If your husband was cheating...

B_chinagirl4u2

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mark, you only have his word for it that the sex has stopped.

without wishing to sound cruel here...

''my wife doesn't understand me.''

and...

''we don't even sleep together anymore.''

are the oldest cheater clichés in the book.



LOL , very true

I must have heard those lines a thousand times.
 

TheRob

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Mark, I'm of the mindset that if you've got to your partner ahead of time about having your needs met within reason and the person still refuses to do so, you have a right to outsource. That's just my opinion.

it'll be interesting to see if that opinion remains the same when the genders are reversed
 

B_subgirrl

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Hey chinagirl - The way you talk about monogamous relationship is very judgmental. I don't judge your chosen relationship type.

And just because a person wants something it doesn't mean it is his/her right to have it with no regard to other duties or privileges.

And to answer the OP's question - no, it would be neither better nor worse to find out my partner had gone outside what we've agreed is right for us with a male partner rather than a female one. If he ever wanted to change any aspect of our relationship I'd expect him to talk to me first and let us work out together what's acceptable and what's not.

And in the same way, if I were to decide I didn't want / couldn't have sex anymore I'd need to talk to him about how that'd effect our relationship dynamic as well.


I see what you are trying to say china, but to me... "cheating" means being dishonest... It can also happen in open relationships as well.

Anytime your loyalty is misplaced, or you fail to be completely open and honest to your partner about your feelings and desires, you become a cheater.

These are exactly what I was thinking. Well said MB and FP.
 

AlteredEgo

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I think it's more that someone's breaking the agreement.


I agree. I am in an open marriage in which it is entirely possible to cheat. If I have sex with a man and do not advise my husband, I've cheated. If I do not use a condom with an extra-marital partner, I've cheated. If I have designs on someone, and act on those designs without letting my husband know I was interested, I have cheated. If I allow a partner to move into my home, I have cheated. The idea that an open marriage is perfect, and that a monogamous one is based on
on possesion/ ownership, jealousy, poor communication, unmeet needs,fragile ego, low self esteem and rigid expectations
or that every want of a partner should be indulged is preposterous.

For example, I have wanted to fuck other dudes for years. That our marriage only recently opened up is because that desire was not actually appropriate to act upon until recently because of other issues my husband has which I needed to consider at the time.

To answer the OP, my reaction to cheating depends upon the number of deceptions involved. If my partner hasn't told me that he is sexually interested in other men, and then randomly starts fucking them, well, that's even more deception.
 

B_chinagirl4u2

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Hey chinagirl - The way you talk about monogamous relationship is very judgmental. I don't judge your chosen relationship type.

And just because a person wants something it doesn't mean it is his/her right to have it with no regard to other duties or privileges.

I agree. I am in an open marriage in which it is entirely possible to cheat. If I have sex with a man and do not advise my husband, I've cheated. If I do not use a condom with an extra-marital partner, I've cheated. If I have designs on someone, and act on those designs without letting my husband know I was interested, I have cheated. If I allow a partner to move into my home, I have cheated. The idea that an open marriage is perfect, and that a monogamous one is based on or that every want of a partner should be indulged is preposterous.

For example, I have wanted to fuck other dudes for years. That our marriage only recently opened up is because that desire was not actually appropriate to act upon until recently because of other issues my husband has which I needed to consider at the time.

To answer the OP, my reaction to cheating depends upon the number of deceptions involved. If my partner hasn't told me that he is sexually interested in other men, and then randomly starts fucking them, well, that's even more deception.


you are misinturreting me, I did not say all manogamous relationships are characterised like this, but ones that cheating occurs are.

" Cheating only happens in manogymous relationships that are based (characterised) on possesion/ ownership, jealousy, poor communication, unmeet needs,fragile ego, low self esteem and rigid expectations ."


If your going to quote me, please keep it in the context it was written.
I was assuming he was/still is in a manogamous relationship, not a open one. I was not suggesting or implying which is best.
Now if you disagree that a relationship that involves any of those things is not at risk, then please feel free, to explain why.
But please dont post I was saying what I wasnt.
 
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AlteredEgo

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If your going to quote me, please keep it in the context it was written.
I was assuming he was/still is in a manogamous relationship, not a open one. I was not suggesting or implying which is best.
Now if you disagree that a relationship that involves any of those things is not at risk, then please feel free, to explain why.
But please dont post I was saying what I wasnt.

