If you knew you were gay why did you marry a woman?

[B_thickjohnny]

I'm amazed at the number of men on places like Craigslist who are actively looking for m4m encounters and openly admit that they are married. A cousin of mine, who was married for 15 years before coming out, ONLY goes for married men because it's "safe". No worries about commitment. They leave and go back to their wives. He's a commitment phone, IMHO.

For me, if I meet a guy, who at any point, says he's married, I tell him to go home to his wife and figure it out. I've met guys on Grindr, for example, with whom I get interested in and then "married" comes out and I dismiss them. They get angry with me and why? I don't do married men. It's cheating and I won't go there.

 

[aninnymouse]

gay men who marry women make me sick. How dare you lie to them and before god. and if your secret comes out not only do you ruin your life but also theirs. This is just selfish and wrong. I feel very strongly about this cause i saw it happen first hand and it made me sick.

Never judge a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes.......

 

[matelalique]

gay men who marry women make me sick. How dare you lie to them and before god. and if your secret comes out not only do you ruin your life but also theirs. This is just selfish and wrong. I feel very strongly about this cause i saw it happen first hand and it made me sick.

The above is placed on an incorrect assumption that the men lied to the women, and that this represents all marriages between gay men and women. I've seen two good examples - in both cases where the women entered voluntarily and knowingly.

One is immigration. The US literally hands out green cards to people married to a member of the opposite sex, but denies this benefit to same sex couples, even in states where the marriage is legally recognized. Mutually beneficial marriages exist, often between very good friends, that cut immigration process from many thousands of dollars and many many years, and severely restricted employment options to a three year marital commitment, a couple of thousand dollars, and a few forms and interviews.

The other I've seen is genuinely good friends interested in raising a family/making babies with a good trusted friend. These families often live in a two flat with mummy upstairs and daddy downstairs and kids playing in the apartment where the fucking is not currently taking place. These families often work extremely well with both biological parents involved, and they mean that a young woman who wants to have kids but doesn't want to marry her arsehole boyfriend gets to have them with a trusted partner, and the gay man gets to have his own kids with a trusted partner.

Modern families take many shapes and forms. The above comment assumes a level of deception which is simply not true in many odd marriages. The marriages I've witnessed were consensual relationships based on love, a need from one or both of the parties, and full disclosure in the relationship. Honesty, openness, and a lack of interest in fucking each other. These have been some of the best marriages and relationships I've ever seen.

 

[SR_Jherkin_McGherkin]

because life in the closet ain't simple.

 

[NCbear]

Lots of guys at my YMCA who're interested in some same sex lovin' either are married or have been married. It's the way life is or had to be for many men here in the Bible Belt.

NCbear (who has encountered several men who are politically quite powerful who remain closeted in order to protect that power)

 

[D_ShlongJohnSilver]

Modern families take many shapes and forms. The above comment assumes a level of deception which is simply not true in many odd marriages. The marriages I've witnessed were consensual relationships based on love, a need from one or both of the parties, and full disclosure in the relationship. Honesty, openness, and a lack of interest in fucking each other. These have been some of the best marriages and relationships I've ever seen.

I agree with most of what you said, but I think he's talking about the specific scenario in which a gay man marries a woman without being honest about his sexual orientation and is using her as a cover or a way to "cure" himself. While being gay is not easy in many cases in the United States for a variety of reasons, it doesn't give anyone an excuse to turn someone else's life into a lie.

 

[poultrygeist]

I'm bi, so for me it was out of strong feelings of love and contentment. A feeling that has not only continued, but grown over many years together.

Oh and it helps that she's bi too.

 

[travis1985]

Once again, most people are coming up with the idea that they hate themselves, are scared to come out, and are to some extent forced by society to marry. Sometimes that is true, but not necessarily. Other times, they want (their own) children and are of the opinion that being born to a married couple is best for the children. In fact, my experience with married men has been that this is the reason in most cases. As has been pointed out, things are not the way they once were, and, as has been implied, there were options even then. I find that whenever the subject of being gay in society and how the person responds to it comes up, a lot of people here are really closed minded to the idea that not everyone feels the way about their sexuality and handles it in the way that they would/do, or that popular impression dictates that they would/should. Whether everyone can relate or not, some people are more than capable of finding happiness and contentment in being gay and not necessarily acting on it.

gay men who marry women make me sick. How dare you lie to them and before god. and if your secret comes out not only do you ruin your life but also theirs. This is just selfish and wrong. I feel very strongly about this cause i saw it happen first hand and it made me sick.

Never judge a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes.......

