I so just mind fucked myself o_!

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by PowayWolfman, Oct 7, 2006.

  1. PowayWolfman

    PowayWolfman Well-Known Member

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    ok.. a bit of back drop on me.. few years ago i started working out,, I was massively depressed/overweight/ and had no friends or direction in life.. So i started working out (went from 280 pounds to 180) I'm fairly husky buff and am currently in college.

    Now, this is were the mind fucking comes in. I still dont have allot of friends, But ALOT of people who Ive seen on a day to day basis at the gym are now talking to me a great deal. Yesterday one of the personal trainers that I've seen around the past year started asking me what kinda music I like and said "we should go to a mosh pit some time, you seem like a kewl guy to do things with" @_@ OMFG!!!! DId he just ask me out!???!!!???!

    It didn't hit me till i was in the shower after my workout that this guy would never even acknowledge me when i said hi to him in the hall way... So why all of a sudden are Men showing this 5'6 runt of a hung guy more respect, and women drooping me their digits??? Im the same fucking guy, only 100 pounds lighter! (ok so my muscles are allot bigger to)

    but still!!! Ive always been sorta a nice guy,, I mean, im not an ass or treat people badly.. I tend to keep to my own and cherish my friends even though they all kinda left me. Im just not to sure how to feel about this attention..... I know if i was to gain the wight, these people would just ignore me again,,so whats the point in allowing them into my life???

    SHIT!, im Thirty and cant make new friends,,, this isn't good :(
     
  2. Lordpendragon

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    It shouldn't be a surprise that people who hang out at gyms value the body beautiful - if you value other things more yourself, then change the environment where you meet new people.

    Enjoy yourself :smile:
     
  3. agentblueuk

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    I'de say there are two things going on. The first, as already mentioned is that these people might only be interested in your new hot body, which is probably the prime motivation for the people at the gym.
    The second thing is that if now you feel better about yourself you will be more attractive to people. The way you walk, talk, your body posture and your facial expressions all change when you feel more self confident. So maybe, some of this new positive interest is due to the latter reason
     
  4. jfrsndvs

    jfrsndvs Member

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    that's what it sounds like to me, when you were over weight that can be unattractive to a lot of people because it can show the lack of self respect, and the lack of taking care of yourself, and now that you have lost a lot of body fat and gained more muscle, you are showing to other people that you not just a fat depressed slob, and that you take the time to take care of yourself, and that you appriciate life more.

    working out is really working out in your favor in more ways than what you think, not only for your body, but for your mind as well, personally I think that it's a great thing that people are noticing you now, you have the power to choose who you want to be friends with, since you started working out, the quality of your life has improved. from what you have described, your life has improved greatly, take all the attention as a compliment.


     
  5. kurios

    kurios Member

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    With a hundred pounds off you more than likely are not the same person mentally or physically that you were.
    This change can be reflected in the aura you give off, your confidence etc.
    You may not see the difference but you may now be an easier person to approach. If you didnt give off 'I like me' vibes this is reflected in how others see you.
    Most people window shop first then get to know you.
    You can be a great person buy not attract the window shoppers which is their loss but if you attract them and they then realize you are also a nice and approachable person everyone wins.
    Let the new ones in and enjoy them for whatever they bring you.
    Hang out with the trainer and see if he is just shallow or someone that might become a friend and go from there with everyone who reaches out
     
  6. BigPoppaFury

    BigPoppaFury Member

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    I've recently started working out (8 months maybe) because I want to lose weight, primarily to become fit and healthy but also because I want to wear more than button ups that cover up the flab. I want to look in the mirror and be happy with what I see.

    From what I'm reading you don't rate yourself highly enough- years of being overweight left you with a lower self esteem than average (specially if it was in your younger years). I believe low self esteem comes when you start believing other people's shallow view of you as 'just a fat guy'. It's very easy to do at any age but if you grow up feeling that way it can leave a very lasting and stubborn stain on your confidence. Perhaps you lost the weight but you didn't lose the low self esteem.

    Try looking at this way- confidence is attractive, it's sexy. If you haven't gained much self esteem from losing weight then I'm sure one thing you have got is confidence in your looks and that is attracting people. Sure enough, a toned guy is more physically attractive than a fat guy but remember there are a lot of fat guys out there getting laid too. I got a belly, a hairy body and a bald head, supposedly things that aren't attractive- so how come I'm attractive? I like myself and I believe that other people genuinely like me too. I make the best of what I've got and it works. If you're not doing that, then start now! Once you accept yourself and assert yourself the rest becomes suprisingly easy. Good luck :smile:
     
  7. Donk

    Donk New Member

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    Wolf, I think you should RELAX and enjoy these new rewards of all your hard work. You have worked hard to make yourself healthier and more physically attractive, and if this catches people's eye and encourages them to want to get to know you better, then just take that as it comes.

