i think i'm in love with a straight boy...

[madman411]

Hey everyone,

I’ve been debating where I could actually post this and get opinions and thoughts on it. I’ve tried typing out the situation I’m about to explain many times, but I often lose focus and tend to just stop writing… This is kind of lengthy, so please be pre-warned. Anyway, here it goes…

I’m a 20 year old gay college student. I’m not out, and right now would not be a good time to come out. I started film school back in September of 2008 and I’m absolutely loving it. I’m due to graduate here in several months and it’s unfortunate that I’ve fallen for a boy in my class at this late stage. You see, a few months ago we were assigned to our groups to create our 16mm film project and “Brian” was assigned to the same group as me. I had noticed him before many months ago and I always thought he was kind of cute, but never much more than that. When our project began and I first really started to notice him, I felt myself fall more in love with him every day. He was so attractive, intelligent and flamboyant. If I knew for sure he was a straight boy I never would have let myself even like him (like that) because I knew I’d never stand a chance, but I was sensing a bit of a gay vibe from him. [He does have a bit of a gay lisp and tone to his voice (especially when he calls “here!” on attendance) and the way he holds himself is also quite gay. I consider myself pretty straight acting and people have been surprised when I told them I was gay before.] Brian and I had never really spoken to each other before now, but we did know who each other was to the point where we were friends on Facebook. Anyway, Brian was assigned position of “set photographer” and basically had to photograph the entire production from day one until we wrapped. During one of our first production meetings he randomly came over to the area I was sitting and began just taking photos of me. I shrugged and laughed with him while he was doing it, but I noticed he wasn’t taking pictures of anyone else. I really noticed his [apparent] gay side and it was then that my mind clicked and told me “not totally straight” which then made me start to develop my attraction to him. Although I was secretly enjoying it, I made a point for him to take pictures of other people and he obliged. Since then I see his last name (and other minor details about him) all over the place, such as license plates, menus, bill boards, etc. The radio has even been good at playing songs with his name in it at times when I just got out of class and I’m thinking of him. Such random coincidences have occurred that I’m only falling more in love with him and recently he’s been in several of my dreams.

Brian is single and since I’ve known who he is I’ve never heard of him actually being in a relationship nor hooking up with women he must meet when he goes out. He just didn’t even seem like the type that would do that. My initial impression of him was that he was very sweet, kind and a happy loving person. His Facebook profile states that he’s straight, but I’ve never fully believed what some people list as their sexuality on social networking sites. I know gay people listing themselves as “straight” on their profiles when I know for damn sure they’re gay – they’re just in denial. So, I knocked that out of the way and told myself “he could be lying” – basically I’m telling myself what I want to hear. One day I noticed something that was said between him and a mutual friend at school (one of his best friends) online, where he [Brian] was telling his friend that he was in the frozen food section at the grocery store and some chick approached him and they began to have a brief conversation. She then asked him if he wanted to get coffee, to which he declined and threw 5 items out of his cart to get in to the express check out line. Several people made comments about his post, to which he said “I don’t remember posting on anybody’s wall but [friend]!” – Was this just a joke comment or was he being serious? I told myself, again, what I wanted to hear and left it at that.

Back at school I began to notice him noticing me more (at least that’s how I perceived it), unless I was just oblivious to it before hand, and on several occasions I noticed him staring at me, to which he turned away whenever I looked back at him. After the construction of our basic set walls I was on the “mudding” team (we had to seamlessly fill the gaps in the wall) and I began to get the product running all down my arms. He approached me and commented on the progress, but I was more interested to see how he would react to me talking to him. I told him I was pissed I was the only one who had the mud running down my arms. He then said “here, let me take care of that for you…” to which he ran his fingers delicately down my arm which then just turned in to a stare. It only lasted briefly until I unwillingly broke the silence. “You can get me a paper towel!” He went to get me paper towels and I just stood there cursing myself. Was he flirting with me or is it just wishful thinking? He touched me! That sooo seems like something someone would do if they liked you! I had noticed he was quite touchy-feely with other people as well so I tried not to think much of it. Then he started hugging me sometimes – again, I noticed he hugged people quite often.

