I read his emails

[MarkLondon]

Thx Nano.

 

[Onslow]

BF and I have been together for 3 years and there's never been any reason for me to wonder about him straying. I on the other hand always go online to look at whats happening and chatting with a guy or two. But I've never met anyone for sex. (that's the preview) although you have gone to the baths when he was away and wanked with othere men::: http://www.lpsg.org/2504639-post1.html
in that one the man actually turned and slid onto your penis.
Today, he went to the grocery and I was doing some stuff getting ready for work tomorrow. I walked into our little office and his gmail was open - so I took the liberty of looking at the in box. I found a several emails from two different guys. All of BF's emails were signed XOXO. He commented about it being good to see them, he hopes to see them again sometime "for coffee or so" and one he said he hoped to see in the US (we're in Prague, CZ). 2 things happened here. You went snooping and he had left his g-mail open. He may have intentionally left it open to see what you'd do however the real mistake was you opening the e-mails. They are none of your business.

I deliberately left one of them open and when he came home he saw it and accused me of invading his privacy. (What you don't know is that he actually looked over my shoulder a couple of years ago and saw me log onto my hotmail account and proceeded to read all of my emails. There was a big blow up then too.) You did invade his privacy. I am skanky at times but I don't go around reading peoples private thoughts. When I was with Ray, my long ago ex- he was on some of the same boards as me and I placed his name on ignore when it was a site feature to avoid reading what he might be saying since that seemed like a breach of privacy. e-mails would definitely be a no. The differencee of what you did and what he did when looking over your shoulder is that you were there at the time allowing him to look and then his stuff you read without him giving permission. He may have been fine with it if you'd happened in onb him while he was reading it and read over his shoulder the way he did with you. Howevere you chose to snoop. A relationship ender.

He claimed today that it was innocent and that these were only friends, nothing more. I'm not so sure and don't know quite how to proceed. One friend says dump his ass because she's never trusted him and think he's here for the money aspect (he's 24, still in school and does not really contribute to the household etc). If he was to admit to playing around he'd be on the street. That means paying rent, buying furniture, etc, etc.

What do you guys think? I'm leaning toward dumping him and letting him realize what life is really about - working, paying bills - making ends meet! Your opinions are appreciated!

Do whatevere you want to. I looked at youur profile and past thread starting topics and see a difficult relationship. You need to ask if you love him and he has to decide if he loves you enough to keep things going. It's all up to you.

 

[pitloverfl]

Reading the emails was wrong. No doubt about it, and your guy has every right to be pissed. Whether or not he's up to something is a more hazy subject. The information you've provided really doesn't prove much, but it's marginally suspicious. Sounds like you have some major trust and resentment issues already. Maybe it's time to work through those before deciding if there's anything worthwhile in the relationship to save. If he is looking for something on the side, that would be a deal breaker for me... but then so would someone reading my emails.

 

[eyescream]

How can it be innocent if he told some of this guys that he's looking forward to seeing them "again"?

He probably is just using you for money.

I think you shouldn't have invaded his privacy but he wouldn't be so pissed off if he didn't have anything to hide. And the logout link is there for a reason.

 

[B_thickjohnny]

It's all very hard at the moment. We've been together for the last 3 years. Yes, he's a student but works part time for my company which had a very bad year and I let some people go. But he plans holidays and still spends money like there's a faucet out back. He does contribute but it's tough to say contribute when the money is ultimately coming from my pocket. That says, he does help me with work. He's incredibly well organized, keeps things in order with accountants and other vendors, watches advertising and helps with arranging meetings for me when the people I'm meeting don't speak fluent English.

After graduation, he wants to get his MBA. He was asking about schools in Miami. I thought that it was because we went to Miami two Christmas' ago and he really liked it. He's also encouraging me to consider moving back to the US (Preferably Miami) so that he can finish school and move over. One of his email friends, however, lives in Miami and in that email he said something about hoping that they can meet some time in Miami.

Truth be told, I really do care for the guy and I feel that he cares for me. But in some way, and this goes back to when we first met, he has not had many experiences. I always thought that at some point he might wonder about what else might be out there. He claims he has no gay friends and that he'd like to make a few friends. He said the emails were innocent and that the XOXO meant nothing (I don't think he really knew what it meant or how it might be interpreted by a native English speaker). He also said that he never had sex with these guys but did admit that he went to a sauna one afternoon when I was in meetings. He confessed but added nothing happened. He just wanted to relax. (What?)

Ok, there's a whole splash of thoughts. Thanks for the ears!

