I need some help (opinions)

[lopo2000]

Bravo! This is a happy ending to your story...

 

[lopo2000]

Oh, anyways, come on, you are not seriously thinking of reconciling with him, are you?

 

[D_Otis_Criblecoblis]

For what I've read he is not that interested in staying with you. You should cut your losses and tell him to pack his bags....Good luck

 

[Gillette]

I don't have a problem seeing him again - after some time has passed I think and I "recover" from what I've learned. My problem now is that he's on my payroll and he won't be really working for me anymore although I guess I could press the issue and insist that he do the things he is paid to do. On the other side, this money pays the rent in his new apartment where he might be entertaining other "dates". It's a dilemma. I'm an ass (in his mind) if I terminate him and might ruin any chance of reconciliation; I'm an ass (to myself) if I continue to enable him.

He threatened to ruin your business, that alone should be reason for termination. It doesn't matter that it was said in the heat of the moment. If he's as much a manipulator as he seems to be and he's not getting his way he'll might just do it, after all it crossed his mind enough to say it.

He suggests dating again and you're open to the idea A DAY after he shows no remorse for lying to you? He's still sucking from your teat, getting paid for not even working. It's very likely that he'll try to worm his way back into the condo by getting into your good graces.

Please don't be a chump.

The only way there is a chance for a healthy relationship is if he is standing on his own. Let him find employment elsewhere, let him support himself for a few months and then, only then, if he still wants to see you can you be sure he's interested in you and not just what he can leech from you.

 

[D_Sparroe Spongecaques]

I'd tell him to P off and never darken my doorway again.He sounds like he used you for a lush lifestyle and wants his cake and to eat it too.

My ex did something similar to me/.....once only.......he's on his uppers now he doesnt have me to pay for everything....tough,it was his choice to F around.

 

[B_thickjohnny]

The only way there is a chance for a healthy relationship is if he is standing on his own. Let him find employment elsewhere, let him support himself for a few months and then, only then, if he still wants to see you can you be sure he's interested in you and not just what he can leech from you.

These are my thoughts. A friend said today that he thinks we were meant to be together and not to let this one offense - as bad as it was - ruin everything we had and/or could have. He thinks I should not let him sign a lease on a flat but talk it out and reconcile. I personally agree with Gillette. He needs to know what it's like to pay rent, cable, food bills, etc. If he wants to test the waters with other guys, let him do it now. I felt at the beginning that this could happen just because he NEVER had other experiences. Maybe, if us being together is meant to be, after he does all of this, he might be back. If not, than maybe it really wasn't meant to be in the first place.

 

[B_thickjohnny]

Last question for you guys. We had reservations to go to Paris Thursday. He booked and paid for the airfare (non refundable) and I booked the hotel (fully refundable). He's not happy that I told him I wasn't going and that the airfare is his and he should have thought about the possibility that IF I found out he'd be paying for this.

A friend here said I should go and enjoy the time and maybe use this time together to talk.

Any comments???

P.S. I can afford to go btw. That's not the issue. The issue is should we go together.

 

[helgaleena]

Well johnny at least he is only your employee now, not both things at once. Start there. If he actually does not do any more work for you, fire him once he is obviously shirking. Do not give him reason to spread lies about you being only vindictive to him. If he does work for you and is competent at it even with your breakup, continue to pay him.

You must follow your heart about the rest once he realizes what living on his own costs.

I cannot believe my ex called me a thief and a user and then sent me a check to do his taxes and other things! I sent it right back because I was unwilling to supply him with future ammo. Nor did I do his taxes for him. So he wrote me expressing his opinion of my vileness and immaturity etc. But I am not sitting still for it anymore.
I hope this helps you to have perspective somehow with your situation.

 

[molotovmuffin]

You seriously need new friends! Look, the kid is out for your money, not you. Period. You've been given good advise so far and you keep thinking "that if you do this that or the other thing"... then he'll be so much more appreciative of you and what you have to offer or that he'll figure out that he really loves you. Look... that's not going to happen. You're trying to rationalize being an emotional yoyo and it's not going to work. He's going to cheat on you every chance he gets. Cut your losses, get over and move on. Find someone who's worth your time and attention.

Last question for you guys. We had reservations to go to Paris Thursday. He booked and paid for the airfare (non refundable) and I booked the hotel (fully refundable). He's not happy that I told him I wasn't going and that the airfare is his and he should have thought about the possibility that IF I found out he'd be paying for this.

