I want to have sex with my wife

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by lutherblissett, Feb 17, 2008.

  1. lutherblissett

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    Part One

    My wife has no memory of her life before the approximate age of 12. She has been diagnosed with dissociative amnesia which we are fairly certain is due to abuse by her biological father. Conversations with her two older step siblings and one younger sister have only led to more unanswered questions as they suffer from their own more sever psychiatric problems.

    A few weeks ago I accompanied her to some therapy that was supposed to have revealed all that the subconscious remembers about her childhood. We got some things that couldn't be confirmed by her family for the above stated reasons. Other events my wife says she just finds hard to believe - namely that she suffered "inappropriate touching" sexual abuse at the hands of her father at the age of 8. One element of this that lines up is that at this age, her older sister would have become "too old" for an abusive, psychopathic paedophile, and she had supposedly started to react and fight back, reporting the father to the authorities in the school and community. Hence, he may have turned to my wife to abuse her instead.

    Needless to say this sort of life history has led to some pretty serious challenges in her life. Her parents divorced at about the age of 10 and she and her siblings continued to live with her mother. She realized in her early teen years that she just did not recall any childhood besides random weekends at her grandmothers and a few other events. I met my wife at the age of 15 at a party at the home of a mutual friend of ours. My wife was well-known amongst our little indie rock/skater/weirdo network for being "the hot girl" and funny and was a huge point of discussion amongst the blokes in like 10 different schools. She was outgoing and everyone pretty much thought she was a slut because of the way she looked, where in reality she was pretty choosy about who she dated. We ended up dating very briefly but due to some pretty serious unfortunate events, we had to stop.

    I could never stop thinking about her and in the brief time that we were together we really hit it off well. Every girl after that paled in comparison. I had still been a virgin and was disappointed enough by subsequent girlfriends that I didn't end up losing my virginity until I was 18 to someone who was the next best thing - really a poor substitute for my wife. After university I called her on a whim, this was a full 7 years after the fact. She happened to be single and living about 2 hours away. She asked me out on a date but it took a few months to coordinate. We corresponded via email and she filled me in on what had happened in the years between. I had already an inkling of what her past was like - her and her friends had a pretty sick sense of humor and had alluded once to her dad "fucking" her sister - I knew there was some pretty serious shit from the past. She told me that she had gotten pregnant at 18, and while I must confess this was really disappointing to me, that is very hard for me to admit or even think about now - because that is my stepdaughter and she is a huge part of my life now.

    When we finally met I was blown away - she was pretty much exactly the same except her hair was longer and she seemed a little more rundown, sad, and alone.

    After dinner she invited me back to her house under the premise of meeting her new dog. Her daughter was staying at her grandmother's house. After a lot more catching up and joking about our lives she told me what she did for work - she was doing some random glamour modeling and related activities such as making some solo films for a Swiss company and some webcamming-type things. She made it clear that she absolutely hated "selling her body" - which I didn't really view it as. I let her know that I knew it was really just to be able to have a good life for her daughter as they just had been living alone for 4 years. She was making a lot of money and did not really have to work much and was able to keep it secret from her daughter, family, and pretty much everyone else (she told people she was a freelance web manager). They did have what was a very comfortable life for a single mother - she never asked for any help and did not pursue child support.

    For the first maybe year and a half of our relationship I would take the train every weekend to visit her and that's the time that we would spend together. It was the best possible thing that could have ever happened to me. Here is this girl that I had put up on a pedestal for so long and she really lived up to all of that. We did something new every weekend, a ton of hiking, exploring, driving around the woods, camping, beaches, parties, clubs, cooking, dining out with friends, and I was exploring functioning as a new sort of stepfather role which I must admit was fun. I had definitely never envisioned myself starting a family so young but since we were so young, I think it worked. Her daughter loved all the outdoors, trips, vacations, fairs, music, etc. She was very well-behaved and brilliant. It is clear that she has the complete personality my wife could have had had she not had the opportunity taken away from her at such a young age by an abusive parent.

