I think I'm free

Highjinx

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Jonesy 3 years is a long time to keep carrying all that hurt. Time to move on and let all of that go for your own good. The only one suffering will be you until you decide to move on and try to met new people and get someone new into your life. Regain all your confidence and be assured that there are many out there that will enjoy your company and wont degrade you.
 

overtheshoulder

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Hey dude,
The prob isn't the girl man, seems you enjoy the drama. take some time to figure out why YOU need chaos in your life.
Just in case you were thinking it was the only way to get rid of her, the truth is you created more drama, if she reaaly is a master manipulater then look forward to some relatiaion, if not now then later. For the future you can say hey man this isn't working out for me. Then stick to it. Ya she might call a million times, try to drop over etc. but who cares. Thats her shit. The only thing that got you stuck is that you answered the phone, let her continue to approach you etc.
Goodluck dude. Time to concern yourself with what you let happen , not what she did. Then you are truley free.
 

_Jonesy

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Just an update. She has been split from her ex for like a month or two max, and she is now In a relationship with somebody new.

I hung around like a tw@ for 3 years, was always there for her like a lost puppy, trapped in my mind. I met her when she wanted her to ex back, and the idea of somebody just meeting her without going through all this pain over her and just going out with her makes me so fucking angry. I'm not going to be able to sleep tonight, this is going to tear my brain apart for hours. I know I can't email her, I've already been talked out of it, I don't want to give her that satisfaction.

So much for being free.

I want to meet someone new, to make me feel happy. I still can't even look at a girl in the eye, I do that childish thing where you instantly look away. I've lost any confidence in myself, and that is probably the reason no girl seems to like me anymore, which reduces my confidence more. I've even developed some kind of murderous fantasies. I cannot believe she can just get away with this! She's damaged me and ruined 3 years of my life, why is that not punishable?

What do I do with myself... nobody deserves me like this, but I just don't know how to heal. But at least now the healing process can begin.

@overthehoulder - I definately dont fucking like this drama. Not with what I'm feeling now. What I've done isn't because I want to cause trouble, it's because I couldn't let go. I know I should have.
 
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EmJay

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Well start now..let go now..

She's not done shit to you..you have done all of this BS to yourself. I know its hard to acknowledge..hard to understand.

She has been looking out for number 1..and that was her prerogative!!! You cant blame her for doing that..

You can only forgive yourself that you did not catch on sooner..

You chose the friendzone..hoping it would be a way to get back into her heart. The girl has shown many times that she was not that into you..

You have shown many times that you werent that into YOU yourself.. If you were you would not have accepted to be her sloppy second any time she twisted and turned her ass..

You are making more out of this girl than she deserves. You are making her solely responsible for your joy and happiness.. She is not the boss of your life, she does not own you, she doesnt not own your heart.. YOU DO!!!!

Change your number, your email, block from FB or whatever friends-site she is on. Go no contact..completely. And get your ass to the gym and a library to work on you and gain some insights in your own behaviour.

Hiding in a new relationship with some other girl is NOT the answer right now. You need to be content being with YOU first...than start dating..and it will go as smooth as slicing through butter..Why?? Because you are a great guy in your core. And once you get your inside alligned with the outside..you are good to go. You will be awesome once you are done..BUT NOT NOW!!

Forgive her for the hurt she has caused, forgive yourself for not having been able to let go of someone you knew was not right for you. And she will never be!!!!!!! She is from the past..let her own lifes path take care of her..but you are not the one anymore..

Why?..because she is obviously very very toxic for you. Some people just are ..no matter how hard you try or want them in your life. As soon as they resurface..run fast!

No more drama, no more pain for and from people who do not deserve that place in your heart, get the job done for you.. If you do this..you could be smiling in no less than 6 weeks or a year if you do the hard work..

Start an 'emotions and feelings'- vent blog on here for yourself..to get things started right now.

But allow yourself only 1 hr a day to get the crap out of your system and to wallow in it..the rest is for a new and positive YOU. If and when you do the right things for you..you will see that you WILL start to feel less and less attraction to all of the drama and depresiveness of the state you are in now..