A friend here said I should go and enjoy the time and maybe use this time together to talk.

Any comments???

P.S. I can afford to go btw. That's not the issue. The issue is should we go together.

 

[helgaleena]

Last question for you guys. We had reservations to go to Paris Thursday. He booked and paid for the airfare (non refundable) and I booked the hotel (fully refundable). He's not happy that I told him I wasn't going and that the airfare is his and he should have thought about the possibility that IF I found out he'd be paying for this.

A friend here said I should go and enjoy the time and maybe use this time together to talk.

Any comments???

P.S. I can afford to go btw. That's not the issue. The issue is should we go together.

You can't be serious! You just threw him out and he isn't feeling the cost of it yet; so let him fly to Paris alone or with some other seat filler and get your hotel money back.

 

[Countryguy63]

Johnny,

LISTEN to the Ladies!! :smile:

 

[dolfette]

i think he's playing nice because he's remembered he relies on you for his paycheque.

 

[TaigaStar]

I would not say it's a bad idea to reconcile with him, but I think you should take some time. He needs to mature a little more first, in my opinion. I say you should let him fly to Paris on his own (and cancel the hotel), because he needs to feel the pang of losing money he can't afford to spend. He fucked up, now he needs to live with the consequences.

 

[B_thickjohnny]

Agreed! I got the what-for from so many people who said all of the same things plus some since they all know him. One of my neighbors said she sensed something was amiss a year ago but she never wanted to stir shit. Honestly, and I never admitted it before, but I had similar feelings but couldn't quite put my finger on why I was having feelings of "distance". He wanted to go out with his friends more - which I encouraged because of his age and I didn't want it to come back later that he didn't experience this, etc. Our sex life suffered included him not wanting to be touched in certain areas of his body (like his butt). I'm now wondering if he's been up to no good for longer than this past weekend. Going to the nether regions might have been a give away, if you know what I mean!

 

[ferfed]

good luck bro

 

[mariamluvsEMbig]

why wouldn't you confront him about this...it's his fault you just happened to see his opened e-mails...and even if you did break into his e-mail it doesn't change the fact that he could possibly be cheating on you...

I know what I did was not good - looking at BFs emails - but I did and I found something this morning that worries me.

He was suppose to be at his parents all weekend for a visit. He does this every couple of months so this time was nothing new or different. But for some reason it didn't seem the same.

He had a hotel booked for two people in a completely different city.

What would you do? Leave it? Ask him what he was doing there? He'll certainly ask how I found out!

Back in January, he left his email open and I saw emails from some guy who works for an airline. One email said something like I look forward to seeing you again for coffee or ...hehe!

I'm at a bit of a loss and would appreciate some ideas.

Thanks

 

[hunkydory]

Just going to chime in with something a little different, when you were 30 years old this kid was 1. As roles go it is kind of your job to pick up the tab - if the kid had his own money he would probably be hanging out with other 24 year olds. There is no equity in relationships like this and the kid always has the power, he can probably get another 56 year old faster than you can get another 24 year old.
You also mentioned that you accidentally saw his emails a lot - sounds to me that you were looking for evidence of what you already knew but it was hardly an accident. Do you really want to be a 56 year old man who is checking up on a kids emails to see if he is faithful to you? It is great to take a mentoring role in a younger gay mans life but that requires more discipline than most older gay guys have. I was living on my own since I was 17 and never had a adult male in my life and would have loved a relationship with an older gay guy that was platonic but affectionate - but they all turned into jealous bitches and it was a shame cause I could have used the advice of someone more mature. Have you thought about why you are not dating someone your own age? If this sounds ruff I don't mean to be but had to say it.

 

[D_Relentless Original]

if he's playing it mean then cover your back.
change locks, change paperwork, whatever else needs doing.

^ Spot on Dol

Today he came over to collect more of his stuff. He said he's very sorry for the way things happened and that he never meant to hurt me, blah, blah, blah. He said that he needs to be own his own (since he moved in with me without ever really living on his own). He wants to start over - date me again. When I asked about seeing other people he said he didn't want to talk about that.

I'm not sure what direction to take. See him again (dating, as he put it) or leaving it be.

Johnny, leave the Thick out of it, you don't know which direction to take?? Take the opposite one to his!

