I need your help or advice with my sexual desire towards my straight best friend

[HungBtmVegas]

I've been having a hard time dealing with these issues for some time now, I can't get rid of these sexual urges.
So I'm a depressed Thai femme gay with not much friends at all, but a year ago I met this white straight man from the States (Italian descent). He's ultimately my type and the opposite of me in every aspect. He's super tall, has light colored hair, gorgeous green eyes with a yellow hue, friendly, and open; unlike me who's super shy (maybe that's why I don't have many friends and it makes me super lonely). So over the past year we've had a good time together, spent moments doing friendly activities, and considered each other best friends. However, the party has come to an end cuz he's moving back to the United States on this April 15, and it breaks my heart. I'm at the stage of life where I don't have much friends, especially close or best ones, and going out seeking new one who clicks with me is hard (yes, I've tried before, but most are tourists who stay in Phuket for like a week or two).

We've never had sexual things at all cuz he's straight, but I've accidentally seen his penis and naked twice in the past few months. It left footprints on my brain and I've been having dreams about doing sexual intercourse with him. I can't let those feelings away at all, I did a grindr hookup one time (which is also one of my struggling cuz I barely got someone I liked who'd agree to do it with me since i'm femme, short, and normal looking) a day after my dream, but I felt nothing. And those urges are still present in my heart.

Last night I slept over at his place and opened up with him about this sexual desire toward him, which he's noticed for some time now but he keeps avoiding bringing this topic up cuz it makes him uncomfortable. We always open up to each other, and I told him that I needed to feel that penis and I wanted to do a blow job, but he said it's never gonna happen and I had to deal with it (for the context, I've told him before that I didn't have any romantic feelings towards him, which I genuinely do and he sees it; that's why we keep being good friends).

Since then, I've been having these weird feelings; sad cuz he's leaving, jealous of those female friends he's been hooking up with (which I'm also their friends too), hurt cuz I have a feeling with him (but I doubt about this part cuz I've been asking myself about my feelings, and I don't think of him romantically; but I might be delusional tho). Ultimately, I don't know what to do, deal with this, or how to cope. I need all of your advice, or sharing your similar stories that might help me, or anything. Please help me. Thank you in advance

Consent and harassment works across all sexual and gender spectrums. It sounds like you're sexually harassing him because you cannot manage your emotions and at this point, him leaving tomorrow sounds like the best thing for both of you.

 

[PurrBerry]

I've been having a hard time dealing with these issues for some time now, I can't get rid of these sexual urges.
So I'm a depressed Thai femme gay with not much friends at all, but a year ago I met this white straight man from the States (Italian descent). He's ultimately my type and the opposite of me in every aspect. He's super tall, has light colored hair, gorgeous green eyes with a yellow hue, friendly, and open; unlike me who's super shy (maybe that's why I don't have many friends and it makes me super lonely). So over the past year we've had a good time together, spent moments doing friendly activities, and considered each other best friends. However, the party has come to an end cuz he's moving back to the United States on this April 15, and it breaks my heart. I'm at the stage of life where I don't have much friends, especially close or best ones, and going out seeking new one who clicks with me is hard (yes, I've tried before, but most are tourists who stay in Phuket for like a week or two).

We've never had sexual things at all cuz he's straight, but I've accidentally seen his penis and naked twice in the past few months. It left footprints on my brain and I've been having dreams about doing sexual intercourse with him. I can't let those feelings away at all, I did a grindr hookup one time (which is also one of my struggling cuz I barely got someone I liked who'd agree to do it with me since i'm femme, short, and normal looking) a day after my dream, but I felt nothing. And those urges are still present in my heart.

Last night I slept over at his place and opened up with him about this sexual desire toward him, which he's noticed for some time now but he keeps avoiding bringing this topic up cuz it makes him uncomfortable. We always open up to each other, and I told him that I needed to feel that penis and I wanted to do a blow job, but he said it's never gonna happen and I had to deal with it (for the context, I've told him before that I didn't have any romantic feelings towards him, which I genuinely do and he sees it; that's why we keep being good friends).

