If I had one more day with Cliff…

ASK JEFF

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I have a lot of questions.

Firstly, I had a very good friend of mine who was FTM, and I loved him as a dear friend, a brother, a beautiful man. I was always too afraid to ask him things because I didn’t want to inadvertently offend him. Unfortunately, my friends and I lost him last last year to pancreatic cancer. so…I’ll ask them here in this space. I’ll ask the experts.

Seems safe enough. I hope! I hope my questions aren’t too personal, and if they are, my apologies. The answers you give would be so much more educational for me and others that may be wondering about them as well.

If my friend, Cliff, was still alive, I’d grab a bottle of Chardonnay, his favorite, two glasses and lay on the beach next to him like we used to do and talk, gossip, say naughty things…lol. I miss him.

I’d ask…


"What's something about your journey that you wish more people understood?";
"How has your perception of masculinity changed throughout your journey?"
"When was the moment or experience that really affirmed your identity, something that made you say, 'Yes, this is who I am'?"
"What are some meaningful ways allies have supported you that you wish more people would emulate?"
"What's a piece of advice you'd give to someone just starting their transition?"
"How do you navigate spaces where people may not be as educated or accepting, and what can others do to make those spaces more inclusive?"

Apologies if you’ve been asked these a thousand times already, and THANK YOU ALL for answering the questions if you chose to answer.

kisses on your pink parts ❤️
JEFF
 

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Re: "What's something about your journey that you wish more people understood?"

How many times I stopped and deliberated and questioned myself, and that I tried and scrutinized every alternative before I came to this critical and difficult decision. How I had to get to a point where I would be willing to lose everything in order to me be. My partner, my job, my family. Even some "friends". I had to get to "rock bottom" where the only rope/ladder was transitioning, even if it cost me other things, some of them very dear to me.

For me, I felt like transitioning was the final stop on a long journey that took several turns. At each change along the way, I'd stop to assess if it was "enough" in order for me to be happy. When I came out first as a lesbian, I wondered if being able to love women, my primary attraction, would be enough. Sexually, I was attracted to both men and women, but only fell in love with women. If I could have a female romantic partner and dress and look more masculine, would this be enough? No, I still despised my breasts and my hips. And I still felt like an imposter in women-only spaces. Like a wolf in sheep's clothing. The lack of authenticity weighed on me. If I just removed my breasts, would that be enough? Was it just about the body, or was it also about the way people saw me, or more importantly, didn't see me...who I was on the inside?

It took being around many other gender-variant folks like me to see where I "fit" and where I didn't fit anymore. That I was ready to move on and to take the necessary risks. But overall, this is not a decision/action that anyone takes lightly. There are personal relationship risks, safety risks, health risks, financial risks, etc. It's very natural to ask someone "are you sure this is what you need to do to be happy?" and to doubt that this is the case, because no cis-gendered person can imagine deliberately taking such a treacherous path. But, every transperson I know has gone through many years, often decades, of personal deliberation on this very same question. By the time they decide to announce their transition to others, the decision has long been made, and they are only asking for your support on the next leg of their journey. If that support is not offered, it will not deter them. They have already been through so much to arrive where they are, and the only path is forward.
 
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ASK JEFF

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Thank you for responding to my question.


First of all, you’re an incredible, brave and thoughtful human being—my only label I use these days as everyone is on a label path to self identify. To me, Human Being works just fine.


That’s a deeply moving, intimate and powerful story you've shared. I can see the pain, struggle, and resolve woven into each step of your journey. What you're describing is something that many people, especially those who haven't had to question their own gender identity, struggle to fully understand. There's a particular kind of courage that comes from continually questioning yourself, dissecting your feelings and motivations, before you can truly decide what's right for you. And you're right. By the time you've come out to the world, it's not a\based on a whim or a half-baked thought—it's a declaration of a truth you've fought hard to discover. A culmination of a long and often painful introspection that led you to, as you put it, the only path forward.

I totally get why you'd be frustrated that people might not grasp the gravity of that. Feelings and anxieties must have been very intense for so very long. To some extent, they will never really know unless they've walked that road themselves or done the hard work to really understand it. Unless someone's been there, it's tough for them to "get it." And you hit the nail on the head with the kind of risk involved—social, physical, emotional, financial. It's a gamble where you stake everything for a chance to be authentically you. Many people don't face those kinds of stakes in their entire lives. But you're willing to risk all these attachments for something even more fundamental—your own identity and happiness through an authentic self.

