so i'm in the middle of a big transformation and to be honest, it sucks. i feel that i really have no one to talk to because i'm ignored most of the time. i don't have friends. i mean, i do...but they're either online friends or friends that live way up north so its not like i can call them up to talk and just hang out. i only have a few close friends anyway. and i feel so fucking misunderstood! i have my entire life! i feel like i have to explain myself ALL THE TIME and it pisses me off. right now, i'm questioning my sexuality. i started off with girls. it was around the time i was sexually abused. i was 6 years old when we turned him in (don't remember when it started). i've always been very attracted to girls. kissing them always made me horny (yes, even at that age). i started off with a girl a year younger than me. we used to kiss and dry hump each other. over the next 6 years, i had 7 others. with the last one, we were both naked and it was the best sexual experience i've had to date. tribbing is awesome. but see...when i was 6...i was peer pressured into making out with a boy. i didn't want to do it. but growing up, i desperately wanted to be ACCEPTED because i was abused sexually, emotionally, and physically. everywhere i went, pretty much. but anyway...i kissed him anyway and i just remember it being so....gross. he stuck his tongue in my mouth and i pulled away because i didn't know that people did such a thing. and everyone assured me that it was ok. so i [reluctantly] kissed him again. but i don't remember it turning me on like when i'd kiss a girl. after i was sexually abused, i never kissed a male again (until i was about 19). i was quite mean to boys, and it was the worst when i was 16. i was very brutal, especially to the ones that showed interest in me (even if i liked them too). it was the year i struggled the most with my sexuality because one day i thought "omg...i've only ever done stuff with girls! " it was hard for me to accept. and then i kept asking myself "am i a LESBIAN!?" like it was such a horrible thing. i was having a rough year, so that just made it worse. i almost dropped out of high school. i used to cry all night and every morning before school b/c i just didn't want to go. i had stuff thrown at me in the hallways. i was "the new girl." and i never understood WHAT it was about me that made people do that b/c i had never done anything to anyone. in fact, i kept to myself. i wasn't mean to anyone. and one day, i walked out to my car during lunch and there was Elmer's glue ALL over my car. they made sure they put it IN the door handles so that no matter what, i had glue all over my hands. so i got in my car and tried to fight the tears b/c i didn't want anyone to see me crying. i drove home. when i walked in the front door, my mom and brother were standing there and immediately asked what was wrong b/c by then, i was sobbing. they went outside and washed it all off. i curled up in my bed and cried. my mom called the school and bitched about it. it musta been pretty bad b/c she wouldn't even tell me what she said. (the lady on the phone always gave me a hard time). i just don't get what it is about me that makes people treat me like that. so far...males just aren't doing it for me. not the ones i've been with, anyway. i didn't even want to have sex w/ the first one. i was extremely vulnerable, in a remote location, it was dark outside. in his car. i was afraid that if i said no, he'd just ditch me there and i'd half to walk along the highway back to my car (and maybe then i'd be abducted). i always think the worst of everything. so i just did everything he wanted me to do. when he first kissed me, i was repulsed b/c it felt exactly the same as when i kissed the boy when i was 6. i just laid there, silent, while he fucked me. in a way, i felt raped. the second one, i was attracted to. he was very good-looking. but he was in it for himself and came in like 5 minutes, if even that, and then he was done. he went and took a shower. he then asked me if i'd drive him to walmart quick. so i did. right away, i figured out why. he was "showing me off" to his friend that was working that night. they exchanged a look that obviously meant "this is the one i was telling you i was going to fuck tonight." and then i was sent off. to say i was pissed off and hurt is an understatement. it was very humiliating for me. he also didn't use a condom, and just shoved it right in. i was PISSED. and then the third...was so small, i couldn't feel it. and i thought he was extremely boring. he fucked me for 6 hours straight and i just couldn't get into it. i got really annoyed after a while, like "just hurry up and get it over with already." everytime i've had sex with a guy, i've not been able to get into it b/c i think "....is this really happening?" my mind goes to another place. my body's there, but in my mind, i'm elsewhere. don't get me wrong, guys do turn me on. its just...i've noticed when it comes to actually HAVING sex....its hard for me to concentrate on my partner. instead, i end up thinking about random things that people think about when they're bored and have nothing to do. or i think about what i did that day, what i might do later or the next day, etc. i'm just really confused because i don't know what it means. am i not into guys? am i actually a lesbian? or is it because i was sexually abused? i don't mean that in a way that i think i'm into girls because i was abused, because i think people are born with it. i just think maybe i "check out" because its felt dirty to me with guys. its been so long since i've last done anything with a girl. i feel like i need to experiment with girls and see what its like. what i feel or don't feel. if its right for me. my problem is that i'm not..."out of the closet." simply because i'm confused about it. but my problem is that i don't really sleep around. its been 3 years since i last had sex. i'm not into casual sex. i have this fear of getting an STD, so its enough to keep me abstinent until i find someone that's right for me. :tongue: at the same time, i look to the future and i think of the time when i want to have children. the thing is, if i was with a female...obviously it would never happen. LOL. its very important to me to have my own children with my partner and the only way is to be with a male. i don't think i'd be into the whole adoption thing. not sure if i'd be with a guy that had any kids either. its not that i'd be jealous or anything like that. i'd just want my own children. my life is like a rollercoaster. throughout the day, i feel great and on top of the world, and the next minute, i'd rather be dead. i think about death everyday. i daydream about it. it makes me laugh to picture myself dying. other times...i'm numb and i think "oh well" about everything. out of nowhere, i have sudden outbursts of excitement and i pretty much annoy my family b/c i get loud and can't stop and just AHHH! so then i'll be told to "bring it down just a notch" or i'll get a look that makes it obvious that they're annoyed. it hurts everytime. so then i let out a deep sigh, and i stop. its frustrating because when it happens, i just want to get it all OUT. i don't really talk much b/c there's no one to talk to. i spend most of my time alone. i like it most of the time, but there are times when i just want to socialize. and then i'm like "Oh yeah...i don't have any friends." sometimes i even forget what my voice sounds like, and when i finally DO speak...my voice sounds a lot different than i thought it did. my mom teases me by saying "you're probably bipolar" and then chuckles. not like she's making fun of me or anything. i took a screening quiz online and my results were that i more than likely have the worst type of bipolar disorder. and i more than likely have OCD. PTSD. panic attacks. deep depression. i pretty much always feel drained and tired no matter how much sleep i get. i don't have mental stimulation. it depresses me b/c that's such a huge thing for me. often times, i feel like i'm crazy in the head, that if i go to a mental health place for an evaluation, they'll tell me i'm crazy and lock me up. i feel certain that they would. i've been through quite a bit and i've gone through it all by myself. my parents weren't around much. they were into drugs and alcohol. grew up homeless on and off til i was 9. sometimes i'd eat dirt. flowers. grass. i mean, there were times when they were around and they made sure we had food, but then there were other times where they'd be gone quite a bit. my brothers used to stay at friends' houses on weekends b/c there was never anything to eat. so i'd be by myself. sometimes they'd bring something for me to eat when they came back. i usually don't reveal so much. "the more people know about you, the more they can use against you." but OH WELL. :tongue: no one on here even knows me in person. and i feel...safer/more discreet typing about it online. i just want to feel loved. appreciated. accepted. cared about. HEARD. its pretty rare. when i get close to someone, whether it be a friend or a love interest, i like to express my feelings. i like to make THEM feel loved and appreciated. but it seems i never get it in return. its the worst feeling, especially when i love them so much. i love most people that i meet. i'd probably compare myself to an excited puppy. they do tricks because they want to feel appreciated. they want some attention. affection. the more the puppy is neglected, the harder it tries to get your attention. and if its neglected and treated badly for too long, it gets angry and it will turn on you.