I told my GF that I am bisexual

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Imported, Feb 26, 2005.

  1. Imported

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    blackmanx: Greetings.


    I am a young black man living in Boston. I am also a college student. I've been going out with this girl named Wendy for 6 months.



    I recently told her that I was a bisexual male. She was mad. She was in denial about it. I told her that I loved her and had been faithful to her for the whole time that we were together. She said that she needed time to think about it.....she came back 3 weeks later and said that she wanted to give our relationship one more chance.


    She's told me that she's been reading books on bisexuality and even watching videos in an effort to understand me. That's not all. She seems to think that I will only love her if she acts more masculine. I like her as a girl, thank you very much. She's shaved her hair and dresses like a guy now. That's not all. She bought a SEX TOY to USE on ME !!!! and I have always been freaked out by sex toys and such. I dont want to go through with it. I also want her to become a normal girl again. I just wish things could go back to the way they were. I care for her a lot and want to be with her. I want her to stop the freakiness.


    How do I do that ?
     
  2. Lex

    Lex
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    32 married AFAM male here, bro. Married 8 years with two young kids. I came out ot my wife a while back and we have been working through it. While initially very difficult, it has been the most amazing thing I have ever done. I feel truly free now.

    My story is here:
    http://www.lpsg.org/forum/index.php?showtopic=10364


    There are websites and support groups for Mixed Orientation Marriages and relationships. Info is posted in this thread:
    http://www.lpsg.org/forum/index.php?showtopic=11088


    You need to be clear to your GF that you want her to be a woman. Your liking men has nothing to do with how butch she acts. I mean, when you want masculine action, you'll find a man. I know from discussing this openly with my wife that there are lots of fears and insecuritites involved:

    Will he eventually discover that he's gay and leave me?

    Will he eventually become disinterested in me?

    Why do I have to share his with another man?

    I would let her know that if she wants to understand you, she can begin by talking with you, asking you questions and listening to you. My wife seeks to understand the types of men I am most attracted to (musclebears) and since I came out we can now sit down and discuss both of our strange attractions to Tony Soprano.

    In essence, reading some book won't necessarily give her any new insight into you. I would suggest that she read the posts of other women who are successfully navigating this path in order to gain more insight into herself. Does that make sense?
     
  3. DenBoy

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    Congratulations to those of you with the guts to tell your girlfriend or wife!

    I too am a bisexual male. I’ve never had the courage to tell a girlfriend that I also like guy’s, and this could be the reason why I am still single at 36. My sexually experiences were strictly heterosexual until I entered college where I felt free enough to start exploring my homosexual side, although I tried to be very discreet about it. After college and grad school I went almost entirely straight, including getting engaged to a woman at 28. I really don’t think that my bisexuality had anything to do with the end of that relationship. I was totally faithful to her, and stayed almost exclusively heterosexual for a year and half after the relationship ended. I do however, think that how badly that relationship ended and the fact that I am unable to be totally honest with a woman about my sexuality has kept me from entering into another permanent relationship.

    Since that time I have mostly just had hookups with members of both sexes, although I do have a few regular guy hook ups and I am not so deeply in the closet, I on occasion frequent gay establishments and hope I don’t see anyone I know. In some ways I have become a sex fiend taking whoever I can get if we’re both turned on. I still have no desire to enter into a permanent or exclusive relationship with another man, and would still like to marry and have children, but I haven’t dated a woman for more than 2 months in a row in the last 7 years.

    On a less serious note Blackmanx are you crazy a woman with a strapon is an unfulfilled fantasy of mine, although I can totally understand the dislike of the butch look and act.
     
  4. Imported

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    carolinacurious: While it's a shame that the things she did for you aren't what you wanted and you clearly need to discuss it, do keep in mind all that she so willingly did for you. She definitely gets an A for effort and for thought in my book.

    Good luck.
     
  5. Knight

    Knight New Member

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    Well for one your gf has definitely gone off the deep end. And are you SURE you're gay? I mean its not exactly clear cut, what you like sexually and I would have thought a gay man would be okay with sex toys? How can they freak you out? I would have words with your girlfriend and just tell her you like her as a girl, and you're turned off by her trying to be something she's not and you'd love her more if she could just be herself around you, that'd be best for both of you. Tell her if she doesn't change you can't stay around her. It's got to be that honest or else you can just be stuck with her being like she is. A line needs to be drawn my friend. Good luck.
     
  6. B_DoubleMeatWhopper

    B_DoubleMeatWhopper New Member

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    He never said that he's gay; he said he's bisexual. They are not the same thing! And though he didn't mention what kind of sex toy, I've got my suspicion. I am gay, and I don't want anyone trying to stick a vibrator up my ass! :eek:
     
  7. D_Martin van Burden

    D_Martin van Burden Account Disabled

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    I agree with what Knight and some others have shared. It seems like your girlfriend is trying to compensate for your attraction for men by blurring her own gender lines. Thinking of that, I can't help but wonder if she's really happy dressing like a guy and butching up for your sake. If the situation were reversed and I were involved, I would have a very difficult, if not impossible, time trying to act more womanly... out of a fear that that's what my girlfriend really wants and she'll leave me for something I can't control (gender).

