We need to keep in mind at how preferences for certain personality traits, mannerisms, and culture might emerge based on preconceived notions and evaluations of those traits, mannerisms, and culture. Being a recipient of the racial side of this issue in the past, I have been irritated (and now I just laugh it off) when people bend over backwards to state that, yes, they have racial preferences in the partners they choose to date while simultaneously stating that they aren't, in fact, racist.
You can look at this one of two ways -- the first is simple and the second one is not.
The first approach says that we all have varying degrees of desire for social distance depending on the groups we interact with in daily life. People desire social intimacy on the basis of some characteristics like gender, mannerisms, culture, and so on with some groups, while other groups evoke greater social distance. So, no matter what dimension you're looking at, people may desire different levels of social distance from people of certain ethnic or cultural backgrounds. Given that this ultimately reflects a preference to which everyone is entitled, there's no problem here.
On the other hand, people exhibit only so much tolerance for being rejected on the basis of characteristics that they can't work on -- like being of a certain race or having a certain sexual orientation. And colloquially, we are comfortable with the idea of being authentic, that we shouldn't have to act a certain way in a certain setting especially if doing so is in opposition to how we see ourselves. Therefore, it's unfair to subject someone to your preferences especially if those preferences can't be met (whether it's due to genetics or biology or differences in taste).
How do you reconcile the two?
I think honesty is a good place to start. Whether informed by the beauty myth or the media or television or skinny bitches gracing the covers of magazines or what have you, we are subtly and not so subtly reminded of what constitutes "acceptable" looks and behavior. Sometimes this is in direct opposition to social ideals like embracing people's differences or treating everyone equally. At the end of the day, you suck for having the preferences that you have because holding them means denying someone the quality of your time, your friendship, whatever. And I ultimately have the right to tell you to go to hell if you don't like how I look or how I dress or how I act; that's fine.
But deeper than that, if people get hung up on effeminate men or butch women, we have to try to figure out what really drives this sort of discomfort. Do I get scared of effeminate men because if I don't threaten to hit them people will think I'm gay? Do I get unnerved around butch women because I'm accustomed to women behaving all giggly and flirty? Am I insecure about these things? And, if so, why? And how can I move on from this problem if I see it as a problem?
Just as a rule of thumb, I usually don't let one indicator of something be proof positive that someone is really a certain way or exemplifies a certain behavior. That makes for bad science in my field. On the other hand, I trust that people will be just as self-analytical and reflexive in being honest about their behavior; it's easier to do this than maintain delusions.