Drifterwood
Superior Member
No.
There is a difference which you are missing, between punishing and not rewarding. I said don't reward her, you said that is punishing her. That says a lot.
The talk is what I suggested
I'm BACK (and more confused than ever!)
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No.
There is a difference which you are missing, between punishing and not rewarding. I said don't reward her, you said that is punishing her. That says a lot.
The talk is what I suggested
Drifterwood
Superior Member
I think that he may have wanted her to say something in the first year. Her timing was clearly bitchy and aimed to cause pain. Nice on your 10th anniversary.
So you are on your 10th anniversary and giving hubby your extra special blow job and he says "actually, honey, I've never liked the way you suck my cock". How would you deal with that?
Mr. Snakey
Expert Member
A good Colon cleanse is needed. Get rid of all the bad shit. You will feel better.
You did hit it on the head imo D-wood...it's always been one of my favorite things to do and i never sensed she didn't like it. (Quite the opposite for the first several years in fact!) Thats why it was such a suprise...
Id be hurt, shocked and would cry sulk for a while. Then I'd want to learn the best way to please him, so would ask for tips. I wouldn't wait to hurt him in return nor go looking for another man who doesnt give a fuck how I suck - as long as I suck. Mostly I'd be concerned that I had a varying degree of mediocre, excellent or extra special blow job grading system (?????). That to me indicates lack of enthusiasm which Im afraid I've never been stricken with.
People say to me ooh you've been married for a long long time.. have you considered renewing your vows? I simply answer we haven't worn the original ones out, thanks.
Marriage is not a set timescale due for expiry in my opinion. Or why bother getting married? It's a progression with ups and downs and difficulties that you strive to overcome because the pain of what you could lose is unthinkable. If you are lucky enought to have a good marriage where you have moulded into one, NOTHING is left undiscussed. To bury it would be an insult to your partner.
You do hurt and say the wrong things at the wrong time. How you react is up to you as a couple and I find payback and sniping simply does not bode well within a healthy marriage. Nor does payback sex work outside of it.
No.
There is a difference which you are missing, between punishing and not rewarding. I said don't reward her, you said that is punishing her. That says a lot.
The talk is what I suggested
Wordplay. A marriages worst enemy.
Sure, you said don't reward her behaviour - but I said, in essence, be sure to punish her by considering having an affair.
Bingo! hurt male pride. And the next step should have been to say well let's not do anything you are not comfortable with. End of. No matter how much time has passed, or under what circumstances she said it - it's out there now to be dealt with, WITHIN the marriage, not hunting for a willing pussy to lick. The end of one thing you enjoyed and can no longer have should not be the end of your relationship!
Are you going to kill yourself if your cholesterol gets too high? No - you simply cut down on the fats!
Best of luck to you. I hope you work it out.
Male Bonding etc
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Did I miss something here? Did you ask her WHAT about the cunnilingus she didn't like?
Perhaps something about the WAY you do it can be adjusted so that she can enjoy it as much as you do. People in loving relationships don't need to walk away from each other because of what you've told us, Garth! I'm not in your shoes, but it seems like more communication is required.
Perhaps something about the WAY you do it can be adjusted so that she can enjoy it as much as you do. People in loving relationships don't need to walk away from each other because of what you've told us, Garth! I'm not in your shoes, but it seems like more communication is required.
Gillette
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Wow. Where did that come from? How do you read "I can't cheat" as "I'm considering infidelity"? I read that as him having dismissed the idea entirely. He hasn't said " I want to but..", "I've given it thought many times...", nor, "There's a sweet piece of tail I'd like to hit". "I can't cheat - I took a vow" strikes me as a final conclusion mentioned in his post only to deter people from suggesting it as an option.
If she is 'crying out' for dialogue why on earth wouldn't she begin one herself? There are two people in a marriage, both of whom are responsible for communicating in as respectful and nonconfrontational way as possible about any differences they may be having with their partner. You may have a point about his needing to open a dialogue if he wants to heal the marriage if only because it seems the wife isn't mature enough to do so.
There's that assumption of infidelity again. I do agree with the hosility comment but isn't that precisely what the wife is guilty of doing?
You're projecting again.
