i'm confused.

[nay-nay]

so i'm in the middle of a big transformation and to be honest, it sucks. i feel that i really have no one to talk to because i'm ignored most of the time. i don't have friends. i mean, i do...but they're either online friends or friends that live way up north so its not like i can call them up to talk and just hang out. i only have a few close friends anyway. and i feel so fucking misunderstood! i have my entire life! i feel like i have to explain myself ALL THE TIME and it pisses me off.

right now, i'm questioning my sexuality. i started off with girls. it was around the time i was sexually abused. i was 6 years old when we turned him in (don't remember when it started). i've always been very attracted to girls. kissing them always made me horny (yes, even at that age). i started off with a girl a year younger than me. we used to kiss and dry hump each other. over the next 6 years, i had 7 others. with the last one, we were both naked and it was the best sexual experience i've had to date. tribbing is awesome.

but see...when i was 6...i was peer pressured into making out with a boy. i didn't want to do it. but growing up, i desperately wanted to be ACCEPTED because i was abused sexually, emotionally, and physically. everywhere i went, pretty much. but anyway...i kissed him anyway and i just remember it being so....gross. he stuck his tongue in my mouth and i pulled away because i didn't know that people did such a thing. and everyone assured me that it was ok. so i [reluctantly] kissed him again. but i don't remember it turning me on like when i'd kiss a girl.

after i was sexually abused, i never kissed a male again (until i was about 19). i was quite mean to boys, and it was the worst when i was 16. i was very brutal, especially to the ones that showed interest in me (even if i liked them too). it was the year i struggled the most with my sexuality because one day i thought "omg...i've only ever done stuff with girls! " it was hard for me to accept. and then i kept asking myself "am i a LESBIAN!?" like it was such a horrible thing. i was having a rough year, so that just made it worse. i almost dropped out of high school. i used to cry all night and every morning before school b/c i just didn't want to go. i had stuff thrown at me in the hallways. i was "the new girl." and i never understood WHAT it was about me that made people do that b/c i had never done anything to anyone. in fact, i kept to myself. i wasn't mean to anyone. and one day, i walked out to my car during lunch and there was Elmer's glue ALL over my car. they made sure they put it IN the door handles so that no matter what, i had glue all over my hands. so i got in my car and tried to fight the tears b/c i didn't want anyone to see me crying. i drove home. when i walked in the front door, my mom and brother were standing there and immediately asked what was wrong b/c by then, i was sobbing. they went outside and washed it all off. i curled up in my bed and cried. my mom called the school and bitched about it. it musta been pretty bad b/c she wouldn't even tell me what she said. (the lady on the phone always gave me a hard time). i just don't get what it is about me that makes people treat me like that.

so far...males just aren't doing it for me. not the ones i've been with, anyway. i didn't even want to have sex w/ the first one. i was extremely vulnerable, in a remote location, it was dark outside. in his car. i was afraid that if i said no, he'd just ditch me there and i'd half to walk along the highway back to my car (and maybe then i'd be abducted). i always think the worst of everything. so i just did everything he wanted me to do. when he first kissed me, i was repulsed b/c it felt exactly the same as when i kissed the boy when i was 6. i just laid there, silent, while he fucked me. in a way, i felt raped. the second one, i was attracted to. he was very good-looking. but he was in it for himself and came in like 5 minutes, if even that, and then he was done. he went and took a shower. he then asked me if i'd drive him to walmart quick. so i did. right away, i figured out why. he was "showing me off" to his friend that was working that night. they exchanged a look that obviously meant "this is the one i was telling you i was going to fuck tonight." and then i was sent off. to say i was pissed off and hurt is an understatement. it was very humiliating for me. he also didn't use a condom, and just shoved it right in. i was PISSED. and then the third...was so small, i couldn't feel it. and i thought he was extremely boring. he fucked me for 6 hours straight and i just couldn't get into it. i got really annoyed after a while, like "just hurry up and get it over with already."

everytime i've had sex with a guy, i've not been able to get into it b/c i think "....is this really happening?" my mind goes to another place. my body's there, but in my mind, i'm elsewhere. don't get me wrong, guys do turn me on. its just...i've noticed when it comes to actually HAVING sex....its hard for me to concentrate on my partner. instead, i end up thinking about random things that people think about when they're bored and have nothing to do. or i think about what i did that day, what i might do later or the next day, etc.

i'm just really confused because i don't know what it means. am i not into guys? am i actually a lesbian? or is it because i was sexually abused? i don't mean that in a way that i think i'm into girls because i was abused, because i think people are born with it. i just think maybe i "check out" because its felt dirty to me with guys.