Please use spell check, particularly if you plan to insist on being understood clearly.

I didn't take you out of context. You definitely wrote that because you and your husband are swingers and in a strong open relationship neither of you ever cheats. You then contrasted that with monogamous relationships of the type you described as reiterated above, and said that cheating only happens in those kinds of relationships.

Well, I disagree. I did (already) explain, using my own relationship as an example, precisely why I disagree with you. As I stated, when my marriage was monogamous, (and before we were married, when our relationship was also monogamous) I wanted to have sex with other men. What I didn't state here (but have stated in the past) is that I have actually needed far, far, far more sex than I get at home since the very beginning of my relationship with my husband. We have been together for over five years now; the marriage has been open only since August.

Before I cut off my lovers in preparation for (just the merest possibility) of a relationship with my husband, I kept company with a steady rotation of at least three, usually four, and occasionally five men who loved to fuck. I had sex eight times weekly, on average. I want sex eight times a week; that's why I kept so many men around. I would prefer, as has been possible in all of my previous relationships, to have sex eight times a week with the same man.

My husband was unable to have sex with me for about a year (probably longer) when we started dating due to past emotional trauma that created sexual dysfunction. Even then it was anal only. He wouldn't come anywhere near my vagina. Eat me out? Hell no! Orgasms gave him panic attacks (mine and his). Prolonged kissing made his blanch and tremble. He wouldn't even permit me to masturbate in our bed, nor would he permit me to be naked in bed unless he had on underwear.

How, I ask you, in that situation could I get my needs even considered, let alone met? I desperately wanted to get laid. When we finally started having vaginal sex, months would pass between sessions. I rarely climaxed, at first. I almost left him. He's the one though; never have I felt more loved, more treasured, more respected, or more needed. Never has anyone seen through me so easily. Never has anyone's trust or friendship been so important to me, nor has anyone's trust and friendship been as flattering. In those early days I was the only woman alive whom he trusted enough to let pat him on the shoulder, far less share in his daily life.

Obviously, I stayed. What kind of woman would I be, what kind of person would I be if I abandoned him? Sure, I had unmet needs and desires; sure he had rigid expectations. I subverted my needs and desires because I knew his needs would change at some nebulous point in the future. I chose to wait.

His needs did change over time, as did our sexual connection which is fantastic, but not sufficiently frequent for me. I expected that as he healed, he would be like all my past significant others, and fuck me every day, at least once. One day, I realized that he was healed, and cured of all of his sexual phobias. We still only had sex three or four times a month. I decided it was time to address my needs. It would not have been appropriate before, but it is now. We spent a few months deciding, and settled upon most of the rules by which we now operate. A few things have been adjusted as we adapt to a different configuration of our marriage.

There is no such thing, to my knowledge, as a relationship with absolutely no boundaries. Everyone has things they need, things they don't like, and things/experiences to which they would prefer not to be exposed. Those are generally the basis of boundaries, and the boundaries people have create the spoken and unspoken contracts between people.

Because mine is a marriage built upon excellent communication, expectations and boundaries are crystal clear. It is entirely possible (if improbable) for either of us to disregard some agreement or other which we have made. I have never cheated on him. I became inappropriately emotionally attached to a confidant who was in a similar situation to mine, but within the definition of our relationship, that wasn't (and still isn't) cheating. Even though we have an open relationship, and I have a lover, it is entirely possible for me to cheat in the ways I described in my previous post, and in countless other ways. When trying to decide if we wanted to open our marriage up, we consulted several other couples in various types of open relationships. Some of them had cheated even though the rules and expectations were very, very flexible and accommodating.

You very clearly stated that cheating only happens in monogamous relationships, and very obviously implied that cheating never happens in open relationships through your own choice of words.
Cheating only happens in manogymous relationships...
Because of what I have learned from my experience, it seems to me you are in no position to speak in such absolutes. Comparing monogamy to your relationship style in the way you did absolutely highlights your bias, and is glaringly judgemental as MB astutely pointed out.
 
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B_chinagirl4u2

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I cant answer this for you as my hubby and I are swingers, in a very strong open open relationship, so we never cheat . Talking only of me and my hubby, not about you or anyone else.

