I'm dating an older man and I'm jealous of his past

[AlteredEgo]

Thank god I was so social when I was single. My husband was a virgin. One of us had to know what the fuck was going on. My (responsible) active sex life does not make me any better or worse a person than my sexually less experienced husband.

Similarly, the fact that you are more sexually conservative than your man, does not in any way demonize him. Was he dishonest? Did you specifically ask him and get a lie? Or did you ask him a subjective question and get a subjective response?

I have had a lot of lovers. I have only had one one night stand, and he's the one who made it that way. I would have happily made it a regular thing. I usually had a rotation of three or four lovers to choose from when I was single. As some of these arrangements lost their appeal, or the men settled down with someone else, I would replace them. I didn't consider this running around. So if you'd asked me, "Did you run around a lot?" I'd have replied in the negative. If you'd asked me, "How many lovers have you had in the past six months?" I'd have given you the number. Both answers would have been honest, but perhaps you'd have felt deceived. Did something like that happen between you and your man?

 

[DavidXL]

As an "older man" whose sexual history you'd probably find appalling if you were really informed of the scope of its entirety, let me clear some things up for you right now.

1) Every moment he's lived as added a dimension to his character, his perspective and understanding; every sexual encounter he's enjoyed has helped him increase knowledge of his own body, and of others as well. He brings this wealth of experience to you in lots of ways, not least in bed.

2) The time for all this concern was when you'd first met, not almost a year in. Discussing one's past (career, education, romantic involvements and sex in general) are all part of the qualifying process when selecting whether or not someone's the right fit for you. This is all info you should have asked him to share up-front during the first few weeks, especially when it's so integral to your respect of him as a person.

3) "Slut shaming" is a despicable practice meant to keep the sex drives of women in line. Such deplorable thinking has no place in a gay relationship where, by its non-procreative nature, we live our sex lives by different rules.

4) Since this post is entirely about you and how you feel, you owe it to the future of your relationship to be as open and above-board regarding what you think influences his "character" and precisely how loathsome and unbearable you find his past to have been. He needs this level of information before considering how much more to invest (emotionally, spiritually and monetarily) with someone who is so very quick to judge him based on what happened to him before you even met, especially when you now doubt that he's such a "great guy". Otherwise you're just taking him for a ride.

This is one of the best posts I've read on this site in a while, Bbucko. It was so spot-on, I've come back to re-read it several times. Maybe it hit close to home for me, because back when I was in my early 20s or so (i.e., the OP's age), I could be silently judgmental of people with what I then would have considered "slutty" pasts, but would now consider to be a rich and broad range of sexual and life experiences. You really are a great writer, and your posts always intrigue me.

To the OP: you've received some good advice from a number of people. Cherish your boyfriend for he is, for how he feels about you, and for the good things you feel about him. The world can be a hard place to live in. If you're lucky enough to have found someone to love who also loves you back, you should cherish that relationship and not look for ways to pick it apart.

 

[EdWoody]

I can add very little to the good advice already given in this thread, but I would like to add the following:

What the hell did you expect? You knew he was older than you when you met him. Well, guess what - people who have had more time to have sex, have probably had more sex. That you are freaking out over something that to me seems like a foregone conclusion is just self-defeating and silly.

To your credit you do at least seem to realize this. The trick is just learning to get over it, for which I refer you back to the previous posts.

Let me give you a different perspective (I guess I had more to say than I thought I did). I was comparatively sexually inexperienced when I met my partner who, similar to yours, is 13 years old than me. I was only just getting into my slutty phase. Well, you know what we did? We went out and were slutty together. Sex is fun! Enjoy it while you're young and healthy! (Which is not to say old people can't have great sex, obviously, because that would be nonsense.)

 

[warmandsoapy]

I'll tell ya, these older guys have some stories to tell! They have lived their sexual lives to overflowing! I'll take a blow job from an older dude once in awhile just to feel an "experienced" mouth on me and it usually is a great experience. No gagging or teeth...and even a deep throat experience now and again! :smile:

 

[kurios]

The past is just that PAST
Forget it and live now

 

[EdWoody]

I don't agree with "forget the past."

I say, embrace it, learn from it, and use it to make your present and future better.

 

[nudeyorker]

I don't agree with "forget the past."

I say, embrace it, learn from it, and use it to make your present and future better.

Could not have said it better! Read my signature!

 

[D_Delbert Peecock]

So...., it's okay for you to have been with other people before you two met, and now it's eating you up to think that he was with other people even before you met? ...hhhhmmm....interesting.

My two cents, in the nicest way: get over it, get over yourself, get over your absurd jealousy, and move on with him. But if you keep up that behaviour that's eating you up inside you're likely to find yourself moving on and without him... Dude, look forward and good luck!

 

[sexplease]

Our children are not our children, really. They are the arrows we set forth from our quivers. The can no more go where we have been than we can go where they go.
- loosely based on K. Gilbrans, the Profit - on children

 

[B_curiousme01]

loving someone means accepting them for who they are, not who you want them to be. Work it out or go and try to find a virgin.