its been so long since i've last done anything with a girl. i feel like i need to experiment with girls and see what its like. what i feel or don't feel. if its right for me. my problem is that i'm not..."out of the closet." simply because i'm confused about it.

but my problem is that i don't really sleep around. its been 3 years since i last had sex. i'm not into casual sex. i have this fear of getting an STD, so its enough to keep me abstinent until i find someone that's right for me. :tongue:

at the same time, i look to the future and i think of the time when i want to have children. the thing is, if i was with a female...obviously it would never happen. LOL. its very important to me to have my own children with my partner and the only way is to be with a male. i don't think i'd be into the whole adoption thing. not sure if i'd be with a guy that had any kids either. its not that i'd be jealous or anything like that. i'd just want my own children.

my life is like a rollercoaster. throughout the day, i feel great and on top of the world, and the next minute, i'd rather be dead. i think about death everyday. i daydream about it. it makes me laugh to picture myself dying. other times...i'm numb and i think "oh well" about everything. out of nowhere, i have sudden outbursts of excitement and i pretty much annoy my family b/c i get loud and can't stop and just AHHH! so then i'll be told to "bring it down just a notch" or i'll get a look that makes it obvious that they're annoyed. it hurts everytime. so then i let out a deep sigh, and i stop. its frustrating because when it happens, i just want to get it all OUT. i don't really talk much b/c there's no one to talk to. i spend most of my time alone. i like it most of the time, but there are times when i just want to socialize. and then i'm like "Oh yeah...i don't have any friends." sometimes i even forget what my voice sounds like, and when i finally DO speak...my voice sounds a lot different than i thought it did.

my mom teases me by saying "you're probably bipolar" and then chuckles. not like she's making fun of me or anything. i took a screening quiz online and my results were that i more than likely have the worst type of bipolar disorder. and i more than likely have OCD. PTSD. panic attacks. deep depression. i pretty much always feel drained and tired no matter how much sleep i get. i don't have mental stimulation. it depresses me b/c that's such a huge thing for me. often times, i feel like i'm crazy in the head, that if i go to a mental health place for an evaluation, they'll tell me i'm crazy and lock me up. i feel certain that they would. i've been through quite a bit and i've gone through it all by myself. my parents weren't around much. they were into drugs and alcohol. grew up homeless on and off til i was 9. sometimes i'd eat dirt. flowers. grass. i mean, there were times when they were around and they made sure we had food, but then there were other times where they'd be gone quite a bit. my brothers used to stay at friends' houses on weekends b/c there was never anything to eat. so i'd be by myself. sometimes they'd bring something for me to eat when they came back.

i usually don't reveal so much. "the more people know about you, the more they can use against you." but OH WELL. :tongue: no one on here even knows me in person. and i feel...safer/more discreet typing about it online.

i just want to feel loved. appreciated. accepted. cared about. HEARD. its pretty rare. when i get close to someone, whether it be a friend or a love interest, i like to express my feelings. i like to make THEM feel loved and appreciated. but it seems i never get it in return. its the worst feeling, especially when i love them so much. i love most people that i meet. i'd probably compare myself to an excited puppy. they do tricks because they want to feel appreciated. they want some attention. affection. the more the puppy is neglected, the harder it tries to get your attention. and if its neglected and treated badly for too long, it gets angry and it will turn on you.

 

[nay-nay]

(here's the last of what i typed. it was too long to put all of it in one post).



i rarely get hugs. when i do, its the greatest feeling for me. i get choked up everytime, but at the same time, it makes me depressed because it makes me realise how little affection i've had in my life. its pretty much been non-existent since i was 6 years old. before i was sexually abused, i used to go around hugging and kissing everyone. i was very cuddly and i just loved to be close to people. its pretty much the opposite now.

i crave love more than anything else. i can't even imagine what it must be like. i know that when i finally do find love, there will be lots of tears. but good ones for once. until finally, i feel loved and appreciated, and all the years of torment will disappear from my mind, one by one. the bad memories will be replaces with good ones. that is what i most want in life. to be truly loved.

...i just had to get all of this out, and thanks to anyone who even finishes reading it.

 

[trentster]

I wish I could say I know how you feel, but I can't. So much has happened to you, that it isn't surprising you feel the way you do. Just know that people care about you, and that you aren't alone. We all want to feel loved, but some (myself included) wouldn't know what to feel when that happens. Until that happens, just know that we are here for you.

 

[B_New End]

How old are you?

Also, was this possibly in response to Jason El's thread? If not, maybe you should go there, you might see you aren't so alone.

http://www.lpsg.org/110278-have-you-given-up-love.html

This was an interesting read, and had lots of self introspection, but in my limited experience, sex without love, or at least a mutual possibility of something better, has always been terrible.

