If You Discovered A Close Friend Fancied You?

DeclanBrent

Cherished Member
Joined
Jan 16, 2019
Posts
273
Media
0
Likes
363
Points
83
Location
Dearborn (Michigan, United States)
Sexuality
No Response
Gender
Male
guys, how would you cope if you discovered that a friend - particularly a close or best friemd - fancied you, and the reason you found out wasn't anything that was actively done or said to you? (So, told via mutual friends or some other innocuous but convincing way).
Would you be intimidated, put off, distance yourself? Or would it make no difference on the basis that nothing would be said or done about it? Would you see your buddy in a new light? I'm imagining that no friendship would ever get stronger from such a revelation - that it would either deteriorate or stay the same.
 
H

Hype_beast69

Guest
I’d say to distance yourself, not to much but just a little. I found myself in the same situation when it came to having feelings for a straight friend. Once I kept distance the feelings kind of went away. Hoped this helped bro!
 
  • Like
Reactions: DeclanBrent

dongalong

Mythical Member
Joined
Jul 2, 2004
Posts
16,290
Media
0
Likes
62,405
Points
418
Location
France
Gender
Male
It would be the same treatment for women I'm not interested in, more distance... until they get the message.
Then when any awkwardness has disappeared, I'd try to adapt to how the friendship might have changed.
 

Hatt_101

Superior Member
Verified
Gold
Joined
Sep 3, 2010
Posts
4,453
Media
72
Likes
8,271
Points
393
Location
Ontario (Canada)
Verification
View
Sexuality
100% Straight, 0% Gay
Gender
Male
I'm in the opposite situation I had a think for my friend and you could call her my best friend at least one of them. She didn't really want to change our relationship so we haven't dated it's a super long story. But at the end of the day me and her are still friends right now. And nothing has really changed between us.
 

TheMeatyProfessor

Legendary Member
Verified
Gold
Joined
Sep 20, 2016
Posts
273
Media
13
Likes
2,111
Points
413
Location
Kentucky (United States)
Verification
View
Sexuality
80% Straight, 20% Gay
Gender
Male
... and the feelings weren't mutual?

Is distancing still a thing in 2020? Really? Just say it; otherwise you're in that weird fucking limbo when you really, desperately still want to be a friend, not letting X down, and ignore that crush you feel sideways about. Just come clean. Be direct. Stare what relationship you do want, and if your relationship can't tolerate that boundary, well...
 
  • Like
Reactions: Dandelion13

ronin001

Mythical Member
Gold
Platinum Gold
Cammer
Joined
May 16, 2009
Posts
10,294
Media
54
Likes
47,046
Points
618
Location
New York (United States)
Sexuality
99% Straight, 1% Gay
Gender
Male
I'm in the opposite situation I had a think for my friend and you could call her my best friend at least one of them. She didn't really want to change our relationship so we haven't dated it's a super long story. But at the end of the day me and her are still friends right now. And nothing has really changed between us.

I have a few stories like yours, some things work out for the best
 
  • Like
Reactions: Hatt_101

Hatt_101

Superior Member
Verified
Gold
Joined
Sep 3, 2010
Posts
4,453
Media
72
Likes
8,271
Points
393
Location
Ontario (Canada)
Verification
View
Sexuality
100% Straight, 0% Gay
Gender
Male
I have a few stories like yours, some things work out for the best
Yup she's pretty much like the female version of me. Would I say my feelings for her are gone? Not really I guess they've moved more to the platonic side. Like I'm perfectly fine being just friends with her and I'd much rather have her as a friend than not at all.

If she were to say she had feelings for me now I honestly couldn't say how I'd react.
 

DeclanBrent

Cherished Member
Joined
Jan 16, 2019
Posts
273
Media
0
Likes
363
Points
83
Location
Dearborn (Michigan, United States)
Sexuality
No Response
Gender
Male
@Hatt_101 Thanks for the input. I think there may be a difference though in the straight male-straight female friendship dynamic, and the bi/gay male-straight male dynamic. There is the oft-repeated myth that platonic friendships between men and women are impossible. I don't believe that. But I do believe that the reaction of a straight woman to being fancied by her straight friend would be more acceptable and even perhaps flattering. Would it affect the friendship? There, I'm with you - I'm sure that it probably would but could return to being 'normal' if the guy managed to shelve his feelings/lust, as it did with you.
The point is that in a straight-straight scenario, there's always going to be no shock value. Men are attracted to women and vice-versa, and there's always the possibility (sometimes probability) that at some point it's going to materialise that the man fancies his 'friend'. Now with the gay male-straight male dynamic, where the gay man is in the closet or otherwise left his sexuality undisclosed (yes, close male friendships can exist without sexuality being discussed or known - ive lived them) that's a whole new ball game. The understanding would be that if a guy hasn't mentioned his sexuality, or has a girlfriend, that he must be straight, right? But what happens when that's not the case, and the straight male finds out via another source (as in, a mutual friend has voiced knowledge or suspicion) but the gay friend hasnt at that point done anything or said anything to make the straight friend uncomfortable?
I'd like to believe that the straight friend would park that knowledge and leave it alone, and just go on with the friendship as if nothing had changed, hoping that his friend would work through it without it becoming an issue. My suspicion is that there would be a change from the straight guy. But that's why I asked the question - I want to know what real straight guys think.
 

