If your husband was cheating...

[MarkLondon]

If you suspected your husband was cheating would you be any less distressed to find out he was seeing a man and not another woman?

That's the general question. In the case I'm thinking of the married couple are middle-aged and sexual relations beteen them ceased over a year ago. He's been entirely faithfull up untill now.

 

[B_chinagirl4u2]

I cant answer this for you as my hubby and I are swingers, in a very strong open open relationship, so we never cheat .

Cheating only happens in manogymous relationships that are based (characterised) on possesion/ ownership, jealousy, poor communication, unmeet needs,fragile ego, low self esteem and rigid expectations .

In other words you feel you are being cheated, because you are not accepting that want or need more.
It doesnt matter what gender they want sex with, its something they want.

 

[overly_straight]

Cheating only happens in manogymous relationships that are based (characterised) on possesion/ ownership, jealousy, poor communication, unmeet needs,fragile ego, low self esteem and rigid expectations .

I think it's more that someone's breaking the agreement.

 

[ManlyBanisters]

Hey chinagirl - The way you talk about monogamous relationship is very judgmental. I don't judge your chosen relationship type.

And just because a person wants something it doesn't mean it is his/her right to have it with no regard to other duties or privileges.

And to answer the OP's question - no, it would be neither better nor worse to find out my partner had gone outside what we've agreed is right for us with a male partner rather than a female one. If he ever wanted to change any aspect of our relationship I'd expect him to talk to me first and let us work out together what's acceptable and what's not.

And in the same way, if I were to decide I didn't want / couldn't have sex anymore I'd need to talk to him about how that'd effect our relationship dynamic as well.

 

[Tattooed Goddess]

If you suspected your husband was cheating would you be any less distressed to find out he was seeing a man and not another woman?

That's the general question. In the case I'm thinking of the married couple are middle-aged and sexual relations beteen them ceased over a year ago. He's been entirely faithfull up untill now.

I must ask this question in reverse to help you answer your own question. If you were in a committed, exclusive relationship with a male for many years (let's say you are a gay married couple) would it make you more distressed or less to find out your man was having sex with other men or with a woman?

I mean, any orientation you thought was 100% or close to it makes their partner not surprised when they find out the gender type they were attracted to.....when they seem to have strayed outside of what you were expecting from them in more ways than one...I'm sure it could be a tad more distressing (regardless your orientation) because there is a little "I can't begin to compete with that" going on.

Does this make sense?

 

[B_chinagirl4u2]

Hey chinagirl - The way you talk about monogamous relationship is very judgmental. I don't judge your chosen relationship type.

And just because a person wants something it doesn't mean it is his/her right to have it with no regard to other duties or privileges.

And to answer the OP's question - no, it would be neither better nor worse to find out my partner had gone outside what we've agreed is right for us with a male partner rather than a female one. If he ever wanted to change any aspect of our relationship I'd expect him to talk to me first and let us work out together what's acceptable and what's not.

And in the same way, if I were to decide I didn't want / couldn't have sex anymore I'd need to talk to him about how that'd effect our relationship dynamic as well.

I apologise, Manly you are correct , even in a open relationship if you hide / lied about what you are doing tonight, who you are on cam with, you emails with the desire to meet that someone for sex, then yes thats cheating too, or you dont love your main partner.
Just thats not a open loving relationship is it .

 

[petite]

Well, I consider "cheating" to be a breaking of the rules of one's relationship, not whether or not a couple is monogamous. A lot of couples have open relationships where the "cheating" comes into play if secrets are kept from the primary partner. For other couples, their rules involve asking for permission before any "playing" with other partners occur. Other couples have rules regarding distance, say for example that one partner can play with anyone who doesn't live within a 50 or 100 mile radius, or that each partner may have sex with people only on business trips.

