If you knew you were gay why did you marry a woman?

[houtx48]

Most of you are running under the assumption that women are stupid and don't have a clue, I don't think that to be the case. Have you ever meet a woman that did not think that they could change you to suit her needs?

 

[poultrygeist]

There seems to be an assumption that its all these gay men doing harm to women and families. One doesn't have to look very hard to read the accounts of more than a few men who married supposedly straight women who years later came to the realization that they are lesbian. It happens on both sides of the street and just opening your eyes long enough to realize there are flip sides to this coin.

While it's tragic that someone was devastated by the loss of someone they love, ultimately, when you get down to it, is this situation any different that a straight man deciding he wants to divorce his longtime wife in favor of a younger woman? Sure, there isn't the stigma of wondering if other people will wonder "did she turn him gay?" but that's more a reflection on him than her. Straight people are not immune to having their hearts broken by another straight person wanting a change.

Besides, for every situation where a man decides he wants out so that he can live his gay life, there must be quite a few where he remains in the marriage (happy or not) to honor his duties he swore to. But you won't hear these situations where things are still working out for the betterment of the marriage, family, etc. You won't hear anyone ever say, "hi, nice to meet you! I'm Jane this is my gay husband John." It's like car crashes on the news. you only hear about the crashes, not how many people got to work today without trouble.

I'm just not sure, other than because of someone's experience why this is a gay issue specifically...I would think a straight woman would be just as heartbroken from a straight husband wanting out of the marriage as a gay man wanting out.

 

[Willifred]

Have you ever meet a woman that did not think that they could change you to suit her needs?

That's a massive generalisation.

I'm very sorry for the OP's experience of this, but one individual case does not mean it is the norm, neither should it mean that other factors and situations should be ignored.

The, 'How dare they', comment could be applied to just about every other failed relationship, yet be equally useless in how much we learn from someone saying it.

 

[D_Harry_Crax]

History tells us that God loves an honest gay man...

What does this MEAN?

 

[bcb]

I have a friend ;-)...

He knew he was gay growing up, he knew in his college years that he was very attracted to men. But, for a while these feelings seemed to drift away. He met a woman that absolutely completed him. He fell in love with her and married her. It happened fast. At the time they met he was dealing with his sexuality, and thought that he was bi or that homosexuality was just a phase he had gone through and had put behind him. It wasn't until several years into marriage that the homosexual feelings resurfaced. They have been married for years, and to this day he loves her deeply and provides for her the best he can. They have an incredible sex life, and a wonderful marriage. He knows that he will love her forever and that he will be married to her 'till death do them part, through sickness and in health, for better or for worse. This friend is still attracted to men. This friend also still likes to explore his sexuality with other men when he can. Sexuality is a very complicated thing, as is the situation he is in. What would be worse? To remain married to her and provide to her the best marriage possible, or to break her heart and divorce her? As I said, It's a complicated situation.

 

[AlphaMale]

I think a better question is, "Why are so many married men really gay or bisexual and won't admit it to themselves?"

It is my opinion, that both men and women are either gay or bisexual. There is no "straight". That's the myth.

 

[D_Jacqueline_Boozann]

In my opinion, there will be men who are straight, gay, bisexual, or bicurious. These people existed in prior generations, they are existing now, and will be in the future.

The issue is.....where these people are in their lives....and where they live in different countries? The United States, for the most part, is more tolerant and liberal now, save, the 1950s.

Some gay men who live in Muslim countries or other countries who are not as sexually tolerant -- well -- you guessed it, may find themselves hanged, shot, or beheaded. Those countries, because of religious reasons or sociological pressure, demand conformity -- like it or not.

So, some men, who can leave for more liberal countries, flee while they still have their heads. Others, go through the motions, marry, and stay married (they may have men on the side, have children, and die). Whether or not they are honestly happy, I do not know because I can not make a judgement call.

I am going to guess, the gay issue was brought up to reflect the United State's views on marriage. However, every gay man does not live in the United States. I wonder how they handle their situations?

