I need straight up advice

[fatddyslam]

So here it goes:

Pretty unhappy with my life. Not like i'll harm myself in any way, but ive been going through a phase of depression following my move back home. I just moved down from Central Cali where i actually had a couple of close, gay friends.

Now that im back home where i went to Community College, im hanging out with all the same people who didnt know anything about me back in the day.

i am right back in the closet, but this time with consequence. This time around, ive already admit to myself i am gay, i just havent admit to any of my old friends. that's eating away at me.

dating in Los Angeles: that's eating away at me. I'm not part of the whole scene and am not opposed to being in it, I just dont have those kind of friends. "The scene" in Los Angeles is about how beautiful you are (stereotype, but for a reason), and while i may not lacking in that department either, im anything but satisfied.

actually, sometimes i feel as though sex is a form of self-validation and its not healthy to seek that kind of attention or feeling.

Given all that, I tried to be a good boy and date a nice man. I thought he was nice, until after our 5th date, he texts me (yes, texts):

"I cant give you what I want. And I think I am in love with someone else. Madly in Love. Im sorry."

So that was pretty cool.
Sometimes i feel as though im made to be alone, and its because ive forgotten what it feels like to be in love or love someone intimately.

Dont get me wrong. I get laid A LOT. Or shall i say "lay" a lot. I am ALWAYS safe and mostly do foreplay unless im actually dating/seeing a guy, but there are times I think im addicted to sex. At times i think having a long-term, strong relationship with a man is impossible.

So before i go to therapy (because thats what i really need), just wanted to see if there was ANY advice out there anyone can give. Even if it's just one suggestion that might help me with this turmoil.

Ive heard people say "youll come out when your ready and things will get better," but give me the real deal. Tell me how it is.

thanks in advance LPSG community

 

[monel]

There are many others on this forum better equipped to advise you on coming out than I. But I can tell you this, we are each in control of our own happiness and as such have the power to remove ourselves from unhappiness. The guy that texted you his "Dear John" message is a prick and a coward. His shortcomings are not a reflection on you. You are better off with him out of your life. If you cannot be yourself among your old friends, then you need to meet new friends with whom you feel more authentic. The ultimate purpose in life is to be happy. Sounds simple. More often it is not.

 

[MasterDavidXI]

You need to meet a couple or more gay guys were you are living again. This can be done in several subtle ways on the Internet. I am not interested in you sexually, and have a houseboi of the past 15 years. I will be happy to tell you of some such ways to finds carefully hidden gay guys, but you will need to trust me enough to contact me. I am not a miracle worker but have helped a number of guys who had to leave a gay accepting environment and return to the straight and narrow ways of a God fearing list. Mercy.

 

[D_Rufus_D_Dufus]

Be honest to yourself. Who cares about what everyone is going to think about you. If you come out of the closet and the people you hang out with disappear, they were never really your friends to begin with. You only get one life, live it and stop worrying. It's gonna get you nowhere.

 

[boerkie]

good luck with body beautiful Los Angeles, and if you are so LUCKY, West Hollywood!! GRIN!!
I have lived in Central Cali before i moved down here. so yes, it is such a different world up there.
do yourself the biggest favor ever- do not allow fear of man's opinion, fear of rejection, cause you to "change" who you are. look, you are an amazing person, from what i read. and to hide that , due to not being out, fuck!! NO!!
a lot of the men and women here, have walked the path you are looking down now, and have chosen to, ABOVE ALL ELSE, be true to themselves.
yes, you shed some friendship baggage when you do that. but why try to keep their friendship and lie to yourself?
TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE!!!

 

[CascadeMDG]

Okay, here's the deal: You're unhappy because you shoved yourself back into the closet on two levels: friendship and romance. You're obviously looking to connect, both with friends and with a partner. But now you live in a place known to promote superficiality--and you're not being honest with your friends because if they leave you'd be "home" but still have to start from scratch.

You're a really attractive guy, so I'm sure you don't have any problems getting attention. Don't try to see things that aren't there, just because it's what you're hoping for. Be straight up honest about what you want, and you'll get it sooner or later.