    The sex was amazing to say the least - and usually would be able to happen about 3 times during the weekend while I was there. She was truly the most beautiful person I had ever seen and 100% my physical "ideal" - natural blonde hair, huge blue eyes, long eyelashes, very pale smooth skin, big nose that indicates to me some serious sexual potency (but that she hates of course), exaggerated cheekbones, 5'4", 120 lbs, very large natural 32dd breasts, tiny waist, tiny legs and a big round butt, even blonde bush (huge turn-on for me) - the kind of girl that you would imagine if she were a glamour model wouldn't have to work much and still make bank. And the first time we slept together she actually asked if I had ever done porn - whenever I get nervous I can't cum, and trust that I was very nervous that night. I have one of the biggest cocks that she's ever seen (7.25 x 5.75"), am uncut, made her cum the first time we slept together (which I was surprised about as that was the first time that had ever happened to me), and when I was finally able to get off after hours of some seriously hot, passionate fucking, surprised even myself with a HUGE, blasting cumshot. She was very happy with the sex and reported that she had not had any for a very long time.

    The nature of her work (being paid for looks) made her depressed and after about a year the sex started to slow down. She blamed it on things really coming to a head with her work and how paranoid she was starting to get that people would start recognizing her - she had actual professional aspirations. After a year and a half she moved to the city and we got a place together. Gradually with my help she was able to change professions and leave all the nakedness behind, and resumed university courses. Even though she continued to get royalty checks, it seems as though she was starting to completely forget about it. However, something changed - her sex drive started to decrease and what I noticed was that she wasn't masturbating or talking about sex anymore. We are always really honest with each other and are not ashamed to admit this kind of stuff. She even stopped watching other porn when she stopped working and I think that is indicative of the gradual shutdown of her sex drive. With the engagement, a little bit of spark came back, and with the subsequent marriage we had a very fun, adventurous, active honeymoon period that lasted about 2 months.
     
  2. lutherblissett

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    Part Two

    At that point, she seemingly "rebelled" against the institution of marriage (we are both very liberal, activist, anti-authoritarian, vegetarian, generally 'weird') and started hanging out with the people from her work. At first I was more than happy with her getting new friends, she hasn't really had anything like that for a number of years and I think that as a group they are a really interesting, intelligent, fun group of people. Unfortunately, I started to sense that this somehow led to a further breakdown of our sex life. We fought about it, and she has already told me that she feels guilty enough about our sex life and worries about it constantly. She said that she doesn't believe anyone deserves to get laid than I do. The sex pretty much ended very soon after the marriage began, which I had felt we were leading up to, but was just surprised at how quickly it happened. With sex, affection and any other "demonstration of love" also went away - because she felt that she didn't want to lead me on. It's very easy for her to arouse me and if she hugs or kisses me, she will instantly feel my erection. She knows that I always think about sex and always am down for it - but now we have the added consideration of the fact that I actually start to feel that she cares about me less because she's less affectionate.

    We often have a lot of frank, honest, open pillow talk about this - it's really the only time I can bring it up. I've tried bringing it up gently with her, I've tried being more direct to the point where I say I'm about as unfulfilled as I could possibly be with our relationship, but it always ends the same, with her crying and feeling bad. She's definitely bisexual, but has had 7 male sexual partners (including me) and 0 female, even though she has gotten pretty far with girls. She expressed to me once that she has an overwhelming desire to get a girl off but hardly ever thinks about it, just like any sex at all. She thinks sex and desire are "gross," whether it's with a girl or a guy. I think it can all be chalked up to the abuse, whether the nature of it was physical or sexual or both. I've asked if she thinks she's just completely gay but she says definitely not - she wouldn't get off from sex with me as much as she does.

    One positive side effect of our current situation - when we do have sex (about once every month) she gets off very easily and rapidly and it comes in waves - more than normal. I also tend to overperform - I bring her to clitorial orgasm with my hands before sex starts, at which point we begin fucking and I continue to stimulate her clit with my hands to ensure that she has those strong, clitoral/deep g-spot orgasms. Afterwards she always comments that she's missed sex a lot, but then it goes back to normal.