I agree, and I'll add that it isn't necessarily a "lie,' or "selfish," and since when is it okay to say someone else's approach to marriage is "wrong"? Who says marriage has to be based on romantic love and sexual attraction? That's the usual situation today, but it takes a lot of nerve to demand, in this day and age and with the way marriage politics are, that everyone define the purpose of a marriage the same way most people do just because that's how it is in romantic comedies. It sounds to me, Vladimir, that someone you know got hurt and you're judging everyone and every other situation, sight unseen, because of it.

 

[Willifred]

gay men who marry women make me sick. How dare you lie to them and before god. and if your secret comes out not only do you ruin your life but also theirs. This is just selfish and wrong. I feel very strongly about this cause i saw it happen first hand and it made me sick.

History tells us that God loves an honest gay man...

 

[houtx48]

gay men who marry women make me sick. How dare you lie to them and before god. and if your secret comes out not only do you ruin your life but also theirs. This is just selfish and wrong. I feel very strongly about this cause i saw it happen first hand and it made me sick.

You know what they say about walking a mile in someone else shoes? Lighten the fuck up.

 

[D_Sal_Manilla]

You know what they say about walking a mile in someone else shoes? Lighten the fuck up.

I won't lighten the fuck up cause this is something the women face all the time nowadays.
Men who are ashamed of themselves get into a marriage and start a family. Then they turn around and tell theirs wives that this is not a life for them. How dare you do this to a an innocent woman. I'm not talking about those who do it willingly cause then they know what to expect but what I'm talking about is the women that want nothing more than a husband and children.

I know some women might be okay with this but that is not always the case. I saw someone very close to me go through this and she committed suicide.

you don;t have to walk a mile in someones shoes. you just have to know the situation.

 

[travis1985]

I'm sorry your friend committed suicide, but the solution to that isn't to take your pain out on other people and judge them for the choices they make in their lives. Every situation is different, and every person (including your friend) is different, too. I know this may sounds heartless, but you're not being very reasonable or open to other people's ideas, and playing the "My opinion is right and everyone else is wrong because I've had a trauma" card doesn't provide immunity.

 

[aninnymouse]

I won't lighten the fuck up cause this is something the women face all the time nowadays.
Men who are ashamed of themselves get into a marriage and start a family. Then they turn around and tell theirs wives that this is not a life for them. How dare you do this to a an innocent woman. I'm not talking about those who do it willingly cause then they know what to expect but what I'm talking about is the women that want nothing more than a husband and children.

I know some women might be okay with this but that is not always the case. I saw someone very close to me go through this and she committed suicide.

you don;t have to walk a mile in someones shoes. you just have to know the situation.

Wow. That's just sad. That whole situation is sad. I feel for you that you had to watch someone go through that, and the end it came to.

That being said, Just because that is your experience, it doesn't give you the right to piss all over someone else's experiences, and piss all over what they've been through.

People make mistakes all the time, it's part of the consequences of life. They do things they regret, and then they look back, and wish they hadn't done it, and wish they could take it back, but they have to live with it.

Live long enough, or live some at all, and you'll be there, too.

Just, please, don't direct your anger at the men, who do that. In their minds, it's anything to "cure" them. Direct your anger towards society, and the groups of people who still take great delight in shaming others for being "different" and not conforming to their norms. Even better, work to a place where you can deal with it, and make it something positive, make it so no one feels so ashamed of themselves that they feel they HAVE to live the lie, and then can't.


/Life is NOT black and white, it's billions of shades of grey, each more confusing then the last.

 

[D_Blue_Barry_Eel]

The above is placed on an incorrect assumption that the men lied to the women, and that this represents all marriages between gay men and women. I've seen two good examples - in both cases where the women entered voluntarily and knowingly.

One is immigration. The US literally hands out green cards to people married to a member of the opposite sex, but denies this benefit to same sex couples, even in states where the marriage is legally recognized. Mutually beneficial marriages exist, often between very good friends, that cut immigration process from many thousands of dollars and many many years, and severely restricted employment options to a three year marital commitment, a couple of thousand dollars, and a few forms and interviews.

The other I've seen is genuinely good friends interested in raising a family/making babies with a good trusted friend. These families often live in a two flat with mummy upstairs and daddy downstairs and kids playing in the apartment where the fucking is not currently taking place. These families often work extremely well with both biological parents involved, and they mean that a young woman who wants to have kids but doesn't want to marry her arsehole boyfriend gets to have them with a trusted partner, and the gay man gets to have his own kids with a trusted partner.

Modern families take many shapes and forms. The above comment assumes a level of deception which is simply not true in many odd marriages. The marriages I've witnessed were consensual relationships based on love, a need from one or both of the parties, and full disclosure in the relationship. Honesty, openness, and a lack of interest in fucking each other. These have been some of the best marriages and relationships I've ever seen.

I think it's to be presumed for now that this isn't what the thread is generally refering to though.

