I need straight up advice

[fatddyslam]

I've wondered before if Fate places gay children with homophobic parents precisely to show those parents just how wrong are in their beliefs. Not that it makes it any laugh riot for the child, of course, but it does seem to happen inordinately frequently.

And it still amazes me that people who believe that stuff just don't get that their beliefs make no sense. They're internally inconsistent with themselves. If it was true that we chose, then explain why we would have done such a thing, knowing that it results in being hated and ostracized. If we did choose it, it must have been for a reason, right? We must have seen something good in it, right? So what is that reason? And if we chose, did they choose too? When, exactly? When was the point that they were faced with that choice, and could have gone equally either way, but chose heterosexuality?

It just makes me want to bang their heads against the wall to get it through to them.

Anyway, I can't tell you how to handle your relationship with your mother. But I can tell you this.

You're right, she's wrong. You know that, right?

.

i have to say, i have thought the same thing multiple times regarding gay children and homophobic parents.

as far as my mother and my relationship, she is absolutely wrong and i know that. i just cant believe the hate and intolerance. i dont know where it comes from.

Anyway just wanted to thank everyone for a response. I am getting more and more comfortable with myself every day. i think its almost time to start coming out to some key people.

 

[2peepsin1]

okay I tied to read the other comments and some hit on what I would suggest. The old friends are not friends if you have to hide being gay. NOW that said as a Bi Married man I never tell anyone that I am bi. Unless I plan on asking them to have sex with me it is a need to know thing anyway. AND in this day and age EVERYONE knows at least one gay person....can I get an amen.
I will tell you that your new old friends may know you are gay. It goes back to say they aren't your friends if they walk when you tell them . I know a stiff conservative that you would never want to tell. That person knew another agent in our office was gay and intro'd him to another gay man that he knew and had done business with in real estate. They have been together for 18 yrs now and the conservative straight person has them to dinners etc. So the moral of the story. THey may shrug and help you find someone. And there may be another in the group that is gay or has a gay relative. You are blocking them out of your life as much as anything. Let the chips fall where they may. BE HAPPY !

As far as family. You will be tied to the emotionally to some degree but you hit the nail on the head. As a pastor once told me, a relationship is a two way street. One person can not pull the load alone. At a point you have to let that go. This was also in relation to mother. I like to use the drowning metaphor. If I swim out to help you when you are drowning you better be cooperative or I will swim away. That is how you look at family. You were not put on this earth to live life to satisfy others opinions. If you do you are letting them pull you under water. Swim to shore and don't look back.

 

[earllogjam]

You sound very unhappy in LA. Very.

Sometimes it's just easier to find yourself and the group of people you enjoy outside the culture you are living in, somewhere other than West Hollywood. Maybe you just don't fit into the gay ghetto culture or particularly care for all that queer drama or games- many guys don't, like me.

I am assuming you moved back with your family in LA because you couldn't make it financially on your own. I would suggest you find yourself a place you feel comfortable in and can develop strong friendships and work towards moving out of LA when you can.

Some places are just spiritually diseased and it pervades the entire community and the way people treat each other. It's hard to grow and find happiness in such places.

 

[fatddyslam]

You sound very unhappy in LA. Very.

Sometimes it's just easier to find yourself and the group of people you enjoy outside the culture you are living in, somewhere other than West Hollywood. Maybe you just don't fit into the gay ghetto culture or particularly care for all that queer drama or games- many guys don't, like me.

I am assuming you moved back with your family in LA because you couldn't make it financially on your own. I would suggest you find yourself a place you feel comfortable in and can develop strong friendships and work towards moving out of LA when you can.

Some places are just spiritually diseased and it pervades the entire community and the way people treat each other. It's hard to grow and find happiness in such places.

Earlog: Funny thing is, i do not live in Weho nor do i really hang out there. A lot to do with the fact that i dont have any gay friends down here. Ive gone out in the "gay ghetto" just to have a good time and get drunk (and be safe), and i dont think twice about it. as far as meeting guys, my only outlet is trying to meet guys online on either date or hook up sites.

problem is weeding through guys online is ridiculous.

Anyway, I'm back home so I can pay off my loans and get a head-start on a house downpayment or savings. I can afford to live on my own and plan to do so soon. I've only been back home for 10 months.

As for the friends I keep: I take pride in the group of friends i have. My social network doesn't encompass a so-called "gay ghetto." I do feel like i finally owe my friends the truth. I love my friends and they will support me, so it's more an internal battle i have to overcome.

 

[D_Rufus_D_Dufus]

Well if you ever wanna get a bite to eat or just wanna vent and grab some coffee let me know..

 

[earllogjam]

As for the friends I keep: I take pride in the group of friends i have. My social network doesn't encompass a so-called "gay ghetto." I do feel like i finally owe my friends the truth. I love my friends and they will support me, so it's more an internal battle i have to overcome.

My advice is to tell them sooner than later. Living in limbo and a lie is bad for your mental health and how you feel about yourself. It's about setting things right. Living honestly.

All it takes is a moment of courage when you are with one of your friends. After the first the rest get progressively easier.

It's hard, I know. We've all been through it, but it feels soooooo much better after you've done it.

Set a time and place to tell one of your friends - then just do it. Or another way is to simply write a letter and mail it.

Best of luck to you fatdd. Let us know how it all turned out. Big bear hug to you. - And remember you're not alone or the only one who's had to do this.

 

[kayman]

Wow. If i could, i'd hit the "like" button at the bottom of each one of your replies.

maybe i was being a bit dramatic about the therapist thing, but i really feel like i needed to reach out in any way. i know people do not judge in these threads and it's refreshing to see.

A little more light to be shed: I am not so much afraid of my friends intolerance of my sexuality. I have a very good group of friends that would definitely support me but most of my fear is within. I feel as though i still have resentment towards being gay. I dont think it was a choice and I am out to myself, but I still resent it in a way.

The thought of being with a man long-term just seems so far-off to me. It could have a lot to do with my view of the Gay LA culture where the grass is always greener and men cheat on one another as much as they go to the gym.

I know having a negative attitude doesnt work. I know things like a stressful, unfulfilling job dont work either.

Bottom line is this: All my life ive been a perfectionist, setting really high goals for myself. I feel as though in the last few years I havent gone as far as I'd have liked. I dont feel rich emotionally, financially, or otherwise.

I have contemplated moving back upstate. Jobs in my college-town are so hard to come by though, and i definitely dont want to go back in time by moving there

Thanks again everyone.

I'm a perfectionist myself, but learned that being obsessed with it isn't healthy. You have to realize that things won't always end up the way you intended to because life is unexpected.

On the living situation tip: It sounds like to me you move to a city like Denver, Charlotte, Orlando, Portland, or Seattle. All of those places are pretty LGBT-friendly, but the culture and vibe of such places are much more calmer than LA (or SF Bay Area, Atlanta, or DC, which are also very much LGBT but fast-paced cities). You're resent is internal and will come with time and maybe some therapy. You gotta be at peace with yourself if you want to maintain a healthy committed relationship with anyone (regardless of gender).