I'm Desperate, Was It A Rape? Need Help.

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2934161

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Hello guys, don't know if the post is correct here.
I'm down and don't know what to do next. Something happened last Saturday, I'm confused and it's driving me crazy.
I was at a friend's birthday party, his boyfriend was there too, we are a clique and known each other for a long time, everything was great. There was a lot of alcohol. I was very drunk that night and vomited several times. At some point around 3 a.m., only me, my friend and his boyfriend were left. But I had to wait until 6 a.m. to take the first train home. So we all went to the bedroom to lie down. I took off my pants and shirt and fell asleep. At some point I woke up because I noticed someone was giving me a blow job. It was the boyfriend, I was petrified and didn't really understand what was happening, my friend who had his birthday bent over then and took my dick into his mouth and suck me as well. I just lay there. My dick was hard.I couldn't move. I don't know how long it lasted, I just know that at some point I jumped up and yelled what the hell you guys do, I got dressed and left the apartment. Outside I had to cry when I realized what had just happened. I called my boyfriend (together for 7 years) and told him crying about it. The next day my friend (who had his Birthday) wrote to me about what happend and that he was so sorry and that he was drunk and didn't know how it could get that far. Since then I've felt extremely bad, my boyfriend doesn't blame me, but I still feel like I cheated on him (even if I haven't done anything). I'm driving myself crazy because I didn't jump up in the moment when I woke up and saw what happened. I just couldn't, I was like stone. Maybe it’s my own fault because i did Onlyfans (only alone without others)? The two knew about it, it got around. I am just ashamed, my thoughts go crazy. I can't get this evening out of my head.
I deleted my Onlyfans and Twitter, I can no longer do that. I feel like I deserve this because I did this onlyfans shit and I'm scum because of it. I don't know how to deal with the situation, I love my boyfriend and would never cheat on him. Still, I can't look him in the eye because someone else had my penis in their mouth.

Do you have a suggestion for me?

Hope you understand all, im not the best in english.
 
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XAE14G

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Shit happens. Take this as a learning experience, drink with moderation. I don't know how old you are but life is an endless learning experience. Your boyfriend acted very mature and it shows that he really trusts you. Flesh is weak, maybe your "friends" had a fetish and you just gave them the oportunity to make it happen. I can't imagine how you feel now after this traumatic experience but try to get over with this, don't let it take over your life.
 

linniejr

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Hello guys, don't know if the post is correct here.
I'm down and don't know what to do next. Something happened last Saturday, I'm confused and it's driving me crazy.
I was at a friend's birthday party, his boyfriend was there too, we are a clique and known each other for a long time, everything was great. There was a lot of alcohol. I was very drunk that night and vomited several times. At some point around 3 a.m., only me, my friend and his boyfriend were left. But I had to wait until 6 a.m. to take the first train home. So we all went to the bedroom to lie down. I took off my pants and shirt and fell asleep. At some point I woke up because I noticed someone was giving me a blow job. It was the boyfriend, I was petrified and didn't really understand what was happening, my friend who had his birthday bent over then and took my dick into his mouth and suck me as well. I just lay there. My dick was hard.I couldn't move. I don't know how long it lasted, I just know that at some point I jumped up and yelled what the hell you guys do, I got dressed and left the apartment. Outside I had to cry when I realized what had just happened. I called my boyfriend (together for 7 years) and told him crying about it. The next day my friend (who had his Birthday) wrote to me about what happend and that he was so sorry and that he was drunk and didn't know how it could get that far. Since then I've felt extremely bad, my boyfriend doesn't blame me, but I still feel like I cheated on him (even if I haven't done anything). I'm driving myself crazy because I didn't jump up in the moment when I woke up and saw what happened. I just couldn't, I was like stone. Maybe it’s my own fault because i did Onlyfans (only alone without others)? The two knew about it, it got around. I am just ashamed, my thoughts go crazy. I can't get this evening out of my head.
I deleted my Onlyfans and Twitter, I can no longer do that. I feel like I deserve this because I did this onlyfans shit and I'm scum because of it. I don't know how to deal with the situation, I love my boyfriend and would never cheat on him. Still, I can't look him in the eye because someone else had my penis in their mouth.

Do you have a suggestion for me?