And he's doing the same here, on a support group no less. Why don't you try doing that instead of judging him for having an affair he has already stated he isn't even considering having.
Still.
And again.
You castigate him for doing something he's said he won't consider and put all the responsibility to fix the relationship on his shoulders. Very nice.
Your posts in this thread read as misdirected anger and poor reading comprehension.
You castigate him for doing something he's said he won't consider and put all the responsibility to fix the relationship on his shoulders. Very nice.
Your posts in this thread read as misdirected anger and poor reading comprehension.[/quote]
Nice nitpicking. Im a very emphatic person. Certainly no anger to misdirect. Did you ever consider that I was reading BETWEEN the lines and writing from that perspective and perhaps relating a cautionary tale in response to what OTHERS were advising. I personally dont think Gar wanted anything other than a little attention after his vegas disappointment. But as his posting was a common problem that occurs in marriages it was a good starting point for debate.
There are many methods of comprehension and response - even abstract ones and putting over a point in a way that takes all outcomes and possible scenarios into consideration and not necessarily a response to his particular gripe but pertinent nonetheless. This method of analysis should be acceptable as a citation of thought vs possible action or in his case dismissal because he respected his vows. I feel my comments do not detract from the main point which was talk talk and talk again.
My main concern was that he was being encouraged by others that it was ok to feel that way and perhaps go ahead with an affair. In one post it was suggested that the bible INSISTED he got his own way and that his wife owed him! Another poster called his marriage a crossing of paths that had hit a problem and now it was time to dismiss it and go and enjoy what else the world has to offer. I said that was crass and indeed it is.
I asked him to be the bigger man as he was hitting a wall waiting for his wife to open up, But I did say it was two way traffic and she needed to listen and contribute, but as he was the one on the boards seeking advice is it wrong to therefore say YOU be the one to rebuild the foundations for discussion. Did you want me to say do nothign and let her stew? Thus not moving on. Hoe many marriages have ended because of stubborness do you think?
This thread got an awful lot of imput and response but I cant help thinking that we've ALL been shafted by Gar.... what sticks out is the fact that he says in essence hey you guys thanks for the help - lots to think about but let's not dwell! Lets go and have some fun!!!!!! He doesnt sound to me like he has ANY marriage problems but wanted to sound off about the fact (by his own admission) that he was in fear of having something he previously enjoyed (lickin pussy) potentially being taken away.
Anyone in real despair over the state of their marriage does not shrug their shoulders and go oh well in the space of a few days or has fully discussed this with his wife - or is that mere speculation on my part too?
I haven't seen you responding to those people who told him to forget his vows and say it is ok to seek sex elsewhere. Ok he said it wasnt an option but it didnt stop others from saying it was understandable if he did so. My response of sod that and TALK first was in response to those comments as well.
It is sometimes forgotten that there are more readers than contributions to a thread as stats demonstrate. This was an interesting thread because marriages do reach crisis points or grow stale. My responses did go outside of Gars thread but as long as the message of talk first react later got across to readers and poster then I am totally satisfied with the advice I gave.
Your posts in this thread read as misdirected anger and poor reading comprehension.[/quote]
Nice nitpicking. Im a very emphatic person. Certainly no anger to misdirect. Did you ever consider that I was reading BETWEEN the lines and writing from that perspective and perhaps relating a cautionary tale in response to what OTHERS were advising. I personally dont think Gar wanted anything other than a little attention after his vegas disappointment. But as his posting was a common problem that occurs in marriages it was a good starting point for debate.
There are many methods of comprehension and response - even abstract ones and putting over a point in a way that takes all outcomes and possible scenarios into consideration and not necessarily a response to his particular gripe but pertinent nonetheless. This method of analysis should be acceptable as a citation of thought vs possible action or in his case dismissal because he respected his vows. I feel my comments do not detract from the main point which was talk talk and talk again.
My main concern was that he was being encouraged by others that it was ok to feel that way and perhaps go ahead with an affair. In one post it was suggested that the bible INSISTED he got his own way and that his wife owed him! Another poster called his marriage a crossing of paths that had hit a problem and now it was time to dismiss it and go and enjoy what else the world has to offer. I said that was crass and indeed it is.