Your story's a reminder that sometimes the hardest battles people fight are the ones within themselves, and those victories deserve as much recognition and respect as any other.

Thanks for sharing. It's been eye-opening and heart-opening all at once.

A BIG HUG!

Thank you,
JEFF
 
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Re: "How has your perception of masculinity changed throughout your journey?"

My vision of masculinity was already pretty broad, but my perceptions of men and their vulnerabilities did change.

Most of this learning came from having more access to men and male-only spaces, as a point of comparison to the gender role and socialization I was assigned. Before transition, I often felt like I was missing some critical pieces to a puzzle. Women would tell me that I was thinking or acting like a guy, even when I didn't fully know what they meant by that, but it was never meant as a compliment. I just knew that I was a "failed girl", if that makes sense. I wasn't doing the woman-thing in the ways it was expected of me, or with any joy. In contrast, being in relationships and friendships with men meant that I could exhale...I rarely felt "wrong" among men, just the opposite. Everything was easy and aligned and comfortable.

After transition, when I was in male-only spaces and relationships, my emotional intimacy with men revealed more of their vulnerability. As a female-presenting person in my past, men may have felt pressure around me to maintain a certain image of themselves and their capabilities and vulnerabilities, or lack thereof. Now, men tell me about personal issues with their relationships, their worries, their kids, their self-doubt, their sexuality, their spirituality, etc. Sometimes, they say “ I’ve never told anyone this before”, and I feel privileged to participate in those conversations. I think my socialization as a woman made me a better listener and/or more intuitive. I am also very capable of sharing my vulnerabilities. I think that inspires men who feel inclined to hide theirs, thus leading to more meaningful conversations and connections.

I also became more aware of the social dynamics among men and pressures within themselves to compare themselves to other men. Some of this made me sad for the struggles and the isolation that this mentality can cause. Women tend to share more of their vulnerabilities, minimizing their emotional impact and obtaining critical social support. Amongst men, I observed their internal hierarchy and competition, who was the alpha or had the big dick energy in the room and why, etc. I felt like an anthropologist, because this is in part a learned behavior and is very different from how women are socialized to interact.

I am also impressed by my finding that when men felt safe, how often they confided a desire for personal change and transformation. But, that they seemed to be (or felt to be) stuck with what they perceive as obstacles. It seems to me that men generally perceive themselves as having fewer options than women to pursue their dreams and passions, and that women have more choices. Having been in many of these conversations with women, many women would disagree that they have more choices! For both men and women, some of these obstacles are real and others are not; they evolve from their perceptions of what is expected of them from various societal pressures.

It’s interesting to have these conversations with non-binary people who do not identify as a man or a woman, with intersexed people, or with transgender people. What gender-related baggage are you carrying with you that was handed to you by someone else? That you picked up yourself and carried, because you felt like it was expected of you? And if you could put something down that wasn’t serving you anymore, what would it be?
 
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Re: "When was the moment or experience that really affirmed your identity, something that made you say, 'Yes, this is who I am'?"

It was at a concert at a women’s music festival in my mid-20s. It was this famous annual music festival in the middle of the woods, camping with thousands of women, one week of fellowship and music and all things women. I identified a lesbian and was surrounded by all of this great feminine energy, and I could be as butchie as I wanted to be and was desired for it. During the concert, I looked around and realized firmly…this is not who I am. A beautiful and affirming venue, great community, women power all over the place. It’s certainly nirvana if you are a lesbian. But, I was the black sheep among them. I was an imposter. Just like how I have always felt in the women's locker rooms and women-only spaces from a very young age. That it’s unethical for me to be here, invading their sacred women-only space and privacy. From then on, I was committed to the idea that my outsides needed to match my insides, so that I could live authentically and be in relationships with others as the true me.
 
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Re: "What are some meaningful ways allies have supported you that you wish more people would emulate?

