I really miss the girl a lot

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Swole2112, May 3, 2011.

  1. Swole2112

    Swole2112 Member

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    I recently ended an emotional affair I was having with a woman I met through school. We only hung out for six months, but I had really come to care for this girl in that time. Her and I are both married which is why I ended things.

    We met back in November and only started off as friends. However, things quickly evolved. It wasn't very long that we established to each other that if we were single, we would be with each other. I was so diluted by what was going on, I didn't even realize what I was doing.

    We never had sex or even kissed, but when we would hang out, the only things that were missing was that which would make a good porno. We were in love with each other. No doubt.

    Our spouses knew something was going on, but didn't know what to do about it... so, they did nothing but reminded us that they loved us.

    It couldn't go anywhere because we both said that we couldn't leave our spouses for the other. In speaking with a friend of mine yesterday, she got me to see in a clearer light what I was doing and convinced me that it wasn't going to end well and that I should end it before it became worse. So, I did.

    Yesterday, I text her in the early afternoon and asked if she could meet with me. Because her and I are so well connected, she knew something was wrong and insisted that I tell her. I said that her and I couldn't continue with what we were doing and that I wanted to talk to her about it. She knew what was happening. She met with me two hours later and I repeated what I said to her, earlier. It was horrible.

    At first, she resisted... saying that one can't help who they fall in love with and that feelings don't simply go away because they are ignored. I told her that she was starting to become more important in my life than my wife and that I couldn't let that happen.

    She sat down on the ground, was silent and then cried. After a few minutes, she looked up and extended her hand to me. She simply wanted to feel my hand. I let her. I then helped her to her feet and then we hugged. For the several minutes that we hugged, I cried incredibly hard. I really loved this woman. She asked if I was sure I wanted to do this. I said that I had to. She simply replied, "I understand."

    Because I had taken my motorcycle to meet her, she asked if I would give her one more ride. I agreed. We road to a local IHOP to get something to eat. It was sort of a tradition of ours. She simply accepted my decision and wanted to get the most from the bits of time we had left.

    After we finished eating, I took her back to her car. We hugged a while longer and she asked if she would ever talk to me again. I didn't know what to say. She was being so gracious about the whole thing. All I could come up with was that there should be some space between us. She accepted it. She reminded me that if I ever needed her to not hesitate to call. I started to tear up again. She then added that she would always love me. I said the same... then we said goodbye.

    Then she was gone. I miss her so much. I love you, Kati.

    I didn't have any choice. It was either end my relationship with Kati or end my marriage. The two couldn't continue to co-exist. I imagine some who read this will tell me to toughen up or that what I was doing was despicable and I know. I didn't plan on any of it. It just seemed to... happen. What I have written here was mostly for my own therapy. Thank you to all those who read and have a kind word.
     
  2. At.your.cervix

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    It can be hard having female friends, as the love which exists within any friendship can sometimes evolve into another form, as what seems to have happened to you. If you do, honestly, love this woman Kati, in ways which surpass those feelings for your wife, you will be doing no one any favors by staying with your wife, as all three (four) of you will know where your hearts truly lay. But of course, it's not that simple. Sometimes a new potential partner draws forth all sorts of intense feelings, just because they are new--you might have experienced the same sorts of feelings with your wife early on in your courtship, which you are now sensing when you are with Kati. Take your time and get your head and heart together with all of this, perhaps with a seperation from your spouse, if need be. But if what you were experiencing with Kati was "true love" you'll always long for her in your heart, which will only slowly kill the love which you and your wife still have.
     
  3. Intrigue

    Intrigue New Member

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    Well I'm sure that you made the decision that you believe to be right. Not sure why you were so distant from your wife that these feelings for someone else arose but life happens. I'm not qualified in any way to speak for one side or the other but in this situation i find myself sympathizing for the poor wife who had to watch her husband fall in live with someone else. I think about my wife and how she would feel if i started to fall in love with someone else. It would shatter her. She's a tough woman but it would shatter her world. As it would mine if the tables were turned. I'm sorry you had to go through this but maybe you need to take a close look at your home and see what is missing and maybe make more of an effort to fix what is not quite right.

    P.s. One question for anyone. Is it possible to love another without being in love? Like this situation.
     
  4. nicenycdick

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    It is not for anyone to judge. You certainly did the best thing to preserve your marriage. We can not control the feelings we have for others, and sometimes something just "clicks". If your marriage is good and your wife gives you what you need, you were right in ending the emotional affair. You can only gauge your feelings on this over the long term, however. It may be that you met your soul mate...and your separation might remain indefinitely intolerable. This you can only know after time...a long time. If you find many years from now that what you had was not simply infatuation, you may have to re-assess. But don't think of that now. You did what you should have done...and I applaud you.
     
  5. Swole2112

    Swole2112 Member

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    She keeps trying to get in touch with me. This really hurts.
     
  6. Nevfx

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    I think you need to break all contact with her, IF your serious about staying with your wife.

