I think i was gaslighted any advice?

[Nikolas1]

Hi there im in a bit of an odd situation right now.. bit of a long post but I need to vent it a bit

Over the past year and a half I have been hanging out with this girl and her two young kids, were both 23 and it was quite a nice time. We met when both improving some credits at an Adult Education Center and over the course of the school year and this past one would go to the mall or park etc all the time with the kids (at least once or twice a week) and she knew I had a thing for her from school on and teased me a lot about it in a knowing way but gave off hints here and there to, she had seen a picture of me by accident when using my phone so that was something she always brought up smiling and jokingly to which made me feel more comfortable with her, one of the few people I have ever been able to have a comfortable silence with as well.

I basically stopped communication with most of my other regular female friends/potential relationships over her just because I got in routine/comfortable I suppose.. One night halfway through August she asked me to stay and cuddle as we watched Fantastic Beasts, things got a bit heavy and we got to second base before her daughter woke up.. I didn't know to what extent if she had been harboring feelings for me as after a few odd times where we didn't talk there had to be a reason she kept inviting me back into her life although my own desire had been waning over time so that kind of pulled me back in, a hug turned into holding her in my arms for a few minutes before I left which was more vulnerable then I think I had ever seen her.

And then the next day she was posting on instagram a picture with a caption like "screw you for making me feel ugly etc" on a picture when for me it was a great if not a bit confusing of a night.. I can understand feeling regret over it perhaps because of the child/father situation but still definitely brought me to a low point.

2 weeks later she messaged saying she had just wanted to cuddle (she had been grinding against me, running her fingernails down my arm and then put my hand under her bra so I was kind of wondering what the hell at first) so I apologized to just put it past us then she asked me for some money to help with rent which I gave her with her saying she would pay me back once she got her college money from the government though realistically I knew Ide probably write it off in time.

I didn't hear from her again for a week and then she came back asking for $300 for her sick cat which seemed fishy timing wise but I didn't want to question and some money for groceries and then again $100 for medication for him a few days later.

Now she had started college just around this time with government financial aid (osap) here in Ontario and I knew we would probably grow apart as happens but in the past month she has gotten like 5 tattoos and a new boyfriend so overcame some of those anxieties I guess, I new at the end of the day we weren't meant to be but at the same time the whole situation is just very odd for me.

$1000 is barely anything in the grand scheme of things and like I say I basically wrote it off in my mind as a gift anyways but she didn't know that.. it wasn't meant to be a test but after a few weeks and her not bringing it up and eventually just not messaging it really feels like I got used in a way or if she did have good intentions at the start it is certainly sad to see her ghost me over money, either way she either used what I gave her on her tattoos as I never heard anything really about her cat and the onetime I asked about his kidney health she was super vague or she put it to good use and would just rather ghost me then even bring it up.

I guess a good lesson in life going forward but my trust is certainly shaken :/ I have lost in the region of 200 Lbs in the past few years at this point and had a few short relationships but this just felt like something that could have become my first serious adult relationship.. people would walk up and ask if I was her husband or just presume it, a nice life experience going forward but on the other hand a disappointing one.

 

[Thedrewbert]

No, you weren't gaslighted. You were just used and ghosted.

 

[find83]

Dude she was playing you. The best thing to do is take it as a learning lesson and move on. Don't invest anymore thought on her. You seem like a nice guy you find a girl that actually likes you for you and won't play games.

 

[insert_8]

I have never heard the terms "gaslighted" or "ghosting" but I think you were simply used. If she is 23, with two kids, and no husband or committed partner, she has probably used guys in the past. Perhaps she has also been used. She may have had some attraction to you at some point but it was overshadowed by her decision to use you as a way to enhance her cash flow.

It may be true that "$1000 is barely anything in the grand scheme of things" but if you truly believed that, I don't think you would have made it a major point. Consult an attorney if the opinion of an outside expert helps you get closure but I suspect you have neither a legal nor a social path to recovery and restitution.