I asked him to be the bigger man as he was hitting a wall waiting for his wife to open up, But I did say it was two way traffic and she needed to listen and contribute, but as he was the one on the boards seeking advice is it wrong to therefore say YOU be the one to rebuild the foundations for discussion. Did you want me to say do nothign and let her stew? Thus not moving on. Hoe many marriages have ended because of stubborness do you think?
This thread got an awful lot of imput and response but I cant help thinking that we've ALL been shafted by Gar.... what sticks out is the fact that he says in essence hey you guys thanks for the help - lots to think about but let's not dwell! Lets go and have some fun!!!!!! He doesnt sound to me like he has ANY marriage problems but wanted to sound off about the fact (by his own admission) that he was in fear of having something he previously enjoyed (lickin pussy) potentially being taken away.
Anyone in real despair over the state of their marriage does not shrug their shoulders and go oh well in the space of a few days or has fully discussed this with his wife - or is that mere speculation on my part too?
I haven't seen you responding to those people who told him to forget his vows and say it is ok to seek sex elsewhere. Ok he said it wasnt an option but it didnt stop others from saying it was understandable if he did so. My response of sod that and TALK first was in response to those comments as well.
It is sometimes forgotten that there are more readers than contributions to a thread as stats demonstrate. This was an interesting thread because marriages do reach crisis points or grow stale. My responses did go outside of Gars thread but as long as the message of talk first react later got across to readers and poster then I am totally satisfied with the advice I gave.
Gillette
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As a method of analysis?
Was he on your couch, Dr?
You say you were reading between the lines, I think you misread them entirely. Your POV is projection. When you are posting from a position of guesswork and assumption, particularly when your assumption is the opposite of the statement made, you should consider doing so in a hypothetical sense rather than calling someone down to the lowest based on your supposed certainty.
Your comprehension is further in question by equating no reward with punishment. I give my cat treats from time to time, little rewards because I feel like it. Am I punishing my cat in those moments when I am not feeding her treats? Nope, that's just the status quo.
Gar, posted on this support group for suggestions, you gave suggestions, even some good ones, true, but there isn't any need to make him feel like an ass based on your own skewed interpretation. You say you were responding to others who said he should look elsewhere, but it continued to be Gar you shamed for their advice. Sweet.
As to there being more readers than posters to a thread, is it any surprise considering the tone of your response? Why would anyone wish to post if their words aren't going to be merely taken out of context but also pulled out of thin air? When people post threads to ask for help they don't do so in the hope that they'll be made an example of for the benefit of other readers, they do so in the hopes that people will respond to their question based on what they actually said.
Before I posted to this thread I was one of those readers you mentioned, and what I read of your posts indicated that you were off base in both who and what you were responding to.
Don't hold your breath for that advice column gig.
Was he on your couch, Dr?
You say you were reading between the lines, I think you misread them entirely. Your POV is projection. When you are posting from a position of guesswork and assumption, particularly when your assumption is the opposite of the statement made, you should consider doing so in a hypothetical sense rather than calling someone down to the lowest based on your supposed certainty.
Your comprehension is further in question by equating no reward with punishment. I give my cat treats from time to time, little rewards because I feel like it. Am I punishing my cat in those moments when I am not feeding her treats? Nope, that's just the status quo.
Gar, posted on this support group for suggestions, you gave suggestions, even some good ones, true, but there isn't any need to make him feel like an ass based on your own skewed interpretation. You say you were responding to others who said he should look elsewhere, but it continued to be Gar you shamed for their advice. Sweet.
As to there being more readers than posters to a thread, is it any surprise considering the tone of your response? Why would anyone wish to post if their words aren't going to be merely taken out of context but also pulled out of thin air? When people post threads to ask for help they don't do so in the hope that they'll be made an example of for the benefit of other readers, they do so in the hopes that people will respond to their question based on what they actually said.
Before I posted to this thread I was one of those readers you mentioned, and what I read of your posts indicated that you were off base in both who and what you were responding to.
Don't hold your breath for that advice column gig.
Your posts in this thread read as misdirected anger and poor reading comprehension.[/quote]
...... and your constructive editting of my posts is a credit to you - do you write for The Sun newspaper in England? I read through my posts again and in each an every 'snip' you conveniently missed out some key points. You seem to be the one with all of the anger and seem to be getting pleasure at using someones posts to make yourself look good, switched on and articulate while failing to contribute to the debate whatsoever -except to go through my postings with your red biro!
