I'm BACK (and more confused than ever!)
- Thread starter Garth33
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D_Tintagel_Demondong
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Advice on what garth? Why did you try to stay away from LPSG? There's alot of cool, smart, grounded people here who can help you if you put it out there.
vpasqual
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Sometimes if your life is fucked up there's nothing better than talking to strangers who you feel you can tell anything to and you're going to know that they have no investment in giving you the advice you want to hear, the advice you get is likely to be good honest impartial advice.
Fire away
Fire away
thanks for the replies...let me cut to the chase. I was lucky enough to marry my best friend and things were great for many years. It cooled off, as relationships do, but we planned a 10 year anniversary in Las Vegas and I was SO PUMPED! Seemed like a chance to rekindle things - or so I thought. We were having fun...got back to the room...wound up in the shower. I was on my knees, eating and fingering her - basically going to town and everything seemed good. She picked THIS time to tell me she never really liked being licked -- then proceeded to take 15 minutes to dry her hair before she came to bed. I was a little peeved it took so long (MY BALLS WERE KILLING ME! What can I tell you!) We had sex but things have NEVER been the same since and now frigid would be a complement in describing her interest. She's still my best friend but the sexual energy is totally gone. I can't cheat - I took a vow but now I'm just miserable with a hard cock and nowhere to put it....this sucks!
when you say "put it out there" you mean my feelings and thoughts right?
(just asking)Sometimes if your life is fucked up there's nothing better than talking to strangers who you feel you can tell anything to and you're going to know that they have no investment in giving you the advice you want to hear, the advice you get is likely to be good honest impartial advice.
Fire away
Thanks! I do have a question...the phrase "Bob's your Uncle!" How/Where is that derived from? I saw it on old public TV reruns of Fawlty Towers (John Cleese is GREAT!) but I never understood the context...
HazelGod
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You aren't being fair to yourself...you both took vows, and I seriously doubt either one of you agreed to celibacy in your relationship. If you went with the traditional arrangement, then you both agreed to exclusively serve each others' sexual needs. It's a two-way street...service guaranteeing exclusivity and vice versa. No exclusivity, no service...and vice versa.
As I see it, you have two options that don't result in your eventual insanity and spiteful resentment of your wife:
1. You explain the situation to her as you see it and discuss a plan for change. Maybe it involves changes for both of you, possibly couples therapy, possibly her tacit approval for you to discreetly relieve your needs elsewhere..the details are yours to work out. Pro: you build on the strengths of your relationship and come to some mutually beneficial arrangement. Con: you probably won't be getting as much sex as you want, and she'll be getting more than she'd like.
2. You pretend as though nothing is wrong and take a lover without her overt knowledge. Pro: your sexual needs are satisfied, and she doesn't feel "put upon" to perform in a manner she doesn't really want. Plus, her lack of desire isn't raised as a stumbling block in your relationship. Con: you have to suffer in silence with any guilt you might feel over cheating on her.
The longer you wait, the more time you waste. Personally, I'd feel cheated, duped, and betrayed, and would be of a mind to dump her on her frigid ass. You might even have grounds for an annulment. I don't mind one woman holding exclusive title to my junk, provided she makes good use of it. Let it sit on a shelf, and I'm likely to put it under new management, one way or another.
A good marriage is unique. There is no other relationship like it. I would hate to be described as my husbands 'best friend' nor would I describe him as mine. It goes beyond that. If you start seeing each other as good friends and that is where your relationship will stagnate. You married your lover, possibly the mother of your children. That is not friend material - it's true commitment and an intimacy greater than anything you will experience from friendship. My guess is the second you stop referring to her as this she will be more open to discussion. You see it as a compliment but personally I think the phrase falls short. Plus its very cliched.
Before you even think about sex with your wife again you need to ignite the passion and make your wife feel as if she is the sexiest thing alive and without her you can't draw breath. This does not mean groping her at every opportunity. That will only increase her feelings of pressure, because it is obvious to me that she too has reached stalemate and is witholding sex as an attempt to get you to start talking. The problem is you both feel such resentment because you have fallen into the routine aspect of marriage and you need a kick start again. Try to talk out of the blue, when you are relaxed and not when you are both angry or frustrated or feel rejection. Take some time away from the home in a wide open space and mentally rehearse the questions you want answered. Be prepared for negative response, like the revelation she does not like oral sex. Although again I think this was said for reaction value and to try and bring you down for reasons known only to herself. You naturally reacted badly, but it did nto start the dialogue she seems to be crying out for.If you do not ask these reasons then you will never know how to start healing your marriage.
