I read his emails

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by B_thickjohnny, Jan 3, 2010.

  1. B_thickjohnny

    B_thickjohnny New Member

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    BF and I have been together for 3 years and there's never been any reason for me to wonder about him straying. I on the other hand always go online to look at whats happening and chatting with a guy or two. But I've never met anyone for sex. (that's the preview)

    Today, he went to the grocery and I was doing some stuff getting ready for work tomorrow. I walked into our little office and his gmail was open - so I took the liberty of looking at the in box. I found a several emails from two different guys. All of BF's emails were signed XOXO. He commented about it being good to see them, he hopes to see them again sometime "for coffee or so" and one he said he hoped to see in the US (we're in Prague, CZ).

    I deliberately left one of them open and when he came home he saw it and accused me of invading his privacy. (What you don't know is that he actually looked over my shoulder a couple of years ago and saw me log onto my hotmail account and proceeded to read all of my emails. There was a big blow up then too.)

    He claimed today that it was innocent and that these were only friends, nothing more. I'm not so sure and don't know quite how to proceed. One friend says dump his ass because she's never trusted him and think he's here for the money aspect (he's 24, still in school and does not really contribute to the household etc). If he was to admit to playing around he'd be on the street. That means paying rent, buying furniture, etc, etc.

    What do you guys think? I'm leaning toward dumping him and letting him realize what life is really about - working, paying bills - making ends meet! Your opinions are appreciated!
     
  2. Twistbarbie

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    oh wow. It could be nothing it could be something. It's incredibly tough. Are you prepared to dump him based on what you found?

    Would he be prepared to have you tag along next time he meets them? If there's nothing going on there shouldn't be a problem with it. You should be able to gauge any vibe between them.

    Honestly I wouldnt like anyone reading my emails but I would be tempted to read someone elses. At least I'm honest in my hypocracy.
     
  3. iluvbigheads

    iluvbigheads New Member

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    People who have nothing to hide will usually be forthcoming with e-mails or information in general like "oh babe, I was talking to some American, want to see his profile" or maintain a degree of transparency. Sounds like he might be using a privacy invasion argument to avoid detection. Might be to time to consider administering polygraph examinations once per year :) You got a wolf in the henhouse.

    and 24? I am not much older at 28 and if I remember correctly, it took less then 30 seconds for me to get a guy's cock in my mouth at 24 years old.
     
  4. B_Nick8

    B_Nick8 New Member

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    Personally, I think you're making far too much of this. But it sounds like you've got other issues and resentments as well.

    If you don't have trust, you don't have much of a relationship. I think it's time you seriously re-evaluate.
     
  5. D_Anton_Pavlovich_Jerkhov

    D_Anton_Pavlovich_Jerkhov Account Disabled

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    I think I'd dump him as well. Actually, I don't much like the idea of dumping, but I am ok with breaking up.

    The signals are almost clear that the relationship is doomed, but what do I know?

    Does he entirely depend on you? In this case, you obviously have to give him some time until he can stand on his own. Otherwise, he could potentially retaliate.

    It is a difficult situation. You have to proceed with care and in baby steps. If you are in doubt, you could even consult with an attorney.

    Let him free first and then re-arrange your life without him. Enjoy your independence.
     
  6. BIGDP

    BIGDP Member

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    If you want to dump him, then dump him, but I wouldn't make it about the e-mails or about teaching him a life lesson. It sounds like he doesn't mean that much to you anymore, and if it's not working for you, then why perpetuate it?

    I would also make it a point not to read other people's e-mails. Have I done it before? Yes. Did I see something on BF's e-mail I would rather not have seen? Yes. How did I deal with it? The e-mail wasn't devastating, but I made a deliberate decision that I would not read BF's or any other people's e-mails. If my BFs e-mail is up on one of the computers we share, I close it and log myself in. Being an LPSG member, I'm sure I have some e-mails that he would rather not see, either.

    Anyway, that's my two cents, and I wish you the best!
     
  7. B_mitchymo

    B_mitchymo New Member

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    Spot on!

    your personal behaviour is not everybody's, this is just paranoia inducing
     
  8. invisibleman

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    Sounds like trouble for the both of you. It sounds like you want to leave anyway. So you should leave.