In my mind, the really sad thing is that this experience will make you at least cynical and distrustful. Its memory will hinder your ability to form quality relationships in the future. Caution and diligence are admirable qualities up to a point but become paralyzing and counterproductive when taken to excess. At the worst, you may become vindictive and vengeful.

I can assure you that it is not just a pleasant feeling to actually be the husband of a devoted wife, but it's truly a life-enhancing experience to be life partners with such a woman. A key factor is that neither of you exploits nor uses the other, but instead enhances and develops the other as a way to achieving things together. Please continue your search for that kind of relationship.

 

[halcyondays]

If she contacts you again tell her she must repay her debt as a condition for your continued friendship.

 

[nailz]

Just consider yourself lucky that this person is out of your life and it only cost you $1000

Don't be bitter because most people wouldn't treat you like this. Learn from this experience and be more careful in the future

 

[sangheili90]

A single mom in her early to mid 20s with two young children.......you knew better but you were horny and desperate, lesson learned.

 

[Nikolas1]

I have never heard the terms "gaslighted" or "ghosting" but I think you were simply used. If she is 23, with two kids, and no husband or committed partner, she has probably used guys in the past. Perhaps she has also been used. She may have had some attraction to you at some point but it was overshadowed by her decision to use you as a way to enhance her cash flow.

It may be true that "$1000 is barely anything in the grand scheme of things" but if you truly believed that, I don't think you would have made it a major point. Consult an attorney if the opinion of an outside expert helps you get closure but I suspect you have neither a legal nor a social path to recovery and restitution.

In my mind, the really sad thing is that this experience will make you at least cynical and distrustful. Its memory will hinder your ability to form quality relationships in the future. Caution and diligence are admirable qualities up to a point but become paralyzing and counterproductive when taken to excess. At the worst, you may become vindictive and vengeful.

I can assure you that it is not just a pleasant feeling to actually be the husband of a devoted wife, but it's truly a life-enhancing experience to be life partners with such a woman. A key factor is that neither of you exploits nor uses the other, but instead enhances and develops the other as a way to achieving things together. Please continue your search for that kind of relationship.

It was just a term an old female school acquaintance I ran into used I took it to mean hinting at a relationship in order to get things but used works just as well, and ghosting is basically just slowly cutting off contact over texting/social media.. we have known each other 3 years now only becoming closer in the last 2 so that's a possibility, many nights staying over past midnight just to talk and have a cigarette and long walks from Downtown or by the river.

If things had continued similarly I probably would have ended up spending close to that much on her and the kids by New Year anyways, what bugs me more is that everyone in life essentially told me what a mistake it would be to ever give her money as she had previously brought up a credit card debt months before but in this case I went ahead blindly.

When I went back to finish up some credits at this Adult high school basically I got really narcissistic for a while as I was not used to that level of female attention, the first girl I dated and I had nothing in common and the second turned out to be very vain in the end and got jealous/viscous in talking about this girl and her kids which is when I basically completely moved into her sphere of influence and I did feel I was able to be myself around her and let the shields down, will take some time to recover that but I do hope to find a partner in this life, I think that's one of the thing's I enjoyed most about it us was working as a team and like I say will definitely have a lasting impact going forward, I do security in the summer time but kids are entirely another level sometimes.

Just consider yourself lucky that this person is out of your life and it only cost you $1000

Don't be bitter because most people wouldn't treat you like this. Learn from this experience and be more careful in the future

I am starting to see it may be a blessing in disguise, perhaps shattering a dream but one that had to be broken, like I say above the issue that bugs me more is that I went ahead blindly in giving it against all better judgement and common logic so will have to review myself a bit to I guess but will also try and keep my chin up, time heals many wounds.

A single mom in her early to mid 20s with two young children.......you knew better but you were horny and desperate, lesson learned.

Believe me at the school I was going to for a while if I just wanted sex I had many easier options, I wasn't in it for over a year to slip into a crack when she was vulnerable.

