If you choose to be committed to someone - why cheat?

[julesq]

I am not looking to be nasty in anyway, shape or form, but at this point if your partner has not given you a reason that you can accept and move forward with, then you need to move on. When a person cheats there is some unfulfilled need within them. If it is their partner that is not satisfying them (on whatever level), it is their responsibility to communicate that and to choose to work on it. Relationships are not easy, they don't just happen. Let her rest in peace, but my mother would always say to me, a marriage is not 50/50, it's 100/100. Of course, when I was younger I never understood, but I do now and couldn't agree more. Everyday, both partners need to give 100% of themselves or there is usually an issue. That's not to say, that the hard work that it is is not rewarding because that is simply not true. My marriage is the hardest thing I do, but I wouldn't want to do anything else with anyone else.
In your case, you have been dealing with this for a long time as the dates on the post indicate. Despite your hurt, no one can make you happy but you. You need to figure out what you need, want from your partner and get it. If you have discussed this and you are still not accepting the answer and can't move forward then you need to get out of the relationship. Everyone deserves to be happy and if you are not getting that from your current situation you need to change it.

 

[88bedlam]

A better question is why are people trying to turn cheating into a disease?
People cheat because they want to.
You may not like it, you don't have to, you may even get hurt, but it is what it is.
NO ONE is entitled to loyalty.

 

[ThatFellaUK]

A person who is grateful for the partner they have, who appreciates their relationship and who is at peace and contentment with themselves, is a person who will feel absolutely no fucking need to cheat.

That said; I completely agree with some posters who said you can have a committed relationship (and be what I just described above) and not be technically monogamous.

 

[halcyondays]

Our species is not instinctively monogamous. Male and female alike. Otherwise it wouldn't be an issue.

 

[rtg]

If someone cheats then obviously they aren't completely happy in their relationship are they? I don't believe in the excuse "I was drunk and didn't know what I was doing".... I've been drunk a lot of times and still have never cheated.

There have been a couple of times throughout my life that I have come close to / had intentions of cheating. But I never actually have. But if I had the actual opportunity then I'm not sure what I would have done. This is not something I am proud of. But I had those sick thoughts because I wasn't happy in my relationship but am one of those people who has difficulty being strong and leaving a bad / unhealthy relationship.

 

[rtg]

Also, would just like to show my support for those who have committed relationships but are not monogamous. If these understandings and mutual agreements are in place, then obviously this is not cheating.

 

[wellhunguk]

The one thing I miss when I am in a relationship, is the excitement of a new sexual partner. In this day and age it's so easy to meet new women, especially those who like big cocks.

I was on a dating site where I met a lot of women who just wanted to try my cock. I went on a date with one, who after 5 mins said... I can't stop thinking about your cock. So we went straight back to my place to show her.

Other comments such as "shit that's massive" and "I can't believe I manged to fit that in me" are common ones.

It doesn't make it right, but I think some hung men miss showing off to new partners when they are in a committed relationship.

That's just my personal view.

 

[rtg]

The one thing I miss when I am in a relationship, is the excitement of a new sexual partner.

I totally agree. Except for me, it's not about sex it's about the connection and getting to know someone...that's exciting. There's nothing better than having butterflies in your stomach. But, that said, it is an awesome feeling to feel loved and know you can rely on someone who you are in a long term relationship with. I still don't think I could actually cheat based on that.

 

[185248]

Why would a partner who is in a committed relationship want to cheat? If he wants to sleep with other people, why pretend you want to be monogamous and faithful?

Going by your profile, there is not

Still looking for some insight.

"Insight" Ok, why did you not have any insight?

 

[reckless_heart]

If a partner says "I don't want a monogomous relationship" then that kind of gives the other person permission to sleep with other people too.
Maybe the cheater is selfish and doesn't want to other person

 

[reckless_heart]

If a partner says "I don't want a monogomous relationship" then that kind of gives the other person permission to sleep with other people too.
Maybe the cheater is selfish and doesn't want to other person

Maybe the cheater is selfish and doesn't want the other person to cheat*

 

[hvdude]

All good answers, but I don't think there is any "right" one. People stray. It happens at work (you don't do what you say you are going to). It happens with friendships (you lose touch and don't call often). It happens with family and with ourselves (we don't stick to commitments we've made). Why do people stray? Because they can, there is opportunity and temptation.

What concerns me more is that you are crying every day, even years later. I understand your wanting to stick it out, but that is no life to live. Would you rather he had not told you? It may be true that ignorance is bliss.

My advice (I am in a stray free 20+ year relationship) is to accept that it happened and either forgive him and move on or get out of the relationship. "Life is not a dress rehearsal," and you can't live yours in tears.

 

[KennF]

I know that my opinions about cheating here are different than a lot of people. I don't know that my opinion will give you insight, but it can do no harm for you to hear another point of view.

First, @hvdude is right, if after this much time you are still crying over it, then the relationship you're in is not healthy. And, I think that is more your fault than your cheating partners. (Sorry, I call them how I see them.) You are responsible for your own emotional health. You are the one staying in a relationship and not accepting reality. If you are still crying over something from than long ago, you are the one who wants to feel sorry for yourself, and wants others to feel sorry for you.

Second, your expectations are/were set too high. NO ONE is perfect. EVER. There isn't a person in the world who doesn't make mistakes or change their mind. To expect absolute commitment to sex with just one person forever is foolish, unless you've clearly defined exactly what you mean. And, saying "We're monogamous" is not enough. Does that mean looking, kissing, groping? Does it include flirting, porn, strip clubs? Does it include money, time, phone calls? What exactly are you defining as cheating? And, does your other half know that?