Since then, I've been having these weird feelings; sad cuz he's leaving, jealous of those female friends he's been hooking up with (which I'm also their friends too), hurt cuz I have a feeling with him (but I doubt about this part cuz I've been asking myself about my feelings, and I don't think of him romantically; but I might be delusional tho). Ultimately, I don't know what to do, deal with this, or how to cope. I need all of your advice, or sharing your similar stories that might help me, or anything. Please help me. Thank you in advance

If you really care about his friendship I would say keep in contact and just be the best of friends you can be. Also try to get closer to the girls you said you’re friends with that he hooked up with. And lastly you’ll find someone someday that you connect to and is actually gay or bi.

 

[techpump]

Well I can pretty much guarantee your "friendship" with this fella is over. Here's my take... stick to gay guys. You define yourself as gay. Going after straight men is immature behaviour and you are setting yourself up for disappointment and possibly worse. Best of luck

I wanted to say this same thing. It stinks. No, it sucks. I'm going through this thing with a guy I write with online, never met, we stay anonymous as we met on a forum and decided to write each other outside the forum (now I think about it, that was a terrible decision on my part) and now he's kind of fantasizing about having sex with me. He has come out as fully gay, but continues to believe a woman is his soulmate. He wants a woman, he wants men, he really really wants men omg he's very into gay sex, yet he says he only wants to be with a woman. The thing about it is he's a virgin and a little over 40 now, and he's so completely confused. In the past to test him and just see what he'd say, I asked if he'd let me take his virginity. He's half of America away from me, I'm not ever going to meet this guy as far as I can see in the near future. But I wanted to know if he would say yes or no, especially since I've been trying hard to coach him into how to pursue a straight lifestyle and find love with a woman. He told me he could never do me because he wants to really do a lot with a man and I wouldn't want to do as much as he wants to do, like kiss and lots of love making, etc.. I told him yah, man I don't really want to hook up with you, but I'm asking because YOU need to know if you are gay or straight, or probably bi. He can't figure it out. One day he's writing me about a girl he saw at work and if she came back he'd ask her out, to sexting with gay men on Grindr and trading pics. So all over the place. Why am I bringing this up here in relation to torontoguy1097's post?

He continues to push if I'd actually meet him and fuck him. He's gone so far as to wonder in writing if I've talked to my wife about it, or if I would. He tells me he fantasizes about me a lot and would be willing to let me do him as his first. I can't make out with a gay man, or any man, its not in me. I've been with a transwoman escort a little over a year ago and it was fucking amazing and satisfied so many things I've always wanted. But its not making me dream about holding hands with a gay man, or any man, I'm not into men in that kind of way. Cocks are amazing and if given the chance right person and circumstance I could suck a cock again, its very fun!! But not this guy, he's my email buddy, I'm not into him in that way. Sadly though, he is kind of becoming obsessed with me I think.

Like torontoguy says, the friendship is likely over in the OP's situation. That my buddy, who I'm certain is gay or bi-leaning for men mostly, still wants me, it makes me feel like the OP's situation, while not the same, borderlines the same kind of thing: a gay man telling a straight man they want to have sex with them can be off-putting and quite frankly a deal-breaker for friendship. I had to recently tell my friend to stop using me as a potential future hook up and stop using me in his fantasies because I'm not worth his mental expenditure--he needs to be with someone like him, who wants him, and wants to be with him. I'm just a friend. The more he pushes, the less I'm liking this guy and his friendship. I was stupid to suggest sex with him I should not have done that, bad on my part. But he didn't want me either, so he said, but I come to find out later, he actually did. He probably always has wanted me. He maybe even continued talking with me because he hoped/s one day I'll turn his way. He's wasting his time hoping I think.

To the OP, I know your plight is tough and you don't want it to be like this. Hell, you might even wish you weren't his friend at all because its led to your deep feelings for him. Nothing about this is easy. But you will find a way to move on. Its probably for the best for both of you.

 

[techpump]

What needs to be mentioned is this.. let’s say .. if things were different and he was gay.. that still doesn’t automatically say that he will have sex with you.. we all have preferences as to what we like and don’t like.. some of us think as long as there’s a penis it’s all open game..

we can’t go out here suck and fuck all of our friends .. . Just tell him before he leaves that your confused and let Him know your friendship is more important…

don’t get thinking that this is a movie theme of where he gives in to your urges And lets you get what want

So true!

 

[dreamer20]

*In the past to test him and just see what he'd say, I asked if he'd let me take his virginity*...I'm not ever going to meet this guy ....But I wanted to know if he would say yes or no, especially since I've been trying hard to coach him into how to pursue a straight lifestyle and find love with a woman...