You get what you give..
 
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B_Bjen2848

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you need to do whatever it takes to stop thinking about her man! have you gone after any other women since this all went down? for me it seems like you're addicted to her .. she's like a drug, you know she's bad for you, but you can't stop thinking about her no matter what .. take up a hobby, go new places, meet new people, just live life and everything will work out

even if living life isn't your number 1 goal and you just want to piss her off .. if you go out and date other women who are better than her (shouldn't be too hard if she's anywhere near as toxic as you claim) that would get her PISSED! seeing you happy would crush her, and knowing that you don't even think about her will just be the last nail in the coffin .. but really man you need to live life b/c all this bottle up emotion and pain can't be healthy and even though you might have messed up her chances with the ex, b/c she is on your mind all the time she has won ...

good luck man
 

_Jonesy

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Cheers guys.

EmJay believe me it hasn't all been in my head she has said a bloody lot of things to make me think it would work out, and the friendzone isn't included when she is cheating on her ex with me. Making it out I meant more to her, to keep me there for the attention no doubt.

@Bjen I don't think it would upset her if I was with somebody else. The reason I need someone else is because when I do I won't think about her anymore.
 

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You have been blinded or fooled by her words...believe me happens to the best of us..I still fall into that trap sometimes (just recently by the way ;-))..but you get up dust yourself off and go at it for another new day.

Next time..pay attention to the actions...when you break up over stupid stuff..most of the time it means the rels is broken all together..

You get up you move on..
You will probably never really forget about her..and there are more reasons than one why you shouldn't.. (you need to learn from it)

If you focus..i mean truly focus..in a few weeks you could be laughing again. Don't dwell on the past too much ( that is gone, doesnt exist anymore) and don't focus too much on the future...just enjoy your now time..

The more you can enjoy that, the more life will take care of itself..
I'm sorry if I got a bit upset with you for a moment.. But all I'm saying is you are wasting time..and life is too precious for focussing all of your attention on fucking bastards..women or men.

But nothing comes before its time..you will get it right in the end.
 
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B_Bjen2848

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Cheers guys.

EmJay believe me it hasn't all been in my head she has said a bloody lot of things to make me think it would work out, and the friendzone isn't included when she is cheating on her ex with me. Making it out I meant more to her, to keep me there for the attention no doubt.

@Bjen I don't think it would upset her if I was with somebody else. The reason I need someone else is because when I do I won't think about her anymore.


yeah dude the number 1 cure of getting over somebody is finding someone else who is better, once you do that then the only regret you will have is that you even thought about her when it was over haha, you'll be good man
 

Gamm

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Don't sweat her Jonsey. I just finished up a 4 year relationship and it was for the better.
 

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You sent the ex who hit her because he was (is?) on steroids an email telling him that she cheated on him and purposefully worded it so that his imagination would get carried away with him? You shouldn't have done that. That was very bad.

And you did this because you don't have the willpower to simply cut her off, you need HER to refuse to talk to you?

Jesus, Jonesy! Grow up and man up! Take control of yourself, stop contacting her or anyone in her life trying to get emotional reactions out of her or anyone else she knows and move on already. You've expressed an unhealthy obsession with her and the people in her life.

I sympathize that you're in pain and that you're mad. I know how messed up it can get, but you have to leave all that in the past. There are much better and more mature ways of handling this situation.

You need to take a long break and recognize when you're obsessing again and you need to stay away until you're not obsessed, angry, or sad any more. Change your phone number if you need, like Helgaleena suggested. Do whatever you need to do, just stay away from her! Break off all contact. It's for your own good. You aren't going to be able to be happy or healthy until you do.
 
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_Jonesy

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Already have Petite. And the phrase man up is the bane of my life. The pressure to be a 'man' is one of the main things that is driving me insane.

I need to pick up the pieces, but the bottom line is that I am not the person that I want to be right now.
 

