I Really Don't Like My Family!

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Wonderboy, Aug 27, 2006.

  1. Wonderboy

    Wonderboy New Member

    Joined:
    May 1, 2006
    Messages:
    887
    Likes Received:
    3
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    High Above The Mucky Muck
    I would say hate but some people would be offended or shocked and go on a tirade about it.

    The problem is, I've never been encouraged to do anything and no one has ever took an interest eg 'how was school today' or 'what do you want to do [when you grow up]' Probably one reason I'm introverted...as well as being premature and its probably my nature...but that's not the issue.

    It really is like no one understands me, as cliche and angsty teenagerish as it may sound. The truth is, I like to be on my own, don't really like loud noise and I hate smoke. So I don't really want to go sit in a pub all night. I happen to live in a pub and so people are constantly on at me 'why don't you go in the pub' etc etc.

    I have friends, but they are 'chavs', heavily into drugs (horse tranquilizers are their latest choice) and go to some real dives with that shitty house music...I ask them to go in the pub, since its okay with them...I'd feel weird in the pub on my own and get bored easily. Still though I prefer to be on my own, reading or watching documentaries or writing etc.

    My family don't like this...I went to my grandad's the other day to show him my new dog...my nan (who isn't actually my nan...lots of half relations and no relation at all relatives in my family) said 'did you go out on Friday?' I said no. She said why not, I said I didn't feel like it. My grandad interrupted me however and said "He's a hermit. He's a hermit." Which really pissed me off.

    But the worst, in a catalogue of extreme ignorance and probably shame on the part of my family was tonight. My aunt came into my room and said why don't I go downstairs...I said I didn't feel like it and its already late her. She said come on you're good lookin...blah blah blah. Then she said 'come on, I've told all the girls in the pub about 'Big Paul'.

    I mean what the fuck! Why would anyone do that, its as if the only thing anyone is proud or accepting of me for is my fuckin penis! I really don't like them. I told my aunt, and have told her many times that I'm going to move away. She slapped my arm (she hits me a lot, so does my mum) and said 'no you're not etc'. But I really want to. It's so depressing and negative here...

    The upside is I have a job interview on Tuesday in 'the big city', or nearest big city. Plus other jobs coming my way too...as soon as I get one I'm moving away and I doubt I'd want to come back.


    I've said before that if they weren't so negative I'd be a lot happier, a lot more active etc...but they just laughed at me. Anyway this is a rant/vent I guess. Any advice/comments? Should I move out? I think I should, I hate it here.
     
  2. transformer_99

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Aug 5, 2006
    Messages:
    2,466
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    At the very least you should explore your options, but don't hate your family, we all get that by chance, what you make of your own happiness or misery is entirely up to you. That aspect of life is not instantaneous, if you think your family is hard on you, the rest of the world won't be a a day at the beach either, we all compete as best we can. Sooner or later, we all have to make our way in this world, it may be time for you to do so. As for your family, they are a support group, in some ways similar or dissimilar to any forum you are a member/visit. Best advice I have for that, don't burn a bridge there, family tends to put up with more sh*t from you than the rest of the world does/will. Compared to some you will find in your journey thru life, your relatives may not be so bad after all ?
     
  3. saminuk

    saminuk New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 25, 2006
    Messages:
    8
    Likes Received:
    0
    MY friend. I really identify where you are coming from there. I have to say, and I don't mean this critically, you are taking yourself way too seriously here. I'm saying that to help you, because you are clearly not helping yourself. Life is teaching you a lesson where your at. Your grandad saying "He's a hermit" is pretty humorous huh? But your letting that "piss you off". Your Aunt is a woman and talked about you having a big penis - that's what girls talk about down pubs anyway and she's just trying to be your mate, again your getting "mad" and saying your moving away.

    Really your trying to run away from what or who you're really looking for - YOURSELF!!! Relax and love unconditionally, including and especially yourself. I guarantee you you will start feeling better and better if you do. None of that is advice or patronising you, just a reality check. Glad to support.
     