Taking lovers is a possible answer but because you are angsting over it, can you be sure you will be able to carry out the subterfuge without feeling the need to confess to her once the deed is done? Your wife is the person you tell everything to. Can you be sure you wont blurt this out in anger if you two are at loggerheads over sex again?
Its a simple case of writing down the pros and cons of no longer being together and having a plan as to how you can get back to where you used to be, but remembering that in ten years your personalities, hopes and dreams may have changed.
If you put all of this effort in and the outcome is positive it was time worth spending on thinking your problem through. If you decide to part then at least you do it with an easy mind. Also it would be worth noting that she too may be thinking of taking a lover. How would that make you feel?
Before you even think about sex with your wife again you need to ignite the passion and make your wife feel as if she is the sexiest thing alive and without her you can't draw breath. This does not mean groping her at every opportunity. That will only increase her feelings of pressure, because it is obvious to me that she too has reached stalemate and is witholding sex as an attempt to get you to start talking. The problem is you both feel such resentment because you have fallen into the routine aspect of marriage and you need a kick start again. Try to talk out of the blue, when you are relaxed and not when you are both angry or frustrated or feel rejection. Take some time away from the home in a wide open space and mentally rehearse the questions you want answered. Be prepared for negative response, like the revelation she does not like oral sex. Although again I think this was said for reaction value and to try and bring you down for reasons known only to herself. You naturally reacted badly, but it did nto start the dialogue she seems to be crying out for.If you do not ask these reasons then you will never know how to start healing your marriage.
Taking lovers is a possible answer but because you are angsting over it, can you be sure you will be able to carry out the subterfuge without feeling the need to confess to her once the deed is done? Your wife is the person you tell everything to. Can you be sure you wont blurt this out in anger if you two are at loggerheads over sex again?
Its a simple case of writing down the pros and cons of no longer being together and having a plan as to how you can get back to where you used to be, but remembering that in ten years your personalities, hopes and dreams may have changed.
If you put all of this effort in and the outcome is positive it was time worth spending on thinking your problem through. If you decide to part then at least you do it with an easy mind. Also it would be worth noting that she too may be thinking of taking a lover. How would that make you feel?
Ed69
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- Ed69,
She took the same vow.Read 1st Corinthians 7.1-5 her frigidity is in direct violation of her vow's.Maybe you need to remind her?
Drifterwood
Superior Member
Why the hell should he?
He / they planned the Vegas thing, she threw it back in his face. I wouldn't reward her for being callous. I would want to know precisely why she is willing to treat you with so much disrespect, and I would ask her straight out, but set a time later or the next day for her to answer. Then take it from there.
DirkDiggler2007
Superior Member
Because they are married - and marriage is not about punishing and payback and looking for sex elsewhere when the going gets tough. Its about mutual respect in spending time reaffirming the commitment and vows. From his posting it seems to me that their marriage is going through a hitch. He wants to wander she wants to stop having sex and not one of them is asking the other why.
To keep up the hostility thus making each other guilty or unloved is another nail in the coffin. No person is going to respond favourably by being criticised over and over again. Yes talk but real talking starts when the accusations stop.
Long marriages do not last because of a retreat the second something goes wrong. They last because of time, effort and the meeting of minds and wanting a similar goal in life and going forward together.
The fact he has a desire to still be with his wife is a good grounding for a deep serious talk - not playing the 'ner ner ner ner ner' game that you seem to be suggesting
I am sure his wife will be absolutely delighted at you passing on this attitude to her husband of ten years! You describe her marriage as a temporary crossing of paths - how absolutely crass!!
We have heard one side of the story here. He has not told us of any efforts to try and reconcile, only whinged about not getting any. His wife might be ill, worried, depressed or a hundred and one other things. Until he asks then he'll never know but looking for a substitute before any avenues have been explored WITHIN their marriage, then that's pure selfishness in my eyes.
Marriage is not all about sex either, hugely important though that is. Most people enter into marriage for a long term commitment. Many people have all sorts of reasons that interupts a sex life they once enjoyed - ask anyone who's partner has been incapacitated through illness or accident etc. Do they all give up on the marriage because they can no longer have sex. Thats an extreme example but if people can carry on under such adversity then you owe it to your wife to try and sort this out. The same as she owes it to you to listen and talk back. One of you has to initiate this conversation - be the bigger person and YOU start that dialogue in a non confrontational way. She might be happily riding your cock for the next 20 years once she has been allowed to express herself without fear of being rejected! Women are very astute - do you think she hasn't realised her marriage is in trouble?