B_Bjen2848

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actually .. now that i think about what you did, petite is 100% right, you do need to man up and just move on, shes out of your life now which is what you wanted right? now whats your excuse for not moviing on?

go out and meet new people!
 

petite

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Already have Petite. And the phrase man up is the bane of my life. The pressure to be a 'man' is one of the main things that is driving me insane.

I need to pick up the pieces, but the bottom line is that I am not the person that I want to be right now.

I'm glad to hear that you already have.

How do you mean that the pressure to be a man is one of the things? I think perhaps your definition might be different than mine if it's one of the things that is making you make these kinds of choices.

I think it's important to not let yourself down. You really need to be someone that you're proud of, someone that you want to be.

I've been where you are, so wrapped up in the feelings of hurt that you can't think of anything else and you can't think straight. I'm sorry that you're going through that. I wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone. The only thing you can really do is separate yourself for a long time.

Good luck. Let us know if anything changes?
 

_Jonesy

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I only added to this thread because I didn't want to make a totally new thread, the first few pages of posts are irrelevant now.

Since then, I have begun to move on. It just isn't nice to see somebody else come in, never been hurt by her to just get to be happy with her. All I ever wanted, that easy. You know why I did something as immature as email him? Even though it worked, it was my only alternative to going round there and doing something to her which I found myself wanting to do, a lot. Sounds ridiculous? Can't control myself? I agree, I am not happy about this, it is not me, I do not like who I am and I need to get out of this hole she's pushed me in to.

The biggest step is taken, she is gone and all things hopeful I should not hear about her again. I know things will be alright in a few months or whenever, but right now my life is a mess. Well and truly.

I've always been shy, always felt weak, not like a real man. That is why when people try and insult my masculinity it is one of the only things that really make me take a dislike to someone. I've been trying to 'man up' for years, it just isn't happening. I must have naff all testosterone in me anyway because I go to the gym 4 times a week and eat perfectly yet I can't get a body to impress anybody off-camera.

I want my old life back. Right now I'm more hateful, unmotivated and negative especially about my confidence. I remember when my body clock was perfect, when I had a perfect balance between study, reading, tv, gym, everything.

I know what I have to do, I just need the support to do it. I could, as I said, simply need someone else to love me for once.
 

B_subgirrl

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Do you think Valentine's Day has made all these feelings come to the fore again? Because you seemed to be getting a little better before this round of posts.

I'm not really sure what to say to you except to offer hugs. (I'll let the other women do the necessary ass kicking :tongue:).

It gets better. It really does. People always feel like crap after a break up, even the break up and the relationship AREN'T messy ones. It takes time before things start to feel better again, but it always does get better.

Unlike Emjay, I don't think that you should forgive her. To me forgiveness always seems too much like saying what they did was okay. But you do need to figure out how to let go and move on.

To really heal, only time will help, but there are things you can do in the meantime. Learn how to love and value yourself. I think the best way to do this is to spend time communicating or hanging out with other people. Listen to the good things they say about you. Even if you don't feel they are true, the people saying the good things obviously believe what they are saying. If you accept that others really feel that way about you, over time you will begin to really believe there is some truth in the things they say.

I would usually suggest fucking someone else (not dating someone else - that wouldn't be fair considering where your mind is at the moment). But having read a few of your posts, I realise that probably wouldn't be right for you (still might be worth a try though). Just make sure you are honest with the woman if you do decide to try this route.

And FFS, your ex still OWNS you! The obsessive thinking about her, the strong emotions, they all mean that you are still allowing her to have a much bigger place in your life and your heart than she deserves. You need to deal with that, because it is eating you up inside. A way that I have found works for me is rather similar to something Emjay suggested. Give yourself a set time of day when you can think about her (maybe before you go to sleep at night). Spend this time remembering and analysing. Think about the bad stuff, but think about the good stuff too. Most importantly, remind yourself why it would never have worked out between the two of you. The rest of the day, if you start thinking about her - STOP! Think about something else! Actively change what you are thinking about. At first it won't be easy, but it will get easier the more you practice. Eventually you will find that you don't think about her nearly as much.