^^As you stated your situation was entirely different from the OP's. You actually offered sex to this man knowing you had no intention of doing so. That was a cruel thing to do. Leading on a mixed-up man who apparently thought he could trust and confide in you. It is no mystery as to why he fantasized about sex with you- you encouraged him. It would be best to apologize to him for stringing him along that time, say goodbye and cut ties with him. Leave him to sort out his own love life without your input.

 

[techpump]

^^As you stated your situation was entirely different from the OP's. You actually offered sex to this man knowing you had no intention of doing so. That was a cruel thing to do. Leading on a mixed-up man who apparently thought he could trust and confide in you. It is no mystery as to why he fantasized about sex with you- you encouraged him. It would be best to apologize to him for stringing him along that time, say goodbye and cut ties with him. Leave him to sort out his own love life without your input.

Yah I did apologize, it wasn't supposed to be an honest ask of him to have sex with me, really at all. We were both trying to figure out what kind of guy he's most interested in because at the time he was making moves on men, like they were touching each other in public and he was letting men chase him down and find him after making eyes at them and they traded info and stuff, but then he'd say that he would be super horny and cum and then feel like it was all not real, like him just being horny made him want to be with men and then he'd instantly say to himself "I really want a woman, touching that guy was wrong, I don't want him to lead me on, he wants me and I don't really want him." He did this for like a year with different guys, at least that's the story he told me. So I said hey man, here's this, would you do me? And he laughed about it. He said while he might be gay for men, and want to have sex with them really bad, he couldn't imagine doing it with a close male friend like I had become. But as time has passed he's become more interested in that possibility and I've made it pretty clear that I honestly don't want him, but just as a friend and that's about it. He goes on dates with a woman or two, he hopes something will come of it, it doesn't, then he's back on Grindr or Tinder or whatever chatting about sex with like-minded men. He's asked me if I have friends that would be interested in dating him; I'm several states away from him he knows this, he's desperate for someone but can't make it happen when he tries even though he apparently has several guys really wanting him now or in the very recent past. My hope is that he realizes that I'm not into him sexually, and he is totally fine still being friends, which I'm thinking he's going to probably be able to do. Unless he really is 100% gay and has been trying to convince himself he should be with a woman, when at this point I know he craves a man, if you read the language he uses, he's completely smitten and hungry for men.

Its kind of fucked up, I probably fucked it up, I gotta figure this thing out! Thanks for scolding me I need it.

 

[Merophe]

Updated here
First of all, I've been reading and taking your advice dearly, so thank you so much for your time and everything, truly appreciate that.

Last night me, him, and our friends went out to party, and we did party hard until the morning. I did Molly which was my first time doing it, but he didn't cuz he has epilepsy. However, he drank a lot alcohol, Lyrica, and cocaine. We were having such a great time, and I didn't fantasize about sex or do any sexual things towards him at all cuz I love him as an amazing friend, my best friend that I respect. After that, I went home alone, but it felt amazing! and in the morning he asked me to meet him at his place in the afternoon before he went on with his journey. We did have some last solo convo, shared our emotions and thoughts. Now he is probably already leaving Thailand, and we did say goodbye. I can feel that we are both on the same page and remain this friendship

Thank you guys again for this.
P.S. He'll traveling SEA and he'll comeback to Thailand for 2-3 days around the end of June, so this is like the not official goodbye yet

 

[jimmy0h]

I hope this doesn’t sound harsh, but if he is straight just give up now. It only ends in heartache for you. Been there, done that more times than I would care to admit.

As sad as it sounds, I’ve actively refused friendships with straight guys I am attracted to, because I know where it goes every time, without fail. And this is from someone yearning for new friendships. I just can’t do it again. The last one, I actively refused a friendship with but he kept on pushing. It went exactly where I didn’t want and has led me to a ton of pain. Not his fault at all. I fell for him knowing he’d never care for me more than as a friend. It’s better now, but it was hard.

