I'm engaged and I want to have sex with other women

galaxus

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You talk about counseling being expensive. I suspect that no one has told you how expensive a divorce can be. I can tell you, they are not cheap and the emotional consequences can have even greater impact..

We will NOT get married until I have my issues dealt with, so we won't have to worry about a divorce.
 

monel

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Despite what she told you previously this isn't about her it is about you. As you acknowledge, it is your issue. If you were fully invested in this relationship you would not have an issue. That is not to say you would never look at other woman or fantasize about having sex with others. Being fully committed to a relationship gives you the strength to resist these temptations. You are not there.

Others have suggested counseling, I don't think it would do any good in your case and think, after spending the time and money a counselor will tell you you are not ready to be engaged or married. And that has nothing to do with your age.

Getting married without being fully invested will ultimately do no good for you, your fiancée or her daughter.
 

citr

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Great post by enTaro.

Just want to add that one does not need to have serious "issues" to see a therapist. In the long run this is kind of a minor hang-up, but an outside perspective can always help.
 

hung15us

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Grow up. At 22 you aren't even ready for marriage. send the girl to me and I'll have her for life. You are throwing away what you both think you want in life. Cheat on her and you will do it while you are married. You both need to break up and grow up and then look at it when you are 27, maybe you will be grown up and ready for marriage.
 

GayFrog

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If you truly love her you wouldn't be looking elsewhere for sexual gratification. When you make a commitment to marry as you've done ( that's what an engagement is if you didn't know it) all others are out of bounds. You have been given advice and opinions here., but you are full of excuses for fucking around. Trying to coat it with candy doesn't change the fact, that you are not ready for a commitment with this girl (or anyone for that matter) and you should break the engagement, move on and fuck who you like.
If you are looking for someone to pat you on the back and say it's alright to be unfaithful you are barking up the wrong tree.
 

EnTaro

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I'm amazed at the guilt-tripping in this thread. Did most of you find your dick turned off when you got married? He's not saying he's going to cheat. He's just saying he's experiencing invasive thoughts and is unsure how to deal with them.

Great post by enTaro.

Just want to add that one does not need to have serious "issues" to see a therapist. In the long run this is kind of a minor hang-up, but an outside perspective can always help.

Agreed. Also: chat to friends! It always amazes me the things people post here. This is an amazingly common experience for guys and you should have friends that can relate.
 

Incocknito

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You say she's "the one". I don't know if cliches mean different things on different continents but I understand the meaning of "the one" to be that that person is the only person you want to be with; sexually or otherwise.

Since you want to have sex with other women, she cannot possibly be "the one".

Also this "phase" of yours or whatever you want to call it will end up harming the relationship, moreso than it already is.

For example your "one" will harbour resentment towards you and may feel jealous when/if you have sex with someone else. That could lead her to have sex with other men. How would you feel about that?

Being a man isn't tied to how many partners you have. Fuck #50 doesn't suddenly make you a man or really bestow anything meaningful upon you.

A real man is one who has the courage and the conviction and the depth of feeling to commit himself to one woman.

We can all have flings with as many people as we want. But how many people can say they have found the one person they want above all others? Not many.

It's easy to go from girl to girl or bed to bed but it's harder to share a bed, a child, a life with one person. But ultimately that's more rewarding.

And I think if you do have a fling, you might go home and find that "the one" isn't in your bed anymore.

IMO
 

D_Rufus_D_Dufus

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Maybe you guys should separate for awhile and deal with the issues.. yes, i understand that she does have a child that looks to you as a father figure but how can you be 100% commited while thinking of banging another chick..2nd you stated that your fiance has had a troubled past.. of course she's gonna tell you its ok with her.. in her mind your perfect.. you dont abuse her, you take care of her child..its a fear she has of losing you so she might as well "go with the flow" until it actually comes down to what you want to do.. im 25 and have been in the same relationship for the past 7 years.. me and my wife have been married the past 4 and we have our own issues but i made a commitment and sacrifices because i love her.. ive changed in ways that i didnt even know i could..
 

monel

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I'm amazed at the guilt-tripping in this thread. Did most of you find your dick turned off when you got married? He's not saying he's going to cheat. He's just saying he's experiencing invasive thoughts and is unsure how to deal with them

There's no guilt tripping going on. The op has not said that he still looks at other woman and desires them but is committed to his fiancee. Instead he wants to be able to fuck other woman while being engaged. This shows he is not ready for a committed relationship. It doesn't mean he's a bad guy or has done anything wrong. We all continue to look and fantasize about other woman even if we are in a committed relationship. The difference is that when you know you have found "the one" you are prepared to not act on those feelings. The op is not there yet.
 

NoH8

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Great thread and some thoughtful, valuable opinions. Which advice is right for you depends on who you are. Do you know who you are or are you in denial? Are you the committed self-sacrificing husband or are you the playboy who needs his ego stroked. At your age most people are the latter, and that's normal. I don't believe that the posts above meant to shame you for that. I think your fiancé is more honest about her needs than you are about yours. She needs you. Do you need her?

