I'm dating an older man and I'm jealous of his past

[B_d_man09x]

Okay, so here's my situation:

I'm dating a guy that is 13 years older than me. I often find myself getting caught up in his past sex life and experiences. I'm 23 and he's 36. While I've been with other people, I still find myself jealous when I hear about him going to another city and sleeping with another guy (even if it was 5 years ago). We've been together for 11 months now, and I just heard a story that pissed me off about him, although I didn't even know him at the time.

What do I do? How do I get over this? I feel like it's taking over my entire thought process. In my head I know his past has no bearing on our relationship, but it really bothers me. Am I alone on this? Is it common?

I love him, and I've never loved someone more than him. To think he's been with so many people really bothers me because I don't see him that way.

Help! :-(

 

[Ldnn]

Get your head together, go make some money and plan your own trips. Forge your own history with him, and know it's going to be better than any of his past flames because you're part of it now.

If there's one thing which kills relationships it's being backward looking, I want to see my future with whoever I'm with to be in the future, not stuck in the past. Plan things, talk about doing things, and actually do them instead of just leaving it at talk.

I should add when I'm re-reading my reply it reads abruptly, it isn't my intention to be so direct, but I think for this problem it has a simple solution. You need to move on, and work out how to move on with him.

 

[Countryguy63]

How can he help what he did, or who he was with before you?

I don't know how you're going to keep yourself from obsessing over it, but it's unfair to be pissed at him for the past.

Dude, you're going to blow a good thing (and not in a good way). You'de better be thankful for the present, and view the past as "The past"

 

[B_d_man09x]

Well we do travel together and take a lot of trips. I'm sorry, should have been more clear. My problem with his past is simply sex-related.

 

[B_d_man09x]

I know he can't help it. I just get irritated because when we first met we talked about a lot of things. And he told me he wasn't like that and didn't run around. I know I'm being stupid and obsessing over it. I wish I could just stop thinking about it.

 

[helgaleena]

Why have you got the pattern of being jealous, which you say has shown itself to you in other relationships too? Is there an underlying feeling that you feel as if you will not measure up, or are undeserving of such a good partner? Try to work on that. Nurture and improve yourself and it will keep your mind occupied and relax you. The end effect will be a more lovable you.

 

[B_d_man09x]

I think some of that may be it. I do wonder if I measure up. But I also get jealous to think so many people have had him. Or that so many people have had the same dick I get. Or that he's slept with so many people that our sex means nothing or very little. Or jealous that I haven't had similar sexual encounters or situations that he has

 

[Countryguy63]

I think some of that may be it. I do wonder if I measure up. But I also get jealous to think so many people have had him. Or that so many people have had the same dick I get. Or that he's slept with so many people that our sex means nothing or very little. Or jealous that I haven't had similar sexual encounters or situations that he has

Let me let you in on something.. "Sex", in itself means very little or nothing, unless you are with someone that you really care for. When you two have sex, it's special because you are with each other. His past experiences take nothing away from your time together.

Cherish the fact that he is now with you and has left them behind. :biggrin1:

 

[MC1000]

Maybe you could look at it from a different view. He has not had alot of partners, he is just experienced. Or, out of all his past partners he has had he has chosen to be with you. As some say, you have to kiss alot of toads before you find your prince.
I know a partner's past can be problematic, but it comes down to you and how you choose to deal with it. Do you have a perfect or pristine past? If he is throwing his past up in fornt of you to cause you pain or make you feel insecure then your relationship has a problem, not just you. The only way to have a partner without a sexual past is to find a virgin.
You say you are upset because when you meet he said he wasn't like that. Are you upset because you feel he lied to you or are you upset just because of the number of partners? There is a world of difference between 23 and 36! I think it would be unusal for a 36 year old gay or straight man who is not married or in a serious longterm relationship to not have had alot of partners. Example: Let's say you became sexually active at 18 and by 23 you have had sex with 10 partners, which works out to an average of 2 partners per year. So at 36, with the same average and same starting age, it would equal 36 partners. Considering that a man's 20's is usually his most sexually active time, 36 partners might be an low average number.
How many people do you think, when they meet someone new, start out by saying, "Oh yeah, I'm a slut. I've slept my way through the phone once and already half way through again." Not many.
Ask yourself why this really bothers you. Is it just the number? Is it because he did not give you a detaied list up front? Did you think he was a saint and now that you are seeing his past you think less of him? Are you afraid you will have to complete with past lovers to keep him interested? Do you think less of yourself for being with a man who has had so many partners? Are you afriad he was not able to committ to any of his numerous partners and you will become just another notch in his bed post?
There are no gaurantees in life or relationships. All you can do is live for today. If everything else in you relationship is fine just be thankful and move on. You will have to make the choice to not let his past ruin your present and future. If you can't find a way to get over this then you will be better off to end this relationship now and hope you can remain friends, because this is the type of issue that will fester and eventually poisona relationship. Get over it, move on and be happy.

 

[B_d_man09x]

Thanks for your post. Will respond in more detail later, but i think a lot of it is I think it makes me think less of him. Because before, in my eyes, he was such a great guy. Now I'm equating his slutty past with the quality of his present character. :-/

 

[helgaleena]

Experience does not make one a slut! Inexperience is only a virtue if you want to be taught from scratch! Which one fits you, d_man?

