I Really Don't Like My Family!

[Nala]

{{{{Wonderboy}}}},

Reading your posting I feel your restraints and remember mine.

I moved out my parents house when I was 18, after many years of bickering and trying to loosen the trap.
Although the first couple of years weren't the wealthiest, I would do it again if I had to.
The relationship with my family was terrible and didn't improve much during the first years I lived on my own (we all tried, but it didn't work out). They still wanted to interfere with my life, but at that point I could turn around and make my own choices which was quite a relief.
After a few years they resigned, after which a more respectable relationship started to grow.
Nowadays it might still be hard not to get trapped in old habits. But about 8 years ago I have come upon a point where I accept them for who they are; they don't really want to hurt me. We just never learned to communicate with each other in a proper way. Sure I wish it could have been another way, but it's no use crying over spilled milk.

For me getting my own life was the only way, even retrospective. I never burned any bridges, I just walked them when I could and wanted to and turned around when things would go wrong.

Even though my self-esteem was almost zero, my self-assurance on moving out and getting where I wanted to be hit the ceiling. It made me strong.

I wish you all the courage and wisdom you need.
Stand up for yourself, whether you move out or not!

Ingrid

 

[Wonderboy]

Thanks everyone, those who PM'd me as well

I have the interview tomorrow plus a brochure is coming with all the journalism and media apprenticeships in my area on Wednesday. It was okay today but I wasn't home all day, I took my dog out to my aunt's (the one who said that last night) but it was okay. It was just shocking because she's probably the relative I get on with most...I wouldn't have expected her to come out with that. I got my uncle to look over my CV/resume too so it was cool.

I'll see about uni too, check my finances and if everything's okay I'll apply for next year. Thanks again :smile:

 

[dongalong]

Wonderboy, I'll keep this brief. Move away from home!

You'll be happier, they'll be happier when they see you again and they'll be more interested in your life etc. when you phone home!

I lived through a similar experience in my early twenties! Distance does makes the heart grow fonder! Now that I live 700 miles from home I've never got on so well with my family!

 

[SurferGirlCA]

Wow, WB, I really feel for you. You've shown yourself to be a smart, insightful, intellectually curious contributor here time and time again. You offer your own opinion but also give others latitude with theirs. It's too bad your family doesn't seem to be able to appreciate who you are. :frown1:

Unfortunately, we don't get to choose our families. It's nice to think that these things will work themselves out on their own, but it's not always that simple. Human beings are complex creatures and we're all certainly fallible. It may be that your family just doesn't understand you or, who knows, maybe there's some jealousy involved if some of them are disappointed with their own lot in life and what they haven't been able to do.

However, you need to figure out what is right for you. If you feel you're being held back there, and especially if you don't feel you're getting support (from the people who are supposed to offer you unconditional love), I think maybe it is a good thing for you to strike out on your own. If nothing else, it will remove you from that environment, so you can better figure out who you are and what you want in life.

First and foremost, you need to take care of yourself, even if it means that you relocate. It's not about turning your back on them. It doesn't mean you can't return and it doesn't mean they won't be in your life. It's just about you having a chance to find your place in the world. Your family should love and support you in your efforts to do that, because they should want you to find happiness.

I'll keep a good thought for you as you work through things and move forward. :smile:

 

[B_Bette]

I hate my family, too. I don't feel guilty about it or like I "shouldn't." Truth is, they're dysfunctional as hell and the person I am today, the personal evolution, the things I have overcome and am still in the process of overcoming...it's all ME. I don't attribute much of anything GOOD about me to them. My parents possessed the maturity of 8 year olds when they married. They sucked. My dad is dead, and I don't really miss him. I miss my dog more. My mom...I mean, I love my mom, it's like just a natural thing, even if you had shitty parents, to still love them. Waddayagunnado? Such is life. Do your own thing.

I want to add something else. Many parents will control your life for however long you let them. Moving away won't quiet the mommy and daddy voices in your head, the brainwashing. You have got to take steps to separate yourself from them on the most basic levels.

 

[B_Spladle]

My mother tried to have an exorcism performed on me when I was fourteen.

Your move, Wonderboy.

 

[lennylu]

Don't worry, lots of people don't get along with their families. For instance, I moved to Australia for 6 years before coming home to face the family (that was when I was younger and braver--just 19 when I left).

Now that I'm 34 and home in the US, I can unequivocally say that I CAN'T STAND MOST OF MY FAMILY. But it's all right. At least someone cares, in their own demented, non-understanding way. Sometimes, you just have to bite down and realize that as horrible as your immediate family may be, they will always love you with a depth uncommon amongst friends and others. It's hard to see sometimes, but they do come through when you truly need them. Live away from home, make your own life and I guarantee your family will be much easier to handle.

The problem I am facing now that I'm in my comfy 30s is my inability to make any friends I can call my own--and the feeling of isolation is getting to me...but that's another story....

