I'm 26 and never been in a relationship, any advice?

[Willo]

So I'm a gay guy currently 26, later this year turning 27 and I've never been in a serious committed relationship. This tends to shock people when I tell them, specially the types who tend to have a new relationship every few months.

I grew up in a more rural setting on a small town so during high school my options were limited, went after one gay guy and he didn't like me back. When I went to college I moved to a big city, unfortunately when I moved there I became friends with another guy from my hometown. We grew very close and became best friends and I started developing feelings for him, which again were never reciprocated. He only liked men twice our age and always made sure to rub in my face how they were so much hotter than me. I started to get confidence issues and seeking out older men too, but unlike him who actually got into very messy relationships with these men (one of them started online stalking and harassing us and another one cheated on him and gave him STDs) I never actually saw these men as more than a way to get off due to the age gap.

As you can figure, me and him eventually stopped being friends, but I felt like I wasted all my college years so focused on this person. Afterwards I grew closer to the one guy from my college class I managed to have a good friendship with and developed feelings for him too. But things with him got messy, he was a "straight" guy who had just broken up with his girlfriend and was figuring out his sexuality and I was still shaken from my past friendship. This was a total recipe for disaster and culminated in him getting a new girlfriend and never speaking to me again.

After these guys I feel like I've not really developed true feelings for anyone but it's also been hard to meet new people after college. I've become friends with coworkers but those friendships tend to be very tied to the company and once someone switches jobs we go from friends to instagram followers. Recently I've been trying to be more outspoken at the gym, due to spending more time there, trying to improve myself and have really been able to become more confident. But at the gym it feels awkward trying to interact also most guys there are straight, the only gay guys I see there are only interested in cruising the showers.

All that's left is dating apps which haven't helped that much. Grindr is great if you're looking for a hook up but try to have a chat that isn't based on nudes is impossible and Tinder is full of guys who I just don't relate to. That's also another problem I have: I feel like gay guys just don't have the same mindset that I do. Most of them are either alcoholics or drug addicts, it's very hard to find a gay guy who isn't interested in going out to clubs every night, likes working out and is career driven. I'm not saying this to be mean, I'm not the hottest guy of all time, I just like to workout and try to improve myself but this seems like such a weird concept for most gay guys I meet who don't care if they're skinny or fat.

I guess maybe my standards are higher than most, but I don't think it's a problem to not want to settle with just about anymore. I just like connection and been hard to get that these past years. It's like a cycle I can't break out of because I really don't meet new people often. All I think about is that if I could turn back time I would do it all differently to not end up alone. I'm not really old but as I get closer to 30 these thoughts have been more haunting.

 

[Evenflow618]

Have you tried local events that are targeting singles?

 

[BRLS]

So I'm a gay guy currently 26, later this year turning 27 and I've never been in a serious committed relationship. This tends to shock people when I tell them, specially the types who tend to have a new relationship every few months.

I grew up in a more rural setting on a small town so during high school my options were limited, went after one gay guy and he didn't like me back. When I went to college I moved to a big city, unfortunately when I moved there I became friends with another guy from my hometown. We grew very close and became best friends and I started developing feelings for him, which again were never reciprocated. He only liked men twice our age and always made sure to rub in my face how they were so much hotter than me. I started to get confidence issues and seeking out older men too, but unlike him who actually got into very messy relationships with these men (one of them started online stalking and harassing us and another one cheated on him and gave him STDs) I never actually saw these men as more than a way to get off due to the age gap.

As you can figure, me and him eventually stopped being friends, but I felt like I wasted all my college years so focused on this person. Afterwards I grew closer to the one guy from my college class I managed to have a good friendship with and developed feelings for him too. But things with him got messy, he was a "straight" guy who had just broken up with his girlfriend and was figuring out his sexuality and I was still shaken from my past friendship. This was a total recipe for disaster and culminated in him getting a new girlfriend and never speaking to me again.

After these guys I feel like I've not really developed true feelings for anyone but it's also been hard to meet new people after college. I've become friends with coworkers but those friendships tend to be very tied to the company and once someone switches jobs we go from friends to instagram followers. Recently I've been trying to be more outspoken at the gym, due to spending more time there, trying to improve myself and have really been able to become more confident. But at the gym it feels awkward trying to interact also most guys there are straight, the only gay guys I see there are only interested in cruising the showers.

All that's left is dating apps which haven't helped that much. Grindr is great if you're looking for a hook up but try to have a chat that isn't based on nudes is impossible and Tinder is full of guys who I just don't relate to. That's also another problem I have: I feel like gay guys just don't have the same mindset that I do. Most of them are either alcoholics or drug addicts, it's very hard to find a gay guy who isn't interested in going out to clubs every night, likes working out and is career driven. I'm not saying this to be mean, I'm not the hottest guy of all time, I just like to workout and try to improve myself but this seems like such a weird concept for most gay guys I meet who don't care if they're skinny or fat.