 

[MC1000]

That makes sense. Just one question. Other than the issue with the number of past partners, has he done anything else while you have been together which you feel diminishes his character? Is this a major character flaw that is just the tip of the iceberg, a part of his past he is not proud of, or something so normal and trivial he just assumed it a given for someone his age?
I don't know if this guy is good for you or not. Only you can make that choice. The way we veiw the world and what is or is not important changes as we age. What may seem as an insurmountable obsticle in our 20s is nothing more than a speed bump in our 40s or 50s. There are so many things in our lives that, when we get older, we look back on and say to ourselves, "What the fuck was I thinking? What was the big deal? I let the best thing in my life slip away for that?" In other words, regerts.
One thing that throughs up a red flag for me in your post is the word jealous. Usually when you say you are jealsous of some one or something it means that you wish you were that person or that you had that certain thing someone else has. Did you mean to say that you are jealous because he has had more partners in his past than you. or that you simple wish that had more partners in general. Example: Your friend gets a new car and you are jealous because you want a new car and did not get one, or you don't think he deserve a new car and you do, or you simply don't want anyone to have something you don't.
Saying you are jealous of your partner's past implies that you are envious of his past. You want something for yourself that he has. So is this thing that your are jealous of or envious of (want for yourself) the thing that is diminishing your partners character?
Please don't take offence at this, but it almost sounds like you are jealous of him for being a bigger slut than you are or for being a bigger slut than you hope to be. How does this affect your character?
I understand that people usually trun out to be less than we thought they were and that can cause problems. There is nothing wrong with that. If everyone were truly the person we think they are when we first get together or fall in love, the divorce rate would be a hell of alot lower! The great and all mighty powerful Wizzard of Oz turned out to be much less than everyone thought him to be, but he still was a good, kind and considerate man who had alot to give!

 

[Countryguy63]

d_man,

You might want to think long and hard about this...

Did you fall in love with him because you thought he was a Saint?

Or did you fall in love with him because he was attractive to you, you felt good while you were with him, or you felt like you guys made a great couple together?

Has any of that changed, just because he may have had a bit more experiences than he revealed in the beginning? I don't think so. I think if you continue in this direction, you are going to put unneeded stress on the relationship and possibly even drive you guys apart

 

[nudeyorker]

When two people are in a relationship almost everything from our past shapes who we are and what we can bring to the table in a relationship. There really is no value in obsessing over the past because no matter how hard you try you can't change it.
Think about forging your lives together and the memories you can create together and the milestones you have to look forward to.
Maybe if you've had the open candid discussion about your past adventures before you met it might be best to say to him... Let's not discuss it any further and focus on us.
BTW I was pretty sexually adventurous when I was single and have no regrets but life changes when you are a couple.
Read my signature and repeat it to yourself the next time you find you are obsessing about it.

 

[houtx48]

grow up and stop whining

 

[Bbucko]

Thanks for your post. Will respond in more detail later, but i think a lot of it is I think it makes me think less of him. Because before, in my eyes, he was such a great guy. Now I'm equating his slutty past with the quality of his present character. :-/

As an "older man" whose sexual history you'd probably find appalling if you were really informed of the scope of its entirety, let me clear some things up for you right now.

1) Every moment he's lived as added a dimension to his character, his perspective and understanding; every sexual encounter he's enjoyed has helped him increase knowledge of his own body, and of others as well. He brings this wealth of experience to you in lots of ways, not least in bed.

2) The time for all this concern was when you'd first met, not almost a year in. Discussing one's past (career, education, romantic involvements and sex in general) are all part of the qualifying process when selecting whether or not someone's the right fit for you. This is all info you should have asked him to share up-front during the first few weeks, especially when it's so integral to your respect of him as a person.

3) "Slut shaming" is a despicable practice meant to keep the sex drives of women in line. Such deplorable thinking has no place in a gay relationship where, by its non-procreative nature, we live our sex lives by different rules.

4) Since this post is entirely about you and how you feel, you owe it to the future of your relationship to be as open and above-board regarding what you think influences his "character" and precisely how loathsome and unbearable you find his past to have been. He needs this level of information before considering how much more to invest (emotionally, spiritually and monetarily) with someone who is so very quick to judge him based on what happened to him before you even met, especially when you now doubt that he's such a "great guy". Otherwise you're just taking him for a ride.

 

[DRW414]

Hey there!

I really think you need to get over this or you will drive yourself insane. What he did in the past is just that. The past. When I met my fiance 2 years ago, I could count on one hand how many men he had been with. Now me on the other hand..... Well that is a different story. He knows all about it, and he was the first person I told. I have been with countless men and women in my day. More than 170 to be exact! But that was the past. Thank God I didn't make any decisions that would have caused serious health concerns now. That being said, my fiance could not care less about tha era of my life. I am committed to him and our relationship, and that is all that matters. This insecurity you have could be the death of your relationship if you let it get the best of you!

 

[D_Edwin Eatser]

your man was probably fucking girls when you were playing with dolls. so what, he's fucking you now, so enjoy!

 

[B_subgirrl]

MC1000 and Bbucko - brilliant posts.

Just one more thing to add to them . . .

Why does saying 'No, I don't want to have sex' make someone a better person?

 

[B_quietguy]

All the past experiences of your boyfriend have influenced who he is today. If you like him enough to start a relationship with, then why not like how all his past helped make him who he is today.

If he chose to have fewer or no sex partners in the past, then he might not be as good a lover for you today. Instead, he might be filled with anxieties about being a good lover for you or worrying that you might judge him for not being so good in bed. That alone is a good reason for you to show appreciation for his many past lovers.

Now if somebody were to judge me for my past sexual experiences, I would boot that person out the door. I accept my lovers for who they are today, and accept that their past choices and experiences made them worthy of me sharing my time and body with them. If they can't do the same for me, then I'd say the relationship is not based on mutual respect. I'd think that my friendship and relationship with that person depends on whether I lived by their values.