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Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by earllogjam, Jan 27, 2012.
because of family pressures, cultural pressures, religous beliefs, self hate, thinking marriage could change ones self, etc
I'm sorry, who is this even directed at? Is it just a general question?
I didn't, I'm not and I didn't!
But, in fairness, if I were gay it would make sense for me to marry a woman. :smile:
Seems to be aimed at gay men who have been married to women. I take that doesn't include you. It also doesn't include me.
I always wondered that too. They say they married for those reasons, but they took the leap to propose, they could've just held it off rather than screw over the women who thinks she plans on spending her life with him, and then he leaves her when she's aged with kids...
I guess I could be guilty of this to a degree because I've had sex with women knowing full well that I was gay in college.
Why did I do it? I think I wanted to see if I in fact could possibly be heterosexual. The other part was for my own ego to prove that I was a man. Pretty silly looking back.
Having sex with a woman in college is not the same as swearing before God, the world and Ma & Pa Logjam that you will pledge your life to college girl ! At least I hope not, since I've had sex with a few women and I don't remember getting a ring.
While I don't know any gay men who married, I do have a couple of transgender friends who married, and the broken hearts of spouses & children was devestating. Yet, if one isn't ready to admit to oneself who they truly are - how can they possibly admit it to someone else? Ultimately, both my friends AND their kids ended up ok, but the spouses never recovered from what they perceived as betrayal & rejection.
I don't see why men now should do it. Decades ago, I can understand, but now as society is not as homophobic I don't see the point.
The reasons why were pretty much on the mark--I didn't, but I easily could have when the world was a different place than it is today. Once upon a time, there were basically three choices for a gay man. You played straight, got married, had a family, and denied who you were. Many men in this group came out much later in life--some destroyed their familes in the process, others made it work. The second choice was, if you had a fairly active and visable gay community in your area, you went into the communit, hook, line and sinker. This often meant drug use and massive amounts of casual unprotected sex. Many in this group are now dead or dying (non judgement, just fact). I fall into the thrid group--someone who just repressed their sexuality until the loneliness made me be honest with myself. I came out to myself later in life, and that als had its consequences. Because the world is a different place now than then, I think you will find a lot fewer men who are gay marrying. This excludes the cultures of course, where being gay can still be a death sentence, is criminal, or is so socially unacceptable that it demands people hide their true selves. That's about all I can offer on the subject.
This. I think a lot of people fall into that trap of the expectations, both of who they're supposed to be, and who they're NOT supposed to be.
Especially who they're not supposed to be. They repress this part of themselves, even if they know it's there, because it's not proper in their eyes, or the eyes of the society they live in.
"Well, if I marry her, and I love her enough, it'll 'cure' me..."
Then, there are some who don't realize they are gay until much later in life, after they are married. Then, they get blindsided, and it blindsides the ones they love, as well.
You had sex with women?
According to another thread, if a man receives a blowjob from another man he is not straight.
So clearly you cannot be gay because of this.
Sorry to blow your mind and completely decide your sexuality for you, but that's the rules I guess we play by.
I decided to break off a relationship after one evening out to dinner realizing I was paying more attention to the waiters than to her.
You forgot, join the clergy!
I'm gay dammit, GAY! G-A-Y.
There is a much rarer option of being married and staying married for plutonic love/ children/ financial benifits and having an open relationship / polyamory situation. I know of a couple of marriages where this is the case.
'If you knew you were gay why did you marry a woman?'
Why the particular need to aim this at gay men, (unless, you're looking for a perspective to benefit your own)?
If you knew you were lesbian why did you marry a man?
To answer the question (loosely and in a bit of a shit way), because sometimes it's easier to conform.
I'm Bi, so I don't know if this completely applies to me, but I can tell you that I was in complete denial. I wanted so bad for the gay part of me to disappear and thought if I fell in love (which I did), and got married, it would.
While married, I was completely faithful, but inside I knew that I was still also attracted to males. If I wouldn't have gotten divorced (her choice) I'm not sure how strong that attraction would have eventually gotten.
Towards the end of my next LTR with a woman, I started to recognize and accept it. I became involved in a couple of on-line MOR (Mixed Orientation Relationship) and MOM (Mixed Orientation Marriages). I can tell you that after a couple of years of involvement, and witnesses several men recognize and go through it, there are far more out there than many realize.
Most men knew at a young age, but some didn't have the feeling creep up until they were in their older years. Most, like me, were in denial and trying to make it go away. A few were actually aware of being gay, and some even were openly gay, even with their future wives.
Everyone has their own reasons. Some are able to remain married, and happily at that. More than not, it's too much for the wives to deal with and end in divorce.
I could actually talk a long time about this subject, but will see where this thread goes
My partner was married for 21 years, has 3 kids and 2 grandkids. He knew he was attracted to men, but he married her because he loved her. They divorced, but are still the best of friends. He said if it wasn't for the equipment, they would still be married. We stay at her place when we visit. All things considered, I think it worked out for everyone.
Im in a support group with people who are coming out and there was a man in his 40s who has been married for almost 20 years and had two kids. He came out to his wife about a year ago and explained that he always knew that he was gay, but due to family and religious pressure, he got married anyway (he implied that he slept with a man the night before his wedding) because he thought that conforming and repressing himself would "cure" him. I'm witnessing this man who looks as if he's in too deep and doesn't know how to get out of his situation. His kids sound fairly young and he doesn't want to subject them to a divorce and start life all over again at his age. I felt so sorry for that guy TBH. I recently turned 30 and I'm in the process of coming out to people and I'm scared and terrified to do it as a single man. I couldn't imagine having a wife AND children and having to go through this.
gay men who marry women make me sick. How dare you lie to them and before god. and if your secret comes out not only do you ruin your life but also theirs. This is just selfish and wrong. I feel very strongly about this cause i saw it happen first hand and it made me sick.
Although I sorta understand the reasoning and pressure behind this most of the time and fully understand that even if they're gay they could still truly love this person, it is pretty selfish.