I need some insight

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Imported, Feb 5, 2003.

  1. Imported

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    Grande4: Hey guys,

    I am basically a new-bee here. So far, I like the board. You guys and gals are very interesting.

    Can you help me out... :)

    I’ve been dating this girl for 5 years and I enjoy being with her a lot. She is beautiful, has a good body, smart, sweet, caring, etc. She is the first girlfriend I’ve ever had and she treats me really good. In fact, she was my first kiss. We have a lot of things in common and get a long well. Also, we are both virgins saving ourselves for marriage, but we do others things to fulfill our urges (if you know what I mean ).

    However, here is the thing: on one of my jobs, there is this girl, very beautiful, good body, smart, and somewhat shy. But I have gotten her to talk and open up a little to me. She even told me a little bit about the boyfriend she just broke up with. Anyway, I find myself thinking about her lately, and I don’t know why. I want to make it clear, I don’t intend to cheat on my girlfriend. However, I do find this girl very attractive and like to talk to her. I even told my girlfriend about her, how beautiful she was and even joked about a threesome . I also told this girl about the five year relationship I have with my current girlfriend.

    I’ve been trying to understand why I’ve been thinking about his girl lately. The only thing I could come up with is that I don’t have any female friends that I am close with and could talk to about many things, including sex and relationships. When my girlfriend and I argue, it would be nice to get a female perspective. I don’t know, I am just babbling….

    Basically, I am asking you guys to shed some light on why you think I am thinking about this girl. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think about her 24 hours/7 days a week. I actually mentioned to my girlfriend, that if I get to really know this girl well, I might try to introduced her with my best friend because I think (so far) they would be good together.

    By the way, I am 26 years old and live in NY.

    Thanks for listening

    Ron
     
  2. benderten2001

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    [quote author=Grande4 link=board=relationships;num=1044501458;start=0#0 date=02/05/03 at 19:17:38]"... been dating this girl for 5 years and I enjoy being with her a lot.  She is beautiful, has a good body, smart, sweet, caring, etc.  She is the first girlfriend I’ve ever had and she treats me really good.  In fact, she was my first kiss.  We have a lot of things in common and get a long well. 

     I want to make it clear, I don’t intend to cheat on my girlfriend. .."[/quote]


    Hi Ron,

    I'm no expert...but here's my take on your plight.
    I think you need analysis.

    SELF-analysis.

    Notice what you said in the above quote.
    I certainly "get it" as an outsider to your story...but, ---do YOU GET IT?
    Obviously, you care about your long-time girl friend.
    (Five years is alot of time, friend!) Think of it!!

    As to wondering about your attraction to the other girl at work---I wouldn't sweat it. (Other guys, and gals, can "notice" someone else from time to time for whatever reason and there's not a need to fret over it)

    But, I again call your attention to your first long-time girl friend. You have invested considerable time, effort, and (I believe) a chunk of your heart in that relationship.

    And, consider: ---how does she feel about you?
    Where do you (and she) ultimately WANT your relationship to go?
    Could it be either of you fear commitment (like in the "M" word (marriage?) --further down the road?
    What do you see, sense, or feel with the "new girl friend" that you don't see in your first? Compared to your first girl, how important are those differences in the long-term?

    To handle this situation, I would find a way to spend a little more time with your first girl; get into some candid conversations with her as to how she feels about you and your future together. (Let that guide you somewhat about whether there is a potential future with her at all-- from HER side of things.) As to abstaining from a physical union, that is strictly your choice, of course.
    (Frankly, I commend you for your celebacy this long and that is in keeping with my philosophy as well...hold off until you are sure...very sure.) You come across as the kind of guy who is seeking a long-term relationship above all else. From what you imply, so does your first girl friend. You just need to "zero-in" on the liklihood of a future and your mutual goals of this long-term friendship, yes, ideally--so you can BOTH be happy.

    As to "pairing up" your second girl friend with one of your buds, that may not be a bad idea! (I would even be tempted I believe to "pair 'em up and get 'em out of sight" (at least for awhile) until your confused feelings settle down a bit and you realize that girl friend number one has already offered you a lot of good "positives" to build a meaningful relationship around. From what you say about your first girl, a lot of guys would gladly accept those attributes and would with considerable great joy to boot.

    You asked for advice. From any of us here, we can only offer "our outsider's look" from what you have told us.
    Admittedly, this sounds cliche...but it really is true here--
    YOU and only YOU will have to decide by carefully looking at this situation....not with your eyes necessarily, ...but (as you already know) ---with your heart.
     
  3. Imported

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    brad2002: If you are serious abut your relationship with your girlfriend, you need to keep away from this other chick. This is dangerous busines.. Stop trying to get her to "open up" and all that bullshit. don't have lunch with her or have any kind of chit chat. business only. Look at the floor when she walks by. Don't fool yourself with that I-need-a-girlfriend-who-isn't-my girlfriend crap. If you were married, this is exactly the kind of situation you would need to protect your marriage from. if you play with fire, you will get burned.

    Second. you are 26 and I assume your girlfriend is close to that, as well. If you were really serious about this chick, you would be married by now. Five years! What have you been doing - playing Candy Land? Marry her and get on with your lives (and with real sex, not the make-believe stuff) or separate and get on with your lives.

    Since you asked, i think you are obsessing about this girl because you have serious doubts about ever moving forward with the current one. I respectfully suggest you examine why you are in a long term relationship with apparrently no intention of consummating it (marriage). If you want to know how you really feel about each other, stop having sex (yes, all that other stuff is sex, too!) and get to know each other without that clouding your judgment.

    I know I sound like a pushy control freak here, but I hate to see a guy in your situation because i've been there. boy, have i been there! Good luck.
     
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