Therapy will provide you with an opportunity to look at yourself. Or you could try to do that without a therapist/counsellor. She may be "the one" the best girl for you, so ask yourself, are you at this stage of your life, the best guy for her? Can you give her 100% and just live with the fantasy of fucking other girls without it eating you up inside. Do you know what this need is about? Do you need the adventure? The flattery? The sexual variety? Now look at your fiancé. Can she provide you with this adventure / flattery / sexual variety?

Like they said earlier - it's not worth it if it's just about the feel of a different chest or the colour of different skin - but it isn't just that for you is it? You are either looking for escape or validation. If you remain in this state and then get married you are sure to break up. You need to discover what is the thing you are really missing. Then either decide to sacrifice it, pursue it or ask your fiancé to give it to you. Be honest, with her, as you have been up till now. If you can't ask her for this gift (because you suspect that she can't fulfill you) then you have only the other 2 choices - pursue it ( and sacrifice the engagement ) or give it up for her. The answer you choose is governed by your character. You must take a long unflinching look at your self before you decide. And you must decide before you marry her.

I wish you the best.
 
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vergax

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I am on a similar situation, but i am older than you Galaxus and I have had sex with a lot of women.
My problem with my current GF is that i know she is my definite girl, but i am just addicted to beautiful women, she knew and knows that, she doesn't allow me to have sex with other women, but i am talking to her, because as sure I am I want to love and spend my life with her, at the same time, I know i want to have sex with more women, i just can't commit sexually to just one woman.

My view is that we both need to agree, avoid cheating or lying, just being sincere and see if it works out.

It is very understandable for you to have curiosity for more women, even though you love your gf. It is natural
 

art

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You're not ready to settle down in marriage if you still want to have sex with other women.
 

helgaleena

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You can father the girl and break up with her mother too. It is possible. But you can't marry the mother and sleep around if she doesn't want you to.

Separate your affection for these two, the mother and the daughter, galaxus. Be the little girl's 'uncle' or 'second dad' just the same as always. But break it off with this engagement stuff until you know for certain that you will be satisfied with only the love of the woman you marry. She wants monogamy. You owe her the honesty you have been showing her thus far; good for you.

I'd even suggest relocating and sending support checks to the little girl if that is what feels the most right to you.
 

HungThickProf

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I think some of the advice given is a load of shit to be honest. You're 22 years old. If you're curious about what else is out there now, then more than likely, you're going to be curious after you say "I do." I swear, I don't understand why people decide to get married and haven't truly lived. That's just fucking crazy- get all of that shit out of your system before you decide to tie the knot. You wanna know why your fiance' gets pissed when you talk about it? Because you tell her how lucky you are to have her and how you want to be with her, and then slap her in the face with "I want to see what else is out there." There's no way you can justify that. You can't always have your cake and eat it too, and if she's willing to bend on this, then she's one hell of a woman. I know a lot of women who would have told you to go exploring and have your fun-but they wouldn't be there when you're ready to come home.

You're about to make a real life decision that doesn't just impact your life, but someone else's. Right now, there's a lot of "me, me, me," instead of what someone's who's engaged to be marrying should say, which is "we, we, we." Get it through your head- if she's upset about it, then more than likely, she doesn't want you to do it. And if you're as lucky to have her as you say you are, then the only woman in the world that should matter is her.

This is exactly why I say you often have to treat people like cars- you need to test drive before you get locked into contracts and agreements. Which brings me to something else. You've been engaged for 8 months(and I'm guessing that you were together for at least a year before marriage was even thought of). If you haven't set a date, or plan on getting married any time soon (your words, not mine), then what the hell are you doing? You may care for her emotionally and you believe that she's one for you, but what you're saying speaks otherwise. Before any arrangements are even made, you need to think about your life. You have a lot of men on this site who had curiosities that they wanted to explore and never did and got married. Now they're jerking-off with each other and women on skype, yahoo, and in the video chatroom because that's the closest that they'll ever allow themselves to get before stepping outside their marriages.

You two can definitely make it through this if you decide to let it go or get it out of your system. But when it comes to sex, you don't want to stop at just 2 encounters.
 

zujmyhezk86

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GALAXUS,

After reading your post I thought of so many different responses and viewpoints that i could pose to you.

1. Congratulations on your engagement. Love is an amazing thing and quite frankly finding a woman that you feel so strongly about and are willing to spend the rest of your life with is no easy decision so now that you have made it, you know you have something special.

2. I understand that you feel as though, because she's the only person you had sex with that you may be missing out on something but the truth is, sex is sex no matter who you have it with. It's the same thing. However making love to a woman is something you only do with the woman you love The good part about being in a loving relationship is that You can make love to her and you can also just fuck her as well. You may want to ask her about role play, where you all pretend to meet for the first time. she could wear a wig, you can change up your style. The reason why I suggest this is that you will find even if you have sex with someone else you will find the sex is the same just a different person.