    You seem concerned that the attention you are getting now is for shallow reasons. Some may be, some of it--as others have said--may be a little deeper, like people seeing a fit body as a sign of self-respect or just sensing the new self-confidence that you have. Whatever--don't overanalyze it. If people want to get to know you better (and they seem like people you might want to get to know) then let them. If you don't hit it off on something deeper than looks, then move on until you do.

    I'll share something I've observed. I started working out a few years ago in my mid-20's. I was never seriously overweight, more on the skinny side, and I'm 5'5". Now I'm pretty muscular, hovering in the 180-185 range (yeah, more of it is bodyfat than it should be, but most of it is muscle). Anyway, old friends of mine who knew me before I started working out always thought of me as "a little guy" (unless they learned about my dick!), and they're really surprised if they haven't seen me in many years how muscular I've gotten. But people I only first met after I buffed up always think of me as "that muscle guy." And, even though I'm still only 5'5", I've even had several people refer to me as "a big guy" (again, not referring to my dick!). My point is, yes, a dramatic change in your appearance can really alter how people perceive you when they meet you.
     
  8. D_Bob_Crotchitch

    D_Bob_Crotchitch New Member

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    I'd suggest to everyone that feels alone or unliked, every day tell at least 2 new people good morning, etcetera. Over time, you'll notice a huge diff in your life and how people react to you. I have found that so many people respond to friendliness and kindness. Your life may greatly change for the better.
     
  9. Sly Adey

    Sly Adey New Member

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    What's a mosh pit?
     
  10. ruffboy

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    some of the people who like you now for shallow reasons no doubt were or would have been the people who ignored you before for shallow reasons. the point being, shallow people will be around you forever, acting the way they do without regard for other people's feelings (like yourself). you can't change that, you can't control that. you CAN change and control your body, which it sounds like you've done an amazing job of doing, and you CAN change and control YOUR reactions to how people interact with you. so knowing that, you need to decide how much power you're going to let shallow and/or negative people have over you in your life.

    you sound like me though with the mind fucks, i can seriously overanalyze myself into huge spiraling pits of depression from time to time and its way hard to get yourself out of that mode. hang in there man, yer fine

    and besides, you've got a big dick, i don't even have THAT to go on! hehehe ;-)
     
  11. headbang8

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    People under-estimate how difficult it is to recover from depression, especially chronic depression. Even if the symptoms lift (and your exercise programme certainly would have helped that) one simply doesn't know what it's like to be "normal". To allow yourself pleasure and fellowship. What's innocent friendship and what's flirtation? What's the agenda behind people's actions? You learn that you can't apply depressed logic to undepressed situations. "Normalcy" is a whole new world.

    Well, I'll let you in on a secret. "Normal" people don't learn to be normal overnight. They grow into well adjusted adults over a period of years. So will you. Be patient, take everything as it comes, enjoy it (or not) as the case may be. The "mind-fuck" moments will still occur, but they'll be fewer and further between. Relax. Enjoy. Life will feel more comfortable soon.
     
  12. CUBE

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    Right on the money..soooo agree. You are a handsome man. Stop thinking about all the past stuff and enjoy things right now...it is what you have worked for pal. :) Be happy.
     
  13. transformer_99

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    Years ago, there was a fad called slam dancing, it's where you get drunk and dance around the dance floor bumping into each other randomly and violently. When the rock and roll crowd does it, it really turns into a free for all, people break bones, knocking each other down, sometimes even get into fights. It gets to a point where it looks like a hockey game and the participants body check each other.
     
  14. nineplus

    nineplus New Member

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    Wolfman;
    I was in a similar situation after losing 80lbs a couple years ago. It can definitely be strange to be approached by someone who would have ignored you before. Many of the above comments are valid. Those frequeting a gym will respect a health-conscious person and be more likely to approach. And, it's also likely that you feel better about how you look and carry a different attitude. Particularly if you were depressed, it may have been evident to others more than you realize, and that could cause you to be less approachable. In fact, probably all of the comments above are relevant to some degree.

    It may be true that you've been approached for "shallow" reasons, but it could also be something as simple as someone saw that they had something in common with you, ie your commitment to fitness, that they were unsure of previously. I wouldn't write someone off because their motive seem shallow until you have all the information to know that for sure.

