I need some help (opinions)

[B_thickjohnny]

I know what I did was not good - looking at BFs emails - but I did and I found something this morning that worries me.

He was suppose to be at his parents all weekend for a visit. He does this every couple of months so this time was nothing new or different. But for some reason it didn't seem the same.

He had a hotel booked for two people in a completely different city.

What would you do? Leave it? Ask him what he was doing there? He'll certainly ask how I found out!

Back in January, he left his email open and I saw emails from some guy who works for an airline. One email said something like I look forward to seeing you again for coffee or ...hehe!

I'm at a bit of a loss and would appreciate some ideas.

Thanks

 

[D_Dagleishe Deadlyfarte]

Make sure you get your facts straight before you accuse. Honestly, I would just leave it be, HOWEVER, stay aware to see if any other signals flare up. Unfortunately, if you're looking for something, you'll eventually find something, feel me?

 

[B_thickjohnny]

Yeah I totally agree. I don't want to jump off half cocked. A friend here thinks otherwise and told me to call the hotel and ask him what he's doing there and not with his folks.

I called the hotel and another guy answered. When I called back and asked the receptionist who was registered in the room of course I was told they couldn't tell me. But the receptionist did say that he thought it was only one person. So maybe he made the reservation for someone else??? Strange I think, but possible.

 

[lopo2000]

Always remember one thing, nothing exists unless something proves it... So, just assume he doesn't do anything wrong, because all that you found are just descriptive, he booked a hotel room in a different city... That's it... Just be aware though for anything, even if you haven't seen the e-mail, you should always be aware of anything. Make a wise decision and all... I really hope your relationship is fine. Fight for it...

 

[B_thickjohnny]

We've been together for 3 years. In January I accidentally - he left his email open - saw several emails from someone. He was furious that I even looked at his computer and explained that the guy was a friend - only a friend and that he's entitled to friends. Then I found out that he went to a bath house "alone" just to relax. And over the last couple of months things have been strange. Sex has been reduced to almost nothing. When I try he says he's tired. Now this.

He sent me a text message about an hour ago saying: I guess you read my email and know where I am.

I did not reply. I'll wait until he's back and hear what he has to say.

 

[lopo2000]

Still be objective okay. You're his boyfriends, so I also believe that you have the right for transparency, and your bf should be able to not be scared when you take a look at his files or something - not that it justifies you doing so.

Discuss with him and talk about how he feels and how you feel and how you really need him. Honesty will come to you when you're honest with him. Avoid egoistic talking, like "I don't need you" or something.

All the best. Keep us posted...

 

[B_thickjohnny]

Thanks for being positive. I'm not so positive at the moment. I don't think he's happy in our relationship for whatever reason but will not break up with me because it would put a significant crimp in his lifestyle. He lives with me in my condo, has a car, travels with me on nice holidays, etc. If he moves out he loses all of that. Since he's still a student he'll be on his own with nothing. Why he didn't think of this before heading out Friday boggles my mind.

P.S. there's a significant age difference between us. I'm 53 and he's 24. I've always been slightly uncomfortable with that gap exactly for this reason. I was his first experience. Eventually, I thought, he would want to experience more or meet someone, even casually, and experiment. Maybe this is all coming to fruition.

 

[dolfette]

you're a 50something year man checking up on the movements of the 20something year old boyfriend you don't trust not to stray.

that alone is reason enough for me to think this relationship is doomed, doomed, doomed, even if he's not cheating.

 

[B_thickjohnny]

I'm afraid you're right.

 

[Northland]

Either you trust him or you don't-and continually checking his e-mails, followed with calling the hotel says you don't, or are at least harboring doubts. Confrontiing him will only push him away, especially if he's innocent. You've had doubts before and may have them again. It's a matter of deciding what you want in life and in a relationship.

Best of luck in this.

 

[captainwhackit]

My instincts here are telling me what I think you already know.

I think you need to sit down and really think about what you are expecting from this relationship. As you said, you were his first experience, and there is a considerable age difference. Neither on its own is grounds to fear things will inevitably crumble, but both together?

Personally, if I considered that the relationship was worth it, I would suggest coming to an agreement that suits you both.
If you love him, and your appreciation of him is deeper than sexual, I would suggest you consider being "friends with benefits". You can still maintain your sexual relationship and have a best friend to go with it. But it means you both having the freedom to be elsewhere and with others.

I have a great relationship with a younger guy (eight years younger), we're best friends, and we share a sexual side to our friendship too. He is recently married.
This suits me. I love him as a very close friend, but I don't make any demands on him. We just share mutual masturbation (neither of us are into anal) every week or so. We socialize together (with the Mrs too) and our sexual sharing is completely separate from any relationship. We're just friends who are relaxed enough around each other to share it.
And yes, the Mrs has suggested before they were married that she was aware of our "close friendship", but she also knows he isn't going to leave a loving, committed heterosexual marriage to shack up with a guy he wanks with. She knows we're just very close friends with very few boundaries, and she accepts it.

