I had a sort of eureka moment... one that is incredibly startling and eye opening. I am standing in my kitchen, my father, my sister, and my brother standing around... I'm trying to make a sheet of cookies, for which my brother insults me, claiming me to be a "faggot", calling me "home-ec" its nothing new, but still bothersome, then my sister comes in, agreeing with him... I'm trying not to get angry, not to lash out at them... I'm holding a knife in my hand, and at that moment i realized i would have liked nothing more than to bury deep into my brother chest, i wanted nothing more than to kill him, and see him dead, covered in blood. It's probably due to me being such a violent person. I watch very violent movies, zombie movies, and horror movies in general, I'm what you'd call a gore hound. My brother is the bane of my existance, i try to get a long with him, trying to start conversations, which usually end with him calling me a "dirty faggot", i want nothing more than to be rid of him, never to see him again. I'm cutting myself a piece of bread, all the while wanting not to be cutting through a loaf of french bread, but to be slitting his throat, or cutting off his figers one by one. i know im disturbed, and i want to seek help immediatly, there is something very wrong with me, i know it, i know im some sort of fiend, or monster, just like those murders put to death, or rotting n a cell. I know it. constant attack after attack from them, i know its hard to accept others religious believe, but its what i believe, i dont think i deserve to be ridiculed by anyone, let alone my brother, about what i believe, i hate him so much, i just want to be rid of him, i dont care how, i want he to go away. I want the drugs to kill him, i want the cocaine in his nose to make him bleed and bleed, until his nosal cavity is packed tothe point of bursting, i want him to have the pressure in his skull before he dies, i want him to die slowly, i want him to suffer. I need to see a doctor, but they are very pricey, i am living at home, switching jobs, and my insurance, for my car, is almost 300 dollars a month, i cant afford it, i dont know what to do. they say its my music that made me this way, they dont even realize that they made me what i am... they can't take responsibility for something like me, anything that is wrong with me isnt their fualt, its my music, its the movies i watch, its the video games i used to play, they cant accept that they made me a monster.