All I will say to you is TALK before you seek sex elsewhere because if your wife ever finds out then that will put a wedge between you thats far greater than her revelation that she doesn't like her pussy licked. Did you bother to ask her what you do that turns her on? No - I think you acted like a spoiled child having his furry toy taken away. She didn't refuse you sex in Vegas - from what I have read you can't get over the fact she has told you about ONE aspect of your sex life that doesn't appeal to her and thats all you cane home in on. She didn't say anything to you for ten years. Would you have liked her to continue for another ten years participating in a sex act shes not keen of?
Move this on and come back and tell us what you have done to make things right, not what you are going to do behind her back if she doesnt come up with the goods!
WOW! Thanks to everyone for all the replies...I appreciate the insight and totally forgot how valuable objective opinions can be. That's why I came back to lpsg:wink:
Yeah - we've tried to resolve "issues" - but everytime I bring up a point she counters with what I haven't "done for her". Believe me - I'm tried but the Las Vegas trip has been my biggest point of contention and she won't bend on that at all. I told her basically, "you owe me" and that debt hasn't been repayed in the least. I don't understand why? I'm not into biblical edicts about a husband and wife (not that there's anything wrong with that.) But I would never demand she do something she doesn't want to do and I've never (and would NEVER) raise a hand against her to make her comply...as I've said...I took a vow and I feel like I'm honor-bound to fulfill that committment although she does what she wants - but has not - to my knowlege - had an affair.
Am I a sucker? I've had chances outside of our marriage but I've always resisted based on the concept of "honor"...maybe I'm just stupid but I think there's something about committing to someone that should mean more but now I'm having this thrown back in my face. This is just the frustration showing through but it's eating my heart and soul alive and I hate it...
Yeah - we've tried to resolve "issues" - but everytime I bring up a point she counters with what I haven't "done for her". Believe me - I'm tried but the Las Vegas trip has been my biggest point of contention and she won't bend on that at all. I told her basically, "you owe me" and that debt hasn't been repayed in the least. I don't understand why? I'm not into biblical edicts about a husband and wife (not that there's anything wrong with that.) But I would never demand she do something she doesn't want to do and I've never (and would NEVER) raise a hand against her to make her comply...as I've said...I took a vow and I feel like I'm honor-bound to fulfill that committment although she does what she wants - but has not - to my knowlege - had an affair.
Am I a sucker? I've had chances outside of our marriage but I've always resisted based on the concept of "honor"...maybe I'm just stupid but I think there's something about committing to someone that should mean more but now I'm having this thrown back in my face. This is just the frustration showing through but it's eating my heart and soul alive and I hate it...
Well, stick around and be a martyr. or read, Don't Sweat The Small Stuff, and It's All Small Stuff". or see a professional counselor. or walk side by side taking turns leading. or follow your heart.
My grand parents had their share of challenges, but were so in love until they day they died. 69 years of marriage! I on the other hand was with a woman almost 2 years, got married and 6 months into it found out she was cheating. I divorced her. some years later we became friends again. That I believe is one of the most important things in any relationship. Be friends.
Bring to it what you can and if it deepens, so be it, if not, so be it.
Remember: your challenges are your blessings and your blessings your challenges.
M*
My grand parents had their share of challenges, but were so in love until they day they died. 69 years of marriage! I on the other hand was with a woman almost 2 years, got married and 6 months into it found out she was cheating. I divorced her. some years later we became friends again. That I believe is one of the most important things in any relationship. Be friends.
Bring to it what you can and if it deepens, so be it, if not, so be it.
Remember: your challenges are your blessings and your blessings your challenges.
M*
garthnd - It sounds like you are in a stage in your relationship where resentment is piled up on both sides. I suggest you see a professional counselor. The Imago theory of relationships may help, mentioned in the book "Getting the Love You Want".
As far as cheating, it basically spells the end of your relationship one way or another - either she finds out or you feel guilty and/or fall in love with your lover. (I've been there, not proud of it.) That said, you may find yourself in a situation where you decide you want to end the relationship, which is your right to choose- and if she knows where you stand on this before you leave, there may be one last chance to work it out.
As far as cheating, it basically spells the end of your relationship one way or another - either she finds out or you feel guilty and/or fall in love with your lover. (I've been there, not proud of it.) That said, you may find yourself in a situation where you decide you want to end the relationship, which is your right to choose- and if she knows where you stand on this before you leave, there may be one last chance to work it out.
