I secretly avoid you because you remind me of how much a failure I am.

[earllogjam]

Earllogjam is this similar to my staying friends with some people from my past because they make my miserable life seem better? :redface:

Not at all. I am competitive but I don't find pleasure belittling people especially close friends.:frown1:

 

[B_Nick8]

Is this the same as I secretly avoid some peoples posts here because they make my skin crawl?

No, but that's an excellent point. :biggrin1:


I think that on the one hand it's the ultimate compliment. On the surface.

On the other, however, if your friend's self esteem is being so devalued when he is around you--through no fault of your own--you need to end the friendship. Without going into details, I can tell you this is not quite as unusual a situation as you may think.

 

[Mem]

What do you do when your once best friend says this to you?

So what did you do, what did you say?

 

[CALAMBO]

guys...i took the remark as a compliment to the OP...yet a small hint of help me thru a rough time...we are still good friends...yes we all grow away but still have a connection..the holidays bring out the best and worst of people....my advice, be supportive, cost you nothing and yet you may have the most to gain from just being there to this person...hope you can be the friend that your buddy needs...

 

[invisibleman]

My ex-best friends are all too religious to say such a thing to me. :wink:

Forgive them for they know not what they do. :biggrin1:

They will come back wanting to know how fabulous you are. And you can say to them...
"MY GOD WHO IN THE FUCK ARE YOU?!!!" and "NO, I DO NOT WANT A FUCKIN' RELIGIOUS TRACT...I WANTED MY BEST FRIEND!!!!"

 

[HazelGod]

tell him to fuck off. then follow him home and crack his head open with a shovel. once you dismember the body bury it in all corners of your city

Hilarious! Thanks for reminding the folks here not to lose their sense of humor...much appreciated.

 

[2322]

Tell the person that you value their friendship and that they are not a failure.

I told him that I loved him anyway, and that his friendship was one of the most precious gifts I'd ever received. Then I told him to go about his business and that if it included me I'd be pleased and honored.

no clue, stand boggle eyed with hurt feelings for about 5 mins. then get defensive as guilt kicked in . stammer for another 5 mins. maybe settle on letting my friend know i care no matter what, i'm in a friendship not a competition, if he needs me for anything shoulder to cry on to a kick in the ass i'm there.

I read this question to say you are great and I wish I was as great as you. I think a good friend helps them find the positive in their own life and makes them feel special too.

On the one hand, your friend is asking for some love and support, but if you give it to him, if you are generous and loving and supportive, it'll probably reinforce in his own mind that you are a better man than he is. He's put you in a really tough situation. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't.

Earl, I think I may understand how your former best friend feels. I've always admired and envied (and been attracted to) people who are creative, outgoing, resourceful, adventurous, passionate, dedicated, etc., etc. But I can't let myself enjoy the company of people like that because I always compare myself negatively to them, and end up feeling bad about myself. I know one such person, a colleague and friend, who rapidly rose through the ranks at my company (he deserves it) while I have struggled in my career. I used to try to compete with him, to close the gap between us, but he kept getting promoted and I...well, I didn't. I've long since given up on ever being as good as he is.

He's also one of the most decent human beings I know. He always has time for other people, he's a great listener, he's respectful and supportive, he sees the best in everyone around him and therefore brings out the best in everyone around him. Whenever I think about him I'm painfully aware of my flaws, and I feel like everyone else sees them, too.

If he knew how I felt, he'd be supportive and he'd try to help. In some ways that would make me feel better, in other ways it would make me feel worse. If he offered to help, I think I would thank him and then tell him that there's nothing he can do. This is my problem, not his. I need find it within myself to improve myself where I can, but also to accept my limitations. That's not something he can help me with. (Perhaps a professional therapist or counselor might be able to help me, but I have to decide that I want such help.)

I think that's probably the best thing you can do.

He may be going through some hardships in life at the moment-emotional, financial, spiritual-and it's possible he sees you as being much more successful in handling these areas in your life than he does in his own. Some would rather not bother their friends with their insecurities/problems in these areas. No one wants their friends to feel obligated to help them and they don't want their friends to feel sorry for them.

Extending a hand of friendship heals, fosters trust, and strengthens bonds.

guys...i took the remark as a compliment to the OP...yet a small hint of help me thru a rough time...we are still good friends...yes we all grow away but still have a connection..the holidays bring out the best and worst of people....my advice, be supportive, cost you nothing and yet you may have the most to gain from just being there to this person...hope you can be the friend that your buddy needs...

It's remarkable really, the effort and considered thought here. LPSG is a special place. It's the warmest spirit of Christmas I've seen all year.

It's odd, but the answers here do seem to fall into order. First, do what mem says, then do what hickboy says, then try to empathize with him as meniscus has done, realize what MickyLee says, and tell him what CUBE advises. Then you just have to do what mercurialbliss and CALAMBO have resolved. If you're sure you're not staying friends because of what NJQT asked, which is a legitimate question, though I don't think you're that sort of person.

