"I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen"

Calboner

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I recently discovered this collection, which apparently has been circulating for a while. (Here is one of the many places where you can find it.) It is purported to consist of "genuine clips from British Council flat tenants complaining to the Council about problems with their flats."
1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
3. It's the dog's mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
5. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
6. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
7. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen
12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour & not fit to drink.
16. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
17. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
18. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.
19. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
20. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
 

Calboner

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I think these are the ones that made me laugh the most:

6. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

16. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
 

Pecker

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This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

What am I supposed to do about harassing neighbors?
 

D_Tyrone_Tittickler

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These are my favorites:

13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

20. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was a bad wind the other night that blew them off.

How would I, imagining that I am a sarcastic, bitter Council employee, respond to these complaints? 13. Rent yourself a porno flick, sir, and make a date with five fingered Rosie! 14. I don't understand your consternation madame. Your children can't smell any worse now than before their bath. 20. I understand completely, sir. Vegetarian curries cause me acute distress, also.
 

Calboner

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Good idea, Dogtrainer. One can imagine possible replies to no. 7 as well:
7. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
"Dear Sir, allow me to refer you to the Web site LPSG.org. . . ."