 

[B_Craiggers]

I think you were in the wrong for reading, and I don't think the e-mails were at all damning.

With that said, it doesn't sound like you respect or care for this person much. Why are you still together? Good sex?

 

[B_thickjohnny]

I was wrong to read the emails. I apologized for that but it happened and I know their content now. Right or wrong, it's making me cautious about everything and thinking about everything, especially the future. He lots of fun, I enjoy being with him and I think that he really genuinely cares for me but I am still having questions.

 

[D_Bob_Crotchitch]

Stop and think about this. How much of this is your fear that you are going to loose your young thing? None of us can be all that anyone requires in life. We all need outside friendships, and interests. How valuble is he to your company? From what you said, he is a pretty valuble employee. If he is really working for you, why do you consider that still to be your money when he's spending his salary? If you were hoping this would be your love relationship forever, it may or may not be. I say it goes with the territory of picking a much younger lover who has not yet seen the world.

 

[B_Craiggers]

Lemme relate a story...

A number of years ago, I dated a girl. She was just gorgeous. She was also INSANE. She used to call me at work and if she heard any female voices in the background she would flip out at me and ask what I was doing that all these women were around. She'd time my breaks and if I spent any less than the full 15 minutes talking to her on the phone she'd get on me about that.

One time, a female coworker was sitting in my cubicle doing something on my computer. My gf called on the phone, my coworker answered, and my gf lost it and accused me of cheating on her because there's no reason why anyone else should be answering my phone unless we're in a relationship or something.

She'd hide in the parking lot and watch me leave, and if I walked out with any women I'd get grilled about that too.

I'd have plans made with friends, and she'd go crazy and scream that if I loved her I'd want to spend time with her more than any friend. This was a routine ANY time I wanted to do something with friends.

Point of all this being... don't be her!! She was nuts, dude.

None of the stuff in those mails sounds particularly incriminating. I've seen incriminating e-mails before and they're just a wee bit more salacious then asking if someone wants to grab coffee or hoping to catch up with a friend when they're in town.

 

[helgaleena]

Johny, your lives are too entwined by work plus sex plus sharing your quarters to have 'just dump him' be the solution. Unless you draw some boundaries somewhere between you two, you might as well be sharing the same exoskeleton!

In light of that, saying he is living off you is like saying your gall bladder lives off you. Reading each other's mails is like reading your own, like thinking the same thoughts, and that is probably why he left them open like that. He is merely being comfortable with perceived reality. He probably would not mind if you had a 3some in Miami.

Whoever said to dump him is jealous of how close you two are. If you feel separate from him about something and this bothers one of you? Get it talked out right away. You are practically siames twins atm, blending your lives as much as you already have.

Having read all responses that is my view.

 

[rob_]

Sounds like trouble for the both of you. It sounds like you want to leave anyway. So you should leave.

I completely agree.

If you would even consider leaving him, then you must, in some way, want out. There is no sense in staying in a relationship like that, because even when you work through this problem, there will be another one not too far down the line.

 

[sexplease]

I was wrong to read the emails. I apologized for that but it happened and I know their content now. Right or wrong, it's making me cautious about everything and thinking about everything, especially the future. He lots of fun, I enjoy being with him and I think that he really genuinely cares for me but I am still having questions.

Cautious is good, just don't let it become smothering.
Caution is a self preservation mechanism - it shows you possess self-knowledge and genuinely care for this individual.

Give some time for your relationship to adjust to both you and his new boundaries. It can feel awkward at times but, the good times, smiles, laughter and love will help you both earn trust anew.
Trust is earned. and earning it takes time.

Try not to let one incident threaten to tear apart 3 years of building - that wouldn't be very cautious, but rather reckless.

 

[B_thickjohnny]

hello again. Well, everything seems to have gotten back on track but this morning I was told that he's decided that after his graduation this June he'll head to law school. That's a possible 5 years. It hit me like a ton of bricks because we were just talking about him getting a full time job somewhere since my real estate company is doing poorly in the current market. I thought it was a great idea for him to get work but that came crashing down this morning.

 

[sexplease]

If you truly love him for who you think he is, who he is and who he is becoming by knowing you, you might set your self aside, give him best wishes for what he wants to do AND have a discussion about how the "Us,We or Our" part of the relationship has needs to be addressed.
Perhaps he could wait a semester or year. Perhaps if he does, every dollar he puts into a education savings, you or your company will match. (seems like a good solution for you both)
Sometimes what is best for one, surprisingly can be best for both - even if it means your paths may one day veer away from each other, your hearts will always have involvement.

Be careful with mixing financial needs and wants vs. love and companionship.