I'm always the one that initiates sex.

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Crex, Mar 20, 2010.

  1. Crex

    Crex Active Member

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    So this has been bothering me a little as of late.

    With my friend, I am always the one that initiates sex. We use to be pretty hot and heavy, at least once a day, sometimes more. Things have slowed down to about two or three times a week, which I am OK with.

    But he never makes the first move. I don't know what to do about it and it is starting to hurt my feelings a little bit. It seems like I'm way more interested in it than he is.

    Has anyone else ever been in this situation? If so, what did you do about it? Is this really even that big of a deal or am I just being too sensitive about this whole issue? Any comments/thoughts are appreciated.
     
    miketiger68 likes this.
  2. baldyboy8000

    baldyboy8000 Member

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    Yes, and I don't like it.
     
  3. georgiabass14

    georgiabass14 Member

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    Agreed. Have you always been the instigator? You might have set a bad precedent for yourself. I hate it when I do that too.
     
  4. SpeedoMike

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    this is common in a lot of relationships.
     
  5. lopo2000

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    Maybe what you can do is to really slow down now. Cuddle and do all the foreplays but don't go further to sex. Do this for several days and see how he reacts. But of course don't be reserved and hurtful. Do it in affectionate way but never proceeds to sex, if you know what i mean. If he asked, perhaps you can say, "maybe we can do if you're ready."
     
  6. goodwood

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    i seem to have always wanted sex more often than my partners.
    there was one woman that matched me in the libido dept. and i thought
    i was set, but it didn't work out.
    but to answer your question of what did i do about it, since it was always on my
    mind, i would do everything i could think of to be thoughtful - kiss her on the cheek on her way to work, clean the house, do lawn work or housework, draw her a bath, arrange social things - anything to make her life a bit easier and more pleasant and hope that she appreciated it enough to appreciate me in the form of sex. sadly, no matter what i did - most of the time it didn't end up with sex. : (
     
  7. D_Jurgen Klitgaard

    D_Jurgen Klitgaard Account Disabled

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    Try opening up to your partner and talking about it if you can. Relationships need work to grow. If you care for each other, work together to keep things new and exciting. Maybe your partner is in a rut. Don't hate him for it, try talking to him and understanding him, and understand that it's something that can happen in relationships whether you want it to or not.
     
  8. SpoiledPrincess

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    You're way more interested in it than he is ;-)

    There's usually some disparity between the sexual needs of a couple, once you do initiate sex how does he respond, is he enthusiastic or does he make you feel like he's doing you a favour. The first thing you should do is tell him how you feel, that it makes you feel unwanted, that he's losing interest whatever else it makes you feel. Maybe there's some reason he's not so keen on initiating things? When you were hot and heavy did he initiate and if he did when did he stop taking the first step?

    Are you both trying to keep things interesting. Sometimes people are more eager to initiate if they feel it isn't going to be the same old performance. Has he been recently overloaded with work or some family problems that are stifling his sex drive.

    You need to talk to him first but realise that with for many couples, once the first flush of lust is over, it's quite normal for their sex life to settle into a bit of a rut, revisiting old ground, settling into a pattern.
     
  9. B_nyvin

    B_nyvin New Member

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    Start an affair with someone else you like
     
  10. Crex

    Crex Active Member

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    Thanks for the advice, and unfortunately, I'm pretty sure I subconsciously set this as a precedence. I think I'm just going to not initiate it for a while and see if he takes the lead. Perhaps by letting him make the first mood when he really wants it will non verbally communicate that I'm OK with not always being the one that makes decisions sexually. I know communication is the key, but I am a little hesitant to talk to him about it because what we have is quite difficult to define, and since we're not technically in a relationship, I don't want to communicate like we are. I know it sounds crazy, but there are unspoken grounds to our intimacy that have always been there, and I'm not ready to completely change them just yet.
     
  11. georgiabass14

    georgiabass14 Member

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    How out are the both of you?
     
  12. helgaleena

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    All you have to do is start to flirt with him one time, then when you have his attention, say "I think we are in a rut," and back off. It is a sure way to get the two of you talking about it. If all goes well he will jump on you.
     