I remember, even the last few times with my ex, when we were together, the sex was great, because there was a certain vulnerability and promise. But after the break up, it was cold and mechanical.

I guess what I am saying is, it sounds like you have only had bad experiences with men (or should I say boys and molesters).

i crave love more than anything else.

yeah, join the club. I am reading an old classic, Anna Kerenina, it is an 800+ page book by Toltstoy, (almost as long as your thread.. ) and it is amazing, because of the way it makes big deals out of things, politics, society, etc... but when it comes to love romantic relationship, it really does a great jobs of conveying how small everything else is in comparison. How everyone, actually obsesses over it, deep down.

...except death, which I find odd you mentioned. Because death is the other big shadow that begins to haunt the human soul.

 

[D_Seymour_Dix]

I wish I could say I know how you feel, but I can't. So much has happened to you, that it isn't surprising you feel the way you do. Just know that people care about you, and that you aren't alone. We all want to feel loved, but some (myself included) wouldn't know what to feel when that happens. Until that happens, just know that we are here for you.

Agreed! We really are.
It takes a brave person to post something as deep and personal.

 

[Kassokilleri2ff]

I read the whole thing. I think my eyes were bugging out because I swear that the text was getting smaller and smaller as I read!

Anyways, I don't know how much I can relate to you but we are somewhat similar so your not alone in this world. I grew up poor, the only food I ate was my free lunch at school most of the time. I never had any friends until I was about 16. I made a few friends in highschool at 16. Then i went to a new school and lost the few friends i had at the old school and made a lot at a new school. Then after highschool I went away and I havent talked to any of those people in about 2 years. Now the only people i hang out with i also work with. I cant really talk to any of these people about anything. I wouldnt say any of them are "real" friends. So I feel lonely alot too, with nobody to talk to and nothing to do.
I've never felt suicidal. I'm content to be by myself. But when I do make some friends or I'm with people who are friendly to me or w/e, im very happy. I like to be with people but its not easy to be social when you never had friends for most of your life.

I wasent ever sexually abused. But they say you don't remember that untill your like 35, you know repressed memories blah blah. lol, but I'm pretty sure it never happend! lolz. I guess i wont know till i turn 35 and i remember why i hate spiders so fucking much! lol. Its always sad to hear about somebody being sexually abused, what kind of fucked up people do we grow in our society?

I want to fall in love with somebody too. Every relationship I had was shitty. I don't know why. I've changed alot in my life in these recent years, I'm sure you have too, you said you were going through alot of changes. So I hope sometime soon I'll find somebody.

I wish you luck! I hope you find somebody you can be comfortable with and to love and be happy! I hope you can settle down and pick who you want to be with (guys/girls).

 

[D_Kay_Sarah_Sarah]

Sweetie PLEASE go and get yourself checked out. Who cares if they say your crazy, maybe then they can help you find a way to be happy.

Also you may be a lesbian, if that makes you happy Great, do it :yup: But it could be that you associate men and sex with a bad thing. And if you think that is the case then maybe you need to confront some demons from your past.

 

[Jovial]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. You aren't alone. Most people have weird childhoods in some way that affected them negatively. I used to think I had such a fucked up childhood and everyone else's was perfect, but after talking to others, I found a lot of people had problems growing up too. I've spent a lot of time thinking about things in the past. It's good to know how it affected you. But at some point you just have to forget about it. If you don't other people will pick up on it and avoid you, then you will just feel more out of place. You can talk to some people sometimes about it, but to make friends, you have to try to stay positive.

About the sex with men, it sounds like you don't know what to do, so your default behavior is to just blank out and wait for it to end. I think most people don't know what they are doing if they aren't experienced. It's only after they make an effort to learn more about what pleases men/women sexually that it gets better. Maybe you never had a friend to ask about sex. Nowadays, you can ask online or make friends to ask online, like here.

And as far as the bi-polar stuff, I suggest not using any illegal drugs or alcohol. Try to exercise regularly, as that helps your self-esteem. If you truly have a problem then seek professional help.

Good luck!

 

[Nala]

Sweetie PLEASE go and get yourself checked out. Who cares if they say your crazy, maybe then they can help you find a way to be happy.

Also you may be a lesbian, if that makes you happy Great, do it :yup: But it could be that you associate men and sex with a bad thing. And if you think that is the case then maybe you need to confront some demons from your past.

I agree, although I believe you are 'checking out' during sex with a man because of the abuse. It's a natural reaction to 'survive' the sexual abuse when you are too young to understand what's happening or unable to fight it. The only way to escape the situation is to withdraw in your mind. As long as the sex triggers that reaction it'll happen.