Hope you understand all, im not the best in english.

exxclusiv, let me say this to you, whether or not it was your boyfriend or another friend, whenever consent is not given, it is RAPE!!!! You've clearly stated that you were drunk and when you woke up this is what was happening to you. If nothing else it is sexual assault. Understand that your getting an erection is something that happens naturally, so you have nothing to be ashamed of. I would suggest that if you don't want to bring formal charges against these people, that you have a long hard talk with them about what happened.

I wish you well and keep us informed.
 

rd62624

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ditto what XAE14G said.. They took advantage of you being drunk. Be care full of how much you drink around friends or company. Your boyfriends seems mature. Let it go or it will eat away at you and destroy your relationship with your boyfriend. Chalk it up as a learning experience .
 

gayjayblk

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I echo what @linniejr said it was assault. No matter how much you drank you did not give consent. You are well within your rights to report this to the police or an assault service. Don’t deal with this alone. Use your bf (who sounds lovely Btw) to lean on for support. I wish you well x
 

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I’m sorry this happened to you :( Do not feel like it was because of your OF or anything else you did, you did not ask for this. I also support others in that you should report this, especially if you have something in writing from your friend that you can use as evidence. They had no right to take advantage of you and should be held accountable for their actions. Please don’t feel bad, it was not your fault.
 

Dan-A

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It doesn’t matter if you have only fans or go around naked. If you don’t approve someone to touch you then it’s his fault and it’s a rape.
A rape doesn’t have to be with a penetration.
It’s never the victims fault and you can’t judge yourself on how you reacted when it happened! You can never know...
I’m sorry you had to go through that....
Remember it’s never your fault!!
 
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2934161

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Thanks for your answers, somebody asked my age, I'm 29. My boyfriend supports me, he says it wasn't my fault. I have my friend who had birthday and his boyfriend meanwhile blocked everywhere (whats app, facebook). I don't want to go to the police, I just want to forget about it. Only my head won't let me get over it, always this thought: Maybe it's your own fault, maybe your appearance radiates it. I'm usually someone who always liked to be naked and show myself, even if it was just online. My look is very important to me.
I've talked a lot about sex and was just an open person. But right now, I feel like I could never be that person again. It hurts that 2 people I blindly trusted did something like that. Especially the friend who had the birthday, he is actually a nice, rather shy guy.
Also, I have these thoughts that I might be exaggerating, it wasn't that bad, it was just a blowjob. As I said before, my mind is running wild. Again and again I go through this evening in my head like a movie. I can't go partying either, I'm part of the gay scene here in Cologne, Germany. Everyone knows everyone, it could happen that I see one of the two who did that there every weekend. I can not do that. I have the feeling that I now have to prove to my boyfriend that I love him, although he doesn't blame me, I'm afraid that he will think differently about me. Why do I have such thoughts when I haven't done anything? I just hope that it will eventually pass and that I can go back to normal.
 
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Brodie888

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My suggestion is to get professional counseling from a person used to dealing with gay men and sexual abuse.

Yes you were sexually molested and are experiencing/have experienced a very normal reaction to what has happened.

It's something you will recover from with the right tools from the right professional. Don't rely on friends or family, they mean well but could possibly make you bury your feelings instead of dealing with them.
 

headbang8

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Why do I have such thoughts when I haven't done anything? I just hope that it will eventually pass and that I can go back to normal.

I wholeheartedly support everything that's been said so far. It was sex, and you didn't consent to it. That's the very definition of sexual assault.

And it most certainly wasn't your fault. You don't need to forgive yourself for your actions, and your boyfriend doesn't need to forgive you for anything, either.

It was traumatic. Recovering from trauma is hard—and there are many traumas which will linger with us for a very long time.

PTSD really does need professional help to address. It still will be hard work for you to recover, it will be immensely more manageable with a therapist.

Right now, I imagine that your boyfriend wants to help you. He's a great ally to have on your side. But unfortunately, you'll need to do most of the emotional heavy work on this matter. Out of his love for you, he might find it frustrating. It may be healthy to reassure each other of your love, and not to place any sexual expectations on each other for a while.

There's no hurry for you to return to the scene. Please take your time to heal, and be gentle with yourself. You will sense when you feel strong enough to face the triggers returning to the scene might contain. Don't put yourself in a position to be triggered until you've regained some emotional strength.