Cheating only happens in manogymous relationships that are based (characterised) on possesion/ ownership, jealousy, poor communication, unmeet needs,fragile ego, low self esteem and rigid expectations . This is in no way implying all manogamous relationships,English is not my first language, but I know what "only" and "that are" mean in this sentence.

In other words you feel you are being cheated, because you are not accepting that want or need more.
It doesnt matter what gender they want sex with, its something they want.

Please use spell check, particularly if you plan to insist on being understood clearly.

I didn't take you out of context. You definitely wrote that because you and your husband are swingers and in a strong open relationship neither of you ever cheats (correct we dont and that was all I was saying). You then contrasted that with monogamous relationships of the types you described as reiterated above, and said that cheating only happens in those kinds of relationships.

Well, I disagree. I did (already) explain, using my own relationship as an example, precisely why I disagree with you (however I was not talking about your open relationship, only about manogamous ones with poor communication,etc, yours isnt). As I stated, when my marriage was monogamous, (and before we were married, when our relationship was also monogamous) I wanted to have sex with other men. What I didn't state here (but have stated in the past) is that I have actually needed far, far, far more sex than I get at home since the very beginning of my relationship with my husband. We have been together for over five years now; the marriage has been open only since August.

Before I cut off my lovers in preparation for (just the merest possibility) of a relationship with my husband, I kept company with a steady rotation of at least three, usually four, and occasionally five men who loved to fuck. I had sex eight times weekly, on average. I want sex eight times a week; that's why I kept so many men around. I would prefer, as has been possible in all of my previous relationships, to have sex eight times a week with the same man.

My husband was unable to have sex with me for about a year (probably longer) when we started dating due to past emotional trauma that created sexual dysfunction. Even then it was anal only. He wouldn't come anywhere near my vagina. Eat me out? Hell no! Orgasms gave him panic attacks (mine and his). Prolonged kissing made his blanch and tremble. He wouldn't even permit me to masturbate in our bed, nor would he permit me to be naked in bed unless he had on underwear.

How, I ask you, in that situation could I get my needs even considered, let alone met? I desperately wanted to get laid. When we finally started having vaginal sex, months would pass between sessions. I rarely climaxed, at first. I almost left him. He's the one though; never have I felt more loved, more treasured, more respected, or more needed. Never has anyone seen through me so easily. Never has anyone's trust or friendship been so important to me, nor has anyone's trust and friendship been as flattering. In those early days I was the only woman alive whom he trusted enough to let pat him on the shoulder, far less share in his daily life.

Obviously, I stayed. What kind of woman would I be, what kind of person would I be if I abandoned him? Sure, I had unmet needs and desires; sure he had rigid expectations. I subverted my needs and desires because I knew his needs would change at some nebulous point in the future. I chose to wait.

His needs did change over time, as did our sexual connection which is fantastic, but not sufficiently frequent for me. I expected that as he healed, he would be like all my past significant others, and fuck me every day, at least once. One day, I realized that he was healed, and cured of all of his sexual phobias. We still only had sex three or four times a month. I decided it was time to address my needs. It would not have been appropriate before, but it is now. We spent a few months deciding, and settled upon most of the rules by which we now operate. A few things have been adjusted as we adapt to a different configuration of our marriage.

There is no such thing, to my knowledge, as a relationship with absolutely no boundaries. Everyone has things they need, things they don't like, and things/experiences to which they would prefer not to be exposed. Those are generally the basis of boundaries, and the boundaries people have create the spoken and unspoken contracts between people.

Because mine is a marriage built upon excellent communication, expectations and boundaries are crystal clear. It is entirely possible (if improbable) for either of us to disregard some agreement or other which we have made. I have never cheated on him. I became inappropriately emotionally attached to a confidant who was in a similar situation to mine, but within the definition of our relationship, that wasn't (and still isn't) cheating. Even though we have an open relationship, and I have a lover, it is entirely possible for me to cheat in the ways I described in my previous post, and in countless other ways. When trying to decide if we wanted to open our marriage up, we consulted several other couples in various types of open relationships. Some of them had cheated even though the rules and expectations were very, very flexible and accommodating.

You very clearly stated that cheating only happens in monogamous relationships, and very obviously implied that cheating never happens in open relationships through your own choice of words No I didnt. Because of what I have learned from my experience, it seems to me you are in no position to speak in such absolutes. Comparing monogamy to your relationship style in the way you did absolutely highlights your bias, and is glaringly judgemental as MB astutely pointed out.