I have been tempted more than once and gone to places to be tempted. The seduction is an ego boost. But, I don't fuck around with them. Does that mean I cheat? My husband likes to watch porn and flirt. His imagination of what someone is like in bed fuels his libido. Does that mean he cheats?

And assume that one of us cheats... Does that mean they stopped loving you, emotionally supporting you, or lessen any of the intimacy or memories that you share? No.

If it is cheating, then the issue is not the sex. It is the feeling of betrayed trust and the lying (if there was a lie). Relationships are, and have always been daily commitments. A marriage is not a forever commitment that can never be changed. Marriage is a promise and a contract to each other. People do change over time. Contracts are amended. Life is more mutable than we care to admit.

So a marriage is waking up every day and saying, I love you and want to stay married to you. I respect you and want to keep making you happy. If your partner cheated then there is something he is not getting in the relationship. And you (and he) weren't communicating your needs and listening to each other.

If I want my husband to stay monogamous, then it is my job to make sure his needs are taken care, that I am giving him the ego stroke, that I am giving him the intimacy, and that I am focused on the needs of our relationship. Then, in the moment of his temptation, he weighs what he has vs. what I provide, and chooses monogamy.

A relationship is not a restraint, but a sharing.

Sorry to be so long winded.

-Kenn

 

[43698]

Some people like the idea of monogamy more than the reality of it. Same thing with other temptations that challenge our resolve to our commitments. I am sure there are plenty of drinkers that wish they were sober. When you see a situation that a person in an otherwise happy relationship cheats it is a personal matter. The person who is cheated on may wonder why this happened to them, but they will not find the answer looking in. There are of course other relationships where things are just sour all the way around. I think at that point why this happens is obvious. A lot of time cheaters love who they are with, but they are not in love.

 

[temptotalk]

Cause the human race as a whole has deep issues with consistency?

 

[a3sthetic]

I think there is a difference between being committed to a relationship and being monogamous.

For lots of people like yourself, they are the same thing but others don't see it that way. They see sex as sex. No emotional connection.

It's understandable for you to feel betrayed because it's not a situation you signed up to. That's why it's called cheating.

I'd suggest getting out of that relationship and finding someone else. A cheater will always be a cheater. You will never be able to trust him so don't waste your life trying to salvage a leaky boat.

 

[SillyGayBoy]

Not sure about others but my husband would find out immediately anyway. He is not stupid. Then we would just end up breaking up.

I don't cheat because I would not want him to. I don't want him passing something onto me either. In my small town every gay guy has been with each other.

So why do guys do it? Maybe the same reason men lie. Some are just dishonest and arrogant and think they are above telling the truth. Usually they are not good at lying in the first place.

I am not for fake break ups for attention but it is not the same thing to once in a blue moon say that sex is a requirement to stay in a relationship.

 

[TokyoBWC]

Hate to say it but I've cheated on my exgf in the past, not once but two times (two different girls).

First one was because she wasn't interested in having sex, she was a virgin and wanted to wait until marriage. I said that it might be a problem for me (I lost my virginity a few months before meeting her, and now I would have to wait a while for the next?!). So we left thugs hanging for a bit, but I guess we were half way to break up and then I met another girl that really wanted to get into my pants and I "let it happened"... I however stayed together with the other girl a while after, but she knew about me seeing other girls (but we didn't talk about it).

The second time was when I was together with a girl that where a few years older than me (7 year difference). I had just moved to her country and didn't know anyone, and I didn't speak one word of the language. Me and her started of as friends and then we started to be more serious. But we didn't have anything in common, and I soon discovered that she really wasn't my type. But the problem was that I didn't have a choice, I couldn't make it by myself (which was my fault) without her. She didn't like to meet other people, she preferred to just be at home with me (which usually meant we sat in opposite sides of the room with our computers). Then when I met a girl that actually spoke English (and was really attractive) I couldn't resist in becoming friends with her, even tho my gf hated it when I talked to people she didn't know. I ended up sleeping with that girl 2-3 times a week when I had to work "extra"... My gf didn't find out and to be honest I wouldn't have cared, the relationship wouldn't have lasted anyway, and she was kind of a controlling b...

I'm not advocating cheating, but sometimes I can sympathize with cheaters... But the best things is to talk with you so about the problems you might have with the relationship...

 

[D_22]

It's not always for emotional reasons or missing something in the relationship. We're sexual creatures and we get tempted and we get horny. Some times it's just a sexual impulse and that's it.

Doesn't mean you don't love the person.

 

[Betty_Cocker]

Why would a partner who is in a committed relationship want to cheat? If he wants to sleep with other people, why pretend you want to be monogamous and faithful?

you could ask this question to 100 different people (who did cheat on their mates) and get 100 different answers.

In my life experiences I found that every time I said "I will never..." it came back to bite me in the butt. Why? Because I am human. I don't consider myself a weak person. I am very emotionally strong. I have always had the ability to compartmentalize my emotions (that can be good, and bad.)

Here's another way to look at this. Sex is not love to everyone. Love is more than just sex.

People are different. We are all wired differently. Once a person recognizes that and understands that you cannot force your mate to (well, actually "do" or "be" anything), then you can accept them.

If you expect monogamy, finding the person who feels the same as you on values and morals is important, even critical. And communication throughout the lifetime of your relationship is vital. But there are still no guarantees in life.

It is never easy to tell your mate that you feel neglected. There is no easy way to say this without it coming back as I they are the one who has failed.

There is no single answer to your question. The answers are as varied as the human race.