If your going to quote me, please keep it in the context it was written.
I was assuming he was/still is in a manogamous relationship, not a open one. I was not suggesting or implying which is best.
Now if you disagree that a relationship that involves any of those things is not at risk, then please feel free, to explain why.
But please dont post I was saying what I wasnt.
Please use spell check, particularly if you plan to insist on being understood clearly.
I didn't take you out of context. You definitely wrote that because you and your husband are swingers and in a strong open relationship neither of you ever cheats. You then contrasted that with monogamous relationships of the type you described as reiterated above, and said that cheating only happens in those kinds of relationships.
Well, I disagree. I did (already) explain, using my own relationship as an example, precisely why I disagree with you. As I stated, when my marriage was monogamous, (and before we were married, when our relationship was also monogamous) I wanted to have sex with other men. What I didn't state here (but have stated in the past) is that I have actually needed far, far, far more sex than I get at home since the very beginning of my relationship with my husband. We have been together for over five years now; the marriage has been open only since August.
Before I cut off my lovers in preparation for (just the merest possibility) of a relationship with my husband, I kept company with a steady rotation of at least three, usually four, and occasionally five men who loved to fuck. I had sex eight times weekly, on average. I want sex eight times a week; that's why I kept so many men around. I would prefer, as has been possible in all of my previous relationships, to have sex eight times a week with the same man.
My husband was unable to have sex with me for about a year (probably longer) when we started dating due to past emotional trauma that created sexual dysfunction. Even then it was anal only. He wouldn't come anywhere near my vagina. Eat me out? Hell no! Orgasms gave him panic attacks (mine and his). Prolonged kissing made his blanch and tremble. He wouldn't even permit me to masturbate in our bed, nor would he permit me to be naked in bed unless he had on underwear.
How, I ask you, in that situation could I get my needs even considered, let alone met? I desperately wanted to get laid. When we finally started having vaginal sex, months would pass between sessions. I rarely climaxed, at first. I almost left him. He's the one though; never have I felt more loved, more treasured, more respected, or more needed. Never has anyone seen through me so easily. Never has anyone's trust or friendship been so important to me, nor has anyone's trust and friendship been as flattering. In those early days I was the only woman alive whom he trusted enough to let pat him on the shoulder, far less share in his daily life.
Obviously, I stayed. What kind of woman would I be, what kind of person would I be if I abandoned him? Sure, I had unmet needs and desires; sure he had rigid expectations. I subverted my needs and desires because I knew his needs would change at some nebulous point in the future. I chose to wait.
His needs did change over time, as did our sexual connection which is fantastic, but not sufficiently frequent for me. I expected that as he healed, he would be like all my past significant others, and fuck me every day, at least once. One day, I realized that he was healed, and cured of all of his sexual phobias. We still only had sex three or four times a month. I decided it was time to address my needs. It would not have been appropriate before, but it is now. We spent a few months deciding, and settled upon most of the rules by which we now operate. A few things have been adjusted as we adapt to a different configuration of our marriage.
There is no such thing, to my knowledge, as a relationship with absolutely no boundaries. Everyone has things they need, things they don't like, and things/experiences to which they would prefer not to be exposed. Those are generally the basis of boundaries, and the boundaries people have create the spoken and unspoken contracts between people.
Because mine is a marriage built upon excellent communication, expectations and boundaries are crystal clear. It is entirely possible (if improbable) for either of us to disregard some agreement or other which we have made. I have never cheated on him. I became inappropriately emotionally attached to a confidant who was in a similar situation to mine, but within the definition of our relationship, that wasn't (and still isn't) cheating. Even though we have an open relationship, and I have a lover, it is entirely possible for me to cheat in the ways I described in my previous post, and in countless other ways. When trying to decide if we wanted to open our marriage up, we consulted several other couples in various types of open relationships. Some of them had cheated even though the rules and expectations were very, very flexible and accommodating.
You very clearly stated that cheating only happens in monogamous relationships, and very obviously implied that cheating never happens in open relationships through your own choice of words.
Cheating only happens in manogymous relationships...
Because of what I have learned from my experience, it seems to me you are in no position to speak in such absolutes. Comparing monogamy to your relationship style in the way you did absolutely highlights your bias, and is glaringly judgemental as MB astutely pointed out.