I think the OP and the last poster on this thread share something: They want to be known as people who happen to be gay, not gay people (with the adjective always and inevitably coloring the noun, somehow making it different from the norm).
In some ways, I share this feeling. I'm a human being first--a citizen of the galaxy, in Robert Heinlein's novel's memorable title. Secondary to me are gender, skin color, sexual orientation, geographic considerations, ethnicity, religiosity, and so forth.
Yes, it would indeed be nice to, as the OP says, be gay without having to be "gay" in the same cultural ways others are gay. And to have others understand that you are in a long-term relationship with another man but that you're not what most people think of when they think of "gay." Not the stereotypical professions, not the stereotypical mannerisms, not any of that.
But in the middle of "that's not me," I also tend to spare at least one thankful thought appreciating the efforts of those who went before me who smoothed my way--typically, those "gay" or "queer" types (those "sexual outlaws") who pushed the envelope of what "gay" could mean so that I could be more comfortable being myself. I thank those drag queens at the Stonewall for being so out and so brave. I appreciate those flaming guys and butch girls who don't hide--who live the stereotype every day and act as a lightning rod protecting me so that I don't have to feel as strongly what they undoubtedly feel several times a day: the intense hatred directed against difference in this society.
So I don't "blame the victim" by hating to be around incredibly over-the-top gay men and women. Instead, I tell them how brave I think they are, and I congratulate them--often in front of homophobes, if I can--for dealing with homophobic bullshit every day of their lives.
After all, their presence has made my kind of homosexuality seem more normal--which benefits me tremendously by deflecting some of that hatred.
I suppose I'm saying to the OP that you don't have to be "gay" in the same ways other men are gay, and you don't have to behave the same way culturally, but you do need to realize that your freedom to choose another kind of gayness comes from stereotypical gays' and lesbians' bravery in being out and proud.
NCbear (who tries to treat everyone as a worthwhile person who has earned his or her time on this earth)