My heart goes out to you, @exxclusiv_. Take care of yourself.
 

dreambridger

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yeah that's the downright opposite of your fault. That is something that happened to you, period, nothing that you caused. certainly not by your sexuality or appearance or exhibitionism, none of which can 'cause' someone to get raped. You have a full right to both your boundaries AND your sexual happiness. You sound ashamed of both and you should never ever be.

I hear you expressing no anger towards your friends that did this to you. Why? They were the ones that were conscious. They may have been drunk, but they were still the ones that were awake. Certainly if you're calling them friends that implies a trust, and it sounds like it's been broken. So why are you blaming yourself? I have to guess that you're not feeling worthy of being angry, or anger also might produce shame in you.

Only you can make the choices you need to make concerning this situation, but if I were to offer my help it's to try to get you to see that what appears to be a low self-esteem is really working against you in this situation. You deserve to have your boundaries observed, you deserve to have pleasure and joy and love in this life even if that means being a little self-indulgent and silly sometimes, you deserve to have friends who respect you and that you can trust, and you have a right to be angry when that respect or trust is violated. If you can learn to know that in your bones, you can take on great adversities.

Oh and your English is fine. I didn't notice it wasn't your first language until you pointed it out.
 

Big_a_20

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This wasn’t your fault.

It is not your fault you got drunk and your “friends” took advantage of you. It is not your fault you were in shock and didn’t say anything as it was happening. It is not your fault that you feel conflicted about your emotions and how to process what happened to you.

Speak to someone; even if you do not choose to report it, you need to process your emotions so this won’t affect you going forward and leave you with any lasting effects.

what you are thinking and going through is very common with anyone who has been assaulted. Regardless if it was a “blowjob”, you having an Onlyfans, or whatever, they took advantage of the situation and they shouldn’t have. If I was in Germany I’d offer to kick their ass for you lol. But in all seriousness, what you are feeling is normal and you are not to blame for being assaulted. You felt safe that you didn’t have to worry about such things and they betrayed your trust and your choice.
 

Lost.intra

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Sorry friend that happened to u never ur fault u should definitely go to the police just for that sake of it he’s a fucking loser for that im so sorry that happened to u
 
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2934161

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Hi guys, thank you for your answers. Something has happened in the meantime. I've had tonsillitis since Wednesday. My doctor then asked me if I was having sex with men. I then told him about what happened last Saturday. He took a smear. He says it could be that I got infected with an STI (throat gonorrhea) this manifests itself as tonsillitis. I told him that I didn't do anything with either of them myself. He then said that he is worried that when I was still asleep one of them tried to put his dick in my mouth and that it infected my throat.
I'll get the results on Tuesday. If it turns out to be true, it can only come from them. My boyfriend and I are and have always been monogamous. I've never had problems and never had an STI.
I then talked to my doctor for a long time and by now everything has turned into hate. After hearing that I went straight to the police and reported both of them. I just still hate these two and wish them the worst.
I have now drawn my conclusions from this. For now, I will not drink any more alcohol and stay away from the scene.
 

Lost.intra

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Hi guys, thank you for your answers. Something has happened in the meantime. I've had tonsillitis since Wednesday. My doctor then asked me if I was having sex with men. I then told him about what happened last Saturday. He took a smear. He says it could be that I got infected with an STI (throat gonorrhea) this manifests itself as tonsillitis. I told him that I didn't do anything with either of them myself. He then said that he is worried that when I was still asleep one of them tried to put his dick in my mouth and that it infected my throat.
I'll get the results on Tuesday. If it turns out to be true, it can only come from them. My boyfriend and I are and have always been monogamous. I've never had problems and never had an STI.
I then talked to my doctor for a long time and by now everything has turned into hate. After hearing that I went straight to the police and reported both of them. I just still hate these two and wish them the worst.
I have now drawn my conclusions from this. For now, I will not drink any more alcohol and stay away from the scene.


Damn, man hope everything comes back clear for you. That’s truly fucked up but at least u did the report. Fuck them they are not friends.
 
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JonSomebody

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exxclusiv, let me say this to you, whether or not it was your boyfriend or another friend, whenever consent is not given, it is RAPE!!!! You've clearly stated that you were drunk and when you woke up this is what was happening to you. If nothing else it is sexual assault. Understand that your getting an erection is something that happens naturally, so you have nothing to be ashamed of. I would suggest that if you don't want to bring formal charges against these people, that you have a long hard talk with them about what happened.

I wish you well and keep us informed.


Very well put....