 

[AlteredEgo]

Gaslighting means someone is deliberately trying to make you think you're crazy by pretending you're the only one who sees what you see. It comes from a movie in which the guy married a rich woman and made her feel secure and loved, then messed with the lights to make her think she was crazy so he could get all of her money by institutionalizing her. The way she'd make you think you were crazy for picking up in signs that are really there, but she pretends they were not? That's gaslighting. So, yes. While gaslighting is not what you thought it was, you were. It's abusive. Please don't let her abuse you further.

 

[bosceltic]

Use your head...as soon as a girl starts asking for money like that and not even dating you run far away.

 

[950483]

She obviously did enjoy your company and spending time with you, otherwise I'm sure that there are quicker and easier ways of making money that wouldn't involve two years of effort. When I was a young single parent I would not have had anyone spending time around my child that I didn't think very highly of. It just sounds to me like a relationship that never quite got off the ground for whatever reason, and has ended awkwardly and bitterly. It does sound like she has treated you very badly.

All you can do is decide to be resilient, and make sure that your next relationship is a more equal one. Perhaps think it through, and wonder where you went wrong, or what you could have done differently, but don't dwell on it. Otherwise, before you know it you will have wasted a couple more years of your life.

 

[ItsAll4Kim]

There should never be confusion about the status of a relationship. TALK. If the other person won't talk, won't give straight answers, or gives a direct answer but acts in a way that betrays those answers, tell them, get it straightened out, and end it if things don't change.

There are people who will string someone along indefinitely in the exact ways she did to you. Why? Lots of reasons....none of them matter. It's a head game you shouldn't get involved in at all. Relationships should be give and take. In the right relationship you should be amazed that you are so lucky, thankful for someone so giving, not asking yourself where you stand, why you feel confused, and wondering when things will make sense.

Your failure here was only in not talking about what was going on. This led to the confusion which led to your feeling of disappointment. "Being used" really only means that you got nothing in return, or far less, than what you gave. We all use, but we also give, in a healthy relationship.

 

[bosceltic]

There should never be confusion about the status of a relationship. TALK. If the other person won't talk, won't give straight answers, or gives a direct answer but acts in a way that betrays those answers, tell them, get it straightened out, and end it if things don't change.

There are people who will string someone along indefinitely in the exact ways she did to you. Why? Lots of reasons....none of them matter. It's a head game you shouldn't get involved in at all. Relationships should be give and take. In the right relationship you should be amazed that you are so lucky, thankful for someone so giving, not asking yourself where you stand, why you feel confused, and wondering when things will make sense.

Your failure here was only in not talking about what was going on. This led to the confusion which led to your feeling of disappointment. "Being used" really only means that you got nothing in return, or far less, than what you gave. We all use, but we also give, in a healthy relationship.

Communication is the key to a healthy relationship. Plantonic or romantic.

 

[Dollydud]

Hi there im in a bit of an odd situation right now.. bit of a long post but I need to vent it a bit

Over the past year and a half I have been hanging out with this girl and her two young kids, were both 23 and it was quite a nice time. We met when both improving some credits at an Adult Education Center and over the course of the school year and this past one would go to the mall or park etc all the time with the kids (at least once or twice a week) and she knew I had a thing for her from school on and teased me a lot about it in a knowing way but gave off hints here and there to, she had seen a picture of me by accident when using my phone so that was something she always brought up smiling and jokingly to which made me feel more comfortable with her, one of the few people I have ever been able to have a comfortable silence with as well.

I basically stopped communication with most of my other regular female friends/potential relationships over her just because I got in routine/comfortable I suppose.. One night halfway through August she asked me to stay and cuddle as we watched Fantastic Beasts, things got a bit heavy and we got to second base before her daughter woke up.. I didn't know to what extent if she had been harboring feelings for me as after a few odd times where we didn't talk there had to be a reason she kept inviting me back into her life although my own desire had been waning over time so that kind of pulled me back in, a hug turned into holding her in my arms for a few minutes before I left which was more vulnerable then I think I had ever seen her.