Thanks for sharing your story. :hug:

 

[OhButYes]

Sweetie PLEASE go and get yourself checked out. Who cares if they say your crazy, maybe then they can help you find a way to be happy.

Also you may be a lesbian, if that makes you happy Great, do it :yup: But it could be that you associate men and sex with a bad thing. And if you think that is the case then maybe you need to confront some demons from your past.

^^that.

it sounds to me like there is a TON on your mental and emotional plate and it sounds like, whether you have any "issues" or not, it's just too much for you to deal w/ on your own. there are people that can help you come out the other side of this internal tunnel/hole you're in. no one is going to lock you up unless you are proven to be a clear and present danger to yourself and/or society. in everything that you said, i didn't get that impression. seek some help........or a MUCH better word would be "assistance".

although i have no idea what it's like to experience what you've gone through, i have had my own dark times in my life and i've had times where i wasn't able to deal with everything on my plate despite my determination and pride. you have to be able to recognize when you need to rely on others to help you get to a better place........be it emotional, physical, financial, or otherwise. to be able to recognize and ask for help when you need it is a sign of strength, not weakness. i've been too weak in the past to ask for the help i needed and it cost me. don't make the same mistake. talk to SOMEBODY about this, face to face. if you wrote all this down on a message board and you're struggling this much with these things, then you need to talk about these things with "real" people in the "real" world.


there is a brighter happier future. take the steps to bring that future into existence. regarless of the circumstances, we all get into deep dark holes in life.........but we all have the ability to climb back out into the sunshine. sometimes we just need a little help along that upward journey

 

[B_Think_Kink]

I think you need a therapist. You're thread is hard to read, because of all the emotions running through it. But you need to have it professionally sorted out, perhaps then you wont have such a hard time coping with your sexuality. I don't say this in a mean way, I think the world of the therapists I've had, they have helped me so much. I just hope you can find the same help that I did.

 

[nicenycdick]

Think-Kink is so right. Sometimes we can lift ourselves out of our down times...and sometimes we need help. You have lived a troubled life and you have yet to put it all in its place. A therapist can help, sometimes just because you get an opportunity to vocalize what it is you feel. Just think how therapeutic it was to write your post...imagine if you had someone who could listen as well.

Until you seek other assistance, it might help you to realize that life is truly much simpler than we all make it out to be. There are not always answers for everything and the important thing is to believe that life is wonderful...even in the worst of times. Sometimes, a good meal or a great book is all we really need. Be happy with yourself, and people will see the person you truly are.

Good luck.

 

[Phil Ayesho]

i just want to feel loved. appreciated. accepted. cared about. HEARD. its pretty rare. when i get close to someone, whether it be a friend or a love interest, i like to express my feelings. i like to make THEM feel loved and appreciated. but it seems i never get it in return. its the worst feeling, especially when i love them so much. i love most people that i meet. i'd probably compare myself to an excited puppy. they do tricks because they want to feel appreciated. they want some attention. affection. the more the puppy is neglected, the harder it tries to get your attention. and if its neglected and treated badly for too long, it gets angry and it will turn on you.

Here it is in a nutshell.
It's gonna sound a little harsh... but its not meant to.
The fact are the facts... cold and hard.

You want.
You want all these wonderful things... and you want to be given them without reserve or pre-condition.
Yet, In all your long post there is not one word of what you offer. Of what you have to give.


There is one truth that we all could stand to incorporate into our mental landscape and that is that real happiness is the specific condition of NOT thinking about yourself or your needs at all.

Getting what you want can be very satisfying... but satisfaction is a hollow and empty thing compared to real joy and real happiness.


Walking thru the world broadcasting a desperate craving creates the misery and isolation you fear.

The idea of unconditional love is a poisonous lie.
Love is a marketplace. An Economy.
You want things.... others want things. And a relationship forms when two people can offer each other the things they are looking for.

Its an exchange.

Love is NOT unconditional... there is one absolute prerequisite to getting loved and that is BEING LOVABLE.

So ask yourself... are you worthy of another person's devotion?
What are you bringing to the table?

Great sex?. Good looks? A great sense of humor? a good income? An accepting and compassionate heart?
In what mixture and at what levels?

What I read in your post is an inablity to relate to others in an intimate physical way.... this is a huge impediment to forming a relationship.


What can you do to overcome this?

Certainly your past has an effect... and although you can not change your past, you can change your understanding of it, which will change the effect it has on you.

But be warned that the brain is NOT merely the genes you were born with... more than any other organ, the brain is modifiable by thought and action.

The longer you allow yourself to wallow in your own wants and cravings, to obsess over your own emotional state, the deeper a groove you wear in the wrinkles of your mind.
The deeper that groove... the harder it becomes to think in any other way.


You must practice good mental health with the discipline and rigor of an olympic athelete.