I guess maybe my standards are higher than most, but I don't think it's a problem to not want to settle with just about anymore. I just like connection and been hard to get that these past years. It's like a cycle I can't break out of because I really don't meet new people often. All I think about is that if I could turn back time I would do it all differently to not end up alone. I'm not really old but as I get closer to 30 these thoughts have been more haunting.

Hey, Willo! I'm gay (or bi, I can't tell) and was also born in 1998. I relate immensely to your story cause I feel the same. I must be one of the few gay guys that don't lile drinking, using drugs or going to a club every night.
I felt exactly this way when I was single. I thought I would end up living and dying alone. The only person I ever kissed or had sex is my boyfriend, whom I met 6 years ago on Tinder.
Maybe if you can't have sex with people without having feelings for them, you might be demisexual like me. But tags are not important. What is important is you to trully know yourself.
So ask yourself and think about it: how would you feel if you try to fill these feelings of being alone by going out with random people, kissing and having sex and fun? If it is a negative answer, then maybe you shouldn't do it, maybe you should do things your way, what makes you feel comfortable.
They say that it is not the destination that's important, but the way to it. Trust me when I say that YOU WILL find the right person for your life (nobody is perfect, keep that in mind). But what do you want to do until then?
Sometimes I too ask myself if I made The right choices, if I didn't waste my golden years by doing "nothing". But I was focused on my life, trying to accomplish my dreams. We can't go back in the past, but we can reflect on what we were wrong and try to do things right from now on.

If you need any help or someone to talk to, please send me a message

 

[Willo]

Hey, Willo! I'm gay (or bi, I can't tell) and was also born in 1998. I relate immensely to your story cause I feel the same. I must be one of the few gay guys that don't lile drinking, using drugs or going to a club every night.
I felt exactly this way when I was single. I thought I would end up living and dying alone. The only person I ever kissed or had sex is my boyfriend, whom I met 6 years ago on Tinder.
Maybe if you can't have sex with people without having feelings for them, you might be demisexual like me. But tags are not important. What is important is you to trully know yourself.
So ask yourself and think about it: how would you feel if you try to fill these feelings of being alone by going out with random people, kissing and having sex and fun? If it is a negative answer, then maybe you shouldn't do it, maybe you should do things your way, what makes you feel comfortable.
They say that it is not the destination that's important, but the way to it. Trust me when I say that YOU WILL find the right person for your life (nobody is perfect, keep that in mind). But what do you want to do until then?
Sometimes I too ask myself if I made The right choices, if I didn't waste my golden years by doing "nothing". But I was focused on my life, trying to accomplish my dreams. We can't go back in the past, but we can reflect on what we were wrong and try to do things right from now on.

If you need any help or someone to talk to, please send me a message

Maybe you misunderstood some of my post. I didn't say I never had sex, just that I've never actually been in a comited relationship. I can definitely have sex with someone without getting feelings ,which is what I do most of the time. What I'm missing most is connection - meeting someone, hitting it off, developing feelings. Its hard to meet new people in real life so I turn a lot to dating apps but then, like I said, feels like I only find guys who are only into having sex or people who are just not in the same headspace that I am. It's hard to be hopeful when the only few guys I've actually felt a spark for never actually felt it back.

 

[BRLS]

Maybe you misunderstood some of my post. I didn't say I never had sex, just that I've never actually been in a comited relationship. I can definitely have sex with someone without getting feelings ,which is what I do most of the time. What I'm missing most is connection - meeting someone, hitting it off, developing feelings. Its hard to meet new people in real life so I turn a lot to dating apps but then, like I said, feels like I only find guys who are only into having sex or people who are just not in the same headspace that I am. It's hard to be hopeful when the only few guys I've actually felt a spark for never actually felt it back.

Sorry for not being clear. I wasn't saying that you never had sex, just that it was my case. But as you said, you can have casual sex but you do miss connections. Love isn't something we choose. We simply fall in love with someone, then we make our best to make it work (or not).
I'm gonna be honest in my opinion: the first impression defines if someone likes you or not. The brain takes less than a second to make that decision based on many things. One of them (and I think is the most impacting) is appearence. You said that you work out and I guess must be handsome, so most of people are gonna have a good first impression.
In order to stay interesting, your personality comes in game. Talking, going out etc. What I want to say is: do not feel bad or guilty or anything negative because people you like might not feel the same.

