I'm engaged and I want to have sex with other women

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by galaxus, Mar 22, 2011.

  1. galaxus

    galaxus Member

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    Hi, I'm a 22 year old man who has been engaged for 8 months now. We don't have a date and we don't plan on getting married soon. But we do know that we are the one for each other.

    To be blunt, I want to have sex with other women. Why? I'm not really sure. my fiancée is the only woman I've sex with. The sex is GREAT, her company is pleasant and she is absolutely beautiful (to be honest I was blessed to just have her fall in my lap), but I just want to see what else is out there. At first she was ok with me trying to look sex, but now she can't stand it (and that irritates me a lil bit because she promised to help me get through this.... but I can't blame her). She thought my feelings would just go away. But they won't. This is an issue I want to deal with before I get married.

    I just can't fuck any woman either. I would like them to be attractive and I don't want to pay for. paying for sex just negates the whole thing. I would also like them to be attracted to me, to find me sexy.

    I'm having a hard time trying to find a decent woman to have sex with. Clubs are WACK!! Especially in Michigan. There are nobody but older, fat, ugly, creepy druggies and drunks at Michigan clubs. I just graduated so I'm not in class anymore either. I work a lot but I have enough time for my self.


    Am I wrong? maybe, but this is the only way I know how to get through this. I don't want to feel this way.... but I just do....
     
  2. freakyscboy

    freakyscboy New Member

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    y'all need to break up and u need to have sex with someone. if u dont u will most likely cheating on her when y'all do get married. u only have one life. keep open communication and let her know u have to be with someone else.
     
  3. _Jonesy

    _Jonesy Member

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    Is it worth losing the girl of your dreams for sex?
     
  4. galaxus

    galaxus Member

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    Is it worth staying with her this frustrated? They're hard questions to answer.

    I know I have my issues and she has hers.

    I'm pretty sure I wouldn't lose her.... but the main thing is that I don't want to hurt her, ever. Now she is saying that this will hurt her. But I can't be like this forever.

    She knows how I feel. Some of her issues has exacerbated mine. But I still love her and she loves me. She knows I want to do this. She doesn't understand, but she knows.
     
  5. thirtyseven

    thirtyseven New Member

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    Don't do it. Sex with someone "attractive" doesn't mean anything. You've got a perfectly good to-be wife, and you've got a great sex life according to what you said. I think you've got a pretty good bundle all wrapped up. Plus, it's all YOURS. Don't risk it for some fun fuck. They don't love you, won't be there for you through your ups and downs.

    Your fiancee loves you, will be there for you. This urge doesn't need to be fulfilled.. If you truly love her don't throw away a good thing for 15 seconds.
     
  6. GayFrog

    GayFrog Member

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    When it comes to marriage you make a commitment of love and devotion to each other.
    In French there is a saying il faut qu’une porte soit ouverte ou fermée (a door must either be open or closed). From what you've wrote here I do not think you are ready for marriage and all the responsibilities that come with it. And if you do marry I'm convinced it will not last, and you'll find yourself in-front of a divorce judge.
    [FONT=&quot]
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  7. BobLeeSwagger

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    You have to be honest with her about what you're feeling, even if it causes her to dump you. If you can't be open with her about this, then she's not the one anyway.
     
  8. ConstantComment

    ConstantComment New Member

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    I would like to explore what you're feeling as I am surprised that in this day and age, two people at the young age of 22 feel ready to marry one another. But I do see an interesting caveat here.....you don't have a date set. Have you bought her a ring yet? Do you tell everyone you meet you have a fiancee?

    Did you ask HER to marry you? Or did you agree to it? And in either case, was this put her in holding pattern? ie You don't want anyone else to have her.

    My brother dated his wife from junior high until they were both 29 at their wedding. But my brother had plenty of activity in between. They went to different universities so they were off for some years and so on. Now, they've been married for 15 years.

    If you fool around on your fiance now at a time when you two don't have "an understanding," you will inflict the worst damage on your relationship with her. IF you two break up, it would be an iffy proposition as to whether you two will get together. But anything can happen. She could find someone else whom she prefers. OR you could find someone else you prefer. This is one reason why I could never have an open relationship: What if my guy found someone who refuses to participate and then he drops me (and the open relationship) for her.

    What are the "issues" that you refer to? In any case, my suggestion would be to break off the relationship before fooling around even though this won't guarantee that she will be hanging around waiting for you.
     