And no girl seems to like you anymore? Are you serious? I have no idea what your personality is like in person, but you seem like a nice enough guy (if with some issues). And you are gorgeous!!! As I have said before :redface:. I have no doubt the girls like you.

Remember that it does get better.
 

B_subgirrl

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I've always been shy, always felt weak, not like a real man. That is why when people try and insult my masculinity it is one of the only things that really make me take a dislike to someone. I've been trying to 'man up' for years, it just isn't happening. I must have naff all testosterone in me anyway because I go to the gym 4 times a week and eat perfectly yet I can't get a body to impress anybody off-camera.

You have a naturally slim body. That does not make it unmanly.

Guess what my ideal male body type is? Exactly what you have!! And I'm certainly not the only woman who has a liking for slim but muscular men. Look in any 'Which celebrity would you fuck' thread and you will see this guy come up again and again:

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_gyOeNaG3O3U/THhYdmrThEI/AAAAAAAAAQk/ayJg-FywCFs/s1600/Buffy-and-Spike.jpg

Part of that is because of the character he plays, but part is because of the way he looks. And guess whose body type he shares . . . YOURS!


I know what I have to do, I just need the support to do it. I could, as I said, simply need someone else to love me for once.

Loving yourself is a really good place to start. It's easier if someone else loves you, but it's hard for others to love you when you don't love yourself.
 

EmJay

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Jonesy..if only I was 10 years younger...LOL..You are a hot and sexy man.. ;-)

If only you can get rid of the 'feeling sorry for myself'-aura.. that's the one thats more off putting.. but you will get there...you will.

To clarify..forgive is never about the other person..never about saying that you agree with what they have done and there is no blame for what they done etc etc..

its for you..your actually saying to yourself that you can't change what has been done by this other person, so having feelings of pain, anxiety, hate or whatever is not going to help you either...and so you forgive= let go..

You let go of them being an important part of your life, your thoughts, your behaviour..

You do not have to forget, you do not have to treat them with kindness (unless it makes you feel good)..you just take a path of indifference and calmness for YOU instead of a path of pain. You do it for yourself and you do that what feels good to you..that's it.

@subgirrl: I am on to you...you are so making sure your that this hot and sexy 30 year old Jonesy will be making his way into your '40 year old and at your sexual peek'-arms :p hahaha LOL

Look..another nice thing to look forward to in your future Jonesy ;-)
 

B_subgirrl

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@subgirrl: I am on to you...you are so making sure your that this hot and sexy 30 year old Jonesy will be making his way into your '40 year old and at your sexual peek'-arms :p hahaha LOL

Look..another nice thing to look forward to in your future Jonesy ;-)

ROFL :biggrin1:. I'm pretty sure I've made that offer to him already :biggrin1:. (And I don't usually go for younger guys :biggrin1:).
 

_Jonesy

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Ok fine I admit it, those posts sort of have made me feel better, thanks. Like you said subgirrl it is probably that evil day of the year combined with the fact she obviously spent it with him and started a relationship with him as a result. I'll be fine in a bit, 2 steps forwards 1 step back rather than 2 steps back from now on :p

And well, I wish more people from my demographic felt the same lol. I keep getting asked by people older/younger why I am single but for girls my age I don't seem to do anything for them. It's quite bizarre.

Like you say emJay the most off putting thing is my attitude at the moment. Yet the cure for me is also in the venom. I can't allow myself to like a girl after it gets serious, yet, if I could and if she was the right girl this time, I would be cured.

As for the rest of the posts, Amsterdam is a lot closer than Australia, but then Australia is somewhere I want to go :p And not to mention the fact I want to explore and travel in the next 5 years... persuade me :p haha. The funny thing is, we are joking now but when I graduate it is very possible I could end up near subgirrl haha.

Also deleted my facebook. I think it is a source of a lot of evils in my life. Would I have found out about this without it? No. Would I have moved on sooner? Yes. Would it have gone on for this long without it? Probably not!