I'm frightening myself

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by B_Anzalone, Aug 7, 2006.

  1. B_Anzalone

    B_Anzalone New Member

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    I had a sort of eureka moment... one that is incredibly startling and eye opening.

    I am standing in my kitchen, my father, my sister, and my brother standing around... I'm trying to make a sheet of cookies, for which my brother insults me, claiming me to be a "faggot", calling me "home-ec" its nothing new, but still bothersome, then my sister comes in, agreeing with him... I'm trying not to get angry, not to lash out at them...

    I'm holding a knife in my hand, and at that moment i realized i would have liked nothing more than to bury deep into my brother chest, i wanted nothing more than to kill him, and see him dead, covered in blood.

    It's probably due to me being such a violent person. I watch very violent movies, zombie movies, and horror movies in general, I'm what you'd call a gore hound.

    My brother is the bane of my existance, i try to get a long with him, trying to start conversations, which usually end with him calling me a "dirty faggot", i want nothing more than to be rid of him, never to see him again.

    I'm cutting myself a piece of bread, all the while wanting not to be cutting through a loaf of french bread, but to be slitting his throat, or cutting off his figers one by one.

    i know im disturbed, and i want to seek help immediatly, there is something very wrong with me, i know it, i know im some sort of fiend, or monster, just like those murders put to death, or rotting n a cell.

    I know it.

    constant attack after attack from them, i know its hard to accept others religious believe, but its what i believe, i dont think i deserve to be ridiculed by anyone, let alone my brother, about what i believe, i hate him so much, i just want to be rid of him, i dont care how, i want he to go away.

    I want the drugs to kill him, i want the cocaine in his nose to make him bleed and bleed, until his nosal cavity is packed tothe point of bursting, i want him to have the pressure in his skull before he dies, i want him to die slowly, i want him to suffer.

    I need to see a doctor, but they are very pricey, i am living at home, switching jobs, and my insurance, for my car, is almost 300 dollars a month, i cant afford it, i dont know what to do.

    they say its my music that made me this way, they dont even realize that they made me what i am... they can't take responsibility for something like me, anything that is wrong with me isnt their fualt, its my music, its the movies i watch, its the video games i used to play, they cant accept that they made me a monster.
     
  2. speshk

    speshk New Member

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    You need to get outta there.

    Away from them.

    Just get away from the craziness.

    Save yourself.
     
  3. Heather LouAnna

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    Hey, man. It's not really psycho thoughts if you realize they are psycho thoughts. hehe
     
  4. B_Anzalone

    B_Anzalone New Member

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    ^^^ Lol


    i want to leave, id like nothing more, but theres nothing i can do, i havent even finished school yet, im in my senior year of highschool.
     
  5. speshk

    speshk New Member

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    I'll bet housing could be found for you. An apartment? Talk to someone about it. The couseling office?
     
  6. B_Anzalone

    B_Anzalone New Member

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    Idk, I have a friend that has a house of his own, but he doesnt let anyone inside, i doubt hell let me stay... I think i might want to talk to my counselor, once school starts. I need to do something, and do it soon.
     
  7. Heather LouAnna

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    If you want out, get a job and an efficiency apartment, man. They don't cost too much. Check on www.craigslist.com right now in your city.

    I think you'll soon discover how lonely it can be living like that, but then again you may find it liberating.
     
  8. jeff black

    jeff black <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    Yup, I vote for the Talk to the School Councillor option. He/She can recommend someone you can talk to, that can help you work thorugh these feelings. Having thoughts of a homicidal nature are definetaly something you want to look into.

    Best of luck Anzalone.
     
  9. speshk

    speshk New Member

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    I think housing could be found for you very quickly if you get in touch with some of the human services in your area. You'd be surprised how quickly things can turn around for you. Take the steps, man. You'll be much happier.
     
  10. Heather LouAnna

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    *rolls eyes* Look, man. You're a dude. Some guys just think about killing stuff a lot. It's nothing to do with video games and horror flicks. If you're an angry person inside, which you sound like you are from your recent posts, then you're just gonna get thoughts like this.


    Lemme go off on a side issues here: Working in a mental hospital, I saw many teenagers who were diagnosed as bi-polars. The companies that provide medications for this condition would have you believe that it is a permanent condition that you cannot escape without medication. That is incorrect. Normally, you can change the wirings in your brain chemistry by shifting your environment. In other words: The teenagers that I saw in the hospital may not have been bi-polar if they moved out of their homes away from their parents. No medication is needed. Sometimes you just need a change of environment.

    I'm not saying you're bi-polar, I'm just giving an example.

    With all that said: These thoughts may end completely if you change your environment or something else in your life. I would say that you should move out, as you've voiced that you'd like to do so in other threads, but since you can't right now, perhaps you should try.................

    excercise.
     
  11. B_horribleperson

    B_horribleperson New Member

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    getting a hobbie like pottery or painting could help
     
  12. mainer1

    mainer1 New Member

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    Christ...if this man is for real, an immediate intervention is required. If he/she is a fake poster, go to hell. There's no limit to internet gross-outs. Nice to see so many compassionate, thoughtful, intelligent responses to this thread. I can only hope it's not a real person.
     
  13. D_Bob_Crotchitch

    D_Bob_Crotchitch New Member

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    You can call your local branc of mhmr to find out if help is available. I know it's tough living with jerks. My bro and sister are still jerks to me and we're in our mid to late 40s. My dad and his youngest bro are the last of his fam and they are still jerks to each other. You can't make people treat you right but you can choose your reaction. First of all, I'd stop cooking for the jerks. Let them starve.
     
  14. B_Hickboy

    B_Hickboy New Member

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    check your PM, Anzalone
     
  15. Heather LouAnna

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    Not everyone is like you. I'm fairly certain he's real and you voicing that you hope he's not is just ludicrious. You're part of the problem, man.

    He's a senior in HS. He lives at home with his family. It is perfectly common to feel this sort of angst.
     
  16. GoneA

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    L ... M ... A .. O

    Thank you. That is all.

    *goes back to Etc. Etc.*
     
  17. B_Anzalone

    B_Anzalone New Member

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    I am very much a real person, and though i wish this wasn't true, it it is.


    Also I've decided what I will do...

    I'm about to change jobs, and once i do I'm going to get several hours a week, and save for a month, maybe two or three, and Aside from my expenses i will spend nothing, and once i have plenty of money saved up im going to make the move.

    There a plenty of rental houses or apt to rent, and they can be pretty cheap... with work and school it might be a bit hard, but I'll b in a much better place than i am now
     
  18. Heather LouAnna

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    lol I don't have enough discipline to say to myself "I'm not gonna spend any money unless I completely have to." Sometimes that little bottle of fingernail polish, or that yummy piece of pizza (that I don't really need) is just..necessary.

    Yknow, man...with finances, I found it was really easy to set aside a percentage of my paycheck, rather than create the boundary of "I'm not going to spend anything except on stuff I need." Each paycheck you get, set aside like...50%-60% of it in a bank account that you don't touch for several months. That may not work for you *shrug* it's just what I did and it seemed pretty effective.

    Good luck on the new job, bro! Where will you be working?
     
  19. GoneA

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    What type of music do you listen to?
     
  20. Heather LouAnna

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    He LOVES Marilyn Manson. duh.
     
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