  4. Mr. Snakey

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 9, 2006
    Messages:
    24,702
    Likes Received:
    25
    Wonderboy Hang in there Your young and bright and good looking. Your family sounds like a lot of others. You have your whole future ahead of you Yes i have been that lonely too Things will get better:smile:
     
  5. D_alex8

    D_alex8 Member

    Joined:
    Dec 15, 2005
    Messages:
    8,602
    Likes Received:
    11
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Germany
    A lot of psychologists would argue that "doing a geographical" can sometimes be a great solution, so long as it isn't simply a case of "the grass being greener elsewhere", but genuinely a case of "moving onward and upward" and escaping from forces that drain all the positive energy out of you.

    At the very least... if you have a chance to go somewhere else and try something new, then on the basis of my own view of the world, I'd say .. do so! That way, you won't look back at life with regret at some point, wishing you had 'seized the day', whereas in fact you just stayed where you were, stuck amid negative forces that dragged you down. Fine, it may not work out wherever you go to either.. but at least you'll have given it your best to find a better - or at least a different - place.

    I wouldn't turn your back on your family completely... and I say that as someone who had no communication with mine for two entire years at one point... which makes it all the harder to find a way back to mending bridges. At least stay in touch on a cursory level, taking charge of how much of yourself you decide to share with them... and not letting them keep on controlling you, as seems to be the case right now (at least from where you are sitting). I can't know exactly how things are for you, but from my viewpoint, I get on much better with my parents (and vice versa, as they have stated often enough!) now that we see each other once a year or so. It may not be "conventional" as a family relationship, but it works. Maybe you need to find an "unconventional" relationship with them that works for you too; because living in their pocket seems to be having a very negative effect on you.

    One thing: you can never stop re-inventing yourself if you have sufficient energy. If you truly hate where you are now, then find somewhere better. And find a new version of yourself that you're happier with.. still true to who you are, but with more of the qualities shining through that you think are your strong points.. if you're somewhere that people haven't known you for years, and don't have preconceived notions about who you are, then you can always pull this off. You are clearly highly articulate and contemplative, and if you can motivate yourself sufficiently, then you can easily bring those talents to bear in creating a better life for yourself. It won't always be easy, it won't always be a success, but if you place yourself in the driver's seat, then at least you'll be responsible for your actions and achievements, rather than stuck in the passenger seat of a car driven by people you don't really like right now.
     
  6. regularguy

    regularguy Member

    Joined:
    Dec 18, 2005
    Messages:
    75
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    north pole
    If you're old enough to move out and you can swing it financially without wrecking your life, and if it's REALLY what you want, then do it.

    But don't cut them off--stay in touch, keep things nice, and put up with them.

    I hated my family during my late teens and early twenties for a lot worse reasons than you're saying--I was lied to, yelled at, called names, manipulated and controlled. It was like a nightmare. I moved 900 miles away at the age of 22. But I stayed in touch, went home for holidays, etc. And now, it's been almost a decade, and the time and distance has really healed everything. We all get along pleasantly. And when times were hard recently, my family really came through for me in a lot of ways that my friends didn't.

    You only get one shot at a family--hang on to them.
     
  7. Ethyl

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 5, 2006
    Messages:
    5,476
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    495
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Philadelphia (PA, US)
    Wonderboy, I could have written this years ago when I lived at home with my family. I was viewed as an oddity by family members and not encouraged to think for myself. I loved my family but didn't like how condescending they could be with me..

    It was only when I moved out and put considerable distance between myself and them that I was able to gain some perspective. Many members of my family have changed for the better over the years, but I didn't know then that would happen. I figured they would stay the same forever.

    Maybe a new job and a change in environment is exactly what you need. In the meantime, be yourself and do not listen to others who tell you otherwise. You'll thank yourself later in life. You're young, smart, handsome and have your entire life ahead of you. Some older folks may actually resent that, but that's their problem not yours. It takes courage to acknowledge the unique individual you are in the midst of naysayers. And, unfortunately, perseverance.

    Good luck with the job hunt.
     
  8. Mr. Snakey

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 9, 2006
    Messages:
    24,702
    Likes Received:
    25
    My story too! Wow
     
  9. B_dxjnorto

    B_dxjnorto New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 22, 2006
    Messages:
    7,319
    Likes Received:
    21
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Southwest U.S.
    Hi Wonderboy,

    Just cause you're related doesn't necessarily mean you will have much in common with your family. I kinda always felt that I should have been born into a different family or a different type of family situation. It sounds like you qualify too. Probably a lot of people feel that way, especially where there is abuse of alcohol and other drugs, violence, poverty. The list could get pretty long, especially nowadays where people can find out in books and movies how others live.

