If Monty Python were around today...

Discussion in 'Funny Stuff: Jokes, Quizzes, Games & Pics' started by mindseye, Mar 26, 2005.

  1. mindseye

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    Michael Schiavo: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
    The Schindlers: We're closin' for lunch.
    Michael Schiavo: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this
             woman what I married not half an hour ago from this 
             very family.
    The Schindlers: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's,uh...What's
             wrong with 'er?
    Michael Schiavo: I'll tell you what's wrong with 'er, my lad. She's 
             brain-dead, that's what's wrong with 'er!
    The Schindlers: No, no, she's uh,...she's resting.
    Michael Schiavo: Look, matey, I know a brain-dead woman when I see one, 
             and I'm looking at one right now.
    The Schindlers: No, no, she's not brain-dead, she's, she's restin'!
             Remarkable woman, the Norwegian Blue, idn'it, ay?
             Beautiful plumage!
    Michael Schiavo: The plumage don't enter into it. She's stone dead.
    The Schindlers: Nononono, no, no! She's resting!
    Michael Schiavo: All right then, if she's restin', I'll wake her up!
             'Ello, Miss Terri! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle fish 
             for you if you show...(The Schindlers hit the bed)
    The Schindlers: There, she moved!
    Michael Schiavo: No, she didn't, that was you hitting the bed!
    The Schindlers: I never!!
    Michael Schiavo: Yes, you did!
    The Schindlers: I never, never did anything...
    Michael Schiavo: 'ELLO TERRI!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! 
             This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
    
    
    (Michael thumps Terri's head on the counter.)
    
    Michael Schiavo: Now that's what I call a brain-dead woman.
    The Schindlers: No, no.....No, she's stunned!
    Michael Schiavo: STUNNED?!?
    The Schindlers: Yeah! You stunned her, just as she was wakin' up!
             Norwegian Blues stun easily, major.
    Michael Schiavo: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad 
             enough of this. That woman is definitely deceased, and
             when I married 'er not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me
             that its total lack of movement was due to it bein'
             tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.
    The Schindlers: Well, she's...she's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.
    Michael Schiavo: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?,
             look, why did she fall flat on 'er back the moment I got
             'er home?
    The Schindlers: The Norwegian Blue prefers kippin' on it's back!
             Remarkable woman, id'nit, squire? Lovely plumage!
    Michael Schiavo: Look, I took the liberty of examining that woman when I
             got her home, and I discovered the only reason that she
             had been sitting upright in the first place was that she
             had been NAILED that way.
    The Schindlers: Well, o'course she was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed
             her down, she would have nuzzled up to the window, and
             VOOM!
    Michael Schiavo: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this woman wouldn't "voom" if you put four
             million volts through her! She's bleedin' demised!
    The Schindlers: No no! She's pining!
    Michael Schiavo: She's not pinin'! She's passed on! This woman is no more!
             She has ceased to be! She's expired and gone to meet 'er 
             maker! She's a stiff! Bereft of life, she rests in peace!
             If you hadn't nailed 'er to the chair she'd be pushing up
             the daisies! Her metabolic processes are now history! 
             She's off the twig! She's kicked the bucket, shuffled off
             'er mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the
             bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-PERSON!!
    
     
  2. Jonesboy99

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  3. headbang8

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    Brilliant, mindseye.
     
  4. mindseye

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  5. Imported

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    carolinacurious: "has joined the bleedin' choir invisible" and "Oh, intercourse the bloody penguin!" are my two favorite python phrases. I never have understood why the penguin sketch wasn't more popular.
     
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