I think I'm afraid of sex...

[tgirlsrgreat]

woman 20 years older than me haha

The chick I got a bj from

speaks volumes! good luck!

 

[madman411]

i suffer somewhat the same way you do. i desire that feeling of intimacy but when it does happen i get nervous and think i won't be able to perform properly. that being said, i do have sex, just not on a frequent basis. sometimes it takes me ages to get off... sometimes it just doesn't happen at all even though i'm "in to" the moment.

 

[avg_joe]

Naughty naughty boy !!! I am watching you.

 

[tgirlsrgreat]

i suffer somewhat the same way you do. i desire that feeling of intimacy but when it does happen i get nervous and think i won't be able to perform properly. that being said, i do have sex, just not on a frequent basis. sometimes it takes me ages to get off... sometimes it just doesn't happen at all even though i'm "in to" the moment.

what do you mean by, perform properly?

 

[madman411]

what do you mean by, perform properly?

fuck like a pro? lol. basically do it right.

 

[deleted15807]

I don't see the big deal being a virgin at 23. I waited until a month before my 21st birthday and I was in a very serious relantionship at the time or it wouldn't have happened as I'm generally a circus freak of clumsiness and unknowing stupidity at the worst moments possible.

There's a dichotomy. It is harder for a male virgin than a female virgin(Those Who Have Sex Later, Particularly Men, Seem to Experience More Sexual Dysfunction). A certain level of experience and confidence is expected by a certain age.

 

[helgaleena]

I think the whole concept of virginity is the problem here. But I seem to be repeating my previous post in the thread. OP, take the pressure off yourself. Being shy is not a fault, it is a survival trait! If you want to guarantee that you can 'get it up' when the time comes, do not waste your time on women who make themselves available but do not attract you. The one you mention obviously was not your ideal sexual partner and managed to 'turn you off' somehow.

It is yet another thing I do not understand about peoples' preconceptions about sex, the idea that it is desirable to be able to fuck anything that moves, whether animate or inanimate, without respecting one's deeper feelings about it.

 

[Incocknito]

You are not afraid of sex. You only think you are afraid of sex. And you begin to believe the lie you tell yourself in order to avoid having sex; which in your mind is fraught with danger/disaster/embarrassment/awkwardness.

You need to change your negative thought processes, at least regarding sex. It is possible to have social anxiety and yet be sexually dominant/confident.

You just have to allow for the possibility of sex. And don't think any further or any more than that. Don't start running scenarios through your head of all the things that can go wrong.

As long as the possibility is there, you and your partner can have a good time. Maybe you could sell your virginity on ebay or something? Or pay for sex or ask a good female friend?

Either way, if you want sex with a woman then as long as you do the above and keep an open/positive mind then:

Make eye contact/smile at her (you don't have to say anything)
Being drunk helps
If she is interested she will reciprocate the eye contact/smiling and perhaps stare at you or play with her hair
You can then either talk to her or wait for her to come over to you. In my experience its 50/50 split
Get her to talk more about herself than about you. If you can, just let her talk about herself all night and demonstrate (real or fake) interest
Get her number or go home with her
Wait for her to kiss you or you kiss her
Touch her body slowly yet firmly

Then assuming it leads to sex (which it should), you can either tell her you're a virgin or just say "it's been awhile" or words to that effect. Or maybe "Your body is just so sexy I'm scared to touch it" (lol) or something similar.

If she's a horny girl, moaning when you kiss her or groping your body then you can even take her hand and put it on your crotch if you want. Assuming you have a hardon, she should be impressed.

But this is all hypothetical. Like I sad at the beginning, if you allow for sex then sex will happen. The problem is that your mind is telling you that sex will be a disaster.

But you don't know that because you've never had sex. Try it and see. Even if it is a disaster you're not alone. Experienced people and virgins alike have bad sexual experiences. I think everyone has. I've had a fair few myself but it doesn't stop me sticking my dick in things :tongue:

 

[D_Hammond Happydipper]

I KNOW it has a lot to do with the severe social anxiety I've dealt with most of my life. There has to be additional factors though and I really don't have any idea how to overcome them. :frown1:

most likely your also depressed

they go hand and hand.

you will just have to learn to deal with the "fight-or-flight response"




and if you really do have anxiety you can trigger the Adrenaline rush just by thinking of what causes your "fight-or-flight response"

I did that one day close to the end of August I must have trigger it 10-15 times
I was limp as a noodle at the end of that day. I did it for a few days after that but it was less and less after that. It came to a point where I could no longer trigger it at all. that is how I beat Social anxiety..

But I am still having to deal with the lingering effects of the depression.

 

[CuriousFem]

Shyguy, forgive me for echoing what others have already said, but I want to wrap up the best pieces of advice that have already been given (as judged by me, of course!) into one neat package.

(And everyone else, please mentally translate "girl" in my post into "woman" as you wish. The OP is young and I don't want to start a debate about whether college-age women should ever be called "girls". My girlfriends (platonic) are in their 30's and 40's, and they call themselves girls.)

First, Shyguy, you have had sex (BJ). Your performance anxiety seems to apply only to vaginal intercourse, as the advice columnists so clinically call it. The best advice I've heard in this situation comes from Dan Savage, who would tell you to "take vaginal intercourse off the menu" the next time you have sex with a girl. Tell her you don't want to do that right away, but you'll do everything else. It will take the pressure off of you. After a few times having sex with her, you'll find yourself hard and wanting that particular act, and with luck she will want it, too.

Second, you have had some success in dating, even if you've arranged your dates mostly online versus talking to a stranger. There are middle grounds between the two, though. You can meet girls through mutual friends, by going to parties, and by doing things that you enjoy.

On that last point: Whether you join a club, play in a sports league, learn to paint, or whatever, you should do these things because they are fun. A nice side effect is that you will meet new people. Make friends with the women, whether or not you want to date them. Make friends with the guys, too. These people all have friends. If you enlarge your social circle to include these people, you will meet their friends. This is a proven approach to finding people to date!

Third, you may be anxious/afraid because you are hoping for a long-term relationship with the girl you are with, and you are putting pressure on yourself to perform well as a result. Solution: Have all manner of sex with girls you are attracted to but with whom you don't envision an LTR developing. (Be honest with them, of course, that by hooking up with them, you are looking for mutual pleasure and fun and not expecting more.)

Last, there are great drugs today for depression and anxiety. While I loathe the "just take a pill" mentality that prevails these days, you may (like so many others) benefit from getting a diagnosis and treatment. Wide_dick has it right that anxiety and depression can go together.

Assuming you made it this far, thanks for reading this long-winded post. :smile:

And, good luck!

HB