He threatened to ruin your business, that alone should be reason for termination. It doesn't matter that it was said in the heat of the moment. If he's as much a manipulator as he seems to be and he's not getting his way he'll might just do it, after all it crossed his mind enough to say it.

He suggests dating again and you're open to the idea A DAY after he shows no remorse for lying to you? He's still sucking from your teat, getting paid for not even working. It's very likely that he'll try to worm his way back into the condo by getting into your good graces.

Please don't be a chump.

The only way there is a chance for a healthy relationship is if he is standing on his own. Let him find employment elsewhere, let him support himself for a few months and then, only then, if he still wants to see you can you be sure he's interested in you and not just what he can leech from you.

Gillette is right ^

Last question for you guys. We had reservations to go to Paris Thursday. He booked and paid for the airfare (non refundable) and I booked the hotel (fully refundable). He's not happy that I told him I wasn't going and that the airfare is his and he should have thought about the possibility that IF I found out he'd be paying for this.

A friend here said I should go and enjoy the time and maybe use this time together to talk.

Any comments???

P.S. I can afford to go btw. That's not the issue. The issue is should we go together.

Any Comments???, Yes, the damage is done, keep your dignity and respect for yourself, the choice is yours Johnny, but wake up and smell the coffee mate.

You seriously need new friends! Look, the kid is out for your money, not you. Period. You've been given good advise so far and you keep thinking "that if you do this that or the other thing"... then he'll be so much more appreciative of you and what you have to offer or that he'll figure out that he really loves you. Look... that's not going to happen. You're trying to rationalize being an emotional yoyo and it's not going to work. He's going to cheat on you every chance he gets. Cut your losses, get over and move on. Find someone who's worth your time and attention.

^ Right again.

i think he's playing nice because he's remembered he relies on you for his paycheque.

Sorry to be harsh Johnny, but you gotta walk away, employ someone to sort out your books and business and correct everything. Like Dolfette says change the locks everything. Move on and learn from this, its painful admittedly,but you could get a lot more losses financially and mentally from this, cut it and go fella, good luck to you. Hugs.

 

[B_thickjohnny]

Hunky. I understand completely what you're saying. I was the mentor and I did pick up the tab. He was/is in school but worked for me part time. Maybe that was a mistake but he enjoyed the work and was really did a great job. He has told me over and over that he just doesn't "get it" with other 24 year olds. He prefers the company of older people - male or female.

You are 100% right about the emails. I never ever thought he would do this until I saw his open emails one day back in January. He accidentally left his mail open on his notebook and I went in to the office (in my spare room) for something else and saw the emails. He said they (there were three guys in total) were friends and that he was just looking to make new friends. I have no problem with that so it didn't explode into anything more. But since then I've been seeing other little so called signs. Like his lack of romance. Sex fell off. He spent more time out with school friends (supposedly).

But this was really premeditated. He met the guy on Gay Romeo which means he has an account on Gay Romeo. He then met the guy face to face one night when he told me that he was out with school friends after an exam. Then they, I guess, decided to go one step further.

Geez, the more I write, the angrier I get. I never really suspected he would be like this. But in retrospect he never had any other experiences prior to me. I knew this from the get go and I even told him that it might one day cause problems. Of course he said no. Easy to say but...

Now, people see me as the old guy hung up on a young guy. I was truly in love with the guy. I wanted to see his face every single day and every single night. Had he gone to a bath house I would have understood and taken it better because he would have been in OUR bed that night, after whatever happened, and not in a hotel room somewhere and then having breakfast with the guy the next morning.

The more I write, the more I DON'T see reconciliation. He did this, not me. If he "loves" me, he needs to show it to me some how.

 

[Florida Boy]

He said he's very sorry for the way things happened and that he never meant to hurt me, blah, blah, blah.

And that is pattern BS. Saying what he knows is expected.

He said that he needs to be own his own (since he moved in with me without ever really living on his own). He wants to start over - date me again. When I asked about seeing other people he said he didn't want to talk about that.

Think about it, he only stands to gain from starting over again. If the two of you have feelings for each other that remain and you would like to give it a go or start over. Give it a try, but only under certain conditions. He stated that he needed to be on his own, as it seems as though he may have come from his parents to your residence. deal with him that you don't see each other for a full year while he is on his own and you both have time to think. Since you both will be in recovery of a sort it would be a good idea not to date anyone. That could only confuse the issue.

Just my two cents worth. it