    I'm not sure what to do. I long ago learned that in order for sex to happen I had to wait for her to initiate, even if that meant some pretty long dry spells. I have tried a lot of different things - at this stage I have stopped bringing it up at all during our rare frank pillow talk because I've read on the internet how unattractive desperate men come across to married women. I've also stopped masturbating (was up to twice a day) in an effort to bring my sex drive down - I'm never as turned on by porn as I am by her anyway - and almost always think of her when I do beat off. Standard porn bores me and what I've discovered is that if I have any kind of fetish it is only for certain actresses - Diora Baird, Ala Passtel, Petra Mis, etc - and it's pretty obvious to me that the reason I'm turned on by them is because of features each girl has that reminds me of her. I'm working out more and I feel like I'm getting results - although I never believed that my body has ever had anything to do with her desire - I'm 6' tall and about 180 lbs. and losing. I've grown a beard at her request and she does tell me that she is attracted to me. Girls at work and friends of friends around town give me attention so I think I'm ok in that department - at least desirable. I've never really lacked for attention from females.

    There are a lot of additional combined factors - our bedroom is a loft without any doors so sex needs to take place when our daughter is at a grandmother's house or at a sleepover, or in the dead middle of the night. She has a recurring EDNOS and clear self-esteem issues. She's very contradictory in that she never thinks that she looks presentable in the least, but in order to leave the house, needs to look 'like a million bucks'. She also does not believe that she has a nice body but can understand how other people might believe that - except for me. I'm never allowed to see her naked. She's also obsessed with her own breasts and sometimes will acknowledge that they are great - in the summer they are always proudly displayed in skimpy tops but whenever chaps on the street whistle or holler at her, it will ruin her day in a big way. And lastly, once, about a year ago, after an oral surgery, she was prescribed vicodin. That night, we were watching Harold and Kumar, and she pauses it and says to me, "ok, turn to me, now I want to make out with you, but don't get a boner over it ok?" I was shocked as this was way out of character for her. We were making out and ended up staying up pretty much all night making love in one way or another. It reminded me of the first year and a half of our relationship and, worse, the sexual performance of every other girl I had ever been with - in other words, a more "normal" level of sexual drive. She loved it, and saved the rest of her pretty significant prescription of vicodin for "fun Saturday nights". We both recognized how wrong this felt but she said she felt that she "had the right to a normal, fun, sex life" and that if this was how she had to do it then so be it. Of course that didn't last forever but honestly I think it is for the better - if we had continued to abuse this pain killer as some sort of weird sex aid, she would've eventually regretted it. I don't think it would've been for the better. However, to this day, she says that she wishes that's how she was all the time.

    I just need some advice - someone to tell me what I'm doing wrong or need to do, what kind of therapy we need, if she needs to try sex with a girl or in a threesome with me and another girl, or anything else. I'll answer any questions anyone may have for clarity and I know that I left a lot out here. Really I just want to have sex with my wife, she's the girl of my dreams and I can't imagine wanting anyone as much as I want her.
     
  3. dobiegirl

    dobiegirl New Member

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    I think I would advise you to get her to a doctor first for a complete medical workup. There are a lot of medical reasons for a decreased sex drive including depression. If everything checks medically then couples therapy would be my next suggestion. I wish you and your wife the best and I hope you get things resolved soon
     
  4. lutherblissett

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    She definitely has some new medical issues - the worst of which is high blood pressure that only presents itself at work - and she got her new job when she moved in with me and I was able to support her and she was able to quit modelling. The other problem is dental - i'm not sure if that is related to sex.

    If it is medically-related, it would have to be something that's been present forever because she says that her sex drive is the same now as it's always been - the only two times sex was ever different in her whole life was in the first year of our relationship and those few nights she had taken vicodin.

    I am not sure if couples therapy would work. We've talked about it and she doesn't think she could bear the full burden of that guilt - because she knows that it is all "her problem" and nothing I've ever done.

