I need some help, confused :S

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by D_Leotols Toy, Aug 7, 2009.

  1. D_Leotols Toy

    D_Leotols Toy New Member

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    So let me start by saying my head is jumbled. One of my best female friends who I hang out with daily, is well my main attraction and likewise with her to me. We both have mutual feelings about each other and the status we have, but lately it's been getting blurred for both us. We have casual sex with each other every now and then and while the thought of a relationship again (we dated a long time ago for a few months), we just don't want to see the other hurt.

    When it comes to other people and having sex with other people, there are no limitations as we're not dating and feel we both deserve our freedom. We've both admitted to caring about it, if it happens of course, and it does and has.

    Well, she went on vacation and had sex with a guy who used to live where I live. We talked about it as she knew it bothered me to an extent and the only real problem I have with it now is, I can't really decide if it would be smart to continue our sexual relationship or if I should cut it off. I feel biased as I know if I were in the same situation I would have done the same and it'd be a flipped scenario.

    Just curious as to what others input on the situation and advice. All our friends don't understand why we just don't date, but we both want freedom, but there's no denying we both care about each other. So it's like a push & pull kind of situation.

    Thoughts and some intelligent advice?
     
  2. DiscoBoy

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    You obviously have feelings for this woman. I doubt you can keep going along with this. If this sexual relationship is causing you pain and distress, then I think it's in your best interest to break it off. Mind you, you'll still feel these feelings of jealousy every time you learn she's slept with someone, so the only real solution to this problem is to either commit or move on.
     
  3. D_Leotols Toy

    D_Leotols Toy New Member

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    Not necessarily pain and distress, as it's not really upsetting me per se or even that its causing me any form of stress, just weirds me thinking of having sex when someone else had sex with her.. Iuno confusing.. But I mean it's no different I suppose because I've done the same to her.
     
  4. Bob Ross

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    Of course i'm not an expert on the situation and I don't know what you two have together but I guess if I were in this situation it would come down to weighing one decision against the other. Here's what I mean:

    It sounds like she did not have sex with this other guy with the specific intent to hurt you (perhaps, she wanted to test your emotions on it by telling you that it happened, and see how much it bothered you, if at all). And since there is no commitment, it wouldn't really be justified to hold it against her. This is not to say you shouldn't feel the way you feel. EVERY guy would be pissed off if this happened to them. It's a simple manner of genetic "hard-wiring" and pride to not want a girl you have had sex with to be with another guy. It sucks, no matter what the situation. BUT it sounds like she's (at the very least) your friend and since she wasn't in the wrong she doesn't deserve to get the cold shoulder from you. I don't know why you broke up the first time (a fight, someone cheated on someone, moved away from eachother, etc.) but if I assume it was just so you could both have your freedom. I'm assuming you have a good relationship between eachother now and not too much baggage from before. If you did, it would seem unlikely that you are still good friends.

    If thats the case, then it comes down to making a decision...

    1.) Tell her you want to date seriously...This would mean not having casual sex with other women, at all! It would also mean having to be a good boyfriend: do the things she wants to do no matter what mood your in at the time, do obligatory boyfriend stuff, etc. How difficult would this be for you to deal with?

    Or, would this be MORE difficult to deal with:

    2.) Have your freedom and be casual friends and know that she's gonna be with other men. Keep in mind, she told you about the last time and knew that it upset you, so she probably won't tell you about the times this happens in the future as she won't want to torture you. Just remember that in the back of your mind as long as you know her your going to be wondering if shes been with someone else.

    I don't have all the facts of your situation and I can't make a decision for you, but to me, I would decide what hurts more: having to be a "good boyfirend" for her, or seeing her be with other guys, and choose the lesser of two evils. To me, if you date her, and after awhile you decide you rather choose option #2, there's nothing wrong with that. Most relationships fail, and when they do, it at least brings closure: you know it's over and you are not in emotional limbo like now. Also, if you ask her to date you and she says no and that SHE prefers to have freedom, then you have laid yourself out there pretty far and you should back off from her for awhile. With that hanging out there its impossible to be "just friends". Just back away cause if you try to hang out with her still and "proove yourself" to her all the time its going to suck for both of you. It's just more emotional torture.

    I say don't stop hanging out with her at this time; it's wrong and she doesn't deserve that, I think you should decide one way or the other, decide how YOU feel, tell her how you feel, and then deal with your decision as life plays out....
     
  5. D_Leotols Toy

    D_Leotols Toy New Member

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    I like what you wrote. We broke up originally because she was hung up on her ex.. and so they got back together which she ended up cheating on him with me a couple of months later, then they broke up. We've been friends ever since with added benefits, of course.

    Well we both want to move away and don't really want attachment to be the deciding factor of moving or not.

    We both know how each other feel so it's kinda hard to lay out on the table when we already have and it's both mutual, but at the same time I get this feeling that I'm naive. Then again it's hard not to when you click with someone so well that it's unbelievable.

    At this point in time, I'm thinking my best option is just to cut it off because it doesn't seem like it's going to get us anywhere other than in a circle. The feelings won't subside as we've tried this same shit before and we just ended up in the same scenario.
     
    #5 D_Leotols Toy, Aug 8, 2009
    Last edited: Aug 8, 2009
  6. Bob Ross

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    That may be the best move...In the grand scheme of things; life is short. You shouldn't be wasting it going in circles with a girl. Just keep the memories and don't burn your bridges...You never know where each of you may end up down the road....
     