Good luck!

 

[JustAsking]

My mother tried to have an exorcism performed on me when I was fourteen.

Your move, Wonderboy.

I hate it when that happens.

 

[B_Spladle]

I hate it when that happens.

What else is unfortunate is when your mother goes down on a guy in front of you after getting drunk when you're seven.

 

[JustAsking]

Wonderboy,
There has been some outstanding advice here. I can only add that at your age it is very normal to have a strong need to be understood and to be affirmed by certain important adults in our lives. Wouldn't it be great if you knew your grandfather knew a lot about you, your inner thoughts, your talents, and your dreams and could say to you convincingly that he really had a lot of respect and admiration for you. This kind of thing is priceless to us at your age.

The sad thing, though is that there is often a huge communication gap between adult relatives and their teenage children. There is so little understanding across the gap, that it can seem almost hopeless. You can't get affirmation from adults who you think have no idea about who you are right now.

So its often some other adult who ends up affirming our existence to us, such as a teacher or a coach or someone. But even that doesnt happen all the time, so some of us end up in a kind of adolescent isolation especially during those years just before leaving the nest. Being still in our artificial world of adolescence, we don't have any objective yardsticks with which we can measure our competence and our value in the world.

So let me say that your feelings of isolation are easy to understand and relate to. And also some of the things you described about your family sound like they really do suck at times. But like many people said here, a lot of that will fade as you become independent. What will happen is that you will receive affirmation from college teachers, employers, and the competencies you discover in yourself as you go through college and start a career. This kind of affirmation has a lot of value because it is coming from objective sources. Then as you bring that back to your family when you get together, you will see yourself in a new light and do will they.

The other thing that is true and was mentioned by a number of people is that you actually don't know all of what your family thinks of you. You will discover some surprising things about that later on when you are more independent and have some distance from the problem. One thing I noticed as an adult volunteer in a church youth group is that there is a kind of inertia that parents have about the develoment of their children. For some reason, they still see you as you were two years ago or so, and they don't yet realize how much breadth, depth, and maturity you have attained. I can remember times when I was about 18 and I felt that my parents had a low opinion of me, I would say in my head what I should have said out loud to my parents, "I wish you knew me like my friends knew me, then you would know what I was all about.". It was as if everyone outside my family saw me as the young adult that I was becoming but my parents seemed to have a blind spot about it.

Now that I have had children of my own, I try to remember that, but I am quite often surprised when someone tells me what they think of one of my sons. As they talk about how they admire him, I suddenly see him in a new light.

My father seemed to have no way of understanding or relating to me when I was 20 or so. I interpreted all of his silences as lack of affirmation about who I was. It almost seemed like he resented me or he was disappointed in me. Later, when I moved away, I would have conversations with him on the phone and it seemed to me that he wasn't interested in what I was saying. But coming back to family events like Thanksgiving, I would get from my uncles and aunts very detailed questions about what I was doing or what I was studying. I couldn't figure out where they were getting their detailed information about my life from until they said that my father talks about me all the time. I was totally surprised by that fact and by the fact that he had retained so much detail about anything I told him about my adventures. He never did tell me how much he respected me to my face, but I ended up knowing it anyway indirectly through my relatives. There was no dramatic reason for that other than he just really didnt know how to communicate with me at that age.

I think these experiences are very common, but that doesn't make it any less painful at the time it is happening. So don't let me suggest that its nothing and you should just "walk it off." But I would like to suggest that you will survive, you will do very well, and your relationship with your family will change and improve as you move into your next phase of life of much increased independence.

Finally, I have to say that your postings are very interesting. You are insightful, thoughtful, and extremely articulate. I think you will go far in life and make everyone in your family proud, even if you don't have all the support you need from them right now.

 

[JustAsking]

What else is unfortunate is when your mother goes down on a guy in front of you after getting drunk when you're seven.

Sorry Spladle, I didnt realize how serious you were. It was just a glib remark that is supposed to be funny when somoene mentions a very unlikely event. I hereby withdraw it.

 

[B_Spladle]

Sorry Spladle, I didnt realize how serious you were. It was just a glib remark that is supposed to be funny when somoene mentions a very unlikely event. I hereby withdraw it.

*lol*

No need for that. Those things really did happen, but I'm pretty sure I've no lasting emotional scars. Basically they are just hilarious in retrospect.

But yeah, I hate my mom. So, so much. She sucks at life.



(one time she lit a candle and then forgot about it and burned the first floor of our house down and we had to go live in a hotel for several months only she kicked me out like a week into it and I went to go live with my dad)

 

[SurferGirlCA]

What else is unfortunate is when your mother goes down on a guy in front of you after getting drunk when you're seven.

Sorta kinda proving the notion that any one can have a child, but that doesn't mean he/she will make a good parent. I think I know why you developed your sense of humor, Spladle... for survival.

Keep on keepin' on, babe.