Hatt_101

Superior Member
Verified
Gold
Joined
Sep 3, 2010
Posts
4,453
Media
72
Likes
8,271
Points
393
Location
Ontario (Canada)
Verification
View
Sexuality
100% Straight, 0% Gay
Gender
Male
Ya people say that alot about guys and girls. One thing I must say first though is she's isn't straight I initially thought she was a lesbian so when I first met her it was just us becoming friends I didn't think there was any possibility of anything happening mainly because I didn't think she liked men. As we became closer friends I learned that she was bisexual and then after knowing that and becoming closer friends then I started having feelings for her.

I couldn't speak to the bi/gay male and straight male friendship because I don't have any close male friends that are gay or bi. Obviously in a situation like that if they were my close friend nothing would really change because I don't like men and they would know that. And in the hypothetical situation you're describing it wouldn't even be them saying it so there wouldn't really be in need to change the way anything is.

With my friend I didn't start having feelings for her until after I found out she also like men and it wasn't an immediate thing it was quite a bit after and mainly because we had so much in common not because she also had an attraction to men as well.
 
  • Like
Reactions: DeclanBrent

DeclanBrent

Cherished Member
Joined
Jan 16, 2019
Posts
273
Media
0
Likes
363
Points
83
Location
Dearborn (Michigan, United States)
Sexuality
No Response
Gender
Male
@Hatt_101 OK that's cool and thanks for the answer. Sounds a bit more complicated you initially thinking she was lesbian and then with realising she liked guys a bit too. I can understand how that had the potential to be painful. Unrequited feelings are the worst in the world - one place where whether you're male or female, gay, straight or bi or any other gender or orientation is completely irrelevant, the pain is the same.
 
  • Like
Reactions: diver6 and Hatt_101
D

deleted4500261

Guest
Anytime someone develops feelings of attraction towards me it is a huge compliment and I am very flattered. I am also extremely careful of hurting them so I work through it with them while trying to retain the friendship, regardless of the gender of the other person.
 

DeclanBrent

Cherished Member
Joined
Jan 16, 2019
Posts
273
Media
0
Likes
363
Points
83
Location
Dearborn (Michigan, United States)
Sexuality
No Response
Gender
Male
Anytime someone develops feelings of attraction towards me it is a huge compliment and I am very flattered. I am also extremely careful of hurting them so I work through it with them while trying to retain the friendship, regardless of the gender of the other person.
Nice attitude!
 

Growing123

Cherished Member
Joined
Dec 31, 2017
Posts
295
Media
0
Likes
309
Points
108
Location
Nowhere (Oklahoma, United States)
Sexuality
60% Gay, 40% Straight
Gender
Male
It is very painful to be in the closet and fall for someone you know is straight because they will NEVER like you in that way (unless they are unsure themselves). In my experience the friendships have naturally ended and both parties drift away. Even if nothing is disclosed it's almost as if both parties know there's an elephant in the room. I used form these intense friendships and the other party would really like me but I could never even hint at my deeper feelings. When the agony of withholding became too painful and futile I would withdraw.
I did have a straight friend that initiated something. I fell madly for him. I think he realized then that women were for him and he suddenly blanked me. We just spoke once after that. He said "please don't hate me" and then walked away. I will never know how he felt about me. He got married and started a family and lives close to my family home. But I live several hours away. I never see him when I return home. I do wonder if he was bi but I think he is straight and just wanted to experiment a few times. Maybe once he realized I wanted to play more often he got spooked.
 
  • Like
Reactions: DeclanBrent

DeclanBrent

Cherished Member
Joined
Jan 16, 2019
Posts
273
Media
0
Likes
363
Points
83
Location
Dearborn (Michigan, United States)
Sexuality
No Response
Gender
Male
@Growing123 Thanks for relating your experience. I do think there is a way to maintain friendships with straight guys you fall for. Over the years I've had many. Some have ended because the pain was too much for me but others ended for the same reasons average people everywhere end friendships - you grow apart, have widely divergent interests, get significant others who don't gel with your friend etc. I've found that in the case of school friends and college friends who I was in love with, when the friendship didn't end badly, I was able to reconnect later in life and have fantastic friendships with those guys. I no longer feel romantically about them, but because there was such a close bond (because I'd worked hard to create one in the false hope that something might happen) there was affection and friendship on both sides. The one huge caveat to this: the guys who I managed to retain my friendships with, never knew I liked them. They just thought I was particularly loyal and into them in a straight way - a bromance. If they'd known I harbored deeper feelings? I don't know, but I think it would've spoiled things, sadly.