 

[Original English Thick Cut]

Do yourself a favour and find a supportive therapist ASAP. I and countless others have made the journey as our sexuality crystalized. You also need to find support and I suggest you start with the friend you absolutely trust the most. That is how I started. Please remember that in 2011 you have no need to be "one way or the other". You are the right age to find similar minded friends so start with a coming out group, attend a G/L luncheon. Find a hiking/ photography/ whatever / interest group and make some non-sexual friends. Take it easy on yourself!

 

[Sklar]

You don't need therapy. You're perfectly normal. You're reacting normally for someone who has moved back home and trying to reintegrate yourself with family and friends AND trying to make new friends at the same time.

It just takes time is all.

Just relax and BE YOURSELF. It's amazing what will happen when you stop thinking about it and just start doing it.

Sklar

 

[nudeyorker]

^Frankly I was going to say the exact same thing that Sklar did^
Other than that the guy that texted you is a man-child you are better off without; anyone who can't face someone but texts and thinks that is OK is an idiot.

Deal with each issue one at a time and it will all come together for you again.

 

[ColoradoGuy]

fatddyslam: I think I'd tell you to find something else to occupy your time with (for the time being). At the heart of this, it sounds like you just want to expand your circle of friends because you miss the guys you could 'be yourself' around upstate. So expose yourself to some different situations. Four ideas:

1. Do some volunteer work;
2. Join a gym;
3. Take a class in something that interests you;
4. Get involved in something you believe in (raise money for charity, get involved as a political canvasser, etc.)

The idea is to do something that forces you beyond your current acquaintances and relationships and exposes you to a different group of people. You can be yourself with your new friends and that may, in time, give you the confidence to be yourself around your old friends.

It's way too easy to get wrapped around the axle trying to figure out what's normal, why we're not happy, and what we should do about it. Often, the answer is pretty simple: if what you're doing right now is not fulfilling, try doing something else.

 

[EdWoody]

Can't really add much more to the excellent advice already given. Not to diminish your feelings or anything, but these are not big problems. They're normal problems that everyone has at some point or another, and certainly nothing that needs a therapist. A therapist will take your money and convince you you've got some massive complex that only hundreds of hours and thousands of dollars can cure. Bollocks to that.

Even the gay angle to them isn't that much - like Sklar said above, these are the problems anyone faces on moving back to an old locale. Get out there, meet new people, be open with them as you were upstate, and the opinions of the old gang will gradually be less of a big deal to you.

As for the guy who dumped you by text, I'm with the majority that he was the asshole. Don't let him knock your emotions. What he did doesn't reflect on you, so don't let it get to you.

Also, glad to hear that you're having safe sex. Don't become a statistic - you're better than that.

 

[fatddyslam]

Wow. If i could, i'd hit the "like" button at the bottom of each one of your replies.

maybe i was being a bit dramatic about the therapist thing, but i really feel like i needed to reach out in any way. i know people do not judge in these threads and it's refreshing to see.

A little more light to be shed: I am not so much afraid of my friends intolerance of my sexuality. I have a very good group of friends that would definitely support me but most of my fear is within. I feel as though i still have resentment towards being gay. I dont think it was a choice and I am out to myself, but I still resent it in a way.

The thought of being with a man long-term just seems so far-off to me. It could have a lot to do with my view of the Gay LA culture where the grass is always greener and men cheat on one another as much as they go to the gym.

I know having a negative attitude doesnt work. I know things like a stressful, unfulfilling job dont work either.

Bottom line is this: All my life ive been a perfectionist, setting really high goals for myself. I feel as though in the last few years I havent gone as far as I'd have liked. I dont feel rich emotionally, financially, or otherwise.

I have contemplated moving back upstate. Jobs in my college-town are so hard to come by though, and i definitely dont want to go back in time by moving there

Thanks again everyone.

 

[helgaleena]

I hope you get some basic support from being in your home town situation, even if they don't know you are gay. Our sexual pref is only a part of who we are, and it will help to get yourself settled or decide to move to a new place for purely practical reasons. Love will find you no matter where you decide to live, once you are situated in comfort.

 

[nudeyorker]

Bottom line is this: All my life ive been a perfectionist, setting really high goals for myself. I feel as though in the last few years I havent gone as far as I'd have liked. I dont feel rich emotionally, financially, or otherwise.

I've been a perfectionist my whole life too. I also set my long term goals high; in terms of the race to get there-- sometimes I was ahead of the pack and sometimes I fell short... but that's part of the joy of being a perfectionist because you and only you are in control of your life. It takes a long time to become a person.... oh well read my signature and best of luck with everything. You really don't need luck because you will get there; however be prepared for a fun but bumpy ride!
Me ke aloha!