    Having been thin, then fat, and thin again, I can tell you for sure that there is a difference as to how you are treated, and it's not just a "looks" thing. While that is part of it, your own attitude and personality adjustment is much more significant as to others' attitudes toward you.

    Besides, some people who seem shallow can acctually be quite deep, once you get beyond the shallowness(?) Give 'em a chance.



    If anyone can explain to me what I just said, I'd appreciate it.
     
  15. headbang8

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    PW,

    Just read your post here, and now this advice goes double! Take care of yourself.

    HB8
     
  16. MrMXYZPTLK

    MrMXYZPTLK New Member

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    unfortunately, whatever people may say. To most people, looks do matter.
     
  17. fortiesfun

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    PW: The combination of your two posts makes me venture where others might fear to go, but I have some experience with your issues. Obesity has a lot of possible causes, but those with childhood abuse issues often find it a powerful defense when they are still vulnerable. It not only makes you less attractive, but it literally insulates you from feelings that are overwhelming. And food is often a sole source of nuturing in a terrible environment, even if it is self administered, so it is not surprising when one overindulges in it.

    As you get older, and able to deal with the issues better, it is not uncommon to experience a massive weight loss only to be caught off-guard when you suddenly start feeling vulnerable again. Being seen as sexually desirable is not comfortable in a world where you have been betrayed.

    But you are not the same person you were then. You are able to defend yourself, and able to stop attacks that once happened. Your sexual desirability is not a liability if you think of it as something you can control now. It is possible to say yes or no, where once it wasn't.

    Learning to trust people is going to take a long time, most especially learning to trust yourself. You should know, however, that even being able to acknowledge your feelings, and being able to bring them to this board with the courage you have shown, is a sign that you are ready to move ahead.

    My advice is to make the friend, and put yourself out there a little more each day, and not worry so much about what he sees in you.

    I have seen only a few posts from you, but I have come to admire them already for their courage and power. I wish you the best, and hope the advice given throughout this thread tells you how many people you have pulling for you.
     
  18. B_Hickboy

    B_Hickboy New Member

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    I went from 308 to 185 myself a few years ago. then I got a metabolic disorder and gained most of it back. Now I'm somewhere in between and am losing again. I know what you're going through. Those shallow fucks who wouldn't even notice you before are now accepting you. I got ceaselessly hit on by women who wouldn't have given me the time of day before I lost weight and was more civil to them than they deserved.

    Keep working out and taking care of yourself, but you might want to try spending more time in other settings than the gym. Good luck finding new friends. You'll find out who the real ones are if you gain a significant amount of the weight back.
     
  19. dreamer20

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    Of course you can make new friends Wolfman. Just allow these persons into your life. Get to know him/them and go out and have fun. True friends and lovers won't leave you just because you gain a little weight.:wink:
     
  20. NCbear

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    For most of my childhood and young adulthood, I was fairly skinny: 32 waist and 36 inseam, 6'1", and 150 pounds. Soccer and bicycling helped with the ass and legs, but when I took off my shirt you could count my ribs, and my arms couldn't hold my weight for more than one push-up or chin-up.

    Since college I've gained 60 pounds, much of it muscle, and I've begun lifting. Now I look big and stocky, and I'm bearded, so I've morphed from a skinny soccer player with great legs into a "big guy" or a "bear." And that's how a lot of guys see me. It's quite a change.
    Same here. Couldn't agree more.

    I used to be painfully shy and reserved, especially with people I didn't know well. Lots of people interpreted that as arrogance, particularly when as a defense mechanism I showed off my intelligence. I was skinny and baby-faced, too, so my lack of confidence made me look years younger than I was. People would treat me with little or no respect and find me not very attractive or likeable. With good reason, really, in terms of my personality at that time.

    But with the increased weight, the broad shoulders, the beard, and (most importantly) the increased confidence and respect for others, I'm seen differently, particularly in my work wear of coat and tie. I have a deep voice and I have learned to speak my mind (when I know what I'm talking about) with real confidence, not childish arrogance. As a result of all these changes, I come across very differently these days--so differently that many people who grew up with me or went to college with me don't even recognize me until I introduce myself.

    This whole process has made me learn to be more patient with people who seem to be flawed in appearance or personality. I remind myself that they could be very different from the way they seem from just a quick glance or brief acquaintance, or that they could "grow out of it" as I and many others have.

    But on a much more shallow note, it is nice to be seen as attractive and found likeable. :wink: Quite a change from earlier in my life.

    NCbear
     
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