I tried, I really tried....

Discussion in 'Et Cetera, Et Cetera' started by davidjh7, Feb 21, 2007.

  1. davidjh7

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    First, let me preface this my stating that this is a self indulgent, stupid, poor little me rant, that I certainly have no right to foist off on anybody. Feel free to hit the back button now. Please. Nothing worthwhile to see here. Go ahead, I'll wait.....Still here? Then I apologize for wasting your time. There are so many people here, in the world in general, and right next door that are suffering so much, that life has kicked around far more than me, and deserve a forum, but don't have one. I'm having a weak moment, and have to get this out to something or someone other than my own brain. I have nobody else to talk to about any of this, because those who know me in person are either not close enough, or are part of the cause. My friends, my family, my peers in general, have shown me something, and I can't get past it. I have no value. I have use, but no value. A diamond has value in and of itself, because others value it. You would dig a diamond out of a pile of shit, and clean it off, and consider yourself lucky to have found it, because it has intrinsic value to you, and everybody else. I, on the other hand, am useful. I am toilet paper---something you need, and is great to have around, to wipe your shit on, but nothing you would want to keep around after you used it--it is worthless, and you flush it away and feel good for doing so. I can't get past that for as long in my life as I can remember, this has been the case. The only time I am not invisable, or looked down on, is when someone wants or needs something from me. THen, as soon as it is provided, I am dogshit again. And this came from those around me. When I was younger, and hadn;t had much outside experience with other people, I had a healthy self esteem. I thought I looked decent--not gorgeous, but decent. I thought I had a decent head on my shoulders. I believed that someone would like me for me, want me for me. That was definately a hard lesson to learn, how untrue it all was. Your worth is truly set by others---it doesn;t matter how much you love, or give, or serve, or struggle. It only matters how much you are loved, how much you are desired, how much you are wanted, how much you are treasured by those in your life. And if others don't value you, you are worthless. You can lie to yourself to keep going, but it doesn;t change the facts. I don't need or want sympathy. I know you are hurting, too. I know that someone shit on you, probably today, and that the last thing you want is some whiney old bastard complaining poor poor pitiful me. I wish I had the things that people value in another person. Looks. Brains. Money. Athletic ability. A great body. A big dick. Something, anything that is truly valued. All I have to offer is what I can give. And that just makes me useful. Whenever I have had one of these moments on here, people have been increadibly kind and supportive, and have responded with insight, compassion, and when appropriate, really good advice. And it made a difference. And I AM truly thankful. But it is always a response, never initiated. Its the " damn I'm put of toilet paper" syndrome---you forget about it until you need it, or it is brought to your attention, but otherwise, it is out of sight, out of mind. And there isn;t a damn thing I can do about it, because the things people value are the things you have been blessed with, inherently, that are a physical part of you, and that sans major plastic surgery, there isn;t a damn thing you can do about it. And Michael Jackson proved that surgery doesn;t really work, either. So, I'm sorry. I really am. I'm sorry I don't have the things that you value, that make you want to know me, or care about me, or even think of me. I wish I did. All I can do is be useful. To care about you. To nurture you. To offer something useful to say, or a helping hand. To find things in you that are valuable, that people will treasure. I wish it was enough for you. I wish it was enough for me. But we are all people, and we are programmed so deeply in these things, that thousands of years of evolution haven;t bred it out of us. So I guess its here to stay. I am who I am at my core, as are others. I won't stop being useful, because that is all I am. I'll try to refrain from these outbursts, but unfortunately, I am human, too. Moderators, feel free to delete this--it has no real value. It is just a way for me to get it from my own mind, and somewhere else, so I can sleep, and face another day. Thank you for this forum, and opportunity to post. I don't deserve it when there are so many hurting so much worse. But I do appreciate it. Good night....
     
  2. B_Hickboy

    B_Hickboy New Member

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    Stop looking at other people. Stop comparing yourself to others. Figure out what it is that YOU want from life and go for it, and never beat yourself up for not making your goals on time.

    I'm not going to delete your post, but I think you need to get a good night's sleep, young man.
     