I don't think there's anything you can do to change his attitude and particularly when he's with the current boyfriend who, I suspect, wants to see a rift between you two out of jealousy and likely reinforces your friend's insecurities about his relationship with you.

I suppose you have asked him if you have ever done anything to make him feel inequal in the relationship. Has he ever said anything about your behavior, something perhaps, you hadn't noticed? Something taken the wrong way?

I know you don't see it or believe it Earl, but you can appear to others to be a little less imperfect than everyone else and the effect can be intimidating. When you have that effect, for any reason, then you have to work to be a little more self-depricating, a little more modest, and a little more praiseful, so that you continue to be who you are.

As to what to say, I agree with the others. Let him know that there are qualities you see in him that you feel you lack, let him know you've never competed with him, let him know that you've never judged him for the things he has as you would hope he won't judge you. Then you tell him that you will always love him no matter what happens in your lives and hope that he will remember that.

Then you keep the door open. You invite him to do things, send him Christmas cards, and let him know he will always be welcome without reprobation, and you continue to do it even if there is no response. Best friendships are worth fighting for even if the battle seems lost. So long as you're certain he knows he's welcome, then you can feel a little bit better for doing everything within your power to patch things. Like with that other bridge you're building, he has to meet you half way. If they decide not to build their half, they will always see your side standing there, ready to connect and that will give them pause to reconsider their actions whenever they see or hear from you.

Regardless of what happens though, pause for a moment and consider all the responses you've received. We're just names on a webpage but each name has a living, breathing, flesh and blood person behind it wishing only the best for you. Take a moment to look out a window and imagine all us out there, some a world away, who wish you happiness in your life. You do have friends here, and I hope that will offer you some consolation.

 

[Not_Punny]

When your once-best friend says that, you get down on your knees and thank the good Lord that you have been delivered of your friend!

(sorry, Jas.... I just can't be as nice as everyone else tonight!)

 

[Phil Ayesho]

What do you do when your once best friend says this to you?

I accept it.
THis is the way of life.
Too many people fail to recognize that holding onto old friendships is often PAINFUL for those friends who are not doing as well as you.


Life stratifies us by ability, talent, opportunity and temperament.

At some point, either you are making others feel bad, or you are holding them back.

It is futile and heartbreaking to rail against this natural separation by circumstance and ability.

 

[2322]

When your once-best friend says that, you get down on your knees and thank the good Lord that you have been delivered of your friend!

(sorry, Jas.... I just can't be as nice as everyone else tonight!)

You, and others, may be very right. I tend to be naive and like to believe the best in everybody.

A lifetime of a friendship isn't something to be discarded lightly. I think it's worth fighting for and being as supportive as possible. The friend clearly has a self-esteem issue which seems to be fed by his current boyfriend. When, or if, that relationship changes it may just help the friend see the error of his supposition and wish to reconcile.

The other part of what I recommended was to give Earl himself as much peace about it as possible. It's good to know you've done everything you can to make your true feelings and position known. Doing so puts the ball in the other guy's court and should things never be resolved, at least Earl won't have any regrets about his actions in the matter. He might regret the situation, but not his own actions. Regret is a cancer best avoided.

 

[B_Nick8]

jason, never, ever be disingenuous. I'm not saying you are, but that's a piece of advice I have to continue to give you.

 

[earllogjam]

Thanks all for shedding some light here on things that have been racing in my head.

On one hand I feel obligated to keep a childhood friendship because I've had it for so long and I have always treasured it but on the other hand I know we have drifted apart and for the most part live in separate worlds, with different interests and now different friends and lovers.

Here's what I told him the other day after he told me that he was avoiding me for more than 2 years now.

I told him that he is perhaps the only person I feel truly at home with because of our long long close friendship since the 4th grade and familiarity with each other. I told him that he is perhaps the only person who really knows who I am at the core and that nothing would change that reality. I told him that I'm still the same Earl and that this material stuff really doesn't change who I am. I told him I have been luckier than most people in life. I told him he is not worthless or a failure. I told him I loved him like a brother and I told him I will know him until the day I die.

I'm not sure our day to day friendship is salvageable. I realized now that it will never be what it once was because I cannot change our trajectories in life and the inevitability of having less and less in common.

It's almost like a part of me is dying with the loss of his friendship. Like that continuity of the past and the belief that certain things in this world, good things, can be permanent and last forever. Like the one person who really understood me and knew me died.

 

[2322]

I've been struggling with what to write because anything I compose sounds trite or patronizing. With that in mind, please read the following knowing that's not my intent.

I'm so glad you faced this rift and moved to heal it. Many people would be offended by what your friend said and then write him off. You opened your heart to him and I imagine it must have been frightening to be so vulnerable when you don't know where you stand. That took courage and grace.

No matter how painful it is now, I truly believe you did the right thing. Festering wounds stand no chance to heal and your friend heard some things he needed to hear from you as you heard some things you needed to hear from him.

Another :hug: for you.