    You weren't good for him anyway. If you really wanted him contributing to the household and pay some bills...you could've helped him with getting a job (or JOBS) and asked for some money to help pay the bills. Or you should've met a man who was making money and had himself together in the first place.

    You knew he was a college student and not working. You used each other for whatever and now you are unhappy and using each other's invasion of e-mails and what you've discovered...as excuses for an easy out.







     
  9. MaxFactor

    MaxFactor New Member

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    Lots of fish in the sea my friend.He sounds like he is looking for something on the side.Be cautious!
     
  10. novice_btm

    Staff Member Moderator Gold Member

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    I agree with this, and it doesn't sound like either of you trust the other. Relationships can be difficult enough, without the added elements of suspicion and distrust added to the mix.

    I'm with this as well.


    A relationship should be a mutual experience. This just doesn't sound like it's the case. Beyond the mutual trust issues, it also sounds like you have a bit of resentment about the financial situation. This isn't healthy either. While it may have some wonderful things going for it, this relationship also sounds like it has some major things going against it as well. As Nick8 suggested, it sounds like it's time for some serious soul-searching about how to proceed.
     
  11. sexplease

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    Nothing wrong with your relationship except that you are lumping issues together.
    It is not easy solving one issue when other smaller -albeit important issues are thrown together.

    Discuss one issue at a time. And do this when you are both calm.
    Take turns listening to eachother, without interrupting, to how your partner FEELS.
    (none of this: You this... or, you that....)

    People in relationships often have a bad habit of feeling dissatisfied with one thing and letting their feelings about that issue boil onto other issues.
    That is a mess that needs untangling first.

    So, talk about ONE thing at a time.

    1. he left his Gmail open.
    so?
    why?

    2. You snooped.
    you both have you own feelings about privacy?
    respect his.
    why?
    because you felt that when he looked over your shoulder some time ago this caused a "big blow up."

    3. You say he does not contribute?
    and, AND, You say he is in school. Is he not busy with studies? I am quite sure he contributes in some ways. Acknowledge them. He'll feel appreciated for what he can do.
    This was not an issue before, so now holding this over his head as an eviction threat is in bad form. It will make him feel like he is walking on egg-shells in the home you TWO SHARE. This is not really the issue, but you've allowed your feelings of the main issue -trust- to permeate other aspects of your involvement. Twisting other feelings of other issues in, makes a huge mess to deal with.
    You feel he might contribute in another way or more ways? in what way would you feel?
    Be fair. a rose can only smell like a rose.

    Talk about your feelings.
    Listen to his feelings.
    Discuss one thing at a time.

    Talking about how you feel opens non-threatening conversation.
    for example: I feel reading your open emails is an invasion of (my or your) privacy.
    I am sorry.
    (and please: accept an apology when it is offered. It is an acknowledgment of the other persons feelings and leads to more apologies (when offered) in the future.)

    starting a conversation with "You" puts people on the defensive.
    for example: You do this, or You don't that...
    this will get nothing accomplished.

    We can best describe our own feelings and no one else's.

    and most importantly, I feel, cherish your friends. He is one of them.
     
  12. SpoiledPrincess

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    If he'd been up to no good you can be pretty certain it would have been mentioned in his emails, people like to go into details to keep it hot in between times.

    He's right, you invaded his privacy, people, even people in partnerships, deserve a bit of privacy. Not all your friends have to be shared friends, you don't have the right to ask to see their letters/emails unless you really have good reason to be suspicious.
     
  13. Principessa

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    Not at all, he is not making too much of this! :mad: I have only ever signed xoxo on a card, letter, or e-mail to my parents or a guy I was dating. I NEVER sign xoxo to a man I am not intimately involved. When I was much younger I would sign birthday or Christmas cards to friends of either sex Luv, Principessa. In my mind back then Luv was not as strong, or serious as LOVE. :rolleyes: :lmao: Like I said I was young then. I stopped signing stuff Luv, in my 20's.


    Of course he does, their 'relationship' has been built on shifting sands.