Finally, it would be nice to receive diverse comments from people, living in Sweden, Amsterdam, England, Guana, St. Petersburg, Tanzania, Iraq, or Iran. Oh, in some African countries, they kill you -- no questions asked.

 

[Drifterwood]

I think a better question is, "Why are so many married men really gay or bisexual and won't admit it to themselves?"

I think the percentages that people choose for themselves is interesting. If you say that you are 60/40 does that mean that you should be in one camp and never cross the line?

For me it is another example of the judaeo/christian convention of marriage being out of tune with human nature.

Anyone with any sort of crossovering should probably avoid church regulations, have a civil partnership and decide their own lines on polyamory etc.

 

[BuffaloMedic]

I married her because at the time, I identified as bi and fell in love with her, as a person. We have 2 wonderful children, who are the most amazing thing to ever happen to me in my life. I wouldn't change anything for the world, despite the pain we've both been through.

She knew I had a sexual interest in men when we got married. Nothing hidden there; but when things got rough at home, I was the one who caused the problems because I'm gay. And I was faithful.

Now, I'm just not that interested in the vag. I firmly agree with the people that say that how we express our sexuality can evolve throughout life.

gay men who marry women make me sick. How dare you lie to them and before god. and if your secret comes out not only do you ruin your life but also theirs. This is just selfish and wrong. I feel very strongly about this cause i saw it happen first hand and it made me sick.

And who in the hell made you the expert on the subject? How old are you? Go around life for a few more decades before you start preaching in here about who's right and who's wrong according to your narrow view.

You have NO right to judge anyone else. Trust me, in the next 40 years, you will hurt people, and there just may be people lined up to bash you.

There is enough hate for gay men, coming from themselves and the outside world, we don't need it heaped on from one of our own.

You know what they say about walking a mile in someone else shoes? Lighten the fuck up.

^^^This.^^^

Again, you have NO idea what makes a person, their life experiences, their feelings, attitudes and upbringing. You DO need to walk a mile in someone else's shoes before you can even begin to understand what they are going through.

I won't lighten the fuck up cause this is something the women face all the time nowadays.
Men who are ashamed of themselves get into a marriage and start a family. Then they turn around and tell theirs wives that this is not a life for them. How dare you do this to a an innocent woman. I'm not talking about those who do it willingly cause then they know what to expect but what I'm talking about is the women that want nothing more than a husband and children.

I know some women might be okay with this but that is not always the case. I saw someone very close to me go through this and she committed suicide.

you don;t have to walk a mile in someones shoes. you just have to know the situation.

This is something women face all the time? You have hard evidence to prove that? Data that shows that marriages ended because of a homosexual male? Why aren't you condemning men who leave their wives for other women? Or women who leave their husbands for other men? Based on the incidence of homosexuality, I'd say, conservatively, that about 10X more people get their heart broken by heterosexual partners leaving the marraige. Your friend that committed suicide is n=1. You have no right to paint a broad picture with one experience.

And you know the WHOLE situation, right? You know everything that went on behind closed doors? You're the expert? You know what both people were feeling?

Let me answer that for you: No. You don't know the whole situation. I guarantee it.

Do us all a favor and take your self righteous attitude and shove it. We can all do without it, thanks.

 

[ManchesterTom]

In my opinion, there will be men who are straight, gay, bisexual, or bicurious. These people existed in prior generations, they are existing now, and will be in the future.

The issue is.....where these people are in their lives....and where they live in different countries? The United States, for the most part, is more tolerant and liberal now, save, the 1950s.

Some gay men who live in Muslim countries or other countries who are not as sexually tolerant -- well -- you guessed it, may find themselves hanged, shot, or beheaded. Those countries, because of religious reasons or sociological pressure, demand conformity -- like it or not.

So, some men, who can leave for more liberal countries, flee while they still have their heads. Others, go through the motions, marry, and stay married (they may have men on the side, have children, and die). Whether or not they are honestly happy, I do not know because I can not make a judgement call.