I'm tending to believe now that you attract what energies, or vibe, you invest on. So if you really want to find that right person for you, I suggest you exhale a loving vibe if you already don't. How? Simply being more positive, polite (wishing good morning to that gym receptionist or cleaner), lovely, not necessarily only with who you are interested.
Also the gym is a great place to flirt with someone. I mean, I guess you must do it a lot, but look at guys you find handsome and make them notice you are looking at them, while making it seem you are trying to hide (when you're not) is a great way to call attention without crossing borders. If they like guys too, then in a few days they will make you know it or even talk to you.

And be mindful that not always you gonna end up with someone you always had a crush. Sometimes you gotta give a chance to people you might not be interest now. Who know you might be falling in love or at least having some feelings after knowing him better?

 

[juanarchie]

So I'm a gay guy currently 26, later this year turning 27 and I've never been in a serious committed relationship. This tends to shock people when I tell them, specially the types who tend to have a new relationship every few months.

I grew up in a more rural setting on a small town so during high school my options were limited, went after one gay guy and he didn't like me back. When I went to college I moved to a big city, unfortunately when I moved there I became friends with another guy from my hometown. We grew very close and became best friends and I started developing feelings for him, which again were never reciprocated. He only liked men twice our age and always made sure to rub in my face how they were so much hotter than me. I started to get confidence issues and seeking out older men too, but unlike him who actually got into very messy relationships with these men (one of them started online stalking and harassing us and another one cheated on him and gave him STDs) I never actually saw these men as more than a way to get off due to the age gap.

As you can figure, me and him eventually stopped being friends, but I felt like I wasted all my college years so focused on this person. Afterwards I grew closer to the one guy from my college class I managed to have a good friendship with and developed feelings for him too. But things with him got messy, he was a "straight" guy who had just broken up with his girlfriend and was figuring out his sexuality and I was still shaken from my past friendship. This was a total recipe for disaster and culminated in him getting a new girlfriend and never speaking to me again.

After these guys I feel like I've not really developed true feelings for anyone but it's also been hard to meet new people after college. I've become friends with coworkers but those friendships tend to be very tied to the company and once someone switches jobs we go from friends to instagram followers. Recently I've been trying to be more outspoken at the gym, due to spending more time there, trying to improve myself and have really been able to become more confident. But at the gym it feels awkward trying to interact also most guys there are straight, the only gay guys I see there are only interested in cruising the showers.

All that's left is dating apps which haven't helped that much. Grindr is great if you're looking for a hook up but try to have a chat that isn't based on nudes is impossible and Tinder is full of guys who I just don't relate to. That's also another problem I have: I feel like gay guys just don't have the same mindset that I do. Most of them are either alcoholics or drug addicts, it's very hard to find a gay guy who isn't interested in going out to clubs every night, likes working out and is career driven. I'm not saying this to be mean, I'm not the hottest guy of all time, I just like to workout and try to improve myself but this seems like such a weird concept for most gay guys I meet who don't care if they're skinny or fat.

I guess maybe my standards are higher than most, but I don't think it's a problem to not want to settle with just about anymore. I just like connection and been hard to get that these past years. It's like a cycle I can't break out of because I really don't meet new people often. All I think about is that if I could turn back time I would do it all differently to not end up alone. I'm not really old but as I get closer to 30 these thoughts have been more haunting.

you been single the whole time? you're a pure top?

 

[dreambridger]

so you're the age I was right before I had my first LTR, which lasted almost four years, was horribly abusive and ended in SA.

my only LTR after that was the rebound relationship from that, lasting almost two years, someone I never really felt connected to, I just felt like I needed him at the time in order to feel safe -- we still lived in the same small town as my abuser and the rebound guy was a 6'2" ultra ripped black dude, so it was a comfort to have him around, but I never felt like him and I connected that romantically, it was more just circumstance. Still no hard feelings with that dude, we're still friendly with each other.

other than that I've only had brief flings, like three months of dating someone or something like that.

I'm 36 right now and I've still never experienced truthful, requited love and attraction with someone. In that sense I don't feel like I'm in any different position than you are in now, because I don't feel like the LTRs I've had have "counted". I wish I knew what real love felt like but I also doubt its existence. it's so discouraging, honestly, because I'm getting sick of casual sex, but also feel like entering into relationship just for sexual convenience would also be unfulfilling and feel like a trap. But I'm also dissatisfied by being purely auto sexual. So I don't know what the fuck to do. all my gay friends my age all ready have partners that they've been with for many years and are happy with them. It's got me kind of depressed, I see no romantic future for myself and I don't know if I want any future at all if that's going to be case.

 

[guydelft]

I met my boyfriend when I was 30. He was also 30 (turned out to be 6 days younger than me, lol). This year we celebrate our 35 years together. I remember having similar thoughts when I was in my late 20s, but obviously things worked out well for us.

