But God denies me this gift because he is a homophobe. And why does spell checker say that homophobe is incorrect and the only alternative word/spelling is homophone? Why?
It's like this. In the beginning God created the Heavens and The Earth (and several other planets in case Earth didn't work out). Then he made Adam out of a pound of clay and tossed him into a walled off garden called Eden. These days that would be called a prison. Amazing, one person on Earth and he was in a holding cell.
Anyway, God/Abba/Yahweh whatever name you tag him with, saw Adam was lonely and ripped out one of Adam's ribs and voila-Eve was created. Now Eve was a selfish conniving bitch and wanted everything and more. Including children. At first God put together some more clay and was about to make some children but then the bitch Eve got greedy and yanked the big delicious red apple off the apple tree in the garden-even though it was clearly marked-DO NOT TOUCH OR EAT FROM THIS TREE. Back then, schools hadn't made it to Earth so Eve hadn't learned to read. 'sides which, as said before she wanted everything.
After the apple theft, God got angry and tossed Eve out of the garden and since Adam had gone and had premarital sex with her, he got tossed too. Then God decided that Eve could have children, but not made by him. He reached inside Eve and put a baby holder in her-these days we call it the uterus or something like that. He decided that women for all eternity would suffer the pain of giving birth. And that is why, as a man you cannot have a baby from your own body.
But don't despair!
I am reminded of the movie
Rabbit Test from around 1978. At the time Billy Crystal was playing a qweer/gay/homey-sexual (back then the censors didn't allow homosexual to be said) on the television series
Soap-he was Jody Dallas.
In the film, Billy had cheap gratuitous sex with a female. It's okay, Billy was on the bottom, laying on his back so it was nearly gay. The movie was a riot for the time with Paul Lynde, Alice Ghostly, Norman Fell, Alex Rocco. Doris Roberts as Crystal's mother (years before Everybody Detests Raymond shot her to stardom), it even had former Munchkin Billy Barty and Joan Rivers, before her husband Edgar died and she became obsessed with plastic surgery. A good movie for it's time and for a rainy night.
Anyway, the thing was young Billy was a virgin and his first time with a girl he got pregnant. Yup, he got himself knocked up. I can't recall how he had the baby and I suppose it's better that way. I just tell you this to help you realize that you too can have a baby, although it will involve heterosexual intercourse with a person with XX chromosomes. Perhaps you can place an ad here on LPSG in the Personal Ads section asking for a female with a hairy chest, a mustache and other masculine features (around here, you'll be sure to get several takers).
Seriously, just look into adoption-it'll be a lot lest painful for you and you will be giving a child a loving home.
(And in my spell check homophobe is an allowable word)
(Additional information-after seeing Rabbit Test, I dashed across to the next theater and saw the really crappy I Wanna Hold Your Hand which was about the Beatles trip to the U.S. in 1964 and their appearance on the Ed Sullivan Show. It had among others, the late Paul Newman's daughter Susan in a major role as one of the Jersey girls desperate to see the Beatles perform in NYC)