To answer the OP's question, yes, it would make me feel better. I would still be furious and our future as a couple would still be threatened because of the betrayal, but there is a hurtful component to that kind of infidelity that I think I would be spared from: wondering if I was inadequate as a woman and a sexual partner. You see, if I discovered he was sleeping with another woman, I would immediately compare myself to her, wondering in how many ways she was better than me. Is she funnier? Smarter? Have a nicer ass? Is she more seductive than me? Are her tits bigger? Is she a more this or that? If it was a man then I think I would feel that he felt like he needed something that I couldn't be expected to provide him because I'm a woman. I'd still be deeply hurt by the fact that he didn't trust me, he wasn't honest with me, he betrayed our commitment to be faithful, and that he introduced another sexual sexual partner into my life without my consent, so don't take what I said to mean that it would be okay with me. I'm just saying that my anger would be more purely focused upon his betrayal and it probably wouldn't end up bouncing back onto myself and end up damaging my self-esteem.

 

[MarkLondon]

I cant answer this for you as my hubby and I are swingers, in a very strong open open relationship, so we never cheat .

Cheating only happens in manogymous relationships that are based (characterised) on possesion/ ownership, jealousy, poor communication, unmeet needs,fragile ego, low self esteem and rigid expectations .

In other words you feel you are being cheated, because you are not accepting that want or need more.
It doesnt matter what gender they want sex with, its something they want.

That's a very interesting perspective. I'm glad you didn't manage to get yourself banned in your first week here!

Hey chinagirl - The way you talk about monogamous relationship is very judgmental. I don't judge your chosen relationship type.

I don't think Chinagirl was describing all monogamous relationships as being like that.

And just because a person wants something it doesn't mean it is his/her right to have it with no regard to other duties or privileges.

He is fulfilling his other duties, having lost (or been denied) his lovemaking priveleges.

And to answer the OP's question - no, it would be neither better nor worse to find out my partner had gone outside what we've agreed is right for us with a male partner rather than a female one. If he ever wanted to change any aspect of our relationship I'd expect him to talk to me first and let us work out together what's acceptable and what's not.

And in the same way, if I were to decide I didn't want / couldn't have sex anymore I'd need to talk to him about how that'd effect our relationship dynamic as well.

Yes, I agree communication is key. But sadly that has not been done.

 

[B_chinagirl4u2]

Well, I consider "cheating" to be a breaking of the rules of one's relationship, not whether or not a couple is monogamous. A lot of couples have open relationships where the "cheating" comes into play if secrets are kept from the primary partner. For other couples, their rules involve asking for permission before any "playing" with other partners occur. Other couples have rules regarding distance, say for example that one partner can play with anyone who doesn't live within a 50 or 100 mile radius, or that each partner may have sex with people only on business trips.

To answer the OP's question, yes, it would make me feel better. I would still be furious and our future as a couple would still be threatened because of the betrayal, but there is a hurtful component to that kind of infidelity that I think I would be spared from: wondering if I was inadequate as a woman and a sexual partner. You see, if I discovered he was sleeping with another woman, I would immediately compare myself to her, wondering in how many ways she was better than me. Is she funnier? Smarter? Have a nicer ass? Is she more seductive than me? Are her tits bigger? Is she a more this or that? If it was a man then I think I would feel that he felt like he needed something that I couldn't be expected to provide him because I'm a woman. he didn't trust me, he wasn't honest with me, he betrayed our commitment to be faithful, and that he introduced another sexual sexual fact that I'd still be deeply hurt by the partner into my life without my consent, so don't take what I said to mean that it would be okay with me. I'm just saying that my anger would be more purely focused upon his betrayal and it probably wouldn't end up bouncing back onto myself and end up damaging my self-esteem.

None of this is characteristic in a loving, trusting open relationship.

 

[petite]

[/U]

None of this is characteristic in a loving, trusting open relationship.

Exactly. We are in agreement.

 

[dolfette]

cheating is cheating.

 

[Enid]

for me, it would hurt equally.