    Otherwise, everyone will just keep getting hurt.
     
  7. Gecko4lif

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    Is she better than your wife? If yes leave your wife. If no then cut all contact with her and change your number.
     
  8. Intrigue

    Intrigue New Member

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    Better? I don't think its as cut and dry as that boss. He's ina marriage, not some short term relationship with no history or background. Its his wife. That sort of thing deserves respect. I'm not saying he should do anything other than to respect his vows and try to communicate with the wife he has apparently lost his connection with. But that's really just my view. I tame marriage extremely seriously. I don't think its for everyone either. Its a serious commitment on both sides.
     
  9. nicenycdick

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    I don't know how you make that assessment? Nicer smile? Prettier eyes? Bigger tits? It is very difficult to make that kind of a choice when you are in the middle of an infatuation. The best advice is to let her know that you can not continue to communicate with her. She should respect that. If she doesn't, I would be concerned about her discretion later on if you moved further with her.
     
  10. Swole2112

    Swole2112 Member

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    I think she's going through withdrawals right now, just as I am.
     
  11. Gecko4lif

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    Sometimes it is sometimes it isnt. It really depends on what the person is looking for. As for the institution of marriage it really doesnt mean what it used to, and divorce exists for a reason. Humans arent a monogamous species by genetic default which kinda muddles things when you try to make it flush with the whole hallmark card "true love" bit. In the end he is an adult and can do whatever he wants to provided he is prepared for the fallout.

    It isn't a decision to take lightly though. People tend to go crazy when confronted with loss.
     
  12. helgaleena

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    If you know anything about astrology, get her exact time and place of birth, and yours, and your wife's and look into it that way. Being studious about the situation might help you understand what's going on. She's got a spouse too, and we have not been told what sort of relationship they might have, or not have. Both you and this Kati must take charge of your own happiness and weigh up the states of your own marriages. I am sorry you could not keep it light and friendly with her and that for whatever reasons, you are not as attached to the female who is legally bound to you.

    I hope you manage to rebuild or strengthen the bond you have decided to preserve, and that your wife agrees to help. Stay strong in your decision if it is the correct one for all concerned.
     
  13. D_Tallie_Wacker

    D_Tallie_Wacker Account Disabled

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    I was in a somewhat similar situation recently, but one which didn't get nearly that far. As a result of facebook I ended up back in touch with a girl I was friendly with in high school. Not close with, just friendly, but she did also happen to be the hands down undisputed hottest girl from my high school as well that I used to have a big thing for.

    Now, I'm married to the most absolutely wonderful, super hot woman I've literally ever met. She couldn't be more perfect. Initially this girl invited us to hang out in a group with her almost fiance and some other friends, and we started to become very good friends with the group, and my wife and the girl started getting friendly too.

    For a long time the whole thing seemed very innocuous, though increasingly I was getting more and more private texts from her, instant messages etc., and I'm sure I was sending plenty of my own. Nothing bad, but just overly frequent. In a way, I felt bad for her because she didn't have close friends and had a lot of problems she needed advice on.

    We got even closer, even said we were essentially best friends. At first we joked a bit about our relationship, like what if we were single type of stuff, and acknowledged a bit of sexual tension there, but nothing either of us would ever act on.

    She broke up with her man, counseled by me through the break up, and then began dating other guys. But everytime she was around, or posting on my facebook page constantly, more and more people took notice. My guy friends began claiming the girl wanted me, which I sort of thought maybe was true but was in denial about. Then at one point she told me she had a sexual dream about me... but then admitted she actually was fantasizing and masturbating about me.

    At that point I really should've ended it, but I figured nothing bad was REALLY going on, no one was acting on anything, and fantasy was fantasy and all in good fun. I even tried to convince myself she was lying about it to be a tease, but frankly I knew she wasn't. I suppose it was flattering to to have the hottest girl from my high school, the one I had always wanted, so obviously desperate for it even if not acting on it. But even more so, we were just such good friends who genuinely loved and cared about each other now it seemed.

    Around more and more, even more people took notice until her behavior was already making my wife uncomfortable (who I know was checking my text messages), and other people began making comments to my wife about her until the whole thing finally came to a head. At one point after a vacation the girl even came over to hang out with the two of us and then regaled us with her vacation sex stories, very detailed ones, which my wife found very inappropriate she later admitted.

    My wife asked me to get rid of her, and even though nothing was actually going on I knew in my heart that things had crossed a line, where this girl was also taking up way too much of my time and attention, to the point where I wasn't even getting much done. So I told my wife I'd get rid of her, because it was the right thing to do. The way I saw it, even if nothing was going on really, even if those comments had never been made, my wife was the girl I was in love with and going to spend the rest of my life with, and there was no question about that in my mind.

    So I messaged the girl the next day, told her exactly what was up, what the problem was and that we had to back things off. She was crying and so I said I didn't know if that meant no contact when asked, wanting to soften the blow even though I knew that's the way it was going to have to be. I felt terrible about having to do it to her, and I knew I'd miss her friendship, but it had to be done.

