I Think I'm Coming Out to My Mom via Email

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by jason_els, Dec 10, 2008.

  1. jason_els

    jason_els <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    I'll let you know how it goes. I'm terrified but looking forward to the relief.
     
  2. B_Mademoiselle Rouge

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    You never know she might have known all along. Many times parents have a suspicion and arent as surprised as they act. She might be terrified and relieved as well. Good luck!
     
  3. D_Tintagel_Demondong

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    What can I say. This is a bit shocking, Jason.

    How do you think she will react? How does she feel about homosexuality? Why an email? Do you think it will be cathartic, regardless of her reaction?

    Best of luck, Jason.
     
  4. CUBE

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    You are 42. If you are also single she may not be in total shock. :) But good luck and hope all goes well
     
  5. jason_els

    jason_els <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    I think she'll be OK with it and yeah it will likely be no big shocker, but sex is not something we ever discuss. No discussions about dates or girls (or guys) or wanting grandkids or bringing someone to family things, NEVER. So I'm not sure how she will react. My mom's pretty down on men in general.
     
  6. Scrufuss

    Scrufuss New Member

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    I can tell you that it will be one of the most terrifying things you can do because of all the horror stories you may have heard about. It&#8217;s an irrational fear instilled by society.
    I was sweating bullets when I came out to my folks. I was 18.
    My moms reaction was, after she closed her jaw that fell open, "That Explains a few thing" And life moved on. My Dad vanished for a day then came back and told me he still oves me.
    Some of my friends were in total disbelief. (They paid little attention to the details) My sister said gee thanks, so now I&#8217;m the one they come to for grandkids.

    Unless you heard your mom say slanderous negative things about gays as you grew up, I would not worry about it. Never the less you will. Its a irrational fear - the only way you might be able to avoid that irrational fear is if your mom was a lesbian already. But still, if she loved you and always have for who you are..

    Don't worry buddy. It's all good.
    Once it is done the weight off your shoulders is undescribable. YOu can almost literally feel the difference.
    But doing it via email? Do you have to do it that way
     
  7. D_Chocho_Lippz

    D_Chocho_Lippz Account Disabled

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    Why E-mail? IMHO, I think such an issue at least begs for a phone call at minimum... for both of you...
     
  8. B_Think_Kink

    B_Think_Kink New Member

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    It will be a good feeling once you know that she knows. Best of luck Jason, hope it works out in your favor.
     
  9. jason_els

    jason_els <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    She's OK with homosexuality and so is my step-father -- at least in other people. They have gay friends in their WASPy social circle (cocktails, horses, and golf) where it's cosmopolitan and expected to accept gays at least in some measure.

    The difficult part is that we do not discuss sex. EVER. Not when I was growing-up, not ever. Both my parents would say, "Ask us about anything," but any attempt to ask was met with, "Perhaps you should speak to Dr. K or your father." My father was useless as I never felt comfortable discussing anything personal with him and in my teen years I came to distrust both my parents with anything too personal out of fear they'd use it against me.I'm writing a really long post about growing up and all. My mom is very down on men. She went through a bad divorce with my father and if she can't control men around her (me included) then she doesn't trust them. We're cordial to each other but not necessarily warm. She's never mentioned girlfriends or boyfriends, never asked about grandkids or bringing someone to family things. When I was very young I tried bringing these up but they were met with stiff silences which essentially told me that the topic was not welcome. Meanwhile my sister was encouraged to date, take care of herself, and find a good man with prospects however, my sister was also encouraged to get her master's degree and have an independent career so she would never be dependent upon a man. My mom's definitely an Emma Willard girl. No question about it.

    Email is good for me because I'm a good writer and it will be easier to deal with an aftermath than with exposing myself emotionally in person. I can't be goaded to say something I'll regret or have my buttons pushed or have the conversation devolve into something else entirely. She is also a very good writer and can plan what she will say without letting her emotions dictate them. If she has to have a crisis or ask a barrage of questions, I can handle them better in print and plan my replies.

    I don't think it will be horrible but nor do I think it will be easy. My mom is very unpredictable about these things though I think she will be the easier of my parents to discuss this with.

    I'm quite sure though I did pre-emptively deny it during a family therapy session when I was a teenager. She will remember that and wonder why I lied to her. I have to tell her I simply was not prepared to admit to myself much less anyone else or particularly my parents with whom I did not get along with at all during that time.
     
    #9 jason_els, Dec 10, 2008
    Last edited: Dec 10, 2008
  10. jason_els

    jason_els <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    Thank you all very much for your support. I'll be writing the letter and sending it out sometime in the next few hours. It makes me a bit verklempt to know I'm not alone in spirit.
     
  11. Scrufuss

    Scrufuss New Member

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    No, do it face to face. That way you can read her reaction accuratly.
    Like how long her jaw flops open before she closes it... (about 20 seconds for mine)
     
  12. sam_solo26

    sam_solo26 New Member

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    Did Milk inspire you to do it? :tongue:
     
  13. SilverTrain

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    Good luck, dude.

    May the force be with you.
     
  14. mjcp

    mjcp New Member

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    I told my Mom in person, but couldn't get around to telling Dad for a year and a half.

    Then Mom went and old him
    By email
    When he was on a business trip
    To Indonesia.

    There's no best way to tell a parent. There's only a way that's best for you. Hope it goes well.

    And I live about ten minutes away from Emma Willard.
     
  15. jason_els

    jason_els <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    My father will be a lot harder. When his brother came out of the closet, my father cut him off for nearly 30 years. My father would also make snide comments about gays and actively tried to prevent me from behaving in ways he thought were, in his words, "feepy," or, "light in the loafers." I think he's mellowed a bit on this whole thing because when my father had an emergency quad bypass I called my uncle to tell him. My uncle, in turn planned to come out to help me nurse my father back to help and they spoke on the phone for a little bit though I wasn't there to hear it. A few days later while my father was still in CCU, my uncle was in a car accident in Palm Springs and killed. I think that opened my father's eyes to what he had lost out of stupid prejudice.

    More of a complication is that I currently live with my father and he has a hair-trigger temper even now at 71. I may need a Xanax before that conversation to keep my temper in check.
     
  16. D_Fiona_Farvel

    D_Fiona_Farvel Account Disabled

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    Good luck, Jason!
    You have waited long enough - time to live your life and for your parents (Ok, Mom) to accept it. :hug:

    I agree with Ms. Red, she probably already knows. :yup:
     
  17. jason_els

    jason_els <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    There. It's sent. Pardon me while I go smoke.
     
  18. Smartalk

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    AND................. you had a reply back yet.

    GOOD LUCK Jason, Life will have a whole new meaning from now on, you can be the person you have always been inside, and be able to be relaxed about it.
     
  19. jason_els

    jason_els <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    No, no reply. It was sent after midnight our time and it's only 6:40am now. I'm trying not to think about it. I'll get home and have a little breakfast then go to bed. I won't know the reply until later this afternoon.
     
  20. Scrufuss

    Scrufuss New Member

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    Hope its a good green!

    I hope and believe that the major catastrphic alteration of your life that you expect will never happen. She will come around and tell you that she still loves you. She may ask why you waited so long to go gay now :biggrin1: ... I love that when people think there was a choice to be made...
     
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