 

[WhiteG0D]

I've been having a hard time dealing with these issues for some time now, I can't get rid of these sexual urges.
So I'm a depressed Thai femme gay with not much friends at all, but a year ago I met this white straight man from the States (Italian descent). He's ultimately my type and the opposite of me in every aspect. He's super tall, has light colored hair, gorgeous green eyes with a yellow hue, friendly, and open; unlike me who's super shy (maybe that's why I don't have many friends and it makes me super lonely). So over the past year we've had a good time together, spent moments doing friendly activities, and considered each other best friends. However, the party has come to an end cuz he's moving back to the United States on this April 15, and it breaks my heart. I'm at the stage of life where I don't have much friends, especially close or best ones, and going out seeking new one who clicks with me is hard (yes, I've tried before, but most are tourists who stay in Phuket for like a week or two).

We've never had sexual things at all cuz he's straight, but I've accidentally seen his penis and naked twice in the past few months. It left footprints on my brain and I've been having dreams about doing sexual intercourse with him. I can't let those feelings away at all, I did a grindr hookup one time (which is also one of my struggling cuz I barely got someone I liked who'd agree to do it with me since i'm femme, short, and normal looking) a day after my dream, but I felt nothing. And those urges are still present in my heart.

Last night I slept over at his place and opened up with him about this sexual desire toward him, which he's noticed for some time now but he keeps avoiding bringing this topic up cuz it makes him uncomfortable. We always open up to each other, and I told him that I needed to feel that penis and I wanted to do a blow job, but he said it's never gonna happen and I had to deal with it (for the context, I've told him before that I didn't have any romantic feelings towards him, which I genuinely do and he sees it; that's why we keep being good friends).

Since then, I've been having these weird feelings; sad cuz he's leaving, jealous of those female friends he's been hooking up with (which I'm also their friends too), hurt cuz I have a feeling with him (but I doubt about this part cuz I've been asking myself about my feelings, and I don't think of him romantically; but I might be delusional tho). Ultimately, I don't know what to do, deal with this, or how to cope. I need all of your advice, or sharing your similar stories that might help me, or anything. Please help me. Thank you in advance

Been there myself. I must add that I am currently single and ready to mingle

 

[Merophe]

Been there myself. I must add that I am currently single and ready to mingle

same here babe lol
actually I've been single my whole life, so

 

[jimmy0h]

same here babe lol
actually I've been single my whole life, so

Same.

 

[8Cylinder]

Yeah, man that's great advice. I have a situation with a female friend's son-in-law. I have always been ruthlessly drawn to that beautiful, cute, short, sexy guy. I don't see him often but each time I do I swear I can feel his affection coming right back to me. The last couple of times I have seen this ruthlessly cute 30 year old Daddy of FOUR.. the chemistry seems to get more and more overwhelming. I definitely seem to see in his eyes his appreciation for me as much as I know he detects my appreciation for him. When he approached me the other day for a handshake, I saw his eyes give me a good up and down, but to me it was more that certain look on his face that was telltale. I only wish I had a picture of that look. I don't know if he sees the same look coming from me, as I try not to stare until he's not looking. Usually, each time he and I are around each other we always pay each other compliments in a subtle way. After the handshake the other day all I could say to him was to tell him he was looking sharp, and oh was he. He returned by saying you too.. In the course of the rest of the afternoon he issued a few more compliments at random that only said he was looking at specifics about me. His subtle comments made me feel incredible to say the least. He commented on my sunglasses first, then later suddenly came out and said man, I like you style- pointing to my mustache and soul patch. All afternoon I fantasized about accidentally bumping into him in the restroom of the house, stopping briefly, wrapping both my arms gently around his narrow waist, gently pulling him close and planting a very wet, gentle kiss on his neck. I also couldn't stop thinking about quickly running my hand inside the waist of his shirt, rubbing his fuzzy belly (I saw his hairy stomach in a picture) while gently sticking my finger in his belly button, something I find so erotic. Then, quickly exiting the bathroom while giving him a sad look that I couldn't continue to show him my intense affection to him.

I honestly feel he is attracted to me like I am to him, but oh the disaster that would ensue if anything ever happened and were found out. His mother-in-law is a longtime friend, I love and respect his wife and the fact he's a father to four beautiful children.

Forbidden fruit.

Just go for it buddy, we've all seen and know that look. Go camping, fishing, hiking, any good excuse.

 

[Keccies]

T

I went through the exact same thing a few years ago! What I’d suggest is just pull down his trousers and slurp on that cock, maybe he lets you eat it once. I didn’t do it back then and I still regret not trying till this date. He’s moving away anyway so it’s not like you’re going to see him and it will be awkward everyday. Just suck it!

