I know email seems impersonal. The fact is I'm much better spoken on the written page than in-person. I think any of the people I've met from here will tell you as much. Introducing the subject face-to-face was too emotional for me and on the printed page, I can control what I'm going to say and how I phrase it. I have a very difficult time displaying any emotions around my parents and it's more difficult with my stepfather as we all take great pains to keep him from becoming upset. My mom's side is the one descended from Puritans. We are horribly, horribly, white. Extremes of emotion are frowned-upon and any problem any one has can be discussed with a calm civility no matter how volatile. Think of all the WASPy families spoofed on TV where everyone sits around drinking martinis without showing the slightest change of demeanor. One may laugh a bit or display slight irritation, but not much else. I think after living with my father's outrageous temper that my mother wants to avoid anything like that. Part of writing her was an effort to spare us both an emotional scene which I think would be equally uncomfortable for both of us.
"Elbert dearest, may I ask you a question?"
"Certainly Helen. What ever is it?"
"Elbert dearest, did you turn off the lights on the Christmas tree?"
"Why no Helen. Would you like me to?"
"I think things are beyond that Elbert. I believe the south wing is on fire."
"Really Helen? That is terrible. Would you like me to telephone the fire department?"
"If you would Elbert. I believe I'll gather some things to evacuate after I put my face on."
"Of course dear. I'll phone them now. Do you think I have time for another?"
"I doubt it but no reason you can't finish it outside. Would you grab my jewelry box on your way out?"
I kid you not. When my aunt's house caught fire she called the caretaker first then the insurance agency then the caterer to cancel the tent for the following weekend's party and THEN the fire department. She actually packed a case, put on her face, a suit with matching shoes, and picked a few family photographs. She then calmly went downstairs (not outside mind you) and directed staff on what valuables to rescue. The fire department arrived to find all these people running in and out of a burning house!
The outward placidity may be admirable in some situations, however it's immensely frustrating in others. We're terribly polite but not very warm. Even among each other.
So given that sort of background, I wasn't quite sure what to expect.
Here is the reply (complete with safe sex lecture):
Jason, dear,
First let me start by saying it's okay in my life if you are gay - I want both of my children to be happy. I'm not going to occupy this Earth forever and there's no greater joy for a parent than to see his or her child happy and fulfilled. Believe me. My gravest concern over this lifestyle naturally is Aids; and it's still a tough world for bi-sexuals and gays. And it's awfully easy to meet some unsavory individuals (women can be pretty mean too, just be cautious) .....Be doubly careful of partners - testing even for heterosexuals is an absolute must these days, tragic statement though that is!!! As I've said in parting remarks to Abbey [my sister -j_e] for years, and I would say to you, "strive to be happy!" I love you very much. Whatever your choice of partners!
I am taking off for the barn in a minute - just want you to know before I leave that I love you very much!!! More later
Love, as always,
Mom
I went to her house to pick-up something tonight and she acted as if nothing had happened. There were no hugs, no talking, not even a mention; just the same air kiss as usual and a nice comment about my new haircut. It was as if nothing had passed between us and, I think, that is how we both preferred it. There was no great lifting of a burden, no sudden feeling of freedom, no real relief. I feel much the same as I did before though perhaps it is too early for it to hit me.
Thanks again to everyone here. I could never have done this without the support of my friends here. I really mean that. It helps immensely to know you have friends in your corner.
Next up is my father, brother, and step-father. It gets more difficult from here on out.