Well I'm sorry you mininturrpreted what I said. But in my previous post I stated what I was attempting to say, you can accept my explaination or not, thats your choice.
 

AlteredEgo

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Well I'm sorry you mininturrpreted what I said. But in my previous post I stated what I was attempting to say, you can accept my explaination or not, thats your choice.
Seriously. Spell-check can be your friend. Right-click on misspelled words underscored in red, and the correct spelling appears, as if by magic!

Also, it is incredibly bad form to use the quote feature, and put your own writing within the quote. Please put "[/quote]" where quotes end, and "
" where you want the quoted text to continue. As you can see, doing it your way alters the content of my post as it appears in your quote (generally against TOS) and makes it impossible for the next person to have your words appear in their own quote of what you wrote.

You wrote what you wrote, and you hate disapproval. You already sang your song, you can change the lyrics if you want to but that makes it an entirely different ditty. This will go nowhere, just like back-peddling on a bicycle.
 
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ManlyBanisters

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Hey chinagirl - The way you talk about monogamous relationship is very judgmental. I don't judge your chosen relationship type.

And just because a person wants something it doesn't mean it is his/her right to have it with no regard to other duties or privileges.

you are misinturreting me, I did not say all manogamous relationships are characterised like this, but ones that cheating occurs are.

You already responded to that post I made on the first page. You said:

I apologise, Manly you are correct , even in a open relationship if you hide / lied about what you are doing tonight, who you are on cam with, you emails with the desire to meet that someone for sex, then yes thats cheating too, or you dont love your main partner.
Just thats not a open loving relationship is it .

It seemed to me like we were in agreement and I'm not sure why you've chosen to take issue with my comments again.

It did look like you were saying monogamous relationships were inferior, you responded with a clarification that you weren't. As far as I am concerned we're cool, yes?
 

D_Fiona_Farvel

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To the OP, for me it would not matter.

I cant answer this for you as my hubby and I are swingers, in a very strong open open relationship, so we never cheat .

Cheating only happens in manogymous relationships that are based (characterised) on possesion/ ownership, jealousy, poor communication, unmeet needs,fragile ego, low self esteem and rigid expectations .

In other words you feel you are being cheated, because you are not accepting that want or need more.
It doesnt matter what gender they want sex with, its something they want.
Even though I agree open relationships side-step a lot of issues, I think there is still plenty of opportunity to cross some boundary and hurt the other partner/jeopardize the faith in the open relationship. Which may not be the case for your relationship, but speaking as someone who also has experience in ORs - relationships in general - there is always a chance of one partner taking offense to some activity (even emotional intimacy) and view it as cheating.

That's what I mean, going to the other person about what you'd like to have them do or not do within reason and if the other person still refuses after being told you will find someone else to do that particular thing, then go for it. Not everyone will agree with me. I don't expect them to.
Agreed, Ms. R.
I feel particularly strong about this with regard to sexless marriages, as I think everyone needs and deserves intimate contact and affection, which can be absent from an otherwise solid union/partnership.
 

D_Jacqueline_Boozann

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Hey, why did you get married in the first place -- well, unless you got her pregnant, and you thought that was the honorable thing to do?

So many married men tell me their wives no longer are intimate. The next words out of my mouth are: "have you communicated your feelings?" Usually, the response is:
"yes, but she works hard, she's too tired for sex, and she's no longer interested in sex." Oops, readers, red flags, everywhere -- and I don't see any yellow, caution ones.

If a man or a woman has the inclination to cheat before marriage, my advice, stay single. Even in single relationships, cheating should be avoided, too.
 

ManlyBanisters

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Hey, why did you get married in the first place -- well, unless you got her pregnant, and you thought that was the honorable thing to do?

So many married men tell me their wives no longer are intimate. The next words out of my mouth are: "have you communicated your feelings?" Usually, the response is:
"yes, but she works hard, she's too tired for sex, and she's no longer interested in sex." Oops, readers, red flags, everywhere -- and I don't see any yellow, caution ones.

If a man or a woman has the inclination to cheat before marriage, my advice, stay single. Even in single relationships, cheating should be avoided, too.

What's the point in answering a thread to which you have paid no attention whatsoever. The OP is not the married man in question

And your general 'avoiding cheating' advice is empty horseshit. Really?? No fucking shit! Have you anything of substance to say?