And then the next day she was posting on instagram a picture with a caption like "screw you for making me feel ugly etc" on a picture when for me it was a great if not a bit confusing of a night.. I can understand feeling regret over it perhaps because of the child/father situation but still definitely brought me to a low point.

2 weeks later she messaged saying she had just wanted to cuddle (she had been grinding against me, running her fingernails down my arm and then put my hand under her bra so I was kind of wondering what the hell at first) so I apologized to just put it past us then she asked me for some money to help with rent which I gave her with her saying she would pay me back once she got her college money from the government though realistically I knew Ide probably write it off in time.

I didn't hear from her again for a week and then she came back asking for $300 for her sick cat which seemed fishy timing wise but I didn't want to question and some money for groceries and then again $100 for medication for him a few days later.

Now she had started college just around this time with government financial aid (osap) here in Ontario and I knew we would probably grow apart as happens but in the past month she has gotten like 5 tattoos and a new boyfriend so overcame some of those anxieties I guess, I new at the end of the day we weren't meant to be but at the same time the whole situation is just very odd for me.

$1000 is barely anything in the grand scheme of things and like I say I basically wrote it off in my mind as a gift anyways but she didn't know that.. it wasn't meant to be a test but after a few weeks and her not bringing it up and eventually just not messaging it really feels like I got used in a way or if she did have good intentions at the start it is certainly sad to see her ghost me over money, either way she either used what I gave her on her tattoos as I never heard anything really about her cat and the onetime I asked about his kidney health she was super vague or she put it to good use and would just rather ghost me then even bring it up.

I guess a good lesson in life going forward but my trust is certainly shaken :/ I have lost in the region of 200 Lbs in the past few years at this point and had a few short relationships but this just felt like something that could have become my first serious adult relationship.. people would walk up and ask if I was her husband or just presume it, a nice life experience going forward but on the other hand a disappointing one.

narc


I see you.

 

[328982]

she kept inviting me back into her life although my own desire had been waning over time

It sounds to me like she was hurt that you were losing sexual interest in her, maybe fed up that she was having to do the work of pulling you back in to the relationship. Especially if you were going through a narcissistic phase, as you say, with your weight loss project, that could have been rather unrewarding for her. Maybe she gets that ambivalence a lot from men as a young single mother with kids? That hug where you broke off and left sounds like a kind of microcosm of the relationship, you pulling away, her left feeling frustrated and 'ugly'. Maybe she decided to cut her losses and get what she could out of it? Just trying to see this from her angle as there are always two sides.

 

[ChriJo]

Nikolas. Please.....

Slap yourself several times very hard in the testicles.

Never give someone your money, time or effort unless you're getting something of commensurate value in return.

 

[twoton]

narc


I see you.

 

[sangheili90]

Believe me at the school I was going to for a while if I just wanted sex I had many easier options, I wasn't in it for over a year to slip into a crack when she was vulnerable.

I read where you mentioned losing a lot of weight, congrats. Continue working on yourself and making improvements, get your life settled and on track towards the future you want. Be selective with whom you associate, ideally choose to surround yourself with people that bring positivity to your life, whatever that might be.

Now, you were in college and surrounded by a ton of young and single women in their prime years that are exploring the world and developing as young adults. Instead of opting for one of these girls you chose to get involved with a woman in this age range who was a single mother with 2 children, which is a horrible mistake in itself let alone for a young guy like you. Repeat after me, "I can do better than that".

 

[ronin001]

More Important

 

[Dollydud]

This is just bad business . Not gender specific.

• Are you feeling guilty you didn’t keep it between the ADULTS (- -)?
• Why didn’t you disclose, disclose disclose?
• Are you asexual? homosexual? Heterosexual?
• In your mind, were you “dating down” ?

You weren’t invested, you appear shady as hell.

http://vevo.ly/pBv1hy