  9. citr

    citr New Member

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    I'm in almost your exact situation. 22 years old, engaged for a year, she's the only woman I've slept with, our sex life is fantastic, we love each other, and basically she's my dream girl. I always thought i'd be with several people in my life, but mainly because I didn't think I'd find someone like her so soon. I'm an old-timey romantic, so I'm more than happy to forfeit those other fucks. Frankly, sex in itself isn't interesting enough to me to want to try it with a bunch of people I don't care for. I can pretty much imagine how it'd go.

    My only advice is that I'd suggest reflecting to make sure this is really about sex, and not something else. Because if it is only the sex, I think you've really got to look at making this one sacrifice. At some basic level one pair of boobs ain't a whole hell of a lot different from another, and you'd be incurring a LOT of pain just to feel the squishy parts of some other mammal.

    Maybe talk to a therapist. Instead of focusing on your of-the-moment frustration, talk to yourself rationally and focus on your love for her. Our emotions are to a great degree influenced by what we focus on. If we dwell on irrational frustration and what we're missing out on, we're gonna feel incomplete, chaotic. But if we go out of our way to reason with ourselves and focus on our great loves/passions/commitments, more than likely we'll feel whole, satisfied.

    Or you could be like Marshall from HIMYM and allow yourself the Sudden Unexpected Terminal Illness Scenario. Once she kicks it and you've sufficiently grieved, you'll be fucking the hell out of entire metropolitan areas! :eek::wink:
     
    #9 citr, Mar 22, 2011
    Last edited: Mar 22, 2011
  10. galaxus

    galaxus Member

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    I hate that people don't read what I post.

    Yes I'm honest with her! I tell he about this frequently. She doesn't like to talk about it because she doesn't know what to do.

    We did get a wedding ring. It was beautiful too. But we had to take it back because we needed the money to fix her car. We knew we wouldn't get married for another couple years so we decided to just get the car fixed.

    And Yes I asked her to me marry me. Not because wanted to lock her down. I know she is the one for me. I didn't get down on one knee. We were just looking at each and started to talk about it. We got a ring 3 months later.

    I know I'm not ready to be married yet. Thats why I want to deal with this shit first!

    Her issues: She has a history of being abused. It makes her tough and a survivor (she doing well in school and being a responsible adult) and I love that. But it also makes her emotionally detached sometimes.

    My issues: i'm not sure. Sexual issues? of course, but where does it come from?
     
  11. At.your.cervix

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    Galaxus, you guys seem to have some serious issues here. Instead of getting advice from the Large Penis Support Group, you really ought to see a professional relationship counselor. If this woman is the one who you want to spend your life with, it's worth the investment in time and money. Good luck with everything--honest.
     
  12. galaxus

    galaxus Member

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    Thanks At.your.cervix.

    We're trying to. But it isn't cheap and we have college tuition and loans to pay off too.

    Bills, bills, bills.

    But I know.... its still worth it to see professional. We're trying to.
     
  13. citr

    citr New Member

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    :rolleyes:
     
  14. B_625girth

    B_625girth New Member

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    that's why you date around, play around for awhile before getting serioius with anyone.
     
  15. galaxus

    galaxus Member

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    Sorry citr. I liked your post. I try to focus on other things, but its always in the back of my mind.

    You can get over it and i'm so happy that you can. But it seems like its harder for me. I don't want to be like this.

    Is it curiosity? Is it something more? idk.
     
  16. monel

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    The answer is simple thought I think you don't want to see it. You are not ready to get married. As such neither are you ready to be engaged. I don't say this to chastise or pass judgment. It is just the fact. You say that you know your fiancée is the woman for you but the fact is you do not fully believe this. Otherwise you would not have the need to see what else is out there.


    It’s not just for the sex that you want to be with other woman. It is to satisfy your need to know that you are desirable to other attractive woman. That is why you “just can't fuck any woman either” and paying for sex would “just negates the whole thing
    .”



    Though you have been honest with your fiancée and she has given you permission -even if reluctantly - to satisfy this need, I would bet that should you sleep with anyone else, your engagement is over anyway. It is unfair to keep her tethered to you while you continue exploring. Conversely it is unfair to you both to commit to a marriage when you are not fully invested in it. The resentment will build and ultimately threaten your relationship anyway.

    In short, you need to break with your fiancée. In time, should you discover that she really is the one for you, if she is still available, you will be in a better state of mind to make the necessary commitment to her. Of course the risk is that you lose her in the meantime but it is a risk you must take.

    Good Luck
     
  17. hung

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    WOW!!!!!!!