 

[madman411]

At this point we still didn’t socialize much. It was mainly just in class we would talk (if ever). I’m a very shy and quiet person, especially with boys I have crushes on. As I’m prone to doing, I would sometimes avoid him because he made my heart pound so hard that I’d be too nervous to speak to him. For a while I thought that because I hadn’t really expressed a keen interest for him, he thought I wasn’t interested and thus never made an effort at conversation like I never did. Sometimes I still think this, and other times I genuinely think “no, no, no! He’s not interested in you. Stop telling yourself that he is!”
Fast-forward a couple weeks until production starts. I was on camera team thus I was always on the set and saw everyone who came and left the soundstage. Brian was there, of course, with his camera snapping pictures of everyone working. At numerous times we had to position the camera away from the crew (such as in an unused room on the set) where typically only the camera operator and assistant camera operator needed to be to get the shot. On several of those occasions, Brian would be back there with us, typically not taking pictures. When I would look away from the camera he would always be looking at me. I didn’t want to stare back or anything because another crew member was with us, and I didn’t want to risk getting caught. On another occasion our camera team had rotated so I was in another room loading film in to an extra camera magazine. Once I was done I returned to the set, put the mag to one side and went and took a seat next to the other crew members. I looked down at my phone to text someone and I could feel a hole being burned in to my head. I looked up and there he was. He was sitting there just looking right at me. Our eyes locked and I felt like we had a moment. Again, I unwillingly ruined the moment because of my nerves and pulled a ridiculous face, smiled at him, and returned to my texting. I remember he never smiled back when I did that and I again just sat there kicking myself on the inside for possibly ruining another chance. When I was called back up to continue filming I walked over to the set and took my position. Next thing I look up and he’s stood in a faux doorway on the set on his own just watching us work. I don’t know if he was just interested in seeing the camera department working or not but I thought he was definitely there because he liked me.

Additionally, on a break we were all scattered across the set eating our meals. He was sat on some scenic and props (desk, chair, etc) eating his meal while I was across the room eating mine. I looked over and he was looking right at me again. I locked on to his eyes again and we just looked at each other for what seemed like eternity. I can’t remember who looked away first, but I again got that feeling and told myself “maybe I do have a chance!”

After the production wrapped there was a party at a friend’s house. I never really party but I knew Brian would be there so I decided to make an appearance. When we first acknowledged each other’s presence he gave me a hug and we had a brief conversation before we went to talk to other groups of people. Eventually we ended up back in the same group talking. This being after several beers of course, so we had all loosened up. I noticed him looking my way on several instances, and at one point he even called me out in front of our group after looking at me extensively and asked me “hey ****, you should join the communist party with me…” (He’s a self-proclaimed communist and makes it known by wearing said artifacts.) Of course I was pretty drunk and all I could think of saying was “sure! Do I get a necklace too?!” I don’t quite remember what was said after that, but I don’t think he found the humor in it that I did. He had also hugged me several other times that night as well. Shortly before I left, he saw me walk back in to the house with several girls from our class, to which he followed us in to the kitchen, and again, he was looking at me and no one else. It was very loud inside and I couldn’t catch everything everyone was saying, but I can vividly recall him saying something along the lines of “I wanna fuck the shit out of you!” He said it from across a group of people though, so I’ve been debating whether those are the actual words he said. After he left (and hugged me for a final time) I felt no reason to stay and left. I got quite upset that night and I decided to text him. We had never texted each other before so I was unsure if he was going to answer. I had got his number off of the call sheet so I told him who it was and I asked him if he went to another party, and all he said back was “yeah, why?” I told him I was looking to go somewhere else, to which I got no reply. Two days later I saw him at school for a study session and he commented on the text in a very friendly manner. During the study session several incidences occurred in class that made everyone laugh. Each time I looked over at him (two seats down) he would just be smiling at me. At the end of the session he came up to me and hugged me again, this time for longer than usual, and he muttered something that I didn’t hear. I have texted him several times since, and all I get is one return text from him, usually containing few words. I have since taken his number out of my phone so I’m not tempted to contact him. I’ve yet to actually receive a text from him first.

 

[madman411]