    It sounds like she's scared, so there's the perfect opportunity to put your fears to rest. Instead of hiding, opt for disclosure. Don't just tell her that you've been faithful; tell her that you will continue to be faithful just as before, and tell her that you like her for who she is -- a woman, and all those attractive qualities she has -- as opposed to what she's not -- a person with a dick attached. And with time, and if she's ready, give her some education. She's reading some literature on her own, but your experience isn't necessarily covered by some textbook on queer theory, y'know.
     
  8. jonb

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    Yeah, there's a huge difference between bisexuality and homosexuality. It's called members of the opposite sex. Women might freak if you say you're gay; partners of either gender might freak if you say you're bi.

    Some gay/bi guys aren't even into anal; those who are may or may not be into bottoming.
     
  9. jdoe86

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    I think if you are serious about her, you need to go to couples therapy. I think there is something deeper in her reaction to your news. Going off the deep end as she did maybe a cry for attention or help.
     
  10. Ecchi

    Ecchi New Member

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    I was very lucky to have a g/f who doesn't mind me being bi, and who didn't struggle with it. She loved me enough to accept it and welcome it, and encourage me to seek out someone to fulfill that side of me.
     
  11. Standard Deviant

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    1. It's good that you told her.
    2. It's awfully sweet of her to want to try so hard to be sensitive to your needs.
    3. You need to sit her down and have a long heart to heart thanking her for caring so much but making her know exactly how YOU are, not what the videos or books tell her about bisexuals in general.
    4. You need to assure her you loved her just the way she was, and you wish she wouldn't change!
    5. She is scared that if she doesn't provide the male component, you'll seek it elsewhere. You'll have to tell her either you don't think you'll need to do that for some time, or you might need to do it soon, but she absolutely will not supply both male and female, that you want her to be the female only!

    I thought I was totally hetero until I was 22-23, then suddenly began to realize I loved the idea of being able to be with people of both genders, like you, very separately, not she-males or butch women or whatever. My wife of 27 years is super-feminine, and very understanding. We tried to have a 3rd person for quite a few years, but it never lasted with the few who were compatible enough to try it with, and my sexual adventures were far and few between and I was mostly over with them by age 28. It's hard enough to find ONE person you're compatible with and can stay with for a long time. Now I'm pretty much resigned to monogamy and fantasy, and yes it can be frustrating but guess what? Life always is! You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometime, you get what you need. (Plato.)

    yeh kidding about the quote of course


    :eyes:
     
  12. surferboy

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    Kinda goin on with what yer saying, I've known I was attracted to both sexes when I hit puberty (which is when everyone disovers what they're attracted to). But like, lately, my diesire towards being with a woman have disappeared. I mean, I don't like labeling sexuality, but I'm gay.
     
  13. Pene_Negro_Grande

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    Wow Surferboy...First - welcome back...Haven't seen you around in awhile...Second is we kinda joined around the same time and you have evolved quite a bit from the 70 hetro/30 homo...Curious as what brought on the serious change here...Good to have you back again...
     
  14. surferboy

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    Thanks for the welcome back! I can't explain it. Like, I just don't have the desire to boff a chick anymore. None. Oh well, I don't care as long as I'm happy.
     
  15. Pene_Negro_Grande

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    Cool...Totally respect that...Although I may have an attraction for guys, my attraction for women sexually is overwhelming at times but good luck and stay happy...
     
  16. B_DoubleMeatWhopper

    B_DoubleMeatWhopper New Member

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    So now it's time to teach Nix the secret handshake...
     
  17. jeepwranglerboi

    jeepwranglerboi New Member

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    So now it's time to teach Nix the secret handshake...
    [post=289539]Quoted post[/post]​
    [/b][/quote]
    I wonder if he'll get the blender, the waffle iron or the George Foreman Grill. Hmmm..... :hug:
     
  18. B_DoubleMeatWhopper

    B_DoubleMeatWhopper New Member

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    I wonder if he'll get the blender, the waffle iron or the George Foreman Grill. Hmmm..... :hug:
    [post=289625]Quoted post[/post]​
    [/b][/quote]

    I think he's butch enough to merit the George Foreman grill. Anyone who has evidence to the contrary, speak now or forever hold your piece! :party:
     
  19. BCH

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    I think I want to meet surferboy :) No, you sound like you have it together for a young guy...good for you! I am gay, and if I broke up with my BF and found a girl that I was into, I wouldn't say no, but I know that I would probably want to stray to the dark side :) at some point.

    On a funy note - Go black you never go back (I haven't crossed that bridge) and go gay...stay that way.

    Just keeping it fun :)
     
  20. Pappy

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    I think he's butch enough to merit the George Foreman grill. Anyone who has evidence to the contrary, speak now or forever hold your piece! :party:
    [post=289655]Quoted post[/post]​
    [/b][/quote]

    Yes he is and he's cute enough to get all three.
     
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