I am going to guess, the gay issue was brought up to reflect the United State's views on marriage. However, every gay man does not live in the United States. I wonder how they handle their situations?

Finally, it would be nice to receive diverse comments from people, living in Sweden, Amsterdam, England, Guana, St. Petersburg, Tanzania, Iraq, or Iran. Oh, in some African countries, they kill you -- no questions asked.

You had my input earlier on. I am a white African, living in South Africa. We have had gay marriages legalised for years, and there are rules to ban any discrimination based on ethnicity or sexuality.

 

[ManchesterTom]

I think a better question is, "Why are so many married men really gay or bisexual and won't admit it to themselves?"

It is my opinion, that both men and women are either gay or bisexual. There is no "straight". That's the myth.

There is also a choice to remain within the boundaries of a commitment. Commitment can also vary from marriage to marriage. Some spouses will tolerate or accept certain bending of boundaries. These boundaries will also vary between the parties within the marriage.

In some marriages, it's o.k. for the other spouse to go / or not to go

a)for social drinks with friends,
b)dancing with friends
c)weekends away alone
d)non penetrative sex with people outside marriage
e)oral sex outside marriage
f)full on penetrative sex
g)same sex experimentation, but not opposite sex experimentation.

Everyone makes their own marriage cake in accordance to their agreed ingredients.

There are some marriages where spouses have an agreement to discuss every financial transaction. In my own marriage, It is not considered necessary to consult each other for financial permission for any reason, we trust each other's decisions.

It is my opinion that there are lines drawn in life's rules, and its essential to one's mental wellbeing, to stay within the agreed boundaries, whatever they might be.

 

[ManlyBanisters]

I think a better question is, "Why are so many married men really gay or bisexual and won't admit it to themselves?"

It is my opinion, that both men and women are either gay or bisexual. There is no "straight". That's the myth.

So wait - you are saying someone can be gay (i.e. have no interest in, desire for, romantic notions towards the opposite sex) but that someone cannot be straight (i.e. have no interest in, desire for, romantic notions towards the same sex)? That makes no sense whatsoever.

Maybe you can explain to me exactly what it is about being heterosexual that is so impossible that could not also apply to being homosexual. Or indeed vice versa, what is so possible about being completely homosexual that cannot be applied to being completely heterosexual?

 

[D_Blue_Barry_Eel]

I think a better question is, "Why are so many married men really gay or bisexual and won't admit it to themselves?"

It is my opinion, that both men and women are either gay or bisexual. There is no "straight". That's the myth.

Yeah sorry, that doesn't make a lot of sense, as has been stated by posters before me.

The bisexual theory, although I'd still disagree with that, would make more sense, but not that everyone's born either gay or bisexual.

A more viable theory would be that we're not born with any one designated sexuality and that sexuality is actually a lot more complex than just being branded 'gay', 'straight', 'bi' etc. Perhaps, perhaps not, but perhaps.

 

[Countryguy63]

I married her because at the time, I identified as bi and fell in love with her, as a person. We have 2 wonderful children, who are the most amazing thing to ever happen to me in my life. I wouldn't change anything for the world, despite the pain we've both been through.

She knew I had a sexual interest in men when we got married. Nothing hidden there; but when things got rough at home, I was the one who caused the problems because I'm gay. And I was faithful.

Now, I'm just not that interested in the vag. I firmly agree with the people that say that how we express our sexuality can evolve throughout life.


And who in the hell made you the expert on the subject? How old are you? Go around life for a few more decades before you start preaching in here about who's right and who's wrong according to your narrow view.

You have NO right to judge anyone else. Trust me, in the next 40 years, you will hurt people, and there just may be people lined up to bash you.

There is enough hate for gay men, coming from themselves and the outside world, we don't need it heaped on from one of our own.