 

[Kassokilleri2ff]

Man some people on this site are ruthless. A human being has one problem and they are like "what?! that speaks volumes about that person! It means you should crucify them as if they are a retard is a culture where retarded people are offed when they are born!"

 

[Phil Ayesho]

Thanks all for shedding some light here on things that have been racing in my head.

On one hand I feel obligated to keep a childhood friendship because I've had it for so long and I have always treasured it but on the other hand I know we have drifted apart and for the most part live in separate worlds, with different interests and now different friends and lovers.

Here's what I told him the other day after he told me that he was avoiding me for more than 2 years now.

I told him that he is perhaps the only person I feel truly at home with because of our long long close friendship since the 4th grade and familiarity with each other. I told him that he is perhaps the only person who really knows who I am at the core and that nothing would change that reality. I told him that I'm still the same Earl and that this material stuff really doesn't change who I am. I told him I have been luckier than most people in life. I told him he is not worthless or a failure. I told him I loved him like a brother and I told him I will know him until the day I die.

I'm not sure our day to day friendship is salvageable. I realized now that it will never be what it once was because I cannot change our trajectories in life and the inevitability of having less and less in common.

It's almost like a part of me is dying with the loss of his friendship. Like that continuity of the past and the belief that certain things in this world, good things, can be permanent and last forever. Like the one person who really understood me and knew me died.

Good for you...
but what you are mourning losing today is something your friend has been mourning for years.

You need to discount YOUR loss and have compassion for the pain you cause.

Of course the pain you cause is unintentional.... of course its your friend who is unnecessarily CHOOSING to find your association painful...
So what?
Pain is pain.

If you could SEE with your own eyes that your being around your friend was, say , causing his skin to peel away... you would naturally avoid being around him out of concern for HIS well being, would you not?

It is EASY to be the one who is doing well... You think you haven't changed... that the material success makes no difference... but material wealth makes no difference to those who HAVE it.

It makes a huge difference to those that do not.

Understand and appreciate that this is how it has always been. IT doesn't mean you don't care for him, it doesn't mean you look down on him...

What it means is that you are able to understand that being around you is painful for him.

Birds of a feather...
You need to look for intimacy among those who share your ambition, drive and success.

That last line in "Stand By Me' is true.
"I never had any friends, later on, like the ones I had when I was 12.
Does anyone?"

 

[BIGBULL29]

Thanks all for shedding some light here on things that have been racing in my head.

On one hand I feel obligated to keep a childhood friendship because I've had it for so long and I have always treasured it but on the other hand I know we have drifted apart and for the most part live in separate worlds, with different interests and now different friends and lovers.

Here's what I told him the other day after he told me that he was avoiding me for more than 2 years now.

I told him that he is perhaps the only person I feel truly at home with because of our long long close friendship since the 4th grade and familiarity with each other. I told him that he is perhaps the only person who really knows who I am at the core and that nothing would change that reality. I told him that I'm still the same Earl and that this material stuff really doesn't change who I am. I told him I have been luckier than most people in life. I told him he is not worthless or a failure. I told him I loved him like a brother and I told him I will know him until the day I die.

I'm not sure our day to day friendship is salvageable. I realized now that it will never be what it once was because I cannot change our trajectories in life and the inevitability of having less and less in common.

It's almost like a part of me is dying with the loss of his friendship. Like that continuity of the past and the belief that certain things in this world, good things, can be permanent and last forever. Like the one person who really understood me and knew me died.

Money puts THE BIGGEST WEDGES between people. Money is the root of all evil.

People all want financial success, and when they get it, they realize that old "poorer" friends don't want bothered with them anymore.

My father lost a few friendships when he got a little more money. In fact, one of his better friends told him directly that he didn't want to be his friend anymore because this new job "changed him." But daddy never changed as some folks do when they get a little more dough. His old friend just got insanely jealous.

Hell, I know siblings who won't talk to each othe because one is rich and the other is not. Sometimes we just can't see beyond our jealously because we are consumed by it.

Remember the sentence monks used to chant over and over again in Medieval Europe: Radix malorum est cupitidas.

 

[223790]

Hell, I know siblings who won't talk to each othe because one is rich and the other is not. Sometimes we just can't see beyond our jealously because we are consumed by it.

I've gone through this with my siblings - my sister in paticular. She has squandered many opportunities in life while I have seized them. She then cries "no fair". We barely see or talk to each other anymore. The last 2 times that I have seen her, she has started on this "I'm better than you at..." kick that is quite childish for a 42 year old woman to say. I just ignore it because I know that she is insanely jealous of my success (other family members have commented on this as well). I think that it makes her feel better about the failure that she is - she has told me before that she feels that she is a "loser" (her word, not mine). There's not much I can do about it. I absolutely refuse to feel guilty for making smart decisions in life and being successful. She has been handed way more opportunities and advantages in life than I ever was. My father has confided in me that he feels his spoiling her and my older brother was the worst thing he could have ever done for them. My dad was the toughest on me out of the 3 kids, but I am the most successful of the 3. I learned at an early age to be independent, only rely on yourself, and seize on any opportunities that come your way.