I appreciate it when cisgendered (biological) men refrain from giving a tutorial on masculinity, because there is no universally defined measuring stick. When they do so, it’s just the speaker’s definition of what it means to them. It is of no consequence to me; I am my own person. I define if I want a certain appearance, facial hair, or body hair. My choices of clothes and or jewelry. What I call my body parts and how I use them, with myself or others. What surgery or drugs I will pursue or use, if any. I try to give all men respect and space to define masculinity for themselves, and that includes self-identified men like transmen. But, it's not without challenges. Even within my own community and my own head and heart, I have to face my own limited thinking and prejudices.

In the same theme as above, I don’t need a tutorial on how men think. I have been told by more than one professional that I already have “boy brain” and have for most of my life, which is why I always felt out of place being treated and socialized as a woman. Male culture has been a catch-up for me, being in women’s only spaces for most of my life. All women's high school, gender segregated college dorm, etc. So, the best allies just treat me like one of the guys and don’t try to give me unsolicited advice on masculinity.

And related to that last point, the best male allies have made a point of including me in cultural experiences with men. Some of my best recent memories are of extended fishing trips with men, many twice my age, during which there wasn’t much fishing. Lots of sitting and talking and cooking and canoeing and drinking and bonding. The river we fish is notoriously overfished and warm during our trips, so we never expect much angling success. But I’ve loved every minute of hearing about their personal and professional challenges, of their joys and fears of aging, of issues of fatherhood and marriage, of being a grandparent, and their varied worldviews. I’ve really enjoyed filling in the gaps in my personal development with these balanced and generous men.
 

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Re: "What's a piece of advice you'd give to someone just starting their transition?"

Transfolk are like snowflakes, and no transition is the same. Medical plans like surgery and hormones, and even what someone calls their genitalia and how they use them, can vary widely. So take your time regarding decisions, as hard as it is to take things slowly, because you are so very excited about your new life. Talk to as many people as you can and see the tremendous variety out there, and then go with what feels right for you. This may also evolve for you over time, so stay flexible within yourself. It’s thankfully easier to get in touch with a shared community given all of the online resources these days.
 

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Re: "How do you navigate spaces where people may not be as educated or accepting, and what can others do to make those spaces more inclusive?"

First, this question assumes that someone wants to be transparent about their gender identity. Many do not, no matter if the places they are going are inclusive or not. I know many transpeople that are not open about their gender transition, even decades after their transition, or are only open about it in select settings.

In my own workplaces, I am not out as a transperson, and I transitioned about 14 years ago. Only a select few know by necessity or circumstance. I don’t have control over their integrity however, so I have to mentally assume that it’s possible that others know through the grapevine. However, it would be my personal preference that none of my work colleagues are aware. My personal life is another matter, but I don’t mix work life and home life.

Unlike sexual orientation like gay/lesbian/bisexual, gender orientation has physical and medical issues at its core. When you tell someone you are gay or lesbian for example, they don’t start to scrutinize you physically like they do transpeople. They don’t look closely at your face, chest, genitals, etc….trying to guess what you looked like before transition and what you look like now under their clothes, what medical procedures you’ve had if any, etc. If they consider your transition successful by their definition, or if you don’t “pass” effectively - or effectively enough, etc. Collectively, that scrutiny can feel incredibly invasive and dehumanizing. Having outed myself first as a lesbian over two decades ago, I can tell you that it felt like a world of difference to me, coming out as queer and then as trans. Not even close. I was VERY out as a lesbian, Pride parades and all. 100% transparent about it. Not so at all regarding my trans identity. I am very selective regarding who I tell.

If you happen to know that someone is trans, never assume that this is information you may share with others, or even that they wanted you to know. For example, you may have learned it through the grapevine versus a 1:1 disclosure, and they are not aware that you know. This is Protected Health Information (PHI) from a legalese perspective. By outing someone, you are giving away their agency to define themselves, their PHI, and exposing them to unwanted attention to their body and the possibility of personal and professional harm. Two transfolks have been murdered this year in my small city alone, and those are the murders I am aware of. Others have been physically harmed, but not killed. It’s a scary world out there for transfolk.

As for ways to promote inclusivity, I think that asking what pronouns people prefer is becoming more and more commonplace, and that it is a good start. That always confers a sense of welcome and safety, because it shows that people are aware that your outsides may not match your insides and prioritizes respect from the get-go. Some businesses and engagements put pronouns on their name tags, for instance. The wearer does not have to disclose this, but it’s encouraged, and sends a warm message to the vulnerable people who are looking for sanctuary. It says “You can be yourself with me”.