    And just so everyone knows, I pulled that out of a word document I had composed in the past - just tailored a little bit for LPSG. I've written it for a handful of other entities in the effort to get help - including for the therapist we saw a few weeks ago - because part of that was to help our sex life.
     
  5. ZOS23xy

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    This requires a hard soulful look at what was, what happened and what will be happening.

    Having the pains of doing some rough decision making, I wish you the best.

    Keep in touch, if need be. There are others here who could give you better information.
     
  6. lutherblissett

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    Thanks.
    I brought up the fact that online couples therapy is like the "hot" new thing and she seemed to be pretty excited about it. I just knew she wouldn't go for face-to-face therapy. She actually volunteered to research some more and figure out the insurance stuff and all that.
    On another note, I've been successful in not bringing it up the past few days and at times like this I know she has the opportunity to feel closer to me because there's less pressure out in the open. I kissed her goodbye the past two mornings and hello the past two evenings when I got home.
    If this at all could be anything I'm doing, I would love to hear about it from anyone. You can ask me anything or criticize in any way. I'd love to hear it because I'm totally willing to do anything.
    She also looks insanely hot today, it's the worst! ha ha.
     
  7. headbang8

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    I am about to tell you the hardest thing you'll ever realise.

    Even though the problem affects you, it's not your problem. You can't solve this for her.

    Therapy is essential, but IMHO, not couples therapy. This is serious shit she has to deal with, and even if she does, it will affect her for the rest of her life.

    I was emotionally abused as a kid, and it affects me every waking moment, and even in non-waking moments. Your wife sounds like she had it worse. It doesn't surprise me that she ended up in porn; many abused kids do.

    Therapy is important. I found peer support groups even more important. She can speak to other adults abused as children, and she'll find others who are in recovery or still struggle. There wil be no ready answers or easy solutions, but meeting others in the same boat will help. She'll feel less like a freak--if you'll pardon me for putting it so bluntly.

    In the meantime, your job is to look after yourself and your step-daughter. To keep an even head and look after your own emotions and peace-of-mind. To remember that however oddly she behaves, it's not about you.

    I'm sure you're impatient to have sex. But sex takes two, and if she feels badly about it--or finds the moments of intimacy too scary and she has to work up the courage --then you will need to continue being patient. Putting pressure on her may make her feel even more scared.

    You obviously love your wife. She may have a real trouble loving you back. When the people who were supposed to love you, actually abused you, love becomes frightening. She may know this intellectually, but emotional instincts are almost impossible to erase.

    Abused kids spent their childhood feeling unsafe, 24/7. As an adult, they simply can't feel safe, no matter how secure their life may be, or how much love they get. And like learning French or how to play the piano, one needs to develop these instincts as a child for them to feel truly natural.

    Take care of yourself.

    HB8
     
  8. lutherblissett

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    Thanks HB8, that's some spot-on advice and I definitely think that you are hitting the nail on the head here.

    One really optimistic fact about what you're telling me is that she wants to get into the mental health field, and eventually get a doctorate. She's crazy about it and currently has a 4.0 in her studies. She talks a lot about therapy even if just for research - but just the fact that she's so intellectually invested in the subject matter (and, like many mental health professionals, doing it because they have some history with abuse).

    She actually has an appointment scheduled shortly to talk to someone about the recurrent EDNOS which, although minor, is really one of the most major things affecting her mentally (apparently her birth father also called all the kids fat all the time). It is mostly to help a friend (with serious anorexia) and they are going together, she for support, and if they can figure out why her EDNOS comes and goes in about 7-month cycles she would be ecstatic.

    Not sure how to go about insinuating she needs therapy, do you think that a good couples therapist would eventually catch on as to what the root of the problem is and push her to go into counseling for her own demons, apart from the sex troubles we have as a couple?
     
  9. Love-it

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    There is the opinion that many if not most people interested in the psychiatric field feel a need for treatment and/or analysis of some kind for some reason.
     
  10. SpeedoMike

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    It is a good idea to have a physical/workup so the doctor can rule out physical causes, or if he finds any, treat them. Symptoms can mimic causes, but the doctor should be able to determine if psychiatric treatment is warranted. There may be a clinical depression which is normally treated with medication. It already seems counseling/therapy is warranted, so let the doctor make the recommendation rather than you.