  3. Ethyl

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    Your honesty, sharp mind, sincerity, keen insight, and humour shines through in your posts. All give you immense value as an individual. Everyone needs to rant and get things off their chest once in a while. Now you've done it. Speaking as someone who has been hwhere you are among others who treat you as something useful only to them, please remember this:

    No one can mistreat you or abuse you unless you allow it.

    When you truly believe your self-worth, you won't allow people to be disrespectful to you no matter what the cost and it is sometimes a high price to pay. I've lost "friends" and pissed off family members because I wouldn't allow them to mistreat me. I'd rather have fewer people in my circle who respect me than tons of "friends" who are only concerned with what I can do for them.

    I've enjoyed reading your posts because of all the things I described above and noticed other posters have commented on these things as well. It takes time to fully realise these things about oneself. I am often hardest on myself when I shouldn't be.

    Take care of yourself. You deserve it. That includes not allowing people to tell you who you are or that of which you're capable. Ignore those who would diminish your special qualities and talents. Focus on developing them. If you lose a few so-called friends because you won't listen to their drivel or do what they want, so be it. You're better off without them. The kind of people you've described will never care about your well-being or encourage you in any endeavour. Do yourself a favour. Think about what you would do differently if you could. What's stopping you? Most likely yourself. Don't be your worst enemy. Be your own best friend. You'll be amazed at what you can do when you are.
     
  4. DC_DEEP

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    David, MercurialBliss has said it far more eloquently than I possibly could have.

    I have gone through periods in my life where I allowed others to determine my self-worth. Guess what? If you do allow others that power, they will take advantage of it. They will assign great usefulness and very little value to you, if you let them. They get a great deal of return on their emotional investment. Shit. If you can take from someone without having to give back anything in return, general human nature is to grab it while you can. These people are expecting you to be a good and devoted friend to them (which requires much from you) but are not willing to be a good and devoted friend to you. Fuck that.

    It won't be easy, but please try to adopt MB's philosophy of having just a few real friends, rather than a sea of acquaintances. When someone comes back asking for something, after being "unavailable" when you needed something, tell them "sorry, I'm busy." Period. Stop giving to those who won't give back. Family, friends, coworkers, it doesn't matter. Stop being the bottomless pit of support, and be selfish for a while.

    In case you haven't noticed, you do have some friends and admirers here on LPSG. It's a start.

    P. S. I will personally paddle your ass if you continue to use appearance as an excuse. Don't beat yourself up, there are plenty of users in the world willing to do it for you. Some of us actually do prefer substance to appearance. Not all of us like the "twink look." Not all of us are attracted to youngsters. Break out of your self-imposed glass box.
     
  5. Pecker

    Pecker Retired Moderator
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    I was going to sing the Artful Dodger's "Consider Yourself" but then I got to the part about the furniture... :tongue:

    David, you're a brother here. We look forward to your posts. They're an important part of what LPSG is about.

    I know you're in pain and you've done the right thing in coming to us so that we may, in some small way, try to bring a smile to your life. Hang in there, buddy.
     
  6. Gillette

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    A diamond is nothing more than a hard light reflecting bauble. The only reason it has "value" is because we are told it does. Remember the civet shitted coffee beans? Just because enough people have stated that it's wonderful crap doesn't make it any less crap. A diamond will never comfort someone, a diamond cannot of itself warm a heart.

    The fact that you reach out to others in need gives you worth, a far better thing than mere value. For every smile you bring, for every thought you provoke, for every person you elevate your worth is proven time and again.

    If you want to know your intrinsic value by the same comparison by which a diamond is valued (by the dollar) check out black market organ prices. You shouldn't compare yourself to a diamond, it may have an associated dollar value but it's a worthless rock. I'd much rather have a pair of arms to support me than a pretty stone anyday.
     