  13. MarkLondon

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    As long as he's responding to your initiatives, I wouldn't worry about it. Some of us just aren't so good at getting things going/reading others' moods.


    Oops, that might work for a woman in a heterosexual relationship, or possibly even in a committed relationship between two male lovers, but a lot of guys will think "You think we're in a rut? Right, I'm off."
     
  14. LibraRising79

    LibraRising79 New Member

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    Same. If you figure out the answer to this, let me know.
     
  15. LibraRising79

    LibraRising79 New Member

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    Same. If you find the answer, let me know.
     
  16. Mickey1234

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    It may be as simple as that you have a higher sex drive than he does so that he doesn't have a "chance" to initiate. If you're an every night kind of person and he's a three times a week guy, by definition you will have initiated before he will have. As someone else here said, as long as he's responsive, I don't think you really have a problem.

    Two other points: he may be shy or feel uncomfortable initiating. In that case, you make it easier for him when you are the aggressor. But we all like to be pursued, to be shown that we are actively wanted. You clearly do. If his perceived passivity is causing you such deep insecurity that it's truly upsetting your relationship, the only way to resolve this is to have an open and honest conversation with him about it where you acknowledge your feelings free of accusation or guilt. Good luck.
     
  17. Phil Ayesho

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    Oh, right... yes absolutely START PLAYING PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE MIND GAMES WITH HIM.
    That's always sure to make things work out fine.

    For one- Maybe that's just his thing... to feel like the one who is pursued excites him.
    For two- maybe he just has a lower sex drive than you do and so your gear starts grinding before he gets around to it.


    But no matter what- the solution is to TALK with him about it. Just be open and ask him if there is some reason he never initiates.
    His explanation may make the whole thing seem silly and it cease to be an issue for you.
    Or, its possible it might lead to a better understanding of his sexual needs in relation to yours.
    Or, it could reveal a fundamental incompatibility that spurs you to wander off to find a new relationship that might work better for you.

    Sex a couple or three times per week with a steady is actually well above the national average. You are whining about nothing.
    If he likes you to make the first move, and he's responsive when you do... then things a pretty great. Stop INVENTING suffering by thinking other people should be different than they are.
     
  18. lil_john

    lil_john Member

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    This happened with me and my dude. He has always had a lower sex drive than I do, but we'd have sex less and less. I was worried that it was because he didn't want me, and he wasn't actually sure that it wasn't that. I was so worried.

    At the same time, he isn't as experienced with relationships as I am, and I had the sense that it may have just been that the initial "sex every moment" phase had moved into the "sex when we can" phase. We discussed it, and he really was attracted to me. While he was also initially worried that he had lost that attraction, that worry wore away once he realized: 1) he wanted me differently as we moved from lust to love, and 2) he wanted me over anyone else he saw. On top of that, I'm a top and a bit below average (and in the gay world, below average is usually considered extremely small), so I always had it on my mind that maybe I wasn't what he wanted. When we discussed it, I made sure to be very forward about it and I asked him about it. I was saddened to hear that he was worried about it. When I asked him about whether or not he enjoyed anal sex with me, he replied almost instantly that he enjoyed it a lot. With that, he initiated and we had great sex then and there.

    While we don't have sex every day anymore, the handful of times we do have sex (usually a few times every week and we both work full-time) are fucking mindblowing. At the end of the day, the dude moved in with me and neither of us wants to open our relationship or do anything like that. I initiate most of the time, but that's not an indicator of bad things. If you initiate and he's hard in a second and he doesn't lose it (I assume that you're both in good health), then he wants you. It's fun to feel wanted in that way, but not everyone shows their want in the same way.

    Have a discussion, ask whatever you need to ask very clearly, and when your worries are put to rest, break the bed :)
     
  19. sudcalifornio

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    i don't see a major problem, you just wanna be a bitch, be careful, some guys like me if we detect this we run away
     
  20. kyle2457

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    With some sexbuddies, I let them initiate. Not because I don't want to, but because I'm waiting for them to be done with whatever they are doing. If we are talking I won't stop the conversation to kiss him, or if we are watching TV I'll wait until he seems to not be too focus on the show. And I sometime need a lot of hints to get the message (or imagine a hint when it was nothing), so I'd rather let them initiate.
     
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