Clever clever stuff.. I must rememeber not to put any effort into my postings in future, but wait until the thread in question is almost spent then home in one particular persons efforts and write a piece consisting entirely of 'snips' and repeating what they said in the missing words before or after this careful quoting and making it look like your own. Or am I 'projecting' here?
...... and your constructive editting of my posts is a credit to you - do you write for The Sun newspaper in England? I read through my posts again and in each an every 'snip' you conveniently missed out some key points. You seem to be the one with all of the anger and seem to be getting pleasure at using someones posts to make yourself look good, switched on and articulate while failing to contribute to the debate whatsoever -except to go through my postings with your red biro!
Clever clever stuff.. I must rememeber not to put any effort into my postings in future, but wait until the thread in question is almost spent then home in one particular persons efforts and write a piece consisting entirely of 'snips' and repeating what they said in the missing words before or after this careful quoting and making it look like your own. Or am I 'projecting' here?
look...lets just stop this thread. I'm sorry I posted my question...my problems are my own and i don't want to start shit that pisses off friends...hate WILL eat you alive! (I'm living proof
Im just sorry you didnt tell us how it was going after everyone (well almost everyone) gave you such support with your dilemma.
Sensible people don't make enemies from board comments, but it is also prudent to remind fellow posters that you're not a doormat either if they appear to be over scathing of your good intentions. Hate - pretty heavy word.
As I said earlier in the week - best of luck to you.
Drifterwood
Superior Member
I am presuming you are excluding yourself here, having told him that his reaction was based on hurt male pride and was just a gripe.
erm no? I still feel that way and even moreso having read his last contribution. Im allowed my opinion on how I read someone - you and others like you dont have the exclusives on that. I just don't sit trying to score points.
I also find it highly amusing that the only person who has not objected to any of the things I posted is the man himself... Other people having indignation on an individuals behalf, who doesn't seem to be as affected by my comments is oh so futile and leads to the sniping going on here while he's gone merrily on his way!!
How can you be sure my down to earth approach hasnt shocked him into action and he's smoothed it over with his wife? He seems a lot jollier - r Hey we can all speculate - or are you now gonna tell me Im not allowed the happy ending that I joped my postings would achieve?
How can you be sure my down to earth approach hasnt shocked him into action and he's smoothed it over with his wife? He seems a lot jollier - r Hey we can all speculate - or are you now gonna tell me Im not allowed the happy ending that I joped my postings would achieve?
Drifterwood
Superior Member
Your comments say a lot about you, not least that you are extremely judgmental and display an unwarranted arrogance in your opinions.
You failed to acknowledge any responsibility potentially resting with the wife.
You fail to see that a loss of respect is a major issue in a relationship.
You seem to think that men should do everything to make a relationship work.
You seem to have very little empathy with men at all.
You failed to address your disagreements with posters to them, but instead started a rant at the OP.
Your stubborn ego will not allow you to accept any criticism.
Trying to change to being the nice guy to the OP, won't actually fool anyone.
You should reconsider your signature.
But then perhaps I am reading the lines rather than between them.
You failed to acknowledge any responsibility potentially resting with the wife.
You fail to see that a loss of respect is a major issue in a relationship.
You seem to think that men should do everything to make a relationship work.
You seem to have very little empathy with men at all.
You failed to address your disagreements with posters to them, but instead started a rant at the OP.
Your stubborn ego will not allow you to accept any criticism.
Trying to change to being the nice guy to the OP, won't actually fool anyone.
You should reconsider your signature.
But then perhaps I am reading the lines rather than between them.
Gillette
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You are. Posts have a space limit. Including the entirety of each post would have put me over that limit so I included only the portions I was addressing. Two part posts are a pain in the ass, I've done them before.
I did acknowledge that you made some helpful suggestions, but I wanted to point out that your reading was highly interpretive and your comments accusatory.
You'll recognise this line, I trust.
Fantasy FeMailme said:
Had you done that here instead of "reading between the lines" I'd have had no issue with you.