    Getting engaged is the first step to marriage, as you mostly likely know.

    If you wanted to play around you should have already done that.

    You talk about counseling being expensive. I suspect that no one has told you how expensive a divorce can be. I can tell you, they are not cheap and the emotional consequences can have even greater impact.

    Yes, you need to seek counsel in the company of your intended. Do it very soon and get over this need to have a fling.

    Some may regard you as too young for marriage, but you have already done the deed so now set yourself up to proceed with your engagement and be totally dedicated to her.

    But get the counselling now.
     
  18. EnTaro

    Verified Gold Member

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    I'm gonna disagree with a.y.t here, I don't think you have serious issues. I think you're a man, and I think every man deals with the conflict you do - the fight between the hindbrain and the forebrain for control of a person's sex life. We're part human, part monkey. Part of you is rightfully in love and utterly devoted. The other part of you is the part that whacks off to porn on a semi-regular basis, prefers degrading sexual positions, likes unrealistically large tits, and mentally undresses 15-year old girls in tight shorts.

    It's unspoken, but every straight guy deals with it. What you must accept is that the impulses are normal, and will always be there. I repeat - normal, and omniprescent. Personal development and maturity isn't about losing the impulses, but rather dealing with them in a constructive way.

    Now admittedly, if she's your first, this is all amplified by curiousity. I was lucky - my first and I had a messy breakup, and I got to sleep with a few girls over the next few years. We met again later and are doing much better now. Intuitively, you might say that I "got it out of my system." Well let me tell you - I didn't. The thoughts and temptations are still there. I still check out girls I see on the street and I still entertain fantasies about sleeping with women I know. What I can do that I couldn't do before is put these impulses in a box, and recognise them as something seperate from my relationship that I'm able to manage. (EDIT: This doesn't mean suppressing these thoughts. It actually means accepting them, and even enjoying them! Shit, they're just thoughts. I can fantasize about fucking a coworker one night and talk work with her the next day. I can imagine having sex with my g/f except she's got nice big tits, and still enjoy her modest chest when we actually have sex.)

    The difficult thing for you is the element of curiousity, I suppose. Again, that never really goes away. I've slept with a chinese girl, but not japanese. I've been with a girl with blue hair, but not a redhead. Been with a masochist but not a sadist. Frankly, each is roughly what you'd expect, and aren't as mystic as they may seem to a virgin. The sadist whelped when in pain. The blue haired girl was a little freaky. The chinese girl had slightly different coloured skin to the others. They had their quirks and some were better than others but none were astronomical, and none compared on the whole to the girl I'm with now.

    If you can't reason with it or grapple with it and don't find comfort in all this, that's fine. It is possible you just got married too soon. That'd be okay, but don't attempt to have your cake and eat it too. If you find these feelings uncontrollable, just end it. End it and play the field for a bit. You'll probably find sex with other women to be comparatively mundane and you'll regret it, but that is perhaps something you have to figure out for yourself.

    Best of luck. Just remember that what you're feeling is normal, but how you deal with those feelings is what defines your character.
     
    #18 EnTaro, Mar 22, 2011
    Last edited: Mar 22, 2011
  19. galaxus

    galaxus Member

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    Guys its not that simple.

    We tried TO NOT be in a relationship. First we were friends who had sex for a year. Then were were dating for a year. Even in this year I told her that I wanted to have sex with other women an she was fine with it. I tried but it just didn't work out. Through that time we grew closer and learned a lot about each other. And now we've been engaged for 8 months because things have been working out so well between us. Even when we got engaged I told her that I needed to deal with my issues before we actually got married. She was ok with it.... but now she is not.... she really thought that my problems were just going to go away..... She promises to help me, but she can't help me the way I want to be helped.... that was a big miscommunication.

    I fucking tried to play around before we got serious. We didn't want to be in a relationship when we first met her. It just happened. And we love it! its this thing thats holding us back though.

    I can't just leave. She had a child when she was high school. We're both nurturing her daughter. I just can't leave the lil one. I love her too! she's awesome and she thinks I'm awesome too.

    And don't tell me "well you should've thought about that before you got involved in the child's life". I did fuckin think about it. I thought about it 2 years.

    She assured me that we would work it out.... but we haven't been working it out.
     
  20. galaxus

    galaxus Member

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    Thank you EnTaro. You make me feel less crazy.

    These are things that are outside our relationship. If I had the perfect partner, I would still have these thoughts.
     
    #20 galaxus, Mar 22, 2011
    Last edited: Mar 22, 2011
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