 

[MarkLondon]

I must ask this question in reverse to help you answer your own question. If you were in a committed, exclusive relationship with a male for many years (let's say you are a gay married couple) would it make you more distressed or less to find out your man was having sex with other men or with a woman?

Well, from what I've seen many male gay relationships, even marriages or civil partnerships are open anyway. But I think I'd be more concerned about another person of my own gender performing better or offering more than I did. Whereas seeing a woman would an exploration of another side of his nature.

However, in that scenario I think I'd be more worried about a woman wanting more than just a secondary relationship that another man might be less inclined to go for. Though of course there's a degree of gender stereotyping in that view.

I mean, any orientation you thought was 100% or close to it makes their partner not surprised when they find out the gender type they were attracted to.....when they seem to have strayed outside of what you were expecting from them in more ways than one...I'm sure it could be a tad more distressing (regardless your orientation) because there is a little "I can't begin to compete with that" going on.

Does this make sense?

Yes. I can see that it might well be seen as a double betrayal. But what if it's not a competition? If there's no attempt to take him away from what remains of the marriage?

 

[B_chinagirl4u2]

Well, from what I've seen many male gay relationships, even marriages or civil partnerships are open anyway. But I think I'd be more concerned about another person of my own gender performing better or offering more than I did. Whereas seeing a woman would an exploration of another side of his nature.

However, in that scenario I think I'd be more worried about a woman wanting more than just a secondary relationship that another man might be less inclined to go for. Though of course there's a degree of gender stereotyping in that view.



Yes. I can see that it might well be seen as a double betrayal. But what if it's not a competition? If there's no attempt to take him away from what remains of the marriage?

What do you mean by what remains of your marriage.. the house, their great cooking ?

 

[ManlyBanisters]

He is fulfilling his other duties, having lost (or been denied) his lovemaking priveleges.

That wasn't in reply to you. But it applies anyway. I was saying he shouldn't think he's allowed take what he wants without regard to anything else.

Yes, I agree communication is key. But sadly that has not been done.

So because she has withdrawn from intimacy without honouring her duty to at least discuss it with him then he's carte blanche to go against the previously agreed monogamy? I don't believe that's healthy or fair.

 

[petite]

There is a feeling of rejection there with both scenarios, male or female lover, but I think I would feel that the rejection wasn't as personal if it was a person of a different gender from me, similar to how I would feel if a man I loved broke up with me and left me for a man instead of a woman. Then there's the betrayal and breaking of my trust on top of that, the cheating part. What I was trying to say before was that the cheating part would still be the same, but I would feel less personally rejected.

So, I suppose I want to ask the other women, am I the only woman who would feel more hurt if a man I loved broke up with me to be with another woman than a man? Would it be the exact same feeling of rejection in both situations?

But what if it's not a competition? If there's no attempt to take him away from what remains of the marriage?

It doesn't matter. He still cheated and that would have to be worked out.

Unless you're asking about what happens after she finds out that he's betrayed her, supposing that he wants to stay with him... Could I have a relationship where the man I love has casual sex with another man? I really hope I never have to find out because thinking about that makes me feel anxious.

 

[Tattooed Goddess]

Mark, I'm of the mindset that if you've got to your partner ahead of time about having your needs met within reason and the person still refuses to do so, you have a right to outsource. That's just my opinion.

 

[MarkLondon]

What do you mean by what remains of your marriage.. the house, their great cooking ?

Lol, yes. There's more to marriage than just sex, isn't there?

 

[dolfette]

Mark, I'm of the mindset that if you've got to your partner ahead of time about having your needs met within reason and the person still refuses to do so, you have a right to outsource. That's just my opinion.

i'm of the opinion that you should bring any clauses in the contract to the other's attention beforehand.

 

[MarkLondon]

cheating is cheating.

Yes, that is the root of the problem.

i'm of the opinion that you should bring any clauses in the contract to the other's attention beforehand.

Indeed. I do wish that had been done.