After the shoot was our Winter Break, so I didn’t get to see him for two weeks. The proceeding class is a post production class where we edit the actual films, and from students who already took the class, I was aware that you had to chose a partner from the production group you were in. Over the break I speculated about how I could possibly ask him to be my partner to edit the film. I would then tell myself “no, he has many closer friends in our group that he would probably much rather choose to work with.” I wished he would be my partner but deep down I knew it wouldn’t ever happen. On our first day of class I got there incredibly early… early enough that the teacher wasn’t even there to open up the Avid editing lab. I took a seat around the corner from the classroom and started talking to another kid in our class. Next thing I know Brain comes walking around the corner. It was particularly awkward at first, but then he initiated contact with me instead of the three other people who were also waiting. We talked back and forth around the group until we saw that it was time for class to start. We walked back to the classroom and went in. There was one editing station open on the front row and Brian took it because his friend was on the station next to it. I thought to myself “I’m not even going to say anything” so I made my way further back to an open station. Before I could even sit down Brian turned around and said “*****, come sit!” He patted the chair next to him and I immediately felt my heart melt. Was this my wish coming true? Is it fate? Does he really like me? Or is this just coincidence? Regardless, I took a seat next to him and my nerves got the best of me. I found it so hard to answer him when he talked to me but I loved every second of it. I will admit, it was fairly awkward because of my lack of a social life. After that class I left with a friend and he did the same. In the parking lot he yelled out “Fine *****, don’t say bye!” I apologized and asked him if he was going to go to the movie a bunch of us had planned to see that night. He said no, and I just said bye. My friend who I was with then commented to me “Oh, Brian, yeah he seems cool. I get weird vibes from him though.” I then asked “what kind of vibes?” to which he replied, “Gay vibes, dude.” I just shook my head but inside I was beaming. Someone else noticed!
The next class one of the first things he said to me was “I don’t wanna be your partner any more…” I frowned, just looked at him and said “ok…” He grinned and that’s how it ended. I still to this day can’t figure out if he was being sarcastic or not, or whether he then felt bad and just dismissed the situation. Regardless, I was still his partner. While we’re editing I can see him looking at me through the corner of my eye, and most of the time I don’t know when he’s going to do it (his glances are really brief) so I never have an opportunity to look back at him. Sometimes I’m under the impression that he is flirting with me, but I look past it (I still don’t know for sure whether he does in fact like me.) It’s weird being with him sometimes because he has begun speaking in a high-language-type-way with me (very formal and uses a lot of big words) and I don’t always understand what he’s saying or where he’s going with the conversation. I feel like he thinks I’m dumb when I have nothing to say to his well thought out statements. I’ve also begun learning of his musical tastes and hobbies. He really likes heavy metal and rock. He plays electric guitar and is a big video gamer. None of those qualities reflect any gay guy I know. I can’t see a gay man liking heavy metal and video games? Another reason I think he’s straight.

**By the way, props to you for reading on this far. I know this is long. Shouldn’t be too much longer. **

On other class days I’ve seen him talking to his best friend sitting next to him and they’ll both look at me as though they’ve been discussing me or something involving me, and he refuses to tell me what he’s been talking about. All the while he’s just smiling and snickering at the fact he’s teasing me. Just the other day the same situation happened again, and he said to his friend “[laughing] no that’ll embarrass me!” while looking at me. He refused to tell me what he was talking about, and why it would embarrass him. A similar incident occurred today. His friend was sick and was not in class, so I had more one-on-one time with him. While we were editing he asked me an extremely random question in that charming, teasing way about him… almost as though he was implying something. He looked right at me and asked, “do you ever have any premonitions?” I was surprised at first. I asked, “like what?” to which he said, “I don’t know; like something that’s going to happen in the future?” My first instinct was that he was implying that we were going to hook up, get together, kiss for the first time or something. I don’t know, but I thought it meant something between us. I told him “yeah, but usually it’s just wishful thinking…” I didn’t know what else to say. I thought that would perhaps hint at him or something. I asked him if he did and he said “yes.” I asked him what, and he just smiled and refused to tell me. It seemed like he enjoyed teasing me with the situation. I perhaps asked him what his premonitions were 7 times throughout the class until he finally decided to tell me (almost in a way to get me off of his back.) He mentioned something about something bad happening and that I should get my concealed weapons permit before anything bad happens. He told me that his premonitions won’t come true if he tells me and that they usually come true with the exception of one that he had. I’m still not sure what he was talking about, but I can’t help but think they were about me. Without making this story too much longer, Brian had also touched my thigh several times when talking to me, but then I just think about how touchy-feely he is with everyone. He had also told me he loved me several times, but he does that with a lot of people too.

Tonight in class we had a couple in-depth conversations. Up until this point the topic of girls had rarely been discussed, and he never asked me my opinion of girls, if I liked anyone, or if I thought any girls were hot. I asked him if he was depressed and if he’s ever been in love, and if he would ever get married and have kids, etc. He told me that he wasn’t depressed (contradicting something he actually said earlier in the class) and that he had been in love before and she loved him (and then he said something to explain whey their love ended – I don’t really remember.) In response to whether he would get married or not, he said no and that he wanted to live his life as his life and do what he wanted to do. He went on to talk about how he’s “fucked” a bunch of girls before and he never had any regard for their feelings or them in general. He stated that he doesn’t really care about people, and just himself. This gave him “straight points” and lots of them. But could he be lying? It seemed too blunt to be a lie, but this kid is smart, so I wouldn’t put it past him.

There’s just one more notable incident I’d like to describe and then this paper will be over with J. One night after class he had parked next to me at school. While I was about to reverse he stood and doodled around behind my car so I couldn’t get out. He then stopped and came down the side of the car. I rolled down my window and called him a jerk (jokingly). He then said something to me (which I can’t remember for the life of me) and then he reached in to the car with his left hand as though he wanted me to put my hand on his. I did and we interlocked our fingers for a good 5 seconds +. He was looking at me the whole time as far as I know. He then pulled back and as he turned to get in his car, he looked at me and said “I love you ****.” What the hell am I supposed to think? The kid who doesn’t have any regard for anyone else just told me he loved me again after squeezing my hand!?? It was so romantic yet so random! What’s this kid doing to me? I love him, but at the same time I think that I shouldn’t because he’s not gay. I just can’t help it. Is this just wishful thinking or am I going crazy? Would you even consider these things signs? We start a long break in two weeks, and I want to clear this up before that time.

Thanks for reading this. I don’t get to vent this stuff much so it kinda built up as you can see. I left out other minor incidences that didn’t seem relevant (actually, it’s because this was long enough.) I just want to know what the hell is going on so I can begin to make any necessary moves, or, just get over him before our month long break coming up where I’ll obsess over missing him the whole time and I’ll just be miserable! Is there something I could say when we’re sat down together? A question to ask him to see what response he will give? Anything?

Thanks for your input! I'll take anything at this stage!

 

[B_Nick8]

I don't think he's straight.

I think it will happen.

I think this whole story is kind of sweet and romantic.

I think you need to start being a little less shy and a little more direct.

I think he's a man with a mission. :wink:

 

[Chase1600]

What a nice story.

As someone who really had a sorry habit of falling for straight guys in college, my instinct is to discourage. But you seem to describe someone who has real feelings for you; who may be gay and very closeted about it; who may be thinking symbiotic things about you.

I’d also point out that your story reads as if he wrote the book on seduction.

Why not keep raising the ante. Invite him to spend more time with you; I suppose it’s unworkable to invite him for an overnighter – or for the two of you to go somewhere overnight. I don’t suggest an overnighter to “see what happens in bed” although if something did, there you go. It just sounds as if it would be nice if the two of you could spend some substantial time together, away from others, and not just quick passbys.

Although you are probably very nervous, and excited, making it difficult to initiate some casual things, doing some ordinary things together would give you an opportunity to develop a relationship of any sort.

Whatever else, if you really are in love with him, ain’t love grand? How ever it plays, be confident that he must be fairly super or you wouldn’t love him and whatever you want, you will want what is best for him and for you.

At some point, maybe a while yet, it might come time to own up to your feelings. Right now, just let your feelings show. If I read correctly, you’re doing something right because he sure seems interested in you.

 

[Brick7]

Stop thinking about labels and trust your heart.

 

[ericbythebay]

Go for it, what are you waiting for.

Make some excuse to Go to his place. Ask to see all these photos he keeps taking.

 

[SpeedoMike]

ask him to have coffee after class. if he can't, immediately suggest something else in a day rtwo. probably he is waiting to see how you react to his attention. "escalate" the conversation to a more personal level, like something more personal about yourself, and ask him something personal in return.

even if he's scared shitless, remember that he initiated the conversation.

if you need to, role play the situation. think of answers he might give you and what remark you will make. that oughta build your confidence.

don't let him get away!

 

[D_Anton_Pavlovich_Jerkhov]

Stop thinking about labels and trust your heart.

I will second this, but somehow I think this guy (the "straight" one) is somewhat immature. He may even be in love with you, too, but I am wondering if he will be able to sustain a genuine relationship with you.

I may be wrong. Anyway, I apologize for sounding a little too blunt.

And are you really in love with him? Do you feel it in your body?

 

[bored2009]

Id say go for what you feel. Respond back.

But i do understand your shy side and i know its hard, because im the same as you. Shy and kind of withdrawn from being social. But there comes times you have to push yourself to get what you want.

 

[D_Jared Padalicki]

Loving someone is hard, especially with feedback like that. Don't give up man, it is tough, but worthed in the end.

 

[Smartalk]

I totally agtree with everything everyone has said. Go for it you have nothing to loose but everything to gain. All this mixed emotions and uncertainty can't be doing you any good. If you take the plunge and he rejects you, which I dont think he will, you will at least know where you stand and can move on with you life.

Good luck my friend, please let us know how things progress no matter how long it is. Really enjoyed reading your story

 

[RSMH]

Lots of good methods and experiences are in different parts of this thread:

http://www.lpsg.org/33652-straight-guys-jacking-off-friends.html


***
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[D_Doe_Ray_Mi]

Your epilog speaks to the heartache of making assumptions and fears. Remember that F.E.A.R is only Fantasized Expectations Appearing Real. I hate to see you torturing yourself like this. Dude, you are a man, gay or not. You've got balls. Use them and ask for what you want! I get that you are young and I'm not so old as to not recall the excitement and confusion that are so much a part of falling and being in love but you are in control here and can steer this. Love is like this so take a chance. It's the only way you are going to know. Ask him out or to do something alone with you, even coffee, where you two can talk without so many distractions and opportunities to avoid and escape. You seem like a great and caring guy. Good luck!

 

[madman411]

Hey guys, thanks for the input. It's sort of difficult because I've received such mixed signals from him. The whole conversation about him being with many girls seemed so true and he was dead serious about it, so I took that as a warning that I shouldn't continue. He seems so sweet and then he tells me he "genuinely doesn't care about other people except himself" which took me by surprise. From what I've heard he comes from quite a bit of money, so maybe he lets that get to his head? Regardless, I don't see him for another two days, but I'll start "the ball rolling" (if you will) when I see him next and just work off of his responses.

Btw, thanks for telling me you enjoyed reading my story. I always feel like I can never get the point across the way I see and feel it. And as for loving him, maybe that was a bad word to use. I most certainly have feelings for the boy. I can't not watch him and notice what he does when we're around each other... I almost consider it a distraction. I've even cried myself to sleep on a couple of occasions while I just mill over the situation in my head. Maybe a better word would be infatuated?

 

[DaveyR]

Hey guys, thanks for the input. It's sort of difficult because I've received such mixed signals from him. The whole conversation about him being with many girls seemed so true and he was dead serious about it, so I took that as a warning that I shouldn't continue. He seems so sweet and then he tells me he "genuinely doesn't care about other people except himself" which took me by surprise. From what I've heard he comes from quite a bit of money, so maybe he lets that get to his head? Regardless, I don't see him for another two days, but I'll start "the ball rolling" (if you will) when I see him next and just work off of his responses.

Btw, thanks for telling me you enjoyed reading my story. I always feel like I can never get the point across the way I see and feel it. And as for loving him, maybe that was a bad word to use. I most certainly have feelings for the boy. I can't not watch him and notice what he does when we're around each other... I almost consider it a distraction. I've even cried myself to sleep on a couple of occasions while I just mill over the situation in my head. Maybe a better word would be infatuated?

From what I remember of reading you full account of the situation (very well written I will say) I think he is scared of giving you too many signals. He is testing the ground with you to see what your reaction is but covering his ass with these stories of fucking women in case you reject him. If you were to reject him he can then say "Hey may you picked me up all wrong I'm into women".

I read his words of not caring about other people but himself as "I really want to care about other people but don't know where to start".

From what you have said I think you have nothing to lose. If it were me I'd sit him down and tell him how it is. "Hey I really really like you and if I'm reading the signs right you feel the same way. If I got it wrong then I'm sorry but hope we can remain great friends" Then I'd shut up let him talk and observe him closely.

That's me and I'm basing this on only your side of the events. It has to be your call. Good luck. :smile:

 

[D_Doe_Ray_Mi]

. . . "but I'll start "the ball rolling" (if you will) when I see him next and just work off of his responses."

Have you ever heard that doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is the first sign of insanity? What I've quoted above, "just work off of his responses." is exactly that. Get it? Go for what you want! You keep interpreting his responses as discouraging. Yes, " I just mill over the situation in my head." i.e., making assumptions which is not reality! Tell him how you feel. Take a risk, man!

. . . and good points Davey!

 

[madman411]

ejacman,

I think that this whole situation has made me a little insane now you mention it. I do however understand what you're saying though. I'm going to work on it, I promise

 

[Mastur]

He might also just be a straight guy having a crush on you and who's open and willing to have some sex fun with you, but nothing more... Whatever you decide to do, be prudent with your emotions. Too many gay guys get their fingers burnt with horny, sexually ambivalent straight guys.

 

[chrwl007]

Madman, after reading all your posts I've come to the conclusion that your straight friend isn't all that straight. Your one other friend mentioned that he seems gay, and from all his interactions with you it is quite possible.

Like the other posters have said - just go for it. It might be that he's just talking about girls in a certain way to make him appear more straight.