3. Have you ever asked her if she wanted to have sex with another man? Can you handle it if she said yes she did? Men always seem to make the mistake and buy into the double standard where they focus on their desire to fuck another woman but can never seem to wrap their heads around the idea that their woman might want to fuck another man. If you can't then you may want to rethink this request.

Now I commend you for speaking with her on this topic because most men would simply just do it and pray they aren't caught but here is the thing, Unless you can get her to be apart of the process, meaning a threesome or allowing her to develop her own outside fantasies then most likely she will always feel like this.

Relationships are about compromise and sacrifice and if you love this woman and this obviously bothers her you will have to sacrifice this desire of yours to fuck another woman.

To get to you later post
Is it curiosity? Is it something more? idk.

It sure as hell is curiosity. I remember when I lost my virginity I was so excited to start fucking other women, and then you do and you realize it's the same thing. Yeah some have different talents but most can be taught.

One last thing.
STD's. I bring this up because I was recently tested for the first time at the age of 24 and learned a lot from the doctor. There are so many STD's out there that are transmitted not through the penis actually going into the vagina but by the act of simply rubbing your pubic bones together, herpies is one such example. A lot of people don't even know they have one due to no physical signs. I have a female friend who has herpies and she recently had unprotected sex with a guy and I was like why did you do that and she said I got so caught up I didn't think. I would hate for you, and you would hate yourself if you go and and fuck around and bring something back to the girl that you love even if she did gives you permission to do so.

A lot to think about.
 

HungThickProf

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Guys its not that simple.

We tried TO NOT be in a relationship. First we were friends who had sex for a year. Then were were dating for a year. Even in this year I told her that I wanted to have sex with other women an she was fine with it. I tried but it just didn't work out. Through that time we grew closer and learned a lot about each other. And now we've been engaged for 8 months because things have been working out so well between us. Even when we got engaged I told her that I needed to deal with my issues before we actually got married. She was ok with it.... but now she is not.... she really thought that my problems were just going to go away..... She promises to help me, but she can't help me the way I want to be helped.... that was a big miscommunication.

I fucking tried to play around before we got serious. We didn't want to be in a relationship when we first met her. It just happened. And we love it! its this thing thats holding us back though.

I can't just leave. She had a child when she was high school. We're both nurturing her daughter. I just can't leave the lil one. I love her too! she's awesome and she thinks I'm awesome too.

And don't tell me "well you should've thought about that before you got involved in the child's life". I did fuckin think about it. I thought about it 2 years.

She assured me that we would work it out.... but we haven't been working it out.

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH!!! Common sense is not a requirement for a college degree as it's proven time and time again. You already know what you have to do. And I'm sure that you love little girl to death, but just because you're not her step-father, doesn't mean that you can't play a role in that child's life. I've read some of your other posts for this thread, and the advice that you've given, and I have to say- you've gotten some good shit from people. It seems to me that you're looking for an easy fix. Not all situations in life can be fixed easily.

Personally, I'm all about a guy telling me that he wants to fuck other people. Shit, bitch, me too!!!But if we agree that it's just us and he wants to get married, then that's the way it is until we discuss otherwise. In all fairness to you, if you told her that you wanted to sleep with other people before you got married, then she should have spoken up if it was an issue for her and say "hey, that's a deal-breaker!" But she didn't, and you have the current situation to deal with. And you should have thought about this before a question was even popped- Jeez!
But here's what you do... find out if she wants to sleep with other men. If she says yes, then you let her pursue it, and all of that anger and jealousy that she feels- you'll know her pain.
So, she can get dicked down by some hot guy, and you can dick down some hot girl, hopefully it'll be out of your system, and then YAY, you can get married. But your relationship would never be the same.

Think about it.
 

Pierced1953

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Were all tempted even when married so at least before you end up in a bigger mess. Go out and play the field before you start to pitch. Same for her, your both inexperienced at life, sex and a relationship. You never know that after your married that she might start thinking about what she missed.

Make a pack, be friends and experience the real world and if was to be, it could still be later. Or do it together with other couples or threesomes.

My opinion is your both too young for this marriage stuff, otherwise by now she would have left you. You need to learn what real love is.
 

ConstantComment

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Funny how you want to take your fathering role serious with the child of your fiancee. Yet you don't understand the consequences of screwing around on this child's mother. At some point she's going to figure out something. You may come across psycho women a la Fatal Attraction who will insist upon teaching a lesson.

But even so, your assignations with other women will rarely neatly fit into the away time from your fiancee. Hence the child along with the accompanying sighs of disappointment from her mother will figure out that something's not right.

Stop thinking that you are something bigger than you are.