I'm frightening myself

[mainer1]

I am very much a real person, and though i wish this wasn't true, it it is. Then get HELP...staying busy and changing circumstances will be great, but talk it out with a professional...shoot your mouth off here too! Things can calm down, I know personally.

 

[GoneA]

He LOVES Marilyn Manson. duh.

If one relentlessly listens to Marilyn Manson, one has no choice but to see one's world come crashing in on them.

 

[D_Martin van Burden]

For the time, it sounds like you feel good about working the new job and saving money. Just keep your mind there.

Recognize that you can't help your brother and sister being jerks. I pretty mcuh hated my older brother at more than one point in my life, to the extent that I've wished grevious harm upon him -- probably because he was bigger and stronger than me and I resented the fact that I couldn't do it myself (never mind the legal implications). Moreover, he's been dead over eight years and I don't really have a soft spot for his passing...

Anyway, you can only control your own actions. Understanding that as much as you want to mutilate your brother, you haven't brought any harm to him, and that sign means you do have more control than you think. Immediate and certaintly drastic intervention will have to take place if you cannot prevent bringing harm to others or yourself.

But in the meantime, yeah, just get out of the house a bit more. I presume you have some friends that you like to hang with, or that you'll make some new ones at your job. If that doesn't work, check out your city's Internet listings for events and entertainment going on for the rest of the season. Get out, maybe enjoy some rays or the pool or a downtown walk, a museum, what have you.

I don't put a whole lot of stock in quick-label diagnoses because that's all they are -- words. I think if you have a serious mental condition, your counselor will be well-equipped to point you in the right direction. In the meantime, just keep on truckin' and working hard. Your rewards are closer than you think.

 

[B_Anzalone]

I will be wrokling at Hastings, a movie/book/music store.

And i actually hate marilyn manson, i like to listen the Danzig, Samhain, or the misfits, aswell as elvis and a bunch of punk music.

I can keep myself occupied well enough, atleast until i get to move out, ill keep plenty of hours at work, and plenty of hours practicing with ray asnd justin, i expect ill be home very little, aside from sleeping.

 

[Wonderboy]

Someone calling me a faggot or gay wouldn't bother me since it's not true and I'd call him a cock jockey back. Or turd tickler. Or shirt-lifter lol.

My sis is nasty though, I just ignore her. But I don't watch a lot of horror movies. I watch Quantum Leap which has a soothing effect.

Maybe you need to get away for a bit. Or tell your bro to shut the fuck up. I don't have a brother but I have a cousin and we used to fight, I used to beat the shit out of him. Because he would get cocky. Now he's okay with me but he's a druggy and if I see him he'll be in for it

Just ignore them. Or give back as good as you get. Lay off the horror movies or do some writing instead. It's cathartic.

 

[D_Cliebert_Chodechoker]

Im very glad hat you have found a soulution for yourself. I think it was much needed. Their was a lot of anger in your first post and nw that u have decided on what u want to do u seemed to have calmed down a little bit. Any time u get angry man just focus on your goal and spend your energy on that instead of on beiong mad, it will only better yourself.
Again i hope this works out for the best, and it will if u make it work for yourself.

Godbless Bro!
Ben

 

[D_Gunther Snotpole]

I think the new job will help a lot, Anzalone.
And if you're still feeling angry when school starts, you probably should talk to a counsellor at school. Just having someone listen to you can lower the inner pressure a tremendous amount.
Now, this may sound a little limp for you -- but maybe you should try meditation. There are many kinds, but most of them will help you experience your feelings as states that come and go, instead of as badges of your identity.
Then you can experience your anger, when it comes, as part of your inner filmstrip, without feeling it necessarily represents who you really are. That makes the load a lot lighter.
What's more, you will lose the fear that your feelings will overwhelm you and tip you over into behavior that you would really regret.
You'll lose a lot of fear, guilt, and sense of heaviness.
There are lots of other benefits, too.

 

[Heather LouAnna]

I will be wrokling at Hastings, a movie/book/music store.

And i actually hate marilyn manson, i like to listen the Danzig, Samhain, or the misfits, aswell as elvis and a bunch of punk music.

I can keep myself occupied well enough, atleast until i get to move out, ill keep plenty of hours at work, and plenty of hours practicing with ray asnd justin, i expect ill be home very little, aside from sleeping.

lol OMG. My first job was at a Hastings, do0d. I worked as a GSA and a Music Associate for years. It's a fun as fuck job, but you don't get paid shit. I know here in Texas, they started everyone that wasn't a manger at 6/hr. The raises are like...20 fucking cents every six months. You'll learn a lot of fun stuff there, but if they pay you what they paid me, I suggest you get another job after a few months of experience there. lol


and good gawd, you're going to get your ass kicked at Christmas time. Trust me on that.

 

[JustAsking]

...Normally, you can change the wirings in your brain chemistry by shifting your environment. In other words: The teenagers that I saw in the hospital may not have been bi-polar if they moved out of their homes away from their parents. No medication is needed. Sometimes you just need a change of environment...

Isnt there a big thing called Family Systems Theory where individuals in a family often exhibit symptoms that really stem from the family dysfunction. I think the conclusion is that you either treat the whole family or move out of it. It sounds like you have seen this firsthand, pretty often. Its not just anecdotal, though.

Anzalone, this sucks. I hope this really works out for you.

 

[Heather LouAnna]

It sounds like you have seen this firsthand, pretty often.

Y'know, I kept a workblog when I worked there. I posted the stories too.

 

[hypolimnas]

a family often exhibit symptoms that really stem from the family dysfunction.

Hi, sorry to quickly quote myself here, but I am going back to work at 9 p.m. to write a boring report for a bureaucrat who is visiting tomorrow! All I would add is that this applies to families too. This is not to say that they don't love you but people hurt the ones they love, this is a very strange fact. I don't know why it is so. Right now, keep developing your strategy for your own well being. Don't forget to be a compassionate friend to yourself.

Here is my advice, brutal and possibly unwanted but I'm waiting for my pasta to cook, and I have nothing better to do for 2 mins:

If you have any ambition to become a successful person, stay away from infectious toxic people, maybe even be grateful for the chance to break away. If you want to be happy, attract great people to you, and really contribute to society, this is very important. There are a lot of people who have a deep internal internal disatisfaction. This drives them to ruin their friends, lovers, workmates. Everything.

We are often socially conditioned to have compassion for others. The life journey however is in a way about developing equal compassion for oneself. This means staying away from trouble. Build up your own well being, so that you can be a positive force in the world, and not dragged down by people who will eventually destroy you. This will be the key to your success in love, friendship and life. I'm sure you are a great guy with heaps of potential, you deserve more now.

 

[B_Anzalone]

and good gawd, you're going to get your ass kicked at Christmas time. Trust me on that.

lol, i know how it is, i was working at Gamestop during christmas, and last november, when the xbox 360 came out, it as horrible... i still have nightmares.

 

[D_Elijah_MorganWood]

I'm going to go a different direction, here's my take:
I have fantasies about killing my father almost daily. I don't do it. There's a great Twilight Zone episode along these lines. I have lots of other twisted, violent thoughts. I have conversations about this with another LPSG member regularly and we laugh our asses off. I could see myself thinking "I could take this knife...".

Now for the second issue, your brother's drug use. It sounds like he's hurt you a great deal and I'd like you to ask yourself how much of it might be due to his addiction. Are there any other addicts in your family? Have you had to "take care" of your brother or anyone in your family due to addiction? If so, PM me.

Now...the others are right about getting out of your house. Work your ass off, get roommates, whatever you have to do. Get out of there. Until you do, you will be emeshed in this bullshit.

 

[jonah]

Hey, man. It's not really psycho thoughts if you realize they are psycho thoughts. hehe

that's not true. there is a certainly a lot of grey area when you are going crazy. you drift between insane thoughts and the occassional realization that they are in fact crazy. people can be driven to crazy thoughts, and even act on them on a routine basis, but then also realize that they are crazy as well.

 

[headbang8]

I'm going to go a different direction, here's my take:
I have fantasies about killing my father almost daily. I don't do it. There's a great Twilight Zone episode along these lines. I have lots of other twisted, violent thoughts. I have conversations about this with another LPSG member regularly and we laugh our asses off. I could see myself thinking "I could take this knife..."

There is an actual psychological name for these kind of thoughts. Maybe "obsessional"? It turns out that they are defined by the fact that you don't want to do it but know you could. The perfect answer is a fear of heights that turns into a frighteneing, obsessional thought: "there's nothing between me and throwing myself off this balcony, and I'm afraid I'll do it..." A psychiatrist of mine told me that they may seem frightening, but one never ends up doing it unless drunk or under some other sort of influence. So be careful.

Now for the second issue, your brother's drug use. It sounds like he's hurt you a great deal and I'd like you to ask yourself how much of it might be due to his addiction. Are there any other addicts in your family? Have you had to "take care" of your brother or anyone in your family due to addiction? If so, PM me.

Now...the others are right about getting out of your house. Work your ass off, get roommates, whatever you have to do. Get out of there. Until you do, you will be emeshed in this bullshit.

Trust the Sorceror on this one. Lone addicts rarely pop up in otherwise healthy families. Alcoholism and other addictions are known as "family diseases" for a reason--they affect a web of people, and that web enables it in many ways, obvious and subtle.

There's some shit going down in your family and the only way to stay safe is to get out, or the "family disease" will get you, too.

Again, take time to know yourself well. Plenty of escapees from oppressive families go a bit wild when the shackles are taken off. Many take a nosedive when they leave for college or develop addictions themselves in their 20s.