    Get an education. That's the best way I can think of to modify the situation you were born in. You'll meet people who are more like you. But it takes a lot of stick-to-it-ive-ness that you may not have developed growing up since no one pays much attention to your school performance. Getting an education is also expensive, but hey, lots of people do it so I am sure you can too. Take one step at a time. It may take you much longer than someone whose family has planned for their education, but if you never give up completely, you will get your education sooner or later. In any event, the education system will keep taking your money in most cases as long as you have money to give.

    No matter where you go, don't be ashamed of your roots, but also don't be ashamed of not looking back. There are always good people to meet and get to know. You may find people who are more like family than the family you were born into. You can build a family support group of unrelated people who will then be a surrogate family for you. This is what I have done.

    Good luck.
     
  10. Fly_Frye

    Fly_Frye New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 22, 2006
    Messages:
    6
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Hm. I can't say too much to this really. I can't really tell you what to say. But I can tell you that the other users in this thread have brought up a good point. Your family regardless on how *thinks of a good word* much you dislike them.
     
  11. B_dxjnorto

    B_dxjnorto New Member

    Joined:
    Apr 22, 2006
    Messages:
    7,319
    Likes Received:
    21
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Southwest U.S.
    Glad this has happened for you MCB. Your second sentence is more true for me. My mother and father are substantially the same people who bore me a couple generations ago.

    Others may change, but don't wait on them. It's a very tall order to change someone else. You may change how you feel about them over time, but the only one you can change is yourself.
     
  12. D_Gunther Snotpole

    D_Gunther Snotpole Account Disabled

    Joined:
    Oct 3, 2005
    Messages:
    14,610
    Likes Received:
    5
    Wonderboy, it suddenly occurred to me that you might be barely out of your teens ... which I had never thought before.

    If I may ask, How old ARE you, wonderboy?

    You know, one thought I had from your initial post is that the things your family does could seem very normal and even supportive from their perspective.

    Their not taking any interest in your life in terms of your aspirations and so forth, is not good.

    But urging you to go down to the pub could be well-intentioned.

    Your grandad saying, "he's a hermit," could be just his recognition of an aspect of your nature and his belief that you should be respected for the kind of being you are.

    But who am I to say?

    Your mother's referring to Big Paul could burn you a little, but it sounds like she means well ... has some idea you might like to hear this.

    Sometimes a young person is more sensitive and has finer antennae than his family, and this is very painful ... but it's no one's fault. Really, in the last analysis, without getting condescending to them, you could have a bit of compassion for your family if, as sounds like it might be true, they're relatively average in terms of their worldviews and sense of life's possibilities.

    Of course, I'm just guessing about all this.

    Anyway, it sounds like you would do well to relocate for a time. It's a very normal thing to do, and could bring you all kinds of advantages beyond the mere distancing of a painful situation ... but don't burn bridges, man ... please don't do that.

    You may one day discover that there was/is a depth of love in the family to which all of you have been only half open. That realization might ambush you some day, gloriously. It happened to me, in a whole series of experiences, years ago. Blew me wide open.

    And the certainty I had in those moments of awakening was that, yes, the experiences were extraordinary, but the perception that an enveloping love had been there all the time was just a sudden seeing of something that is true all the time for nearly everyone. But for some reason we can't afford to have it register.

    I'm surprised this post has taken this turn. I wasn't going to say this.

    Good luck to you, wonderboy.
     
  13. Wonderboy

    Wonderboy New Member

    Joined:
    May 1, 2006
    Messages:
    887
    Likes Received:
    3
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    High Above The Mucky Muck
    Thanks, everyone, especially MB :)

    I will try and go to uni next year, once I get a job this year although if I get a journalism apprenticeship or other related opportunity I'll stick with that. Another thing I'm peed off about is I did have a university fund. Until my mum spent on herself (going out getting drunk, obviously over a long period of time).

    Anyway thanks guys, I'll relocate and stay in touch but it won't be often.
     
  14. Pecker

    Pecker Retired Moderator
    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Mar 5, 2002
    Messages:
    83,922
    Likes Received:
    34
    You don't have to like them, WB, but one day you'll realize that you do love them.