 

[HungThickProf]

So here it goes:

Pretty unhappy with my life. Not like i'll harm myself in any way, but ive been going through a phase of depression following my move back home. I just moved down from Central Cali where i actually had a couple of close, gay friends.

Now that im back home where i went to Community College, im hanging out with all the same people who didnt know anything about me back in the day.

i am right back in the closet, but this time with consequence. This time around, ive already admit to myself i am gay, i just havent admit to any of my old friends. that's eating away at me.

dating in Los Angeles: that's eating away at me. I'm not part of the whole scene and am not opposed to being in it, I just dont have those kind of friends. "The scene" in Los Angeles is about how beautiful you are (stereotype, but for a reason), and while i may not lacking in that department either, im anything but satisfied.

actually, sometimes i feel as though sex is a form of self-validation and its not healthy to seek that kind of attention or feeling.

Given all that, I tried to be a good boy and date a nice man. I thought he was nice, until after our 5th date, he texts me (yes, texts):

"I cant give you what I want. And I think I am in love with someone else. Madly in Love. Im sorry."

So that was pretty cool.
Sometimes i feel as though im made to be alone, and its because ive forgotten what it feels like to be in love or love someone intimately.

Dont get me wrong. I get laid A LOT. Or shall i say "lay" a lot. I am ALWAYS safe and mostly do foreplay unless im actually dating/seeing a guy, but there are times I think im addicted to sex. At times i think having a long-term, strong relationship with a man is impossible.

So before i go to therapy (because thats what i really need), just wanted to see if there was ANY advice out there anyone can give. Even if it's just one suggestion that might help me with this turmoil.

Ive heard people say "youll come out when your ready and things will get better," but give me the real deal. Tell me how it is.

thanks in advance LPSG community

You seem like a really sweet and genuine guy, so I'll be genuine and straight-up with you. You've already done some personal acceptance while you were away, and that shouldn't change for anything. You didn't go back in the closet when you moved back, you're just around those who don't know a strong part of you. I've always believed that your friends are the family that you get to choose. And if you can't be honest with them, who can you be honest with? They're either going to accept you or they're not. And if they can't accept you for being honest with them about something that doesn't affect them whatsoever, do you really want them in your life?

I have a best friend who is a perfectionist, and she's learning slowly that perfection does not exist. I learned at the young age, playing the violin and competing against my friends and acquaintances in youth orchestras and competitions, that there will always be someone stronger, faster, and smarter. The only thing you can do is the best that you can and take no shame in that. I'll say it another way- as long as you gave it your all, you should be proud of what you've accomplished. At the age of 26, I can say that I'm not exactly happy with a lot of the choices that I made in the past, but I don't regret them because I learned a great deal, and they've made me into the man I am today. I like this man. And you should like you as well. You don't need a therapist, you just need to give yourself the same courtesy that you would give anyone else. If you're not hard on others, don't be hard on yourself. And if you are hard on others, ease up on yourself and the rest will follow.

I agree with previous posters like Sklar, Nudeyorker, and ColoradoGuy- there's nothing wrong with venturing in other directions, living life, and expanding your circle of friends. With that being said, I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes, we have to face certain demons that we thought we'd never have to face or we've been avoiding, and now it's time to deal with them.

You're going to be just fine, and I wish you all the luck and happiness in the world!

Dante

 

[ColoradoGuy]

{snip}
I feel as though i still have resentment towards being gay. I dont think it was a choice and I am out to myself, but I still resent it in a way.

The thought of being with a man long-term just seems so far-off to me. It could have a lot to do with my view of the Gay LA culture where the grass is always greener and men cheat on one another as much as they go to the gym.
{snip}

Two other thoughts I wanted to share with you, fatddyslam.

First, I'm sure no one would choose to be gay if they knew that by doing so, they would be subjecting themselves to intolerance, bigotry, and discrimination on a regular basis. So, you're probably not alone there. In the US, I think the majority of Americans have finally come around to the thinking that sexual identity is not a choice. How far those same people will go in extending basic civil rights to gays and lesbians is another issue.