Thats rape

 

[sara shah]

T

Thats rape

Obviously you wait for approval before putting it in your mouth. 99.9% chances are he won’t stop you!

 

[jimmy0h]

Obviously you wait for approval before putting it in your mouth. 99.9% chances are he won’t stop you!

Uhh I beg to differ. Even if my straight best friend who I am enamored with tried this on ME, I’d stop him. 100%.

 

[dreamer20]

Yah I did apologize.We were to figure out what he's most interested in...he was making moves on men..<mutual> touching in public...then said to himself "I really want a woman, touching that guy was wrong... He dates a woman or two, hopes something will come of it, it doesn't, then he's back on Grindr, Tinder, whatever chatting about sex with like-minded men. He's asked me if I have friends that would be interested in dating him; I'm several states away from him he knows this, he's desperate for someone but can't make it happen...Its kind of fucked up, I gotta figure this thing out! Thanks for scolding me I need it.

I realize you regret what you did & hope you were not offended by my advice. Stop trying to sort him out. Step aside and tell him to consult a professional psychologist instead.

Thats rape

^^You're absolutely right about that.

 

[texanslant]

If it makes you feel any better, a lot of us gay guys have been in your shoes. Unfortunately there‘s not much you can do about it. If he’s not interested in guys, there’s nothing you can say or do to change that (in the same way that there’s nothing anyone can say or do to get you interested in girls.)

I agree the real question is how to cope. If he’s moving away April 15, that might be your best answer right there. If you can still be friends long-distance, then you may be able to stay in touch; but if not, you may need to say goodbye. Either way, it’ll be sad to see him go, but‘s for the best, because you need to move on.

I hope that helps. If you want to chat one-on-one, my DMs are open.

I've been in your shoes 4-5 times with straight friends, and have always hit rock bottom, because even without asking if they were interested, I knew it was unrealistic - nor did I ever cross the line.

I feel your pain because it happened so often, but eventually, being friends with these men would give me more value than trying to have sexual relations with them, and each time, I was able to recover. It never got easier, though.

In your case, if your friend said No, then you have to "go with it", cope with it, and keep trying to meet new friends or gain new distractions, to pull that focus away from them. Good luck!

 

[3ofH8]

I hope this doesn’t sound harsh, but if he is straight just give up now. It only ends in heartache for you. Been there, done that more times than I would care to admit.

As sad as it sounds, I’ve actively refused friendships with straight guys I am attracted to, because I know where it goes every time, without fail. And this is from someone yearning for new friendships. I just can’t do it again. The last one, I actively refused a friendship with but he kept on pushing. It went exactly where I didn’t want and has led me to a ton of pain. Not his fault at all. I fell for him knowing he’d never care for me more than as a friend. It’s better now, but it was hard.

I find this fascinating… There was a guy who wanted to be your friend and you “actively refused a friendship”, because you were attracted to him and you were worried you would catch feelings if you became friends? Yet he kept on pushing and you DID in the end become friends?

I’m curious now - did he know you were gay/attracted to him and that was the reason you were hesitant to become friendly with him? Did you communicate that with him clearly, or..?

And is he/was he aware that exactly what you were dreading happened? Do you still hang out?

 

[3ofH8]

Obviously you wait for approval before putting it in your mouth. 99.9% chances are he won’t stop you!

This is a HORRIBLE “piece of advice” and is actually a suggestion of sexual assault. This is never OK. Please don’t do that, ever. For your safety and the safefy of some of these men in your life.

 

[Raybo Revoy]

I've been around for a long time and I can tell you this happens to all of us and mostly multiple times over the years. Expect it and learn to deal with it. I promise you that having a real friend is way more important than some sexual fantasy coming true which usually turns out to be disappointing anyway. It doesn't even have to be a straight guy. It happens with other gay guys too. Make them uncomfortable and they will avoid you and you will regret it.
It is happening to me again now with a much younger guy. Even if he was gay, it wouldn't matter because he just doesn't look at me that way and never would. He is such a smart young guy and is so much fun to be with, I enjoy his company when I can. I do encourage him in his work and career because he doesn't seem to understand how good he but he is gaining confidence in himself and I like to think I might have helped with that. Makes me feel better than any one night stand ever did.