You must divorce your thoughts from YOUR needs and focus, rather, on the needs of others.
YOu must look for and find delight and fascination in the EXTERNAL world and train yourself to largely ignore your internal world ( at least until your internal world is no longer fixated on your own needs )

Believe it or not, people meet the people they will love and be loved by when they are too busy to bother thinking about themselves... when they least expect or seek it.


Henry Miller, famous hedonist and writer said this:
"Develop interest in life as you see it; in people, things, literature, music - the world is so rich, simply throbbing with rich treasures, beautiful souls and interesting people. Forget yourself."

 

[nay-nay]

first off, i want to thank those who've reached out to me here in the thread and through PM's. it means more to me than you can even know.

new end - i'm 22. my post was not in reference to jason els thread. i didn't even know that thread existed. oh and i added that book to my queue list on BooksFree.com :wink: its like Netflix, but for books.

in reading replies to this thread, i got the impression that people think i'm unaware/not very knowledgeable of sexual abuse, which is not the case. (it does not offend me, btw). i realise the root of all my problems is sexual abuse by incest. its called post incest syndrome. there's a book i read called Secret Survivors: Uncovering Incest and its Aftereffects in Women. it took me months to finally read it after i had purchased it because i knew that it would bring stuff back from my past. but finally i just read it. i highlighted everything that's ever applied to me because my mom told me she wanted to read it next. so it was my way of telling her all that i've gone through. i'm not really sure if she's finished it or not. reading that book made me more knowledgeable of myself. everything makes sense. i know why i'm the way i am, why i do the things i do. there are things i read and thought "...WOW. who knew that was the reason why i do that!" or "that's why!?" it explains everything in the book.

there was also a section in the book about mental health centers, and how LOTS of survivors are mis-diagnosed and thrown in nut huts because they're "crazy." so they get put in those places where they don't belong, where they are mistreated even more.

there are others who get counseling, and the person who's trying to HELP them does the opposite, and takes advantage (sexually) of the survivor because he/she is very vulnerable. they make the suvivor feel loved, like "somebody cares and loves me" or "this person is there for me," when clearly, they're not. in the end, they're even more damaged when they realise that they were abused even further. so then they are scared to find a different counselor or therapist because of it. they don't want to go through it again. so...they just remain damaged. which then takes a toll on the immune system. they're more prone to stress related diseases.

and then there are those who get put on a bunch of meds and then sent off. so they're drugged up all the time and its just...horrible. i don't want to be put on anything because it doesn't help or solve the problem.

i have the phone number and address for the office of mental health in my area. my biggest obstacle is making the call. and then getting there. i'm terrified of it. there is no age of when a survivor gets flash backs, but its quite common when he/she gets help and has someone to lean on. so when they start therapy, the flashbacks may start to come. some get hypnotised...which is something i've thought about doing since i read the book. i remember some, but i have a gut feeling that there was more.

people like to say i should "JUST" get over it/forget about it, or "JUST" do this and that, and usually the person has no fucking clue what they're talking about or they don't understand how hard it can be for some people. 6 months ago, i was terrified to go outside. someone knocked on my door one day (i was home alone) and i grabbed an axe that's on the wall for decoration. i thought they would break in next. i had a panic attack. i was paralyzed with fear. i never answered the door. when i'm home alone, i open all the blinds and curtains, otherwise i feel extremely paranoid because i can't see OUT or if someone's approaching. there was also a time when i hadn't been in a car for a very long time, so when i finally rode in a car, it was very scary. i wasn't used to being in motion. i kept looking around thinking another car was going to crash into us. we were going like 35 mph and it seemed like we were going 60.

i've come a ways since then. i can go outside. i can ride in a car just fine.

it was just a lot of...simple things that people don't really think twice about. going to the store was also very hard for me. i rarely went, and when i did...i was constantly looking around. if someone was looking/staring, fear would sink in, my heart would pound. my mind would go blank because i have this fear of people reading my mind. i feel like everyone can hear my thoughts. i constantly feel like there are hidden cameras everywhere i go, so i'm always on guard and i try not to do things i wouldn't want people to know or see. i also have this thing where i don't like to be followed or for people to walk behind me. it bothers me quite a bit and makes me feel violated. i wonder if they're looking me up and down like a piece of meat. its not that i think i'm the best looking girl around, but more like...i just want to disappear. so sometimes i get PISSED OFF and i just stand aside and wave for them to go ahead (and its usually not in a nice way). it makes me feel bad because i know its not their fault, they have no idea why it pisses me off so they're probably like "WTF is wrong with her?" standing in line at the checkout was the worst. i have to stand sideways. there were even times where it bothered me so much, i let everybody else go ahead of me. a couple more people would come and wait behind me, so in front of me they would go. but i've learned to stand sideways. it feels better, but its still uncomfortable. its just manageable.

i'm just always on guard wherever i go. i never really feel comfortable or relaxed in public. standing in a crowd makes me feel more alone than any other time. i look around and i see people laughing together, hugging, holding hands, smiling at each other, having a great time. it makes me a little envious.