Second, don't assume that the lack of sexual fidelity in relationships is limited to LA or unique to the gay community; it's prevalent in the 'straight' world, too. We're all sexual creatures and this concept of monogamous pairing for life is difficult for some (not all) folks to adhere to, even if they do agree to it in principle by subscribing to the mores of marriage and family.

 

[fatddyslam]

ColoradoGuy: i agree with you that sexual fidelity in relationships is a widespread issue. However, I do think the LA gay culture/community lends itself to different standards. Lack of sexual fidelity is not seen as taboo and in some cases, commonplace. To me its wrong, but ive never had a relationship last me longer than 2 years (in which i was completely monogamous).

As for my resentment towards gay: A lot of it has to do with the way i was socialized. Both my parents immigrated from Iran, pre-revolution. To this day, both parents (especially my mother) have what i call an "old school" mentality.

What i mean is this: To my mother, homosexuality is a choice. It's a choice made consciously by disgusting people who wish to live an alternative lifestyle (her opinion, obviously not mine).

Get this: During the elections, my mother didnt lecture me on my choice for present [since i associate with Democrats and my family does not], but instead i was told to vote NO on Prop 8.

Really? In 2011? In Southern California?

I would venture to say my mother LOATHES homosexuals. Due to her ignorance, she believes homosexuals to be disgusting and repulsive (as spoken by her).

Other than emotionally, i have no dependency to my family. I am vested in my family but not 100% vested in me. I feel like I cannot give them my support and love without being okay first, and giving them the opportunity to support and love me once all is said and done.

Cheers to you all for your amazing words.

 

[Sklar]

Sometimes the hardest thing in the world to do is to stick up for yourself. When you have to stick up for yourself to family, that makes it infinitely worse.

Only you can Decide when to stick up for yourself and until you do all you will be doing is making the problem even bigger by constantly internalizing it.

Understand, that no matter what you decide to do, that is the correct choice for you. Others might have a different opinion. But only you can do what's right for you.

sklar

 

[EdWoody]

What i mean is this: To my mother, homosexuality is a choice. It's a choice made consciously by disgusting people who wish to live an alternative lifestyle (her opinion, obviously not mine).

I would venture to say my mother LOATHES homosexuals. Due to her ignorance, she believes homosexuals to be disgusting and repulsive (as spoken by her).

I've wondered before if Fate places gay children with homophobic parents precisely to show those parents just how wrong are in their beliefs. Not that it makes it any laugh riot for the child, of course, but it does seem to happen inordinately frequently.

And it still amazes me that people who believe that stuff just don't get that their beliefs make no sense. They're internally inconsistent with themselves. If it was true that we chose, then explain why we would have done such a thing, knowing that it results in being hated and ostracized. If we did choose it, it must have been for a reason, right? We must have seen something good in it, right? So what is that reason? And if we chose, did they choose too? When, exactly? When was the point that they were faced with that choice, and could have gone equally either way, but chose heterosexuality?

It just makes me want to bang their heads against the wall to get it through to them.

Anyway, I can't tell you how to handle your relationship with your mother. But I can tell you this.

You're right, she's wrong. You know that, right?

.

 

[davidjh7]

There is very little I can add as far as real advice, but I do know from personal experience (I fought against who I was until I was 31, and wasted a very large part of my life on fear and self hatred) that until you really love and accept yourself as you are, for who you are, you are going to be stuck in neutral in your life. Ultimately, YOU have to live your life, nobody else, including your family. When I was about to come out to my mother she mae the statement that "AIDS is God's punishment for homosexuals". That hurt---alot---and closed doors between us, but I don't have to accept that as truth. Ultimately, if you let other peoples opinions of you set your personal self worth, you are always going to bee unhappy. You don't have to accept or bee happy with the way other people think or act, including the superficial community you are in now, but you DO HAVE TO ACCEPT YOURSELF! As far as looking for something real, and decent relationships, it is tough everywhere, BUT--there are good decent people EVERYWHERE, too---even in the "beautiful people" culture of LA. Once you have embraced yourself, you will be more naturally be drawn to other stable people, and they to you. When people are real to themselves and each other, you find that you start moving away from superficial people, and superficial attitudes. Therapy may help you learn to accept yourself and embrace yourself, but only if you are willing to try and let go of old baggage and make a life for yourself NOW. I wish you the best, and if you want to talk, please feel free to message me. Take care!