  7. B_cigarbabe

    B_cigarbabe New Member

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    Hey David, please don't beat up on yourself.I think everyone has mentioned all the things I had thought, would offer you some consolation.
    When I got rid of all the people who only called me, because they needed something, I was so much happier! Ditto for those who treated me badly.
    You seem to be such a sweet, smart, and good natured guy, and I think you are just ducky! Be good to yourself!
    Miki
     
  8. Shelby

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    You are a very sensitive man. That is a good thing but it can hurt like hell.

    Best wishes.
     
  9. fortiesfun

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    I'm extraordinarily surprised by this post, not because I don't understand the feeling, but because I am not sure the premise really is right.

    It is hard for me to think of anything about me that is valuable in, and of, itself. Except for models, who can be famous just for being beautiful I guess, I am not sure that people are genuinely valued for anything but utility.

    We want and need each other, but that doesn't mean we are just "using" one another, or that we forget each other instantly when the immediate use is done.

    But if I were to think about "qualities" that I admire in the abstract, two big ones are intelligence and compassion. You seem to have both in abundance. (Plus, I actually think you are physically sexy also, but I am afraid that superficial observation could be misinterpreted.)

    So here is my two cents worth: I am wondering if living in Bellevue isn't keeping you just isolated enough from the gay social community that you are finding yourself depressed from just not having enough contact with people who are more like you. I know it is not like Bellevue has no gay men in it, but the culture there has always struck me as far more closeted than Seattle, and so far away from San Fransisco or New York as to be chilling to the soul. It is perhaps true that you are not valued enough in your life, but that may a situational circumstance rather than a universal truth.

    What are the chances that you could improve your homosociality? I don't know enough about your living situation to suggest changing it, but is a vacation, roadtrip, or once-a-week commitment to some place more apt to see your virtues possible?

    Though I know everyone is trying to help, I am not among those who think that you can just stop feeling the way you feel even if it is unjustified to the outside observer. I do think you might be able to adjust your circumstances, however.

    In any case, I am glad you brought your issue here, as this is a community that clearly does value you. Your name pops up repeatedly for praise in threads that invite such things, always unbidden, because unlike many of us you do not ever beg for recognition. You are a good person, and deserve happiness.
     
  10. DGirl

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    davidjh7, Feel free to PM me ANYTIME you need a friendly ear ..." We can HELP each other.." I too feel like crap sometimes.." But, everyone in this CRAZY world has a PURPOSE......." REMEMBER that...." So your NOT TOILET PAPER YOU ARE WAY MORE THAN THAT.."
     
  11. YourAvgGuy

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    David,

    We all go through those time were we feel we are constantly giving - where people are sucking the life out of us. Sometimes it is just human nature. That is unfortunate. But, the flip side of that is that it tells us that we are needed. It shows that you are compassionate and that people do value what you have to say, what you have to give.

    Too many times we look on outward physical attribute to equate to the genius of mankind and the beauty, too. I've read your post and must say you have a tremendous beauty that premeates far deeper than many of the people I know. Don't allow yourself to be entrapped by who defines what beauty is or is not. You define it yourself by who you are; you've done a remarkable job of that thus far on this site, by the way!
     
  12. madame_zora

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    David, people tend to cast others in roles, like characters in a movie. You're the "supportive nice guy" so that's how people treat you. They think of you when they need something, but it would never occur to them to just ask how you're doing.

    I was that person for many, many years. My phone rang off the hook with other people's traumas that seemed to just be neverending. See, I DO like to offer support, but I also want to be seen as a human being, not just a utility. I think I can understand how you feel.

    MB made a great suggestion, just tell them you're too busy to deal with it, they'll have to break down on someone else. You could go on to launch into your own tirade about what's going on in your life, then point out that your friends really aren't there for you much and you're lonely. Most of them won't get the hint, even when you're obvious, but at least you'll know then that they are in fact using you for their own comfort, and you can move on to others who will allow more give and take.

    Don't try to appear to have it all together all the time. Your friends will see this as a sign that you are a pillar of strength and that you have plenty to share. Let people see you when you're vulnerable, let them see you when things aren't going great, and they may start seeing you as a multi-dimensional character.