    Maybe when you have children of your own you'll realize what I mean.
     
  15. transformer_99

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Aug 5, 2006
    Messages:
    2,466
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Male
    Sometimes, in an odd way, you might look back on all of this and think of it as the mother bird pushing her baby birds out of the nest, fly or crash and burn. But try and put your best foot forawrd.
     
  16. Gisella

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Mar 18, 2006
    Messages:
    4,872
    Likes Received:
    23
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    USA
    :hug:

    You are not alone Wonderboy!

    Its just that things really sucks right now for you...family dinamics after a while gets annoying and young adults shake wings and preper to fly away, its just natural.

    People have different personalities we are all unique..its ok to be introvert and sometimes extroverts try to extrovert the introvert ...and they may want to see you having fun the way many young people do..and its natural to them and etc they may are annoying you by disturbing your peace but in their mind are just trying to help you the best way they know how...

    Its just great you are applying for jobs going to Uni...and hope you find a place of your own with friends that have same interests than yours bcause the ones you have dont. Look for things you like to do as writting and meet new people in workshops and etc.

    I know it sucks but make a plan and stick with it and move away, in peace with them.

    Kisses
     
  17. jeff black

    jeff black <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

    Joined:
    Mar 2, 2006
    Messages:
    11,866
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    14
    Location:
    CANADA
    Oh Paul (if that is what we are allowed to call you),

    I am sorry to hear that the relationship with the family is a bit strained right now. No one deserves a parent who spends the savings on alcohol.

    Surely there are Grants, and student loans you can apply for... Maybe that will help?

    My only advice on the family, is to just stick with it. I know they can be absolute shitheads, but eventually, things work themselves out. As you get older, the family will be more supportive. Let them think you are a hermit. There is nothing wrong with not going out. I go out on rare occasions... and if my parents ask why I don't go out.. I tell them I am not interested in meeting sluts and whores.:rolleyes:

    Best of luck, buddy.
     
  18. davidjh7

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 12, 2006
    Messages:
    2,714
    Likes Received:
    12
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    seattle
    Hi, Paul
    I have learned something in life---all parents mess up their kids, all kids dissapoint their parents. At least to some degree, in both cases. I'm sorry you have had this much discomfort from your own family. I've found that about your age, plus or minus a bit, is when most of us hit a crisis period with parents and adult relatives. You are your own person, and from what I have read, a complete and interesting person as well, who wants more from life than nipping 'round to the pup for a few pints with your mates, or wallowing in some drug induced escape from reality. Follow your dream the best you can, and don;t let anybody stand in your way, but your family are the ones who will be with you until death do you part. For good or bad, they are a part of us, and we, them. Be yourself, but remember, a bog part of what shaped you into the great person you are today, came from them. Remember and respect that, too.
     
  19. yhtang

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 10, 2006
    Messages:
    1,565
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    170
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    South East Asia
    You have had a lot of advice from a lot of posts. I don't think I can add anymore.

    I can, however, tell you that I felt pretty much the same way about my family (except no one talked about my size - it is nothing to shout about, really) so I upped and left home at 16 years of age. My father continued to support me (thank goodness) until I was on my own feet.

    The proverb is "A fence in between makes good neighbours" and I am now a firm subscriber to this adage. I found my relationship with my family improved after being aaway from them for a while.

    Truth be told, after some years away from them, some of my rellies are still assholes, but slightly better smelling ones... :)

    Lastly, I wish you all the best and may all events work out positively for you.
     
  20. DC_DEEP

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 13, 2005
    Messages:
    9,029
    Likes Received:
    12
    My best to you, Wonderboy.

    I was lucky, I had a great family, even in my teen years.

    My best advice for you is get away and get a job as soon as you can. The most important thing, though, is to let your family know that you will stay in touch, but ONLY ON YOUR TERMS. It's tough, but sometimes it's got to be done.

    Once you are out, you tell them what subjects you consider off-limits in conversation. If they cross those lines, end the conversation, immediately.

    Auntie: "Big Paul, now that you are out in the world, do the lasses like your big stuff?"
    You: "Auntie, I told you before: that's not appropriate. Goodbye."

    After a while, they will get the message.
     
Draft saved Draft deleted