    [/QUOTE] If you don't have trust, you don't have much of a relationship. I think it's time you seriously re-evaluate. [/QUOTE] IMO If you don't have trust you don't have a relationship. I couldn't have sex with someone I didn't trust and I damn sure wouldn't live with them. Honesty is another key component to any successful relationship and that is clearly lacking on both sides.
    No trust + No honesty = No relationship
    If you're married and you don't have trust and/or honesty then you need to get a divorce.

    I would NEVER snoop in my significant others e-mails because I don't want him snooping in mine. That's not because I am hiding anything it's just how I have always been. I also don't check a guys cell for texts or calls to or from other women. In the days before e-mail and texting I didn't open my boyfriends snail mail either. Maybe I am too trusting or naive, but I treat people the way I want and expect to be treated.


     
  14. B_Nick8

    B_Nick8 New Member

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    ^^Wow. No one can deconstruct a 4 line post like you can.^^ :rolleyes:
     
  15. rbkwp

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    I agree with Invis on this and also think you have become pretty bitter & twisted over it all.
    as evident by your closing remarks.
    I dont think he owes' you anything..seems you both got something out of the relationship up to now...if this excuse does not break you guys up i am sure another will come along soon after.
    enz
    -and if you dump' him as you say..consider this
    -thats NOT a nice thing to do ..or way to go about in ending a 3 year relationship..over a few emails signed with a XOXO
    you are happy to listen to your friends advice?
    I think he may be better off out of your clutches myself.
    NO support from me on this

    One friend says dump his ass because she's never trusted him and think he's here for the money aspect (he's 24, still in school and does not really contribute to the household etc). If he was to admit to playing around he'd be on the street. That means paying rent, buying furniture, etc, etc.

    What do you guys think? I'm leaning toward dumping him and letting him realize what life is really about - working, paying bills - making ends meet! Your opinions are appreciated!
     
  16. SpoiledPrincess

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    I put xxxx on all my cards, and on most of my emails, even the private messages on here.
     
  17. TBoneSteak

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    Awww, I never got "xxxx"

    *sulks in corner*
     
  18. Principessa

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    When you are in a relationship and you read someone elses texts, e-mails, mail, faxes etc. You are looking for dirt. If you can't handle the dirt that you have no business looking.

    It has also been my experience that the person who mistrusts the most, has dirt of their own to hide. They are looking and suspiscious because they know they are guilty themselves. :yup:

    As for dumping him out in the street thats on you; but he is a college student. You knew that before right? You knew going in that you were the sugar daddy. When I was in college I worked 3 part-time jobs and lived in the dorms. Those were thin times. Does he have family? :confused:

    (What you don't know is that he actually looked over my shoulder a couple of years ago and saw me log onto my hotmail account and proceeded to read all of my emails. There was a big blow up then too.)[/QUOTE] :rolleyes: This is starting to sound more and more like one of those dramcidal relationships. You both thrive on the excitement, the adrenaline rush. Some people sky dive or bungee jump; other just like to start shit. :rolleyes::sigh1: :irked:

    He claimed today that it was innocent and that these were only friends, nothing more. I'm not so sure and don't know quite how to proceed.
    For the love of God, Please leave the friends out of it! :mad:


    (he's 24, still in school and does not really contribute to the household etc). If he was to admit to playing around he'd be on the street. That means paying rent, buying furniture, etc, etc. What do you guys think? I'm leaning toward dumping him and letting him realize what life is really about - working, paying bills - making ends meet! Your opinions are appreciated![/QUOTE]
     
  19. MarkLondon

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    I use xxx a lot, for friends, family and e-friends. But thinking about it, rarely for a hook-up.

    Anyhoo, if xxx translates as mwah, mwah, mwah, what does xoxo mean - a french (open mouth) kiss? Seems to me youngsters use this form more often.
     
  20. D_Willieford Blabbermouth

    D_Willieford Blabbermouth Account Disabled

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    xoxo means kiss hug kiss hug...


    I'm leaning toward dumping him and letting him realize what life is really about - working, paying bills - making ends meet!

    Is that what really life is about? Now you (plural not singular) may or may not me a theist but even if you don't believe in a something thats sad to hear.

    what ever we say to do or not to do is only our oppinion what really counts is what you think. 3 years is along time.
     
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