    I get type cast now as the bitch in the group, and that's fine. I know how simple minded most people are, and that's the position I fill in their void. Whatever. The people I know well know me as a person, who like everyone else has a range of strengths and needs. I prefer to have a small group of friends who actually care about me than a whole group of "fans" who really don't give a shit about me other than for their own use.

    You brought up a very important issue, and one that you are surely not alone in dealing with. Your insightfulness and willingness to open up have always made me smile, you add a lot to this place, which people tell you regularly because you are an important part of this group. Unique in many ways, we do give ourselves the opportunity and the credit for being able to address a range of interpersonal issues. Don't have a big wallet, big dick and movie star looks? Welcome to the real world, few people do. In fact, a good many of the posters I value here don't either.

    Do what you can with what you've got, and try to find a very few people who want to open up and make a genuine friend. I would be honoured to call you that, pm me sometime if you feel up to it.

    Jana
     
  13. viking1

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    I really don't know what to say. Other than to tell you that I feel the exact same way. I do understand where you are coming from with this post.

    You are worth just as much as anybody else. That can be hard to realize, I know. I have a big problem with self esteem too. I also just feel "useful" and sometimes I don't even feel that. I have said for years that the only thing I am good for is to work on something mechanical. That's usually all anybody wants me for. If something ain't broke they don't want to see me. It's easy to get into this kind of rut, and hard to get out. Everbody wants to feel cared about and needed.

    You are a kind, caring, and supportive person, and that is worth a lot in my opinion. Worth a lot more than looks, money, physique, big package, ect.
    Although I don't see anything wrong with your looks, physique, or package.
    How many people in real life have all those things, anyway?

    Get out there and find some real friends instead of the advantage takers.
    That's what we all need...someone to really care about and that will care about us. Good luck!
     
  14. AlteredEgo

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    Many warm huggles to you, David.
     
  15. Matthew

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    As you read through this thread, you'll see the quality of people you have in your corner, David; and count me in there too. Hope you can sense your importance to the gang here!
     
  16. SpeedoGuy

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    david:

    I'm worried about the tone I sense in your post and I'm saddened to see you struggling with serious self-image issues.

    You've got a lot of online friends here, I'm one of them. I admire your jokes and friendliness.

    Please PM if you want to talk.

    SG
     
  17. D_Bob_Crotchitch

    D_Bob_Crotchitch New Member

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    David, a lot of us have been in the same situation you're in now. Find a counselor who specializes in treating people who have been emotionally abused. Go, it's worth it. I didn't speak to my parents for almost 8 years because I'd had enough. I had to show them they couldn't treat me like that anymore. My dad wants me dead. My sister wants me dead. She hopes she'll inherit more money and not have to get a job. The people that will love you are the family you are going to have to make for yourself. You need to get help and stop being a victim. When you learn to love yourself, the right kind of people will come to you. You just have to learn how to tell which ones are good and which ones aren't so great.
    People I barely know have been concerned about me since the wreck. People who are supposed to be my great friends haven't contacted me once. So, I marked them off the friend list and went on with adding new people to the list. Learn how to say no without guilt and stick to your guns.
    Take care I know you can make it.
    hootie
     
  18. Gisella

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    You David are such a sweet thoughtfull beautiful guy who maybe are saying more yes and not much nos to people. But look at you now, you finally are tired and overhelmed with this situation, what is good even if you feel bad right now. Sometimes we have to distance from those same old same old going on around and in us.

    Take a day at time and than you will start to build up yourself inside out and do housecleaning. I have open house gift for you! :present:

    Kisses and feel free to PM me too.:wink:
     
  19. Hatched69

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    There's a term for this issue. It's called the "Charmin Syndrome".:tongue: Don't dwell on the negatives too long, you are far too good a person to let the "bastards get you down". Don't be so hard on yourself by pointing out things you don't think you have, you might find out that another person thinks you are the greatest thing since sliced bread. Look at all the things you KNOW you have: good sense of humour, good wit, intelligence, and most importantly, good friends at LPSG!!:biggrin1:
    Best wishes!:smile:
     
  20. hypolimnas

    hypolimnas Well-Known Member

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