 

[B_Spladle]

Sorta kinda proving the notion that any one can have a child, but that doesn't mean he/she will make a good parent. I think I know why you developed your sense of humor, Spladle... for survival.
Keep on keepin' on, babe.

Quit psychoanalagomizing me!

 

[SurferGirlCA]

Quit psychoanalagomizing me!

Geeez sowwy.

 

[B_Spladle]

Geeez sowwy.

As well you should be. I vote you owe me sex now.

 

[davidjh7]

As well you should be. I vote you owe me sex now.

I will say your mother did ONE thing right, at least, Chase.....
She made you!:biggrin1: (gratuitous fawning mode now off)

 

[D_Elijah_MorganWood]

I would say hate but some people would be offended or shocked and go on a tirade about it.

Not me.

The problem is, I've never been encouraged to do anything and no one has ever took an interest eg 'how was school today' or 'what do you want to do [when you grow up]' Probably one reason I'm introverted...as well as being premature and its probably my nature...but that's not the issue.

When I grew up I was shuffled from here to there, my parents were splitting and getting back together and there was a ton of chaos. Dad with is drugs and booze and my mother chasing him around. Nobody was there to watch out for me. I was thinking about it a few days ago. I was dissuaded from participating in extracurricular activities because they didn't want to give me a ride. My introversion was simply by design as we always lived in some sort of compound and I could never have anyone over due to all the craziness in my house. I was my own best friend. My father was a cruel bastard and my mother was always on his side which led to my being all alone. Nobody ever watched out for me.

It really is like no one understands me, as cliche and angsty teenagerish as it may sound. The truth is, I like to be on my own, don't really like loud noise and I hate smoke. So I don't really want to go sit in a pub all night. I happen to live in a pub and so people are constantly on at me 'why don't you go in the pub' etc etc.

There's nothing wrong with wanting a private life. Hiding and choosing to be alone are two different things. I like to lock myself in my ivory tower. Sometimes I spend too much time there. Old habits die hard. I can be social and lively and all that but I only allow a select few into my life. I'll go to some sort of fab social engagement or business and then come home to my sanctuary. At your age being a party animal is expected. My story was that I stared drinking a lot to allow me to feel comfortable in the situations you described. It ended up nearly killing me.

I have friends, but they are 'chavs', heavily into drugs (horse tranquilizers are their latest choice) and go to some real dives with that shitty house music...I ask them to go in the pub, since its okay with them...I'd feel weird in the pub on my own and get bored easily. Still though I prefer to be on my own, reading or watching documentaries or writing etc.

Do you have any likeminded friends? You sound like a serious student of life, much like I am. It's difficult for me to find people who connect. Did you meet these friends through school or are they just neighborhood blokes?

My family don't like this...I went to my grandad's the other day to show him my new dog...my nan (who isn't actually my nan...lots of half relations and no relation at all relatives in my family) said 'did you go out on Friday?' I said no. She said why not, I said I didn't feel like it. My grandad interrupted me however and said "He's a hermit. He's a hermit." Which really pissed me off.

I probably would have told him to fuck off or offered a sarcastic maybe you're right. What kind of dog did you get? I have a Greyhound and a Rotti/Shep mix. They are my best friends. Dogs are wonderful. They'll never subject you to the shit people do. They love you no matter what.

Then she said 'come on, I've told all the girls in the pub about 'Big Paul'.
I mean what the fuck! Why would anyone do that, its as if the only thing anyone is proud or accepting of me for is my fuckin penis! I really don't like them. I told my aunt, and have told her many times that I'm going to move away. She slapped my arm (she hits me a lot, so does my mum) and said 'no you're not etc'. But I really want to. It's so depressing and negative here...

I'd say "hey auntie...how would you like it if I told everyone in the pub how hot your pussy is?!" I left home before high school was over (I had just turned 18) and never looked back. They still do all the same craziness but I went off and had a fabulous life. I'm not responsible for their happiness and they sure as hell have no right to ruin mine. I suffered some poverty in the beginning. I got 2 roommates and learned to live frugally. The freedom was (and is) priceless.

The upside is I have a job interview on Tuesday in 'the big city', or nearest big city. Plus other jobs coming my way too...as soon as I get one I'm moving away and I doubt I'd want to come back.

Good luck and good riddens.

I've said before that if they weren't so negative I'd be a lot happier, a lot more active etc...but they just laughed at me. Anyway this is a rant/vent I guess. Any advice/comments? Should I move out? I think I should, I hate it here.

Well, I guess I've said it all. Move out, broaden your horizons, meet new friends...read, write, travel...broaden your mind. Your life is about to begin my friend.

 

[B_Spladle]

I will say your mother did ONE thing right, at least, Chase.....
She made you!:biggrin1: (gratuitous fawning mode now off)

I say this all the time, and I am not in the slightest bit kidding.

Still, though.

Aw, you love me!

*glomps*