will it be someone else, I don't know. But I do know this, I am going to enjoy my life with or with out him. And I am not hanging on but for so long. But I will give this a shot. But it's my last shot.
     
  10. 8060

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    I'm glad that the two of you have finally put some closure to your issue. I belive that the both of you will be much stronger for it. It obviously didn't kill you so getting stronger was the only thing left to do. I have seen how people use the advice the we dispense among each other for their own betterment or for those that they love. In times like these, people here tend to be the friends that we need and don't have readily available to us.

    I'm quite sure that I will need to lean on someone here one day. I just hope that they will as helpful to me as we have been to you, Confused40. Good night to you all.
     
  11. Confused40

    Confused40 New Member

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    Thanks a million.
     
  12. jason_els

    jason_els <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    Some will tell you to dump him. Look what he's put you through, look how he dumped you for a silly twink! Have some pride in yourself, have some self-esteem. You're not a doormat.

    On the other hand... 15 years is a long time and something was there. Just by your wording, I can see you understand him more than he understands himself; rather like a parent knowing their child will fail at something but letting him do it anyway so that he can learn his limitations on his own. That requires love.

    I think time off is a good idea. It's the right move for you both before recommitting. If you get back together though, make sure that you've said everything you need to say before doing so. Don't let anger or disappointment fester in the background. Work out all the issues so that the air is completely clear, and the wounds have all properly healed.

    Only you can answer if you love this man enough.
     
  13. solexes

    solexes New Member

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    Hey confused40!

    I met my Ex when I was 23 - and he was 18 - we were together until I was almost 30. It was a good run = but in the end - he left - and moved to another town. To this day he laments his decision on what he did - even though that was almost 3 years ago. I remind him - "Too bad. Life has moved on - and so should you."

    It isn't easy - and it isn't fun watching your ex make bad decisions - as mine did. But you know - it isn't your life - it's theirs - and they WILL make mistakes. No mater what. They could even be with a wonderfull man - but to you it will be a mistake - because it isn't you ;-) I went through that stage for a while.

    Now? I'm friends --- good friends - and cherish the time we had - but I would never be with him again. Someone who throws away a comitment - and time invested like that for a personal selfish need is someone who I am not interested in.

    Good luck - and God Speed!
     
  14. Confused40

    Confused40 New Member

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    Well folks, we went on a date tonight, dinner and a movie. We talked and we laughed. That felt good. He is distraught. It is written all over his face, his attitude, and his body language. I can't believe how quickly things can affect a person in a week. His blood pressure is high, he looks washed out, and he said that he was depressed over the whole situation. One thing is for sure, he is pissed off at that 26 year old and has since, cut him off. But he is mad that he was taken advantage of and was so desparate. We are not honeymooner's again, but we are at least being civil to one another. He has seen the error of his ways. For how long, I don't know. Maybe until the next twink comes along, LOL. But at least for now, he is being very open and honest with me about the situation and I am being understanding. We will see where things lead. Everyone enjoy your memorial day weekend. Have a blast.
     
  15. 8060

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    I'm glad that you all had a nice date. Dates are always fun. It sounds like he's mad at himself for what put the both of you through. He should be. It's just a lesson. None of us ever get too old for those. The mere fact that you two could spend time together and "talk" without arguing with each other shows real growth, on both your parts. I'm proud of you:smile: It's good that you're not lookin' too far ahead. Just enjoy the time as it comes. He need to rejuvenate himself. He's been stressed by his actions. Stress will kill you, or at least make you look like crap:biggrin1::wink: It's getting better.

    Enjoy your weekend as well.

    Happy Holiday!
     
  16. Confused40

    Confused40 New Member

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    Thanks. I'm not ready to sign the reconciliation papers yet, LOL. But I will take it one day at a time like you said. We'll see what happens.







     
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