Phil - i know that i have a lot to offer. its just i've been used by most people i've met or been friends with. everybody seems to WANT something. they take and take and take and take until they get all they want, and then they kick me to the curb. i give my all. i value my friendships. there's nothing i wouldn't do for a friend unless, of course, it was to commit a crime. my family is quite protective of me when i meet new people because i've had so many shitty friends. i do a lot for friends. i ALWAYS listen and help out when i can, i'm generous, and i seem to get nothing in return. i've tried to keep in touch with friends but they haven't done much of anything. its not that i don't know what i have to give or that i'm selfish in friendships. its just right now, i'm sick of going out of my fucking way to be the perfect friend, the perfect sister, the perfect daughter, the perfect worker, the perfect EVERYTHING. all my life i've worried about being accepted. being perfect. because i thought hmm...maybe then i'll be appreciated. but i realise now that no matter what i do, or how perfect i try to be, its not going to change anything. all it does is make me unhappy. unsatisfied. i'm never satisfied with anything i do because i feel like i could've done a better job.

with sex...my problem is touching. its not very comfortable for me. i tense up. i don't know how to touch others because i didn't learn loving touch growing up. instead, it was replaced with sexual touch. since then, i've barely let anyone touch me. and i don't touch others because i don't want THEM to feel violated like i feel as i'm touching them, even if its meant to be sexual. i've tried it. it feels gross. so by not touching people, i feel like i'm being considerate of their feelings.

i'm just starting to take a stand for myself. i've lost quite a bit of tolerance. i'm not going to just stand there and get treated like crap. it makes me think back to when i was a kid. i was such a pushover. and i just let people shove me around and walk all over me. i did anything that anyone wanted me to do to make them happy. its pretty pathetic/embarassing when you let your brother spit in your face repeatedly as he's up in a tree. he got quite a laugh out of that everytime. i don't think he realises how much that's bothered me over the years. and he still recalls it as if it was the funniest thing he's ever encountered. to be honest, it was...tramatic. i have an aunt who used to tell me that i was adopted and that my parents didn't love me. she was barely ever nice to me and my brothers. one time she picked me up and threw me in the tub. held me down in the cold water. turns out, my grandparents used to tell people that i was adopted b/c people would always stare and they were embarassed of it. i didn't find this out til my mom told me a few years ago. and i don't think she should've ever told me that because it upset me quite a bit. and it still does. my mom's native american, my dad's white. so i had to deal with racism pretty much everyday from both sides, especially at school and on the bus. i only ever knew my mom's side of the family. my dad's side disowned him b/c he was with my mom and she wasn't white. they aren't his real parents.

i just refuse to let anyone treat me the way i've been treated throughout my life.

i haven't made much of an effort to meet new people because i'd rather wait til i'm more...stable.

 

[nay-nay]

one of my dreams is to meet E. Sue Blume, social worker and author of Secret Survivors. she's done so much research about sexual abuse by incest, and she truly understands what it does to a person. after i finished the book, i cried because she helped me to understand myself. it was a great feeling to just KNOW why i am the way i am and why i do the things i do. she gave so much information about mental health centers, therapists, different types of support groups. how to look for the right ones. everything. i recommend the book to anyone who has been sexually abused or knows someone who's been sexually abused. one of the things we (survivors) want, is to be understood, and not talked down on for the way we feel or for expressing anger or fear because those are very GOOD things. when a survivor feels angry, its a good sign that they're ready to get help. it means they KNOW they didn't deserve what was done to them. that what was done to them was wrong, and not their fault.

i'm so passionate about this subject. it makes me want to stand up for and help others. to spread awareness about it. but first, i need to help myself. its been my biggest obstacle.

 

[B_cigarbabe]

Nay nay you first need to get help for yourself and get some of those issues you have under control. It is not always possible for a therapist to "fix" you by talk alone it depends on the severity of each individual case. I would not rule out being put on a medication if I was you. I think your already making demands about what you will and won't do with a therapist. If you can't allow them to do their job then they can't possibly help you. You should be open to whatever suggestions they might make.
I seriously doubt any one of them are going to try and "pink slip" you unless you were talking about killing yourself or some one else.
I have always been afraid of therapists because of all the stories I heard and because of the way my mother was treated by some quacks. I won't get into that because it won't help you.
Yes there are doctors who aren't ethical or scrupulous and who might take advantage of some client but you cannot use that excuse to keep you from the help you deserve and need.
If you'd like to talk more feel free to pm me anytime.
Good luck in finding a mental health provider who will work
with and help you.
Why don't you write Sue Blume a letter and ask her advice
but try not to take the advice so literally. Just ask her
what she thinks you might try to do.
cigarbabe:sasmokin:

 

[B_New End]

new end - i'm 22. my post was not in reference to jason els thread. i didn't even know that thread existed. oh and i added that book to my queue list on BooksFree.com :wink: its like Netflix, but for books.