    She messaged me a week or two later saying she was still hurting and depressed, but I was like nothing has changed, things are the way they are, and left it there.

    A month or two after that I got an instant message from her again, now talking about her wonderful boyfriend and how they wer so serious they'd probably get married (the same thing she says about almost every guy she dated after the first week). However, then she launched right into wanting to tell me she had had the most intense, amazing sex dream of her life about me the night before. She began telling me it took place at the lockers of our high school, and was clearly baiting me, wanting me to ask for the details. I just told her, well, dreams are dreams and don't really mean much (even though we used to discuss our dreams), remained stoic and didn't want to hear the story, and that nothing would change. Apparently she felt that because she had a serious boyfriend now we could all be friends again, but that door could never be re-opened and I'd never ask my wife to put herself in that situation again.

    We're still facebook friends but don't really talk on there, but can see what one another are doing, though I don't really even pay attention to her stuff anymore. Occasionally she makes a comment on my stuff, even knowing she isn't supposed to, and I just ignore it.

    The truth is, things are much better in my life having put that friendship behind me. I was immediately more productive, had more time for my wife without any irritations of this girl texting me late at night. My wife was also, funnily, strangely more horny, territorial and dominant sexually for a while, which was fun.

    It'll get better, just stick to your guns and black hole her.
     
  14. helgaleena

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    Your wife being territorial is not strange at all. :tongue: Glad you didn't take the bait with the old flame trying to start things up again. It doesn't quite add up that she would mention a new man and sexy dreams of you in the same communication. Suspicious, in fact.
     
  15. blaquehorse

    blaquehorse New Member

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    Swolle, i really do feel your pain. I mean, it isn't often one gets to read a heart-felt thread.
    Regardless of the discomfort and hurt, i think you made the right decision. Not because i don't think you should eat your cake and have it, but because of the circumstances, that is, you guys being married to others.
    I mean, what if things were the other way round? I mean, how would you or even Kati feel, if your wife/her husband was having this sort of relationship with someone else?
    I agree with what she said, that 'one can't help who they fall in love with..' but, in this case, you guys are commited to others and someone is bound to get hurt.
    If you guys had met before getting married, then you could have considered but, you've made your choice.
    You were probably meant to marry your wife. That was why you married her before meeting Kati again. In Spain they say; 'que sera sera.'
    If Kati was on this site, i'd say the same thing to her.
    Hold yourself together and concentrate on your marriage. Quit wondering what could have been. Enjoy life my friend.
     
  16. Boobalaa

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    The main unintentional/intentional effect and distraction caused by all these gadgets like twitter and stuff is that they are habit forming; Since you have then you need to use them or why would you have them in the first place?..Even when and if you don't want to communicate with someone..that doesn't stop them from wanting to communicate with you..

    As you may have guessed by now, I do not do all this stuff, but i have a brother who is also over 50 who does. he has recently separated from his wife and instead of talking on the phone they text each other incessantly!
    It's very rude and annoying to be sitting next to someone talking and then look over and realize they wern't really paying attention to you at all, but were starring at their lil gadgets the whole time..so just turn off your lil gadget for awhile or block her emails and stuff and see what happens..
     
  17. AlteredEgo

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    She is disrespecting you. I doubt she means to be disrespectful, I'm sure she misses you too. You might have to change your number if you want that distance between you and Kati so that you can fully reconnect to your wife. Perhaps you should consider renewing your wedding vows.
     
  18. D_Tallie_Wacker

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    Yes, it was very suspicious and so obvious a ploy, like saying we could all be friends again but trying to tempt me back into talking sex with her.

    That said, when a girl like that, who is soooo, soooo hot that you wanted sooo, sooo badly wants to describe in detail an intense sex dream she had about you...well, lets just say that took a LOT of will power to shut down the conversation, lol.
     
  19. CuriousFem

    CuriousFem Active Member

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    It's possible to love more than one person at the same time. It takes great strength of character to end one budding romance in order to preserve the one you already had. Some (most?) people are too greedy and short-sighted to do so. In my opinion, Model, you did the right thing.
     
  20. B_crackoff

    B_crackoff New Member

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    I feel for you. I feel for her. One of you would always break - it's not her fault, but don't respond - it won't just start things over again, they'll go to a whole new level.

    Throw yourself into other things & tire yourself out. It should get better. Throw yourself into your marriage. Look at your wife, think about what made you love her, & think about ways of making her happy.

    Things should get better. If you still feel the same way in 6 months, you certainly don't have the commitment to your wife that you should have.

    I've been in this situation, & it becomes a bloody mess. Not being in contact just drives up the emotional thermometer because it's like a death, yet you know that you have the power of resurrection.

    Just remember that that power can be transferred into your legal relationship too. Do something new with her, & give yourself the opportunity to fall in love with her again.

    It's what both you,& this other woman should do.
     
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