 

[Willo]

you been single the whole time? you're a pure top

I've always been single, yes. Not a pure top, I'm more vers bottom

 

[Willo]

so you're the age I was right before I had my first LTR, which lasted almost four years, was horribly abusive and ended in SA.

my only LTR after that was the rebound relationship from that, lasting almost two years, someone I never really felt connected to, I just felt like I needed him at the time in order to feel safe -- we still lived in the same small town as my abuser and the rebound guy was a 6'2" ultra ripped black dude, so it was a comfort to have him around, but I never felt like him and I connected that romantically, it was more just circumstance. Still no hard feelings with that dude, we're still friendly with each other.

other than that I've only had brief flings, like three months of dating someone or something like that.

I'm 36 right now and I've still never experienced truthful, requited love and attraction with someone. In that sense I don't feel like I'm in any different position than you are in now, because I don't feel like the LTRs I've had have "counted". I wish I knew what real love felt like but I also doubt its existence. it's so discouraging, honestly, because I'm getting sick of casual sex, but also feel like entering into relationship just for sexual convenience would also be unfulfilling and feel like a trap. But I'm also dissatisfied by being purely auto sexual. So I don't know what the fuck to do. all my gay friends my age all ready have partners that they've been with for many years and are happy with them. It's got me kind of depressed, I see no romantic future for myself and I don't know if I want any future at all if that's going to be case.

I don't think you need to be so pessimistic about your future. If you've had three month flings you've definitely been doing better than me. We as humans require connection but it is also possible to live our lives in our own individuality.

 

[Willo]

Sorry for not being clear. I wasn't saying that you never had sex, just that it was my case. But as you said, you can have casual sex but you do miss connections. Love isn't something we choose. We simply fall in love with someone, then we make our best to make it work (or not).
I'm gonna be honest in my opinion: the first impression defines if someone likes you or not. The brain takes less than a second to make that decision based on many things. One of them (and I think is the most impacting) is appearence. You said that you work out and I guess must be handsome, so most of people are gonna have a good first impression.
In order to stay interesting, your personality comes in game. Talking, going out etc. What I want to say is: do not feel bad or guilty or anything negative because people you like might not feel the same.

I'm tending to believe now that you attract what energies, or vibe, you invest on. So if you really want to find that right person for you, I suggest you exhale a loving vibe if you already don't. How? Simply being more positive, polite (wishing good morning to that gym receptionist or cleaner), lovely, not necessarily only with who you are interested.
Also the gym is a great place to flirt with someone. I mean, I guess you must do it a lot, but look at guys you find handsome and make them notice you are looking at them, while making it seem you are trying to hide (when you're not) is a great way to call attention without crossing borders. If they like guys too, then in a few days they will make you know it or even talk to you.

And be mindful that not always you gonna end up with someone you always had a crush. Sometimes you gotta give a chance to people you might not be interest now. Who know you might be falling in love or at least having some feelings after knowing him better?

I've never really felt handsome, i've had some self esteem spikes where i felt better with myself but then it always feels like i get knocked down to the reality which is that I'm not that hot compared to most guys.

I do work out but I feel like for the time and effort I put in it, it has manifested more results in my psych than my physique. I'm obviously better looking now than when I didnt workout but I think the biggest effect is that it made me a more calm and patient person. A few years ago when I wasn't that dedicated to working out I was a nervous wreck, I would get anxiety over anything.

I have tried being more chatty at the gym and now theres a couple of people I regularly greet there. One of them being a guy I used to see there a lot at the same time as me. I felt him often looking at me and then a couple of times he placed his locker right next to mine even with other spaces available so I decided to ask him for a cigarette to strike up conversion, since I had seen him smoke outside the gym before.

We chat all the time whenever we see each other there but he has mentioned an ex-girlfriend. He has also taken forever to reply to any messages I've tried sending him to try to have some kind of interaction outside of the gym and he said he just doesn't do social media and often ignores people. So I also feel like this is the case of someone who will be emotionally unavailable for a friendship, let alone anything else.

 

[dreambridger]

I don't think you need to be so pessimistic about your future. If you've had three month flings you've definitely been doing better than me. We as humans require connection but it is also possible to live our lives in our own individuality.

I was a bit down that day and am not always so hopeless.

though I do stand by the warning that desperation for connection can put you in bad situations, and if even it's not a bad situation, when you're dating someone who you don't feel a real connection with, it's not that different from being single.

admittedly it's tough for gay men in general. we have like 2% of the population to choose from. almost every married gay man I know found their husband in a foreign country, even ones who were from big cities initially.