  7. B_Nick8

    B_Nick8 New Member

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    You can trust this man's advice.
     
  8. buddysattva

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    agree, freedom of this sort is too tough when there are feelings involved. been there.
     
  9. the_reverend

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    yeah, seems very much a wanting to have your cake and eat it too sort of scenario. you need to decide what's most important to you...being with her or having this abstract notion of "freedom" (which in this situation translates to "fuck whomever i want," lol). jealousy's natural when it's sex with someone you care about...but you have to figure out if it's JUST jealousy, that territorial nature deep down in our lizard brain, or if you genuinely have strong enough feelings that you not only want her only to be with you, but that you only want to be with her too.

    once you've figured that out, then decide what's more important to you. because if those feelings are true and intense enough, then you either have to do something with them (ie: pursue an actual relationship and see where it goes) or stop now before they wind up destroying the underlying friendship. you say you don't want to date for fear of hurting each other...but with feelings as strong as you're describing them and the fact you keep coming back to each other, i think you're running a greater risk of hurting each other if you DON'T.

    if you'll pardon a bit of a metaphor...you're standing in a river with a strong current. you can either swim with it and see where it takes you or get out and find a different path. you know the river's still there and still strong and you can maybe find your way back to it, but if you don't make up your mind and just stand there, in the river but not going with it, it's going to barrel you over eventually and crash you against the rocks.

    did i mention there are rocks? because there are. ;)
     
  10. D_Leotols Toy

    D_Leotols Toy New Member

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    Haha I have to say that's the best metaphor ever. And also a really good way to put. Trying to hold back these feelings just makes it bitter 'cause they're so hard to ignore.
    We both know dating is in the back of our minds 'cause ever so often we bring it up. She seems to be bringing it up now more than ever, but then again she's talking about wanting to move away real soon so I don't really know what the best option is. I don't want to come out and say it or make things awkward and then ruin our friendship because she's like my best friend. I'm hoping eventually it'll work itself out in whichever direction it's supposed to be or the opportunity for something will arise
     
  11. the_reverend

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    as someone who's had a bad habit since middle school of falling for my best friends...the friendship is usually strong enough to survive you admitting your feelings are getting stronger. especially when you've dated before, and especially when you're sleeping together! lol! i say take the plunge. to borrow from Mallrats, you're clearly retarded for each other. and if she IS planning on moving away, then you'd best make the most of the time you have left. believe me, you're more likely to regret the things you DON'T do than the ones you do.
     
  12. D_Leotols Toy

    D_Leotols Toy New Member

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    Yea we're both at the consensus of "well, we could date and either be really happy or hurt each other, or not date then always regret never dating when we're with someone else."

    We weren't best friends before we dated actually. Interesting story.. was at a party and was passed out and apparently her and a friend were sitting next to me and she was saying how hot I was and hoped I didn't wake up and hear her.. and I woke up like right then, but didn't hear anything and was like "WOW" and had an immediate attraction, never talked to her, but my buddy knew I thought she was hot cause I always talked about her, so he ended up talking to her being the ladies man he was and dating her for 2 weeks.. In those 2 weeks she realized we were friends and everywhere they went on like dates she made him drag me along, lol. We ended up dating for 4 months, but I've never ever had an attraction to someone like that. At first sight.

    We lost our virginity to each other and sometimes I contribute that to how I feel about her as it can create a bond or some shit like that, but honestly it was like that ever since I first laid eyes on her. and same with her as she ended up telling me her side of the story for that night at the party. Strange how things work
     
  13. the_reverend

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    every story you tell about this girl, i think you're answering your own question...;)
     
  14. Principessa

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    Some people can do the friends with benefits thing, others can't. I tried it once and it's not for me. Sounds like it's not for you either. :cool:
     
  15. D_Leotols Toy

    D_Leotols Toy New Member

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    Lol, yea you're both right -_-

    I think if I did just cut it off 2 things would happen:
    -I would end up acting bitter (seems to be how I tend to try to dispel feelings) and pushing her away which in turn wouldn't help at all
    -I'd end up right back in the same boat..

    Looks like that leaves one other option left.
     
  16. helgaleena

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    You both talk about moving away-- do either of you have firm plans about it? That would be a good excuse to spend even more time together because it is soon going to end.

    Or not!

    But it sounds as if it is this woman who is afraid of commitment, not you. If you move in hard, make the most of your time with her, she will be forced to confront the extent of her own feelings. If she begins to push you away, then you will both have learned this is not right for you.
     
  17. D_Leotols Toy

    D_Leotols Toy New Member

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    No firm plans yet, but she just went on vacation and fell in love with it there and she says if her scholarship for college is running up why not move instead of waiting to finish here. She's afraid of commitment. She knows it, I know it. She says she's scared of messing it up. She said she's scared to deal with someone elses feelings when she's unsure of her own, but she said couldn't figure out why I'm the only person she can actually feel like her real self around.

    In a sense I'm afraid of commitment mainly because the girl's have broken up with me, not because I'm actually afraid of having one. I'm quite the catch, or so all my friend's say. It's just I feel there's so much between both of us that if nothing at all happens or she moves or I move that it we wouldn't be able to enjoy it because we'd always be wondering what if..
     
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