Ultimately, I think you need to decide if you want to keep him in your life. I'm afraid that if you don't discuss it with him and agree to certain freedoms, you're definitely going to loose him.
Just remember, if he has such freedom, you deserve that freedom too. And that is something you can't compromise on when you do start to thrash out an agreement that suits both of you.

 

[B_thickjohnny]

I think he admitted in his text message that he was not where he said he would be this weekend. "I guess you read my email and know where I am" says a lot. I didn't reply because I don't think text messages are good forms of communication. I'll wait until he's back. I was thinking of meeting him at the train station (which I do every time he goes to visit his family) and asking him if he had a good weekend. I'll let him do the talking from there.

 

[dolfette]

I'm afraid you're right.

my opinion, for what it's worth...

some relationships are fated to be perfect for a while but not to last the distance. that they're destined to end doesn't reduce the value or beauty of it...unless you hold onto them too long. held past their time they start to fester and what was beautiful becomes ugly.

when he's 40 and in his prime, you'll be an old man. age gaps can be cruel.

 

[B_thickjohnny]

Thanks Captain for your thoughts. The problem is that he lives with me not on his own. I might be more open to an open relationship such as yours if that was the case. But I support him and that's the part I'll have problems with if it becomes an open relationship. I know guys who do it but the rules are they play together never apart. I've been unfaithful once in the three years and I admitted it when it happened. I went to a bath house while he was out of town - something I've never done - and it happened. I had sex with a total stranger. But I didn't spend the weekend with him!

 

[NCbear]

Financial support and open relationships are (or at least should be) two different things. Otherwise, you're in exactly the same kind of relationship as the teenaged straight man who thinks he's entitled to pussy because he bought the dinner for the girl.

NCbear (who makes eight times what my man makes, but who participated in negotiating our open relationship with NO consideration of those financial issues--which to both of us are separate from what we do or do not do in bed)

 

[sexplease]

it's not what he's doing ( you do not own him) but it's why you think he's doing something you feel is not an agreed upon behavior in your relationship.
People make the big mistake of ASSUMING monogamy of their partner.
Monogamy is a CHOSEN life-style.
Talk about that, and never mind (for now) your assumptions and snooping.(those are just symptoms of relationship discord)
Talk - say " I feel" and not, You this or YOU that.
LISTEN
When people argue, yell, and the like, if you really listen to them, they are expressing what they feel is a or their solution to a problem (or challenge)
and seek some individual and couple counseling.
Your life is really too important to not have your needs met and, AND force or assume YOUR needs on others (partner, friends or whomever)

 

[captainwhackit]

I had sex with a total stranger. But I didn't spend the weekend with him!

Unfortunately, I don't think the amount of time spent playing away makes any difference. If either partner would feel hurt by an action it makes no difference to them whether it's half an hour or a weekend.

And sexplease, you're completely on the money when you say people just assume that monogamy means the same for all of us, or that such is implied immediately without discussion. The truth is, many people see their relationships in completely different ways, it's all about the couple and the agreements they make to each other. That's what marriage was intended for; to make the agreement and state what the limits and boundaries are, for all to see and hear.

thickjohnny, only you know him, and if you really consider it, you'll come to the right conclusions relating to the support. I hate to say it, but I think if you're speaking like this now, you already know he'll be gone once the free ride is over.

What would I do?
As an outsider, and based only on what you've told us here, I'd speak to him when he gets back and see what the deal is. If he expects you to carry on supporting him while he plays around and you don't find that acceptable, then it's over.
But there's also every chance he'll want to carry on having a sexual relationship with you while exploring, and once he's out of the house and on his own two feet.
You mentioned that sex is now seldom and routine? Perhaps this is more about his freedom.
I know it sounds odd and perhaps unfair, but if you did come to some agreement and had an open relationship, you might find that your sex life becomes hotter than it ever has been.

Ultimately it's all down to you both. He might come back crying and saying how sorry he is. He might not. None of us can tell you what you should do.
But I would really consider trying to save the relationship, or any aspects that you enjoy, while coming to an agreement between you that gives you both the life you want.

 

[helgaleena]

It has come time and things are going to change. Just because you pay the bills does not entitle you to anything except his KINDNESS. How both of you define that is up to you both.

Please tell us what happens. We are all part of your story now.

 

[B_thickjohnny]

He came and there was no remorse. I mean, he apologized but the way it was done was so casual. We talked and we ended it. Now he's incredibly angry and yelling because as he was leaving I asked him to leave his keys. He said no because he needs to come back for the rest of his stuff. I said I'd be here so that's not a good enough reason. Then out of the blue and laughing he told me how much trouble I'll be in in my business - in which he really was an integral part. I have no idea what that means except that he really handled the book keeping and record keeping and for a little while I'll be up to my nose figuring it all out. But that's my problem and I'll need to deal with it. I think he was reaching for straws in some vain attempt that I would say yes, I need you so badly. Now I need to decide if I should cancel his email accounts immediately or let it ride a few days.

 

[dolfette]

if he's playing it mean then cover your back.
change locks, change paperwork, whatever else needs doing.