    Best to both of you.
     
  11. ZOS23xy

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    A lot of people would take advice from a man with a PHD rather than the people they love.
     
  12. B_Jennuine73

    B_Jennuine73 New Member

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    Luther

    She is lucky to have you as a husband. You love her, want her and seem to treat her good.

    One thing about people who were sexually abused as a child, sex is never simple. Her sex/body was used by another, therefore she may have learned to use her sexuality for something she needed.

    I find it interesting your sex life was great until you made the big commitment to marry. I am NOT saying this was conscious manipulation on her part, I am saying it makes sense.

    A person who was supposed to be a protector, was an abuser. In order for that abuser to be happy with her, she had to give him her body. Do you see the connection? You proved you loved her so she didn't have to use her body anymore.

    You are not her abuser, yet you are someone she loves and trusts (as much as she can). I would repeat what the others have said about ruling out any physical ailments. Those ailments may be manifested by psychological issues, there really is no difference from the psyche to the body.

    She needs to know you love her and one of the ways you like showing that love for her is through sex. It is not the only way you show her, and it is not the only thing you want from her. She is important to you, and your relationship is important to you and you will do whatever it takes to have a healthy one.

    Ask her what her books tell her about sexual abuse suffered as a child. I would make the recommendation for her to see a psychologist. Not a psychiatrist as they are all about meds anyway.

    Good Luck.

    Oh, keep giving her those kisses in the morning and evening.
     
  13. lutherblissett

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    Two probably really important things that I forgot to mention is that she has recently had complete physical checkups (including an mri for the recent migraines, which I believe were just from a bout of work-, school-, kid-, and me-related stress. She has a few weeks off from school and guess what, no migraines. But none of the visits recently have come up with anything out of the ordinary other than the under-control high blood pressure (during office hours).

    The second is that about a year ago, she went to see a psychiatrist about a few things, one of which was the sex thing, but mostly about being tired all the time. She was prescribed wellbutrin, but by that time the sex had already gotten down to around where it was before the marriage, so there was no apparent change in sex drive by the wellbutrin. It did what she was looking for it to do the most, make her not feel the need to take naps every afternoon, and that in turn led her to focus more on university classes.

    As far as the books are concerned, she's pretty well-versed in abuse and abuse survivors but the unfortunate thing is that she's pretty much mentally resigned right now to not be into sex or wanting it. One thing that she says all the time - "If I could snap my fingers right now and have a sex drive, I definitely would" but, if it makes sense, she doesn't want to make the effort to work through it/doesn't think she really can.

    As for the sex decreasing after marriage, that is true, but for a large part it decreased after the first 1.5 years or so (we've been together 5 years). I think there are two reasons for this: one is from neither of us really believing in the "institution of marriage" and from her backlash from being called "mrs." at work, possibly not looked at as being attractive anymore, etc. The other is because I think I was a little mean about it - we didn't consummate the marriage until the next morning (I never brought that up as any kind of issue - it wasn't really - but a lot of people were like - 'ok now go get laid you crazy kids!', but we didn't we just went to sleep), sex was GREAT and beautiful that morning, and then a few times after that, but the 'honeymoon' effect had worn off before the honeymoon ever even happened. The vacation was perfect but I think we only had sex 3 times in 7 days. I told her later that I was disappointed by that and she got really sad (I don't blame her). The rebelling against marriage thing fed into this and at that point I pretty much gave up on sex even though we were having sex maybe once every other week - it was just doing more harm than good at that point. We got married and that was in September or October.

    Like I said, she sounded interested in finding an online counselor. I'm just trying to be really gentle about this, so I'm not going to push it.

    This is all really good advice.
     
  14. sideshaft

    sideshaft New Member

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    There is a web site malesurvivor.org This site is geared to male victims of sexual abuse, but they have resources on line and some of them are therapist. They may be able to direct you to where and what you and your wife needs.
     
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