This may not make you feel better, but the worst, and best year of my life was 24. Early 20's can be difficult.

there was also a section in the book about mental health centers, and how LOTS of survivors are mis-diagnosed and thrown in nut huts because they're "crazy." so they get put in those places where they don't belong, where they are mistreated even more.

there are others who get counseling, and the person who's trying to HELP them does the opposite, and takes advantage (sexually) of the survivor because he/she is very vulnerable. they make the suvivor feel loved, like "somebody cares and loves me" or "this person is there for me," when clearly, they're not. in the end, they're even more damaged when they realise that they were abused even further. so then they are scared to find a different counselor or therapist because of it. they don't want to go through it again. so...they just remain damaged. which then takes a toll on the immune system. they're more prone to stress related diseases.

and then there are those who get put on a bunch of meds and then sent off. so they're drugged up all the time and its just...horrible. i don't want to be put on anything because it doesn't help or solve the problem.

Yes, yes. Nobody I know on therapy has ever got off it. And I am glad you already have thrown out the prescription med option. Those things are the devil. My gramma suffered obesity and depression her whole life because of them. She got off, aftert 40 years, and lost 40lbs in 2 months. Imagine, finding out your anti dpressents were making you fat and depressed your whole life!!! They can also cause you to lose your ability to orgasm, and other life draining effects.

it was just a lot of...simple things that people don't really think twice about. going to the store was also very hard for me. i rarely went, and when i did...i was constantly looking around. if someone was looking/staring, fear would sink in, my heart would pound. my mind would go blank because i have this fear of people reading my mind. i feel like everyone can hear my thoughts. i constantly feel like there are hidden cameras everywhere i go, so i'm always on guard and i try not to do things i wouldn't want people to know or see. i also have this thing where i don't like to be followed or for people to walk behind me. it bothers me quite a bit and makes me feel violated. i wonder if they're looking me up and down like a piece of meat. its not that i think i'm the best looking girl around, but more like...i just want to disappear. so sometimes i get PISSED OFF and i just stand aside and wave for them to go ahead (and its usually not in a nice way). it makes me feel bad because i know its not their fault, they have no idea why it pisses me off so they're probably like "WTF is wrong with her?" standing in line at the checkout was the worst. i have to stand sideways. there were even times where it bothered me so much, i let everybody else go ahead of me. a couple more people would come and wait behind me, so in front of me they would go. but i've learned to stand sideways. it feels better, but its still uncomfortable. its just manageable.

Anxiety. Used to get these effects when smoking marijuana.

i'm just always on guard wherever i go. i never really feel comfortable or relaxed in public. standing in a crowd makes me feel more alone than any other time. i look around and i see people laughing together, hugging, holding hands, smiling at each other, having a great time. it makes me a little envious.

Me too, actually. I used to hate crowds, and I would get really paranoid sometimes at big raves, especially in line.

I can attest a lot of changes in these problems with myself and anxieties to Buddhist philosophy.

 

[Phil Ayesho]

f
Phil - i know that i have a lot to offer. its just i've been used by most people i've met or been friends with. everybody seems to WANT something. they take and take and take and take until they get all they want, and then they kick me to the curb. i give my all.

There was a recent thread about being a "giver"--- you should read it.

Knowing what you have to offer another in exhange is not the same as giving unilaterally.

The overly eager "giver" is often the one in the relationship being manipulative.
And decent people avoid an over-eager giver because they do not want the Obligation of what you seek to give imposed upon them.

That leaves you only those willing to take advantage of a giver, without feeling any obligation in return.


Still... your response is filled with "I"s.

You can predict a person's level of misery and loneliness by the number of time they use the word "I".

I am not kidding... the more you think about you, the more miserable you will be.

I often tell folks that my happiest, most productive moments occur when I am not even there.


You need to find some way to quiet that inner dialogue.

Try meditation...along with just getting BUSY.. take a job that requires a lot of hard physical effort that allows no time to reflect.


And practice practice practice... getting your mind OFF of your feelings and your responses to the world around you.

I recommend the hard to find book "Winning thru Enlightenment" By Ron Smothermon.

I also recommend a heartfelt study of Zen.

Get OUT of your own self. Look outward, not inward... and do it long enough to where it becomes second nature.

STOP with the narrative of how you have suffered... discard the painful stories of a family life...

They AFFLICT you.

You are NOT what has happened to you. You are only what you decide to make yourself.

Character is a bridge we build from the person that we are, to the person we strive to become.

Forget yourself.

 

[StraightCock4Her]

Dr. Drew always said that one of the main factors of a trully freaky sexual being is being molested as a child or raped or something similar...

I just think you need to stop being sexual for a while and just figure your inner problems out. Seek counciling, someone might be able to help you work it all. It'll be alright if you just try to work it out.

 

[nay-nay]

There was a recent thread about being a "giver"--- you should read it.

Knowing what you have to offer another in exhange is not the same as giving unilaterally.

The overly eager "giver" is often the one in the relationship being manipulative.
And decent people avoid an over-eager giver because they do not want the Obligation of what you seek to give imposed upon them.

That leaves you only those willing to take advantage of a giver, without feeling any obligation in return.


Still... your response is filled with "I"s.

You can predict a person's level of misery and loneliness by the number of time they use the word "I".

I am not kidding... the more you think about you, the more miserable you will be.

I often tell folks that my happiest, most productive moments occur when I am not even there.


You need to find some way to quiet that inner dialogue.

Try meditation...along with just getting BUSY.. take a job that requires a lot of hard physical effort that allows no time to reflect.


And practice practice practice... getting your mind OFF of your feelings and your responses to the world around you.

I recommend the hard to find book "Winning thru Enlightenment" By Ron Smothermon.

I also recommend a heartfelt study of Zen.

Get OUT of your own self. Look outward, not inward... and do it long enough to where it becomes second nature.

STOP with the narrative of how you have suffered... discard the painful stories of a family life...

They AFFLICT you.

You are NOT what has happened to you. You are only what you decide to make yourself.

Character is a bridge we build from the person that we are, to the person we strive to become.

Forget yourself.

i do feel a bit selfish. i have a lot to say, but its hard for me to put it in words. i've carried the weight of the world all these years and i've "dealt" with it all by myself. no one ever asked me if i was allright or if i wanted to talk about it. after it all happened and we went through the whole...vaginal exam, my little recorded "interview" which was used in court so i wouldn't have to testify...after it was all said and done, and he went to prison...no one bothered to talk to me about it. no one asked me how i was doing. instead, my mom went off and started doing drugs even worse and ended up getting sent to rehab because her skin was yellow and she was peeing blood. she just left me and my brothers at a motel. i don't remember how long we were there, but one of my aunts came and picked us up. my dad had also been to rehab for alcoholism, but we weren't aloud to stay with him. it was...pretty tough. so when my mom got out of rehab...she grabbed an atlas, closed her eyes...opened it up and pointed to a random location and we set out for Kingman, Arizona. we never made it there. we broke down in Tejeras, New Mexico and ended up staying in a junk yard in abandoned cars. the thing is, we picked up and left...and it was never talked about ever again. like i was just supposed to forget about it like it never happened. but it was the happiest time of my life b/c my parents weren't doing drugs and drinking...my mom looked SOOOO much better. we may not have had anything, but we were all TOGETHER. but my point is that yeah...i'm a bit selfish about stuff now because i can be. i'm a single young female and its all about me now. i'm starting to not care what everybody else thinks of me because in the end, i'm not really me when i'm worried about stupid shit like that, am i?

i'm just...really confused about everything. i need to find myself because i feel like i've never known who i really am. its getting pretty fucking annoying feeling the way that i feel. i've felt this way for the last 16 years. its starting to really piss me off. my anger and self-hate is back in full force. my anger is more like rage. my anger scares me. all of my emotions are very intense. my anger is the strongest. i usually isolate myself when i'm mad. its better that way. i usually just walk away and go off by myself, otherwise i get even more mad when people try and "calm me down." i used to beat people up when they'd make fun of me. started that in 4th grade. but now i just dig my nails into my arm or my face. my neck. my legs. i just think its better to hurt myself than others. i'm getting mad just thinking about it. i used to get body piercings when i'd get mad. it was addicting. i loved the rush it gave me. afterwards, i'd get out to my car. i'd be shaking uncontrollably b/c it excited me so much. i'd laugh, and then eventually i'd cry because it was such a RELEASE. i like physical pain when i'm mad.

i will consider all that you've said. i'm not yet sure what to think of it, but i will buy that book and read it. i searched for it and i saw nothing but 5 star reviews. i could use another book. :wink:

one thing's for sure though...i'm not manipulative, and don't tell me that i am.