I'm only 19 of course, but me and my best friend (female) have had serious conversations before about the concept of getting married in the future. We're unexplainably close and she'd already said before that she'd surrogate for me in the future if that's what I want, and although others would think it to be quite strange it's a strong possibility. We'd live in the same house and maybe even share a bed (saves space and we usually stay in the same bed for cuddles when I stay over anyway) but have seperate partners and the like still of course. Either way, we'll probably be getting a place together within a year or two.

 

[rayray]

gay men who marry women make me sick. How dare you lie to them and before god. and if your secret comes out not only do you ruin your life but also theirs. This is just selfish and wrong. I feel very strongly about this cause i saw it happen first hand and it made me sick.

Vladimir..You are so young to really understand about past generations.The older generations made it much easier to not bow to pier, family and many other pressures to numerous to list. Take Rock Hudson for example,a big leading macho man who had the big studios arrange marriages for him to succeed.Being gay in the 40's 50's 60's and even the 70's was taboo.I not exactly sure when the term gay started to refer to a homosexual man, A couple other words were queer or faggot used back then.It was just no exception to the rule back then.That's why you can be out and proud to most of the population today. They paved the way so you can be who you are today with few problems.Do you get what i am trying to convey to you. Today there are women who seek out a gay man for marriage so they can have children without having to have a conventional marriage.Just one question...Have you heard about the Stonewall riots ? There are many comment on here with various different reasons to why those marriage happened.

 

[TASG]

In china, staying unmarried in one's whole life is weird and having no kids is considered ungrateful and unfilial to families and ancestors, also a great humiliation to the family and one own. Gay men marrying to women is very common in china for pressures from all around. Among those marriages, many are fake, made up with gay men and lesbians, mainly for a show, to ease all the pressures. I might will have to follow the path as well

 

[D_CountVonBhigBohner]

Your comment exposes just how ignorant you are.

gay men who marry women make me sick. How dare you lie to them and before god. and if your secret comes out not only do you ruin your life but also theirs. This is just selfish and wrong. I feel very strongly about this cause i saw it happen first hand and it made me sick.

 

[shadow28]

1) "gay men who marry women make me sick. How dare you lie to them and before god. and if your secret comes out not only do you ruin your life but also theirs. This is just selfish and wrong. I feel very strongly about this cause i saw it happen first hand and it made me sick."

2) "You know what they say about walking a mile in someone else shoes? Lighten the fuck up."

The truth probably lies somewhere between these two statements. I wish people would learn to look at issues from more than one angle before they post their opinions.

 

[SR_Jherkin_McGherkin]

I won't lighten the fuck up cause this is something the women face all the time nowadays.
Men who are ashamed of themselves get into a marriage and start a family. Then they turn around and tell theirs wives that this is not a life for them. How dare you do this to a an innocent woman. I'm not talking about those who do it willingly cause then they know what to expect but what I'm talking about is the women that want nothing more than a husband and children.

I know some women might be okay with this but that is not always the case. I saw someone very close to me go through this and she committed suicide.

you don;t have to walk a mile in someones shoes. you just have to know the situation.

What an incredible oversimplification.

That's like saying "I don't understand hetero guys who get roped into marriage despite knowing they don't wanna be tied to the same woman the rest of their life. Then they turn around and tell their wives this is not a life for them, and then divorce them. How dare you!"

I'm sure plenty of women have committed suicide in the wake of hetero divorce, as well.

This has much less to do with sexual orientation and MUCH more to do with a lack of loyalty, honesty, and genuine love (not the sexual type).

 

[ManchesterTom]

This discussion implies that most every male or female who has had a gay experience at some time in their life, should not marry because they will ultimately screw around on their opposite sex partner and ultimately destroy the marriage.

There are many millions of men and women who start off having had same sex activities, but who fall in love with a person of opposite sex, and they then enter into a monogamous relationship with that person.

Love and commitment are very very powerful forces. Anyone can have another "outside" person cross their path unexpectedly whilst in a committed relationship or marriage, and a huge attraction for the outsider can happen. This is exactly where commitment comes into play. If one wants to keep one's relationship monogamous and protected, the answer is not to feed or nurture these stray impulses, when they pop into one's life.

I believe that virtually every single human being in any relationship, has temptation cross their paths from time to time, and choices have to be made, either nurture the temptation and experience the result, or choke it off at the root, and keep the commitment in place.

No relationship comes with a guarantee of longevity.

If a man or woman married someone with dishonest motives, then it's unfair! However there are very many relationships where one or both of the parties have had "same sex" experiences, and after commitment to each other live a lifetime of happiness. Honesty is really the answer.

I don't believe that having had gay sex makes one "Damaged Goods" and ineligible for future marital success.

Sexuality is not cast in stone, but a living, breathing, morphing part of our being.