^^^This.^^^

Again, you have NO idea what makes a person, their life experiences, their feelings, attitudes and upbringing. You DO need to walk a mile in someone else's shoes before you can even begin to understand what they are going through.



This is something women face all the time? You have hard evidence to prove that? Data that shows that marriages ended because of a homosexual male? Why aren't you condemning men who leave their wives for other women? Or women who leave their husbands for other men? Based on the incidence of homosexuality, I'd say, conservatively, that about 10X more people get their heart broken by heterosexual partners leaving the marraige. Your friend that committed suicide is n=1. You have no right to paint a broad picture with one experience.

And you know the WHOLE situation, right? You know everything that went on behind closed doors? You're the expert? You know what both people were feeling?

Let me answer that for you: No. You don't know the whole situation. I guarantee it.

Do us all a favor and take your self righteous attitude and shove it. We can all do without it, thanks.

Rings true for me on so many levels!! (Thank you)

Well, except for the "wouldn't change anything :frown1:

 

[august86]

Incredibly interesting.

Vladimir was clearly relaying his experience of this type of situation, and the opinion it has forced him to create. Granted, it wasn't as soft and squishy as many others, but we don't have much of a right to totally shootdown his feelings on the topic- albeit generalised and emotionally motivated.

That being said, I (optimistically) don't believe that people maliciously enter into marriage, so that they can make a fool of the other person when honesty eventually sets in.

Many have stated that the construct of relationships and unions are not as they were. People have more perceived freedom to make the decision to be openly gay, bi, etc, but the influences of culture, family and religion are still there.

Of course, people handle the situation differently. Some uphold the commitment they made above all else (some, successfully denying that part of themselves), others come out to their spouses and stay together, and then there are those who feel they need to escape what they feel is "the lie that is their life".

Buffalo rightly mentioned that we all have that which makes up who we are and that affects the decisions we make in life for better or worse.

 

[Mogluver]

BuffaloMedic and CountryGuy add me to the list of approvals. I agree, we all evolve and make progress forward in all areas of our lives. Being in my late 50's and understanding the mores of the era I grew up in, the complications of family and expectations, let alone the outright discrimination of those days, many of us here married and buried our identities. Unless one lived through those stressful times and has walked in our shoes, please support and not judge, as every human carries baggage and hindsight is always 100%.

 

[bcb]

I married her because at the time, I identified as bi and fell in love with her, as a person. We have 2 wonderful children, who are the most amazing thing to ever happen to me in my life. I wouldn't change anything for the world, despite the pain we've both been through.

She knew I had a sexual interest in men when we got married. Nothing hidden there; but when things got rough at home, I was the one who caused the problems because I'm gay. And I was faithful.

Now, I'm just not that interested in the vag. I firmly agree with the people that say that how we express our sexuality can evolve throughout life.



And who in the hell made you the expert on the subject? How old are you? Go around life for a few more decades before you start preaching in here about who's right and who's wrong according to your narrow view.

You have NO right to judge anyone else. Trust me, in the next 40 years, you will hurt people, and there just may be people lined up to bash you.

There is enough hate for gay men, coming from themselves and the outside world, we don't need it heaped on from one of our own.



^^^This.^^^

Again, you have NO idea what makes a person, their life experiences, their feelings, attitudes and upbringing. You DO need to walk a mile in someone else's shoes before you can even begin to understand what they are going through.



This is something women face all the time? You have hard evidence to prove that? Data that shows that marriages ended because of a homosexual male? Why aren't you condemning men who leave their wives for other women? Or women who leave their husbands for other men? Based on the incidence of homosexuality, I'd say, conservatively, that about 10X more people get their heart broken by heterosexual partners leaving the marraige. Your friend that committed suicide is n=1. You have no right to paint a broad picture with one experience.

And you know the WHOLE situation, right? You know everything that went on behind closed doors? You're the expert? You know what both people were feeling?

Let me answer that for you: No. You don't know the whole situation. I guarantee it.

Do us all a favor and take your self righteous attitude and shove it. We can all do without it, thanks.

Very well put! Thanks for standing up!

 

[Willifred]

What does this MEAN?

Irony, history tells us the opposite. If we are to believe the words of the bible God doesn't love gays at all.

 

[Ra]

There are many of us on this site who find ourselves in a similar situation. From my own experience having grown up feeling sexually attracted to both girls and guys but having to repress my bisexuality due to the combination of my family, the close-minded and repressive culture I grew up in, my religious beliefs, etc. I don't think I was the only one who was affraid of rejection.

I married in my late-20's to my wonderful wife with whom I now have an amazing daughter. We were and are still very committed to our relationship and love each other enormously. She is, however, quite anti homosexuality having a similar family and religious background to me. Call me selfish, or misguided for getting married, but at the time I didn't identify as anything other than straight and was, and still am in love with her.

Some years after we were married the feelings and attractions I had repressed as a teen came back. It took a lot of deliberation but it was only about 3 years ago that I was finally able to acknowledge within myself that I was actually bisexual and feel comfortable with the fact. This doesn't change the fact that I still love my wife and wouldn't be able to love another person in the same way.

The selfish and cruel act would be to just give up on the loving relationship that I committed to, rather than sticking with it "for better or for worse".

As for being "30% gay", well we can't help our desires (hey - I joined this forum after all!) but we can control how we respond to them and act on them - for me I guess this site acts as a form of release valve.

We can't help or control the order in which we are dealt our cards, but we can take responsibility for the way we play each hand.

 

[AlphaMale]

Yeah sorry, that doesn't make a lot of sense, as has been stated by posters before me.

The bisexual theory, although I'd still disagree with that, would make more sense, but not that everyone's born either gay or bisexual.

A more viable theory would be that we're not born with any one designated sexuality and that sexuality is actually a lot more complex than just being branded 'gay', 'straight', 'bi' etc. Perhaps, perhaps not, but perhaps.

As one poster above you pointed out? Anyway...

People like people that they have stuff in common with. Men have very little in common with women and vice versa. People are going to be more inclined to like something similar to themselves than something that is the complete opposite of them. That's true when it comes to looks, feelings, etc. etc.

If a man or a woman can look at anyone of their own sex and think "Hey, this person good looking," then you are already 95% there.

Liking men or women and/or wanting to do something with them sexually isn't some Mt. Everest to climb.

==

I'm not saying a guy can't like women. I'm saying that the guys who say, "Oh other guys are just so repulsive I don't want to do anything with them at all ever!" are lying to themselves. Even if it were a 99% straight and 1% gay type of thing (that is still bisexual).

Out of the billions of people on the planet, it doesn't make sense to that say that none of them at all could possibly contain qualities that a person finds attractive in their same sex.

==

So wait - you are saying someone can be gay (i.e. have no interest in, desire for, romantic notions towards the opposite sex) but that someone cannot be straight (i.e. have no interest in, desire for, romantic notions towards the same sex)? That makes no sense whatsoever.

Maybe you can explain to me exactly what it is about being heterosexual that is so impossible that could not also apply to being homosexual. Or indeed vice versa, what is so possible about being completely homosexual that cannot be applied to being completely heterosexual?

Actually, that makes perfect sense. If you're a man and you say that you have no attraction to other men, then you also have to go around thinking that you and every other guy you come across are ugly. Read my response above.

Sexuality to me is like a slider scale, with people being more to one side or the other but not completely to any side. 99% and 1% is perfectly possible and acceptable.

All of this is just my opinion of course. Everyone can feel free to disagree. :wink:

==

I think the percentages that people choose for themselves is interesting. If you say that you are 60/40 does that mean that you should be in one camp and never cross the line?

For me it is another example of the judaeo/christian convention of marriage being out of tune with human nature.

Anyone with any sort of crossovering should probably avoid church regulations, have a civil partnership and decide their own lines on polyamory etc.

Well said. :smile: