I'm contemplating of coming out to my parents

lopo2000

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So, let me tell you the characteristics of my family:

1) My parents and 2 of my siblings are very conservative.
2) My brother and my another sister are not conservative, but my brother used to say something about how my mother should not let me act all "faggoty". The another sister didn't say or do anything that showed her attitude towards gays.
3) My younger sister is not conservative and seems to be open (I think she's the one who opened my diary but didn't say anything).
4) My in-laws are all religious teachers.

So, anyone has any similar family and has successfully come out to their family? Any advices? Tips? I'm quite freaking out.

Why I suddenly want come out? It's because I also want to feel the joy of introducing my boyfriend to my family members and them accepting him with open arms. I don't think I can have healthy love life until I come out.
 

travis7

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1. Be yourself .. Do you wasn't to be you or live the life of some one your not?
2. Once you come out do not expect a party, look how long it took you to come to terms with yourself.
3. Those who do not support you for being you just want the world to be like them and live in a bubble snow globe.
4 it's will be hard at first but what a relief to have the burden off your shoulders . You will feel better not living a lie.

My mother new n loves me, my sister did not speak to me for three months, now she is closer to me then ever. Any one who is not for me being me, never was a friend to begin with. Who are they to judge? They are not God.. God me you for who you are, he makes no mistakes.. But it's others who choose to hate and judge others.
 

D_BenJo_Ahanakokolele

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The road will be long, difficult and full of ugly. Be prepared for the unexpected.

Hope for the best scenario and plan for the worst. Remember that you have to place your happiness above all others, that includes your parents and family.
 

salter

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I don't think the people who responded to your post know what it's like in Malaysia. Are you Muslim? If you are that makes it more complicated in ways that Americans cannot even imagine
 

sexplease

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Have a good support group and/or level-headed friend.
Do what YOU love and be kind to others.
We all learn and grow from adversity...even the conservative, religious types.
You know who You are. Understand that others sometimes need your patients and skills to help them learn.
 

lopo2000

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I don't think the people who responded to your post know what it's like in Malaysia. Are you Muslim? If you are that makes it more complicated in ways that Americans cannot even imagine

Yes, I am actually. Which is why I'm quite nervous. Just now I was chatting with my sister (the one who might be open). I almost typed in the coming out words, I just couldn't. It's almost funny.
 

AtomicMouse1950

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Don't expect too much of it, or too little of it. You coming out, is something that I believe you feel you need to do. Keep an open mind, to however they might react. But whatever happens you have to deal with you, being gay, not your family. They either support you, or whatever, or however they might react. Your life is your life, and you certainly can't change who you truly are.
 

IntentsOfCare

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As long as you aren't living with them and they aren't a huge supportent in your financial life the do what you want. But if you basically need them to live right now I'd just keep it to myself. I had a friend who recently came out and they flat out ejected his ass. Took the car and said "go".
 

sexplease

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Oh, you're in Malaysia. I didn't take that into consideration. Buy a one-way ticket outta there and send post cards and photos of your happy life and adventures with your loving companion. It's YOUR life. Live it! It's a one way ticket to the grave.
 

lopo2000

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This morning I chatted with my sister again, trying to dip my foot into the water. When we were talking, I was steering the conversation until it got to the topic of homosexuality. Then, she suddenly talked about the one gay photo that she found in my desktop (which I didn't know), then I chickened out and told her that I have a gay friend who used my computer sometimes.

Lol, I'm a coward fucker. I don't think I'm ever coming out to my family.
 

jojolongdong

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This morning I chatted with my sister again, trying to dip my foot into the water. When we were talking, I was steering the conversation until it got to the topic of homosexuality. Then, she suddenly talked about the one gay photo that she found in my desktop (which I didn't know), then I chickened out and told her that I have a gay friend who used my computer sometimes.

Lol, I'm a coward fucker. I don't think I'm ever coming out to my family.

Unless I'm very much mistaken, your sister isn't stupid !
I think she knows, question is; How long will she keep it to herself ?

You don't have to come out of course, you can stay in the closet.

I didn't come out to my parents until I was in my early twenties, I was living with a guy in his one bedroom flat (apartment) and I decided to tell them when they came to visit.
I mention this because, they had time to consider the possibility and prepare themselves (ie, talk about it with each other) beforehand.

I did not have a clue what they would say, I was so nervous that I asked my boyfriend to go out for a couple of hours, because I didn't want him to think I was a weak and pathetic young man. I remember starting by saying "I've got something to tell you...." then it nearly went off the rails entirely before I managed to get the words out - I still remember exactly what they said, and it both surprised me and moved me almost to tears. (send me a Personal Message if you really want to know.)

If you do decide to tell them, then do it alone and do it face to face, and have a supportive friend waiting somewhere not too far away.... but I suggest you don't take anyone with you.... unless you have good reason.

Good luck !
 

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Given your location, religion, and situation, it may still be very illegal to be gay in your area--check the laws. Regardless, your area will NOT be accepting in general, so be very very careful who you come out to. It sounds like the one sister is the best bet as the starting point. If you are dependant on your parents still, do not come out to them until you are in a self supporting, stable situation. The emotional turmoil will be enought to deal with without suddenly finding yourself homeless as well. I wish I could be more positive, but in your situation you have to be very very careful. I wish you the very best!
 

lopo2000

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Thanks everyone. I'm financially stable and an independent person. They live in another state, so, practically I don't have to come out. But in a previous thread, one of you guys opened my eyes that I might have a messed up love life because of me not being able to be free with my family, especially my parents. I find it undeniable. So, after that, my mind is fixated on finding a way to come out without breaking my relationship with my family. Really, it's all I think about these past few days.
 

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Why do your parents need to be told? Within the religious and cultural environment you live in I think telling them will cause them enormous problems. Presumably you don't expect your parents and siblings to keep this a secret (if so you are just passing the burden from you alone to you and them) and I think they will be judged by the cultural and religious environment - they will be considered to be at fault for what will be seen as a family disgrace.

They should have no problem with the idea that you have a friend. Leave it at this. They might guess more, but I think they will not ask because they will not want to know. Maybe your society expects you to marry - well just accept the jokes and the efforts at match-making in good spirit and do what you want to do.

Every one of us is influenced (="messed up"?) by family and culture. I think you have to accept this. Malaysian culture will take many decades to change, probably more than your life time. You have to live in the culture as it is.

One thought is that straight guys don't have a conversation with their parents where they say "hi, I think you should know I'm straight". Why should you have to have such a conversation.
 

lopo2000

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Why do your parents need to be told? Within the religious and cultural environment you live in I think telling them will cause them enormous problems. Presumably you don't expect your parents and siblings to keep this a secret (if so you are just passing the burden from you alone to you and them) and I think they will be judged by the cultural and religious environment - they will be considered to be at fault for what will be seen as a family disgrace.

They should have no problem with the idea that you have a friend. Leave it at this. They might guess more, but I think they will not ask because they will not want to know. Maybe your society expects you to marry - well just accept the jokes and the efforts at match-making in good spirit and do what you want to do.

Every one of us is influenced (="messed up"?) by family and culture. I think you have to accept this. Malaysian culture will take many decades to change, probably more than your life time. You have to live in the culture as it is.

One thought is that straight guys don't have a conversation with their parents where they say "hi, I think you should know I'm straight". Why should you have to have such a conversation.

You gave such an interesting insight. But don't you think my family knowing is important for me to have a healthy love life? I mean, I really don't know. What do you think? I mean, is it even remotely possible to have a love life without our family being involved even a bit?
 

davidjh7

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Ultimately,YOU and your PARTNER dfine your relationship by hars work. You choose how you let people outside the relationship affect you. I know how important family is, but it is your life to live, nobody else's. All the best!
 

pmax

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Those who don't support you don't need to be part of your life. *BUT* If you still rely on your parents and family for support (financially, emotionally or otherwise), I would be very skeptical of coming out now. Coming out is wonderful, but you need a reliable network to get you through the rough spots.
 

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Conservative or not...while it may come as a initial shock or case of denial...some parents and families dont take it too well.....at first.....mine didnt...but after a while even the staunchest conservative ones come around and realize that its not who you sleep with or love that makes a person...after all you are still there son/brother and that usually wins out over stupid reasons or prejudices in the long run....
Just let them process the admission on theyre own and in theyre own time frame...dont push it on them...but be available to answer any questions they may ask (within reason, dont get to personal about sex and stuff) and what ever you do dont break it to them with your boyfriend or significant other there either...that doesnt ever go over well....good luck....and they will eventually come around...after they realize the risk of pushing you away after spurning you.....just remember cooler heads prevail and this might be a shock to them...so give them the time to get used to it....
 

pmax

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I should have brought this up earlier. Do you personally know other people who have come out to their family in Malaysia? What was their reaction? Are there places you can go to get help if your family needs time away from you?

Most of the people posting here, including myself, are coming from a European/North American perspective, which is significantly different from yours. While I'